Actions have consequences...finally
SD, age 15, is in a group home for her behavior. BM put her in the home about a month ago. SD seems to have tried multiple times to be kicked out but this group home doesn't play that game. SD has consequences for her actions.
BM and DH are flipping out. BM calls dh almost everyday now. Everyday SD has behavioral issues. It seems they are the only two people that feel this group home is "bad" for SD. Here is a list of some of the actions and consequences. I have also listed BM's and DH's reaction to the consequence. Keep in mind that SD, BM and DH knew the rules BEFORE SD was placed in the home.
1. SD overslept. She was punished by having only peanut butter sandwiches to eat for the day, confined to her room and she couldn't participate in any of the fun activties. BM and DH couldn't believe they would have such HARSH punishment. They believe that she should have only had 1 consequence not 3. My reaction...I bet she doesn't oversleep again.
2. SD was punched by another girl. SD tells BM that the girl JUST punched her for no reason. SD was punished by confining her to her room for 48 hours while the girl that punched her was only confined for 24 hours. Who wants to bet there is more to this story? Why would she be punished if she didn't do anything wrong? Common sense should have informed anyone of that, Right? Nope, not everyone. SD complains to BM, BM complains to the staff, the staff inform BM that SD instigated it and she also was being rude to the staff members who broke up the altercation. SD gets more time because of HER behavior. BM and DH it wasn't fair that SD got more punishment. MY reaction...I bet she doesn't run her mouth off anymore.
3. SD was showing off her boobs to her roommates during the time the staff was checking the room. The staff asked SD why she was doing it. SD says because they are too beatiful to hide. SD loses a 6 hour pass away from the facility this weekend. BM blames SD's delicate mental condition while DH blames her mediciation. My reaction...SD was trying to get attention. She will often act out sexually to make sure everyone notices her if she doesn't feel that she is getting enough attention.
For the first time in her life she is being punished for bad behavior and neither BM or DH can do anything about it. BM signed away her parental rights to the group home when she placed her in there. Both parents are now saying that putting SD in this group home was a very bad decision. I want to tell DH that their rules are not as bad as JAIL and that is where SD is heading if someone doesn't start parenting. It may be a little late for that now.
Of course, I keep my mouth shut and I do not inform DH of my reactions or my opinions on the matter. He believes that he can "fix" SD. He will I only try to have "the talk" with me about how he needs to get custody. He needs to rescue her for the big, bad BM. I tell him I am not sure how he is going to do that since I work from home and I refuse to be left alone with her and I refuse to have her around my BS, he lives her full time. I tell him that she just can't come here.
I find it so comical that the DH and BM have daily conversations now. They should have been having these conversations when SD started all this bad behavior many years ago.
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Comments
The sad thing is that, if her
The sad thing is that, if her parents are siding with SD and think the group home's consequences are too harsh, whatever changes the group home manages to instill in her will be short lived, because (1) SD *knows* her parents are going to bat for her and are not in agreement with the consequences, and therefore she will not fully buy in and (2) once she's out, everything will go back to the way it used to be, with no parenting and no consequences for bad behavior.
I agree
I really wished both her parents would just "wake up". They are not helping her at all.
BM signed away her parental
BM signed away her parental rights to the group home when she placed her in there.
Sounds like the girl is going to be there for a while. If this thing is in anyways worth whatever funding they are getting they have the girl in therapy on top of everything. They will also prevent parent interaction if there continues to be clear issues.
This is all new so everyone is having to adjust. The girls testing the waters and the place is really figuring out who she is. Yes there is a chance everything could go back but there's also a chance it will get a lot worse before it gets better. Ideally the girl will have the click moment where things start to make sense.
Some people should never have
Some people should never have children.
Sounds like two of these people found each other.
Good on you for refusing to enable this mess.
My SS33 went to juvie for 3 1
My SS33 went to juvie for 3 1/2 years before he aged out with very harsh consequences for infractions. He came out towing the line, but it did not last long at all. He soon hit rock bottom where he remained for years (with no parental enabling). He's only slightly above bottom feeder level now as he's found a better GF to mooch off of.
I understand
I am sure that BM and DH will go back to the same ole parenting that didn't work once she is out.
Really sad. How long is she
Really sad. How long is she there for?
She will be there
She will be at this group home another 30 days. She will be moved to another group home after that for about a year. SD was very upset today. She thought she was coming home in 2 weeks. Her bubble was busted when she was informed that she does have longer time at this one and then will go to another one.
DH talked to her but he couldn't really understand much from the crying. She says she is NOT going to try anymore. She is done. If she continues to act out, she will not be moved to the other group home. She will stay at this group home. She is only hurting herself and no one is able to convince her otherwise.
I hope a year is enough for
I hope a year is enough for her to mature and realize that they are helping her, not hurting her.
Is there a parent course that DH could take? Lots of times places like this do family counseling to help the parents see how enabling they are and give them tools to stop.
I worked for a group home for
I worked for a group home for more than two years. Most of the girls were in the foster system, but some were voluntarily placed by their parents for a number of reasons (eating disorders, self harming behavior, and violence/criminal acts). We had one girl whose mother undermined every single thing we tried to do for her kid. Needless to say, her placement was a failure.
I am afraid that the
I am afraid that the samething will happen with SD. I just really wished BM and DH would just step up and parent instead of all the consent blaming each other for SD's behaviors.
right on
I think you're right on the money with actions have consequences and good for you for recognizing that. It's sad that SD has to live away to face some dose of reality, but it's probably good for her to go through that. She's going to have a rough life ahead of her if she doesn't make some changes in her behavior. My only question- can you send a 17yr old there? In my case, SS17 has been disciplined, medicated, therapied, etc but nothing seems to make much of a dent in his behavior. I've used the words "jail in his future" many times unfortunately. Agree that BM and DH need to wake up and guide her down a better path rather than make excuses for ignorant and self-destructive behavior.
This group home accepts all
This group home accepts all minors until the age of 18. I think it will help her with her behavioral issues. DH thinks that they are too tough on discipline and that it will not help her at all.