Irritating step son
I feel like a monster! But I need to rant, I've read so many posts on here that are a mirror image of my life also!
The lead up of my SS coming to stay, changes my mood instantly, I find I can't even look at him sometimes, I become snappy, irritable, I feel he questions my parenting towards my own daughter (toddler age), pokes his nose in, asks why I am telling her off, revelling in the fact that she has been naughty, laughing whilst I am discaplining her. My Husband is so frightened of upsetting him (guilt because SS does not live with us) he get away with murder! For a 10 year old boy, he acts like a 3 year old girl. Infact my BD could handle herself more than he could. He cries over anything and everything, he still sleeps in his BM's bed at home when he's scared! I just dont think BM, BD, or Grandparents, Aunties/Uncles are doing the child any favours at all.
He treats our home like a hotel, doesn't tidy up after himself, leaves rubbish all over the sofa, behind picture frames, all because he can't be bothered to go to the bin in the kitchen! His BM is a lazy, poor excuse of a Mum so I understand he hasnt had the best role model, but he's 10?! At what point is someone going to say it's to grow up a little, it's time to take some responsibility, all I am met with is "he's a child" "it's not his fault" it's absolute rubbish. He plays on it but unfortunately BD doesn't see this and I end up looking the bad guy all the time! I hate the week night and weekends that he stays, I find myself hiding away, i feel i can't have 5 minutes with my own BD because he has to get in the middle of us, like hes jealous and I'm going to take BD away or something? I dont know whether it's because he sees me being a lot more structured and discaplined towards my own daughter than his Mum is with him and he wants the same I dont know.
He gets away with everything, his Dad tells him time and time again, make your bed, put the towel back, and he just doesn't do it! These things sound so silly but when they've been happening over a good period of time and I am the one that has to go in and tidy up it's so annoying! My husband is just as bad at times and I just doesn't see how frustrating it is for me, we've spent so long arguing about it that I can't be bothered to anymore, I love our time as a three, me, husband and BD, it's stress free, no baby momma drama, chilled, we can just do what we please where as when he is with us we have to constantly entertain him, he expects to stay up late at night with us meaning we dont get to watch what we want, like normal, he just rules the roost and if he doesn't get his own way, he goes home to BM and then husband gets it in the neck. They don't co-parent well at all, so that doesn't help.
I'm just at my whits end at the moment, I dont want this to end my marriage but I just dont know if I can go on like this 
ADVICE AND HELP PLEASE!!!
He only gets away with "it"
He only gets away with "it" because you tolerate it. The standards of behavior and performance in your home are as much yours to establish and enforce as they are your DH's.
So, enforce them.
If DH does not like how you parent and discipline in enforcing the standards in your home, he can step up and get it done before you have to.
I am hesitant to accept or allow a child to destroy an adult relationship. If your DH tolerates it, then good riddance to them both.
Good luck.
I know right, I just feel we
I know right, I just feel we have argued so much about this situation for so long that I just cba anymore with even bringing it up. But that being said, you're right, it's my house as well and rules are rules, I'm not being harsh on the SS as I will expect the same from my own daughter when she is old enough to understand. I've just read so many of these posts where the children have split them up & I really dont want that to happen but then I am absolutely sick of being the bad guy just because I have the balls to say things!
I feel you! I have can't
I feel you! I have can't stand being in the same room as my step kids (two boys 9 and 12) and they live with me 24/7. Im super strict on them trying to get them up to my standards and rules but it means I'm constantly on edge and wound up because they don't do what I've asked of them or they are just plain annoying.
i guess what I would say is - thank your lucky stars you aren't with him all the time and there is only one to deal with.
My advice is - if he only comes over some of time. I would literally remove yourself from situation - I've started to do that and it helps a lot. I mean I pretty much ignore the kids now as much as I possibly can. They still p*** me off so much though because once I start ignoreing them they f*** up. But I find that a lot easier than constantly having to be around them and asking them to stop being annoying or asking them a million times to do minor tasks. If they ask me a question I say go ask daddy and I've stopped giving them eye contact - which seems petty and I feel awful but it's helped me remove myself.
im sitting up my bedroom alone writing this.
my SS is also like a 3 yo girl too. My BD is 5 and is so much easier. She listens to instructions - I can have a nice conversation with her. This SS just makes annoying noises, sarcastic, says no a lot to all my suggestions when he is in my face because he's bored, talks like a baby, he's greedy, lazy, have no common sense omg the list goes on and on. I just can't stand him.
I'm so glad I'm not the only
I'm so glad I'm not the only one that feels that way, it makes you feel like you are a horrible person at times but it's not like I feel this way about my own child or any other children, I just can't stand him anymore, I can't even nring myself to look at him these days, my husband tries to involve me in everything they do and whilst it's nice to be considered I dont want to be! Not everything has to be done as 4, they will sometimes go off and do their own thing but I can't sit on the sofa and watch TV in peace, we have to watch a film or a TV programe that suits him because he isn't there all the time we have to make speacial effort, but in my opinion, I dont see why EVERYTHING has to change just because he comes to stay. I try and keep out the way but then I just get occused of being in a bad mood or whatever, i'm making my husband sound like a real d**k! When it's just me, him and our BD things are great, it's chilled, relaxed, we are free to talk about personal business, money, travel personal lives, obviously everything you share with your husband but as soon as SS is around we have to watch EVERYTHING we say because he's chipping in the conversation constantly, he wont go off to his room and play on his Xbox or Switch he has to constantly be at our sides & it really is irritating!! I can't even have a cuddle with my daughter or play with her when he is there because he constantly has to take over the situation. I am thankful he doesnt live with us because I know it would be the death of our marraige if he did, I honestly couldn't cope with him 24/7.
I feel so sad that you are sat in your room alone whilst writing a reply, we shouldn't have to feel like that should we really
How does your other half deal with the situation, is he supportive?
Oh my....this is so familiar to me....
Good lord, this seems to familiar to me. I'm so sorry you have to deal with an unsupportive parent. I feel your pain.
I just had a huge blow up with my boyfriend last night about his BS's (9) behaviour. I don't live with my boyfriend (thankfully because I would lose my mind) but spend soooooo much time at his house and am always told that it is my home as well. I'm starting to realize that it isn't the case and that I have no say at all in what happens there.
So my boyfriend was unloading a peice of machinery from the back of his truck. It was parked on the grass in his back yard and he was about to drive off to park it back in the driveway after we unloaded it. We have a very playful puppy that we got together a year ago and I was holding on to her collar and telling her to stay with me so that she didn't run infront of his truck as he drove away. The son saw me holding the dog and purposely called her to chase after him...right in the path of the truck. Now I rarely say anything to him about anything that he does, but as I was holding the dog, her collar broke off and I was holding on to her neck and he's still calling her to chase after him, even after he heard me tell her to stay. All that I said was "don't call her to chase after you!". I didn't scream at the top of my lungs or swear. I was firm. I think I had every right to do it! Anyway....he ran off to his room and cried at the top of his lungs. His Dad went into the house to 'console' him because he treats him like a baby and told me that I yelled at him and he is now upset. Kidding me???
This kid is very defiant, rude and disrespectful. He does not listen well at all. He says 'no' to his Dad alot which is a huge deal to me. My DD (9) would never do that kind of stuff. She is no means perfect, but she is not disrespectful. His Dad will tell him to go and have a shower as it is close to bedtime and the kid says no. Before this incident took place, we were driving and he was sitting in the front seat of the truck and for about 10-12 minutes, changed the channel of the radio every 3 seconds. He does stuff like this on purpose just to annoy others. Well, his Dad just lets him do it. No account of how his behaviour affects others around. I sat there and looked out the window and bit my tongue because if he is called out on his behaviour, he has a meltdown and throws a tantrum. He talks constantly, fidgits his hands and squirms and moves ALOT. We can't watch a show all together because he provides commentary and talks through the whole thing. He is very socially behind and I've told my boyfriend that I think he has ADHD. Truthfully, I think he may be on the autism spectrum.
Anyway, our blow up resulted in me driving an hour at 9pm, back to my house to sleep in my own bed and away from the chaos. But it has left me wondering (for quite a while now), if this is worth it. I can't stand the kid. I hate myself for saying this but I cringe when I know I have to be around him......
Zero tolerance and total
Zero tolerance and total confrontation for manipulative behavioral crap should be your model if you make the poor choice of remaining in this relationship with this failed man, failed father, failed husband, and failed partner. He has failed as your partner because he has failed to get his spawn under control and has failed to raise him to behave appropriately for his age.
Not only should you confront the idiot kid, but also his idiot father for babying him, coddling the purposefully irritating Skid crap behavior, and being the source of this failed breeding experiment.
Why would you expose yourself to their shallow and polluted gene pool at all once you experienced their collective crap?
Take care of yourself, you dog, and your own kid. End this. NOW!
Sending hugs your way
Lots of hugs to you! It's totally normal to feel exhausted and frustrated by a situation like this. You see the problem(s), know the solutions, yet continue to deal with the fallout. You've spoken to your partner about these issues, he appears to have heard you, yet again you continue to suffer the fallout.
While disengaging isn't a "fix-all" solution, it may provide you with some much needed relief for future SS visits. If this is the route you want to take, I suggest informing your partner that you plan to disengage from SS. It's good to keep everyone on the same page. I may also consider to take it a step further and no longer allow SS to butt in between you and BD. SS appears to be a poor influence and shouldn't be allowed to come and ogle at her every time she gets disciplined for some run-of-the-mill toddler shenanigans. That's your business and none of SS's.
And I don't think it's exactly a good thing that "everything has to change because SS has come to stay." You are not hosting parties for the child, nor is your home a five star vacation resort. SS comes to spend time with his Father, not to be waited on or worshiped.
How nice that your partner wants to do lots of "family of 4" type of things together, but again the main point of the visit is for SS to bond with his Father. Shouldn't be an issue to save some of the "family of 4" stuff for special outings, trips, etc.
The amount of butting in that SS does between you and your partner, as well as you and your BD, is absolutely inappropriate for his age (in my opinion). At 10 years old, he should be able to (as well as be interested in) doing at least some things independently. He should also not be so highly tuned in to what you or your partner are saying to each other or anyone else. That smacks of freshly graduated toddler to me. That would really get on my nerves too. I'd likely speak up about the butting in and eavesdropping if I was in a similar situation. I have (and my partner has) actually told either of the children to "move along" or "find something else to do" when we are trying to have a private conversation and they linger nearby to listen.
It's not normal or healthy for a "big kid" to be glued to adults like this. It's not healthy for you to have to endure all of the stress that this entails. Hopefully you and your partner can find a way to effectively meet in the middle. You deserve some peace.