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Happy Monday off, Munchkin SD13 is setting boundaries, and a little anxious

CLove's picture

I took Friday  through Monday off - to reset and recharge, and yet, here I am, a bit anxious. I really need some feedback and advice. I dont know what to tell DH, and Munchkin  SD13.

Update: My back and body has healed much since the accident. Everything on my car has gotten fixed. Better than before actually, as its an older car with a few bumps in it.

This past weekend we had Dh's 97-year old mom, so I spent some time with her as relief for Muchkin SD13, who was technically watching her (she gets paid good $$$$$), which gave us time to catch up.


Toxic Troll has been evicted, and just last week found a 1-bedroom apartment. Apparently its pretty nice, with a community hot tub, a pool, a gym. Its close to our home still, but a little farther out .Munchkin has been commenting about how upset and depressed her mother has been and how she even cried for 2 whole days! Like I am supposed to feel SORRY for her mother and SYMPATHISE with her. Not going to happen Munchkin, sorry. Thats where my  hmmmhmmm kicks in.

Toxic Troll has been asking Dh if he will let Feral Forger SD20 move in. Feral Forger even said hello to him and hugged him, before asking to move in "to his place". Eff you FF, its also MY place, and even more so NOW that we have made the purchase together. Munchkin agreed that it was a butter-up technique, for the sole purpose of using daddee as a soft landing space.

Dh mentioned in passing (largely due to his shock at being asked by FF herself) that there might be an open room at his mothers place. His mother, who is 97, has a 4/5 bed 2 bath house another town over. There, the older brother lives, and renters as well. The older sister is an executor of the estate. (previously, FF has made accusations against BOTH these fine folks. But they dont know her current escapades that have included check forging/cashing). ? Question? Do I tell them?

This weekend Toxic Troll calls Dh asking about what it woujld take to get Feral Forger into his mothers house. Dh, wisely, stated "she would have to call her uncle, apologise, and work something out with HIM, as he manages the entire houshold. And she cant do what she does at your place, and what she did at our place over here".

************ ok. Stop right there! Firstly, I dont like the fact that mothers house is even a POSSIBILITY, and it should not be presented as such (even to pacificy the troll.) Secondly, WTF. This is TOXIC TROLLS HOUSHOLD HENCE IT IS HER PROBLEM TO SOLVE. I understand that one of the issues that DH has is co-dependency. Hes a fixer, and its been a long 15 plus years of Toxic Troll coming to DH to fix things for her. Such as bringing her a gas can, and bags of groceries previously. I also understand that this is his child too. But its so convenient when theres a problem, "its his child too", but when schedules change or DRs appointment, nothing is discussed. which brings me to next thing. Im pissed at this one...

While speaking to Munchkin, she mentioned that "her mother is having her stay with us for the next 17 days, while she moves and stays with Crazy Sister". I asked DH, was this discussed? We are 50/50, with 5 days on/5 days off. I really enjoy that adult time, let me tell you. PLus she eats a LOT, and its a struggle to get her dishes done. Get her to do anything really, as sweet as she is, she takes ENERGY. In the normal way.

No - nothing was discussed with DH. Munchkin mentioned it to him too. So, as today (monday) is our "last of 5", DH will have to text her and ask about the next 2 plus weeks. Thats over half the month (technically 2/3) that we have kiddo. As awesome as that is, DH still will have to pay the Troll child support. Doesnt that warrant a heads up??????

Finally, the shocker. Thanks for reading this far, if youve gotten this far. Munchkin related to me her texts to her mother, telling Toxic Troll that she will no longer be living with her. That is if Feral Forger is allowed in the new apartment. She will not want to go there, anymore. We all know its an empty threat, but I was rather shocked as Munchkin is close to her bio mother, and she is typically controlled well by her mother. Shes pretty passive, but lately the tides have changed. Shes been elevated to adult status at her mothers, her mother treats her like a BFF, and asks for her opinion on how to deal with Feral Forger. ? Question? Do I explain the ins and outs of child custody, and that her father cannot violate that, nor file for full, and heres why? I dont want to burst her bubble of empowerment...or is it necessary??? Is she feeling too much power? "the child doesnt get to decide the custody schedule before 18."

so - as the time ticker speeds forwared, I am anxious about to what lengths Feral Forger will go to secure a place to land, what lengths Toxic Troll will go, to get rid of her problem child, and what lengths Mucnhkin will go to not have to live with her sister.


Lollybobs's picture

 'But they dont know her current escapades that have included check forging/cashing). ? Question? Do I tell them?'

Yes. Because if you don't and it comes to light after the event that you knew all about it but said nothing, they'd have every right to be absolutely furious with you. Tell them - then let them make their own decisions. It seems incredibly wrong anyway to have someone like FF living with a 97 year old lady.

Re Munchkin's living arrangements.: where is she supposed to sleep at Toxic Troll's place if it only has 1 bedrooom? Is there a reason why her father can't file for full custody?

CLove's picture

I agree, with telling the family, but Im not sure its my place to do this, Im afraid that DH will feel like I violated his trust, or soemthing. He doesnt tell his family what is going on - I think there is a lot of shame. He is an abused husband who doesnt tell anyone. But if it looks ike its a strong possibility (even if temporary) I will spill it.

Munchkin previously has had the main bedroom, at her mothers apartment which was a 2 bedroom. And Toxic Troll sleeps on the couch (although i suspect they cosleep still ewe.) When FF was kicked out of the second bedroom, mucnhkin took that one.

Her father doesnt have the resources to fight for full custody. Where we live, it takes a LOT. The courts favor BM no matter what. He would have to file, then court, lawyer up, then the fighting could go on a while. this is a woman who beat her eldest in front of the youngest TWICE, and nothing was done. No police reports. DH doesnt want to "rock the boat" with Toxic Troll. One of our issues.

We are ok with50/50. For now. Im just aware of how much it would take. And they CONSIDER what the child wants, but the child doesnt get to dictate, unless there is abuse. Bm tells munchkin "you are my favorite child tee hee". which she loves. That doesnt qualify as abuse...smh.

tog redux's picture

Ugh. I would have significant moral issues with letting this future felon move in with a 97-year-old woman without telling her and the others in the home what has FF has done.  And if I were that family, I'd be furious at DH if he allowed it.  Where is his spine? Why can't he tell his adult daughter: hey tough luck kid, hope you find a place to land, but I'm letting my family know to watch their checkbooks around you.  Should YOU tell them? No, probably not. But my respect for DH would go down significantly if HE didn't. 

As for Munchkin, it's not your place to say anything to her about the custody situation - just make clear to DH what you will and won't agree with in regard to her.  IMO, 13-year-olds don't need to feel they have the power to tell their parents what will happen, and even though TT is crazy, DH and you shouldn't support her telling TT that she won't come back over there. 

CLove's picture

Those were some really big questions in my head. I have always wanted to EMPOWER her, encourage her to use her voice. BUT with the caveat that she should not use her power to manipulate.

She seemed pretty cheerful about it all. As if shes enjoying all the drama. I know that she is looking foward to not living with her sister and her sisters thievery. It could be that simple.

Thanks again - Ill need to get really clear with him today.

As to the family situation with his mothers estate - yes, Im strongly going to suggest that he STOP presenting that as an option. The house has a coded door, and I can see the brat sneaking in there like no one will notice and squatting without anyoen discovering it. She has no shame, like her mother.

Another option was a group home she is applying for. Im hoping that will work out. ANYTHING but our home and family homes.

tog redux's picture

You don't want to empower kids to defy the other parent - if she told TT that she wasn't going over to your house for weeks, it would be upsetting, right?  So it has to go both ways. Now, with your blessing DH can ask TT if she wants Munchkin to stay there for a bit until FF moves out, but letting her decide is no good. 

CLove's picture

That legally we are unable to "with hold" her from her mother. Hope that was the right thing to say...

ndc's picture

I would want DH's family to know about FF.  It would be common decency to tell them.  I would probably hound DH until he told them himself.  Or at least I'd hound him enough that I didn't feel bad about it.

As for saying anything to Munchkin about custody - Nope!  That's for her father to do, and I'd stay far out of that one.

Harry's picture

In all good faith allow Feral Forger to move in with his 97 yo mother.  He doesn't want her to make 98 ? This kid should stay with her BM.   Do not let munchkin just to move in.  Full time because Toxic Troll wants it,  have TT control your home. 
There has to be the whold going to court, legally change the CO,  having Feral Forger paying CS  ect.efct.  That will take months. 

CLove's picture

Its currently a non issue. Toxic Troll has told munchkin that her sister will be moving with them.

She cried a bunch.