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Disengagement: Giant Spiders Happen

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

Picture this...

You decide one morning you are finally going to start meditating.  You make yourself some calming tea, light your new lavender candle, find some yoga music to stream, and head to your fluffy rug with a comfy cushion in hand.  All set.  Let's do this.  With your eyes gently closed, you start focusing on your breathing, and think, "Ah...this is niiiice.  I'm so glad I'm finally doing this." 

Then your mind starts to wander and random thoughts start encroaching on your new-found meditative bliss, "What should I make for dinner?  Oops...Let it pass.  Breathe....Breathe..." 

You notice a dog barking loudly outside, "Oh, my goodness seriously?  I'm glad my dog isn't a barker.  My dog...crap, I forgot to give him his medicine!  Oops...Let it pass.  Breathe...Breathe." 

Just when you feel like you're getting the hang of observing distracting thoughts but letting them pass...

You absolutely cannot ignore the GIANT SPIDER crawling across your leg, you jump up screaming, spill your tea all over your fluffy white rug, your dog barks uncontrollably, and you completely lose your $h!+.  Oops.  You think for a moment that all possibility of peace is lost, but then...

You remember to breathe.  You smell that lovely lavender candle still filling the air around you.  You breathe.  Then you forgive yourself for simply being a beautiful human work in progress and you mentally commit to trying again the next morning.

Learning to disengage has felt a lot like learning to meditate.  These past few days, I've become aware of how untamed my reactions have been to SKID chaos and just how much I've taken upon myself that I really CAN let go.  I am trying so hard to "observe...breath...and let it pass" when ridiculousness that I cannot control flows through this house.  There are those "giant spiders" that still catch me off guard, but I'm starting to see them coming in the distance and prepare MYSELF.  Oh, my word... it's hard, isn't it? 

If you have been through, are going through, or need to start disengaging from a toxic SKID scenario...please give yourself a hug!  Either you deserve it or you are going to need it!  Take good care of yourselves this week STalkers! <3

NEXT BLOG POST:  "He FINALLY took those darn car keys away!"

 

Comments

tog redux's picture

And expect that your SO, who is probably very anxious about your disengagement, will unleash a few giant spiders (not consciously, most likely), to try to get you hooked back in to the old dynamic, which feels more comfortable for him.  If you want your relationship to work, but just don't want to engage with skids, make sure while you disengage, you are still warm and loving to Mr. Ed.   That way he knows that this distancing from skid stuff isn't the precursor to you leaving him.

 

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

Yeah, this past weekend I made an effort to be kind to him.  That sounds like it should be a given to be kind to your partner, but I'm betting you all get why it's tough in these situations.  I tried to engage him in little positive conversations focusing on OUR future plans and he was surprisingly receptive.  We ended up talking about plans for selling the house after SD16 graduates and getting back to flipping a house or two so he can retire early from his stressful and time-consuming job.  The man works like 60 +/- hours a week and that's been a big stressor.  He even suggested we move somewhere on the beach in 8 years when SS10 is graduated.  So, yes...there is hope.  It is definitely a shift for him, but he seems to be making efforts, too.  It's an interesting dynamic that's happening between MR. ED and SD16 now that I'm stepping back.  To be continued! :)  Thanks for the advice and support!

Want2's picture

“...but I'm starting to see them coming in the distance and prepare MYSELF.”

You can even conquer your fear of spiders and let go of the hyper vigilance. So you don’t need to mentally prepare for each and every spider that might cross your path. That’s too exhausting. Aim for meh. 

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

"Aim for meh." <------ That's going to be my new mantra! Love it.

Hyper vigilance is an awesome description of how I have felt with SDs.  I have generalized anxiety disorder, so I tend to swing that way anyway if I don't stay on top of it.  SDs have definitely been a trigger for me these past few years.  Definitely something I need to keep working on.  I appreciate the support and advice!  

Siemprematahari's picture

I enjoyed reading this and thank you for the wonderful reminder. Wishing you well on your disengagement. I know I've been in pure bliss since I gifted myself of this.

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

I'm glad you enjoyed it!  Thank you for your support and encouragement.  It does me good to hear people who came out happier on the other side! Smile

Thisisnotus's picture

wow that is so very true. I can't seem to stay away from the "giant spiders".

Being on the disengagement path is very hard for me.......I have to disengage from skids, disegnage from BM who tries to cause any drama possible, disengage from DH and how he acts toward skids and BM and how he treats my kids...which is just like they don't exisit.....I have to disengage from MIL b/c she is a nut all wrapped up in BM and treating skids like they are toddlers and going against my DH's wishes on things with BM.....I have to disengage from my EX trying to PAS my kids......I've had to disengage from my SD16 who was PASd by her dad by way of cash, car, gifts, etc.  and treating me like dirt....

So then I think to myself......what do I get to engage in? My job? Maybe 40 Percent of my life which inlcudes 2 of my bios and then DH and I share a toddler.....so basically I'm detaching from the majority of my life and how is that a way to live??   It pretty much sucks.

ITB2012's picture

And I’ve started discussing that with my therapist. If I have to/get to ignore half of my life that’s not really my life. What’s the point of being tied to it?

Thisisnotus's picture

 wow so much yes. What is the point? I've only recently discovered this....I was kind of excited about the thought of disengaging until it hit me....THIS IS MY LIFE....all of it...as shitty as it is.....and I am now disengaing from it? In my own home? To my own husband? I am literally a shell of a person trying to ignore everything that is part of my life. For what? What's in it for me?

I'd be better off single focusing 100 percent on MY kids....and letting DH, BM, Skids, and the inlaws go ahead and take their circus somewhere else.

 

somethingwicked's picture

And that is also the gift of disengaging.When you step back and away from the emotional chaos and drama you gain objectivity.The panoramic landscape that is your life  is exposed,more in focus. You can take stock and better decide what can be salvaged, fixed or discarded. Sometimes the obvious is painful but in the long run it is the healthier decison. 

futurobrillante99's picture

ITB, I think your enemy when it comes to disengagement might be absolutism. You shouldn't have to disengage from entire relationships, but laser focus on what you will disengage with.

For instance:

I will disengage on parenting my partner's children, but I will retain the right to speak up when my home, my peace, my time and my finances are affected.

I will disengage from how my ex parents our children on his time, but I will retain the right to parent my children as I see fit in my own home.

So on and so forth. You're really just identifying the things you can't or don't need to control because they don't really affect you while retaining the right to speak up on anything that directly affects your peace and happiness.

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

I so feel you on this.  I've teetered back and forth for a couple of years wondering if it's worth it and daydreaming about how much simpler life would be if I just left.  I think what Tox Redux said above about still being "warm and loving" to our SO/DH during disengagement will bring some answers.  If MR. ED weren't receptive to that at all, I would be seriously considering leaving.  I think it's kind of like quitting smoking or any bad habit...you have to replace that negativity with something or else you're just left feeling deprived.  I think you touched on something that I didn't really realize until you said it!  I had been disengaging in some ways over the past couple of years, but I think I was simultaneously trying to punish MR. ED instead of trying to refocus on OUR relationship.  I don't know...something to ponder!  Whatever you decide you need to do, I hope you find some peace and get to enjoy that toddler of yours! <3 

somethingwicked's picture

ChamomileTea , this  is  a really wonderful entry .I wasn't sure where you were going then it was clear as crystal.

Would you think about copying it into the Category for disengaging? 

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

Awww...thank you.  I appreciate your kindness and I'm glad you enjoyed it.  Yes, I tend to make analogies that people don't always get, but I'm glad you got what I was trying to say. lol  

Are you talking about reposting to the Forum Category for Disengaging?  I would be happy to if you think it may be helpful to someone.  Maybe you could help explain...I haven't posted anything to Forums because I'm not quite sure what the best use of that space is.  Any advice on using Forums anyone?  Thanks!

somethingwicked's picture

Yes, the DisengagingForum. I m not one to post articles.Maybe just copy and paste?

I am sure there are experts here to give advice.

But your article is enlightening and would be easier to spot in a specific topic forum .

Thanks again!

Smile

marblefawn's picture

I enjoyed reading about your meditative challenge. I've never even tried to meditate because it's just not a personality fit for me, but I admire your resolve to "be calm, dammit!" 

Keep chipping away at it. Maybe meditation won't end up being the vehicle that works best for you, but you're on the right path.

ChamomileTea4Me's picture

"be calm, dammit!"  <------so much me!

I do find meditation VERY helpful, but in the beginning, it was definitely a challenge.  For the past couple of years, I've been so consumed by this teenage SKID drama that I've not taken care of myself and meditation went out the window.  I've been back at it and it's helping.  Meditation is probably not for everyone like you said, but worth a shot for people who struggle with anxiety and tend to get "stuck" on negative crap people send their way.  Just another tool to have in the toolbox, I guess! Wink

Thanks so much for your encouragement!