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I'm going mad here

xrsteve2003's picture

I'm glad i came across this forum. I got married 3 years ago. Wife had her 27 year old son at home. When we were getting married she said could he stay for a year max. Now 3 years on he's still here. Atmosphere in the house is awful. I feel it's there house and I'm the lodger. Even if he did go i think he has put a wedge between the wife and me now. Think I'm going to have to leave them to it. Any advice guys?

sammigirl's picture

This is what I finally did. I very calmly sat down with my DH one day, quote: "Our marriage is not going to survive living next door to SD. I am planning on moving to the neighboring State. It is not "if" it is "when". You are welcome to come with me. I love you and would like it if you come with me. If you do not want to come with me, I am sorry. I am moving with or without you."

We moved 5 months ago and now DH says we should have moved 5 years ago, when I retired.

yolo222's picture

YOu and the wife need to set up a time line and stick to it. at 27 there is no reason for the adult child to be living at home except for laziness.

ChiefGrownup's picture

That feeling of being a "lodger" is so familiar to many of us. It's wretched.

If you feel there's not much left to save between you and your wife, you can't pack fast enough and don't listen to any gibberish on your way out.

But if you feel there's some chance you can get back to a good place with her, then tell her flat out your marriage is in crisis. You are about to leave because you are so miserable. Tell you'd rather not but you absolutely need change.

See what she offers up. If her suggestions don't work for you, then just split. remember, even if she does have him leave, if she doesn't do it of her own accord you will just be trading your current misery for the new misery of living with a resentful partner who blames you and her minion will blame you, too.

xrsteve2003's picture

This guy is now turning 30 in a couple of months time. He is talking about moving in a few months time but that won't stop him sponging meals etc. Also he has no money for a deposit so i know he will be asking the mother for money. That's another problem i have issues with. That would be coming out of our joint account and i don't see why i should be paying anything. Another thing i only found out after we got married is my wife is paying part of her daughter's mortgage. The daughter goes on two or three foreign holidays a year and we are paying part of the mortgage. Maybe I'm being tight but I'm thinking of going to see a solicitor to see what way i would stand if we split. The son is a total waste of space and even if he did leave i still would have to see him for the rest of my days. I'm 58 now and wonder if i should put up with it or try going it alone.

2Tired4Drama's picture

How true this can be. I have a friend who has a son who was a good kid throughout his youth, succeeded in school and went on to have a great job in a good career field. He then went on and married a wonderful young woman who was also successful, and well-liked by the family.

Unfortunately, after several years the marriage didn't work out. Once divorced, the son began frequenting men's "clubs" where he met an exotic dancer who had three children (from three different fathers). She also had a drug habit.

Fast forward a few years and the son is still with the dancer, is unemployed, on drugs himself, and is now destitute. To make matters worse, he (supposedly) had a child with this woman! Although many doubt the son is the only man in her life. Sad

My friend and his wife took in the son and the dancer once they found out she was pregnant. They got attached to the baby (but were stupid and have not asked for a DNA test). While living with them, the son/woman stole items, forged checks and created other kinds of havoc. So now my friend and his wife are considering "adopting" this baby so it will have a decent home.

Imagine in your 60's - taking on a baby! Just nuts ...

Goes to show that even the best of kids can wind up a disaster. This son is now in his 30's and it remains doubtful that he will ever recover from this mess. And the parents are now looking at the rest of their limited life full of headaches and heartaches.

xrsteve2003's picture

I get confused with cheers and SS terms! He is not mental i think lol. One thing he did recently was the three of us were going on holidays. He was staying longer so was putting a suitcase in the hold. My wife and i had a small carry on case each. The night before we left i found i only had a large tube of toothpaste. It was too big to go in the small plastic bag so i asked my stepson to put it in his big case which he refused to do. He said he had no room. I said put it in a shoe to which he replied that might put the case over weight!! My wife heard all this but never gave off to him. That shows what he thinks of me. I have no children myself and was married before.
Steve Sad

SMforever's picture

"Maybe I'm tight". ... I have to ask, why are you blaming yourself for the fact your wife has lied to you about the daughter's mortgage payment? She seems to have done a slow drip of false promises and sneaky spending, betting that you are a soft touch who she can bat her eyelashes at, cook you a nice meal, and just keep you on the hook for the rest. Set yourself free. There are lots of honest, independent women out there as your alternative.

It is so obvious to an objective observer that you are being used. I too am 58 and my main preoccupation, as it should be at our age, is ensuring I have sufficient savings to retire on, and to be able to enjoy a reasonable lifestyle once retired. Any parasite who comes my way now doesn't last a day.

You must have married this woman without a full understanding of your joint financial goals. If she lied back then, and has lied since, you should do more than "just leave them to it". Get legal advice, line up your ducks, and make sure she doesn't leave the marriage with half your assets as well.

Steve, what I learned from navigating the singles scene post divorce, in my fifties, is that there are a lot of our contemporaries who simply have not saved enough for retirement. The reasons why are numerous, but it usually boils down to poor lifetime spending habits, with all sorts of excuses as to why they are sad sausages. They are usually doing exactly what your wife her kids' love with enabling gifts of money.

I finally found a partner who fortunately has similar assets to me, has similar views on not supporting each other's kids, but who is also under notice from me to prove by his behaviour thathe continues to save and not give away money to the greedy kids. Conversations around money are essential. Any woman who will not be transparent about this is likely not in a position to support herself. Be selective and good luck.

2Tired4Drama's picture

This is excellent advice, Steve! Couldn't have said it better myself, and I am of similar sentiment.

Consider this: You are 58. With good luck and good genes, you may expect to live another 20 years where you are in good health and mobile enough to do the things you enjoy. Twenty years will go by in a flash. Do you want to spend them arguing and supporting this ingrate and your overindulgent wife? Keep in mind that should anything go amiss with your SS or SD, your wife UNDOUBTEDLY spend every last penny she has to help them out.

Even if your wife agrees to whatever terms you insist on (to keep your marriage healthy) don't ever for one minute think she won't resent any restrictions which will be placed on her children - including financial ones.

The fundamental truth is this: There is no stronger bond that that between parent and child, especially mothers. No matter how old the "child" is. And it becomes an unhealthy bond when the overindulgent pattern is already established, as in your case.

Like SMforever, I am very grateful to have a partner who is similar in his financial situation/outlook and I am not legally or fiscally tied to. We are making many plans about future travel, doing things we always wanted to do in retirement, etc. based on us each being able to afford the same activities.

Although he does not support his skids financially, the possibility is always there that he might have to. I cannot trust completely that he would not give his last dime to save his adult kids (or future grandchildren) if they were in seriously dire straights. That in and of itself is reason I will NOT get married nor co-mingle funds.

IMO, in most cases once a person has children they will never truly be able to make anyone else a priority in their life.

Rags's picture

Welcome Steve,

I am afraid that at this late stage that you are right and that it is time to go.

If your DW is this incapable of being your equity life partner and incapable of putting you and the marriage you share before her leaching adult son there is not much sense in staying.

As a man/StepDad I would not tolerate what you are going through. You entered the picture when SS was already an adult. There is no reason for your DW or for you to tolerate his interference in your marriage and for sure she nor you should supplement the SD's travel budget by paying her mortgage.

Good luck and take care of you.

xrsteve2003's picture

Thanks everybody for the advice. It's making that big decision to stay or go. Will see how i stand legally before i decide. If it would be 50/50 then that would be ok. Will keep you posted.


sammigirl's picture

Yes, do research all of your options and begin with opening your own bank account. You do not want to tell your DW that you are preparing for yourself; if asked, just explain that you feel too much $$$ are going to her kids and you believe (you and she) can save more if you handle at least your end of the $$$$.

You can prepare to take care of yourself by making small, slow changes and then you can walk out prepared if that is what you decide to do. I did this for myself 3 years ago and am always prepared for what is around the corner. I am still with DH, but have myself set up now.

Welcome here and good luck.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Yes, I agree with SMforever and others. You have let out more info now and this woman has been very unfair to you. It's disgusting having to go on holiday with your adult stepson. And then he wouldn't even pack a tiny item for you? No, this is just hideous.

You are being treated terribly.

Get your ducks in a row and leave. There's nothing there for you. You will have a much better life as a single man. You will also be in demand by the ladies in your age category. Just be more careful next time. No liars! No failure to launch kids!

Thumper's picture

IF this MOM really loved her adult son, she would have told him to leave.

Unless of course this 30 year old is bedridden. When that is the case invalids are in long term care facilities. OR most handicaps want to be independent, live on their own or in group homes.

Time to pack it up and leave or ask HER to leave. Chances are rather good if you are Catholic to receive an annulment. YOU didn't marry her and her son. She told you he was out in 1 year. You did not sign UP for this one.

Sorry to read this..........what a mess.