My SK - at breaking point and need advice
Im not sure what to do anymore. Dh has one son, who just turned 16. BM sent him to live with us full time due to conflict between him and her new step kids. When visiting us ( we had him during breaks as we live several hours away) he was awesome, normal kid stuff but goodhearted fun etc. We still have a good relationship- i love him a lot- but there is a major disconnect.
My SS thinks he can do what he wants when he wants. He is not rude but just glibly goes on his way. He takes every bit of freedom or ‘act your age and be given leeway’ to the extreme. He cusses like a sailor, which would not bother us at home but he has cursed at school towards teachers and at work. How he hasn't been fired or given detention i have no clue.
He is failing math and blames the teacher even though he admits he is not doing all he should to pass.
His room is awful. He flat out says i dont feel like cleaning and ignores when we tell him clean your room. He has ruined furniture and expensive lawn equipment because hes so careless and rough. My dh and i never get a moment to ourselves. DH has a workshop he retreats to but that leaves me to deal with stepson coming into my office repeatedly or me choosing between living in my office or sitting in my own living room for hours watching SS watch tik tok and YouTube. He has a great bedroom but will not hang there. I have to MAKE him go up there at night because he doesnt have a bedtime (i know i know) but i feel its 10pm,you do not own this house and i need time to myself. He is mad at this and im made to feel like im mean for expecting to enjoy my own home.
This past weekend was my limit. He works at a grocery store and doesnt have his license yet (new state and still saving for a car) . He got off at 10 and i was there by 1005. I usually plan to get there a few min after because you know with those kinds of jobs hes often 5-10 later getting out. Apparently he got off a bit early and was texting me throwing a fit asking where i was then at 3 minutes after saying hes walking home. He then complained to my husband that he had to wait in a bid to 'get me in trouble'. Im the adult. I wait on him most nights as thats called life. I dont HAVE to use my time to help him.
I dont know what to say or do anymore. I cant even breathe. I have no space or time to relax or have quiet in my own home. Any validation, advice, heck even judgement ? I can feel myself disengaging but im unsure if that's the right path. Im frustrated all the time lately.
As is almost always the case,
As is almost always the case, I would say this is a DH problem as opposed to a skid problem. Your DH doesn't seem to be parenting his son and instead retreating to his cave and leaving you to deal - that is disrespectful and unfair. Why are you picking him up from work instead of DH?
I would make it clear to your DH that either he starts disciplining his son and setting boundaries and rules that create space and time for you or you will disengage and he will lose your support entirely which means he's on his own. If the latter is what happens (which is the likely outcome) then you need to work out a way to create your own space (tv in your room perhaps)? Or a tv and lounge in your study?
Why isn't dad schlepping his
Why isn't dad schlepping his own spawn around?
Leave unless you want at
Leave unless you want at least two more years of this.
He may not have rules or a
He may not have rules or a bedtime at BM's but that doesn't mean he doesn't have them at your place. Your house, your rules. And your dh should damn well enforce them rather than running away to hide from the situation.
I would be very inclined to
I would be very inclined to develop an interest in classical music... or start watching a documentary series on the art of quilting during the turn of the century.. then.. you go ahead and indulge those pleasures in your living room with the volume loud enough so your "elderly ears" can hear the sound.
Oh.. SS? can you turn that down I'm trying to listen to my "shows"? Oh.. You can't hear your phone? Oh.. why don't you go to your room.. I'm sure it's much quieter there?
I think your DH should have really backed you up on the complaining since you were late thing. He should have pulled him up short and said.. "Buddy.. you need to adjust that attitude.. you know she is doing you a FAVOR by coming to pick you up.. and you need to be grateful she does it instead of whining about having to wait 5 minutes"
I mean, your DH should be doing the pick ups.. but I understand that sometimes we help our spouses out with their stuff.. so if you feel that balance in the relationship is good.. it's not really a problem.
Your DH should be doing more to set some boundaries with his son.. language.. reasonable bedtimes.. the kid is still his child and it's not too late to parent him.
It sounds like with a little polishing around the edges.. the situation isn't that bad.. but your DH does need to be a bit more involved.. maybe he should be taking his son to his workshop to teach him some stuff and bond?
Yeah, lock your office door
Yeah, lock your office door and tell DH to deal with his kid. Same for driving him anywhere, he's lost that privilege by being rude. Stop parenting this kid and make his father step up.
Take control back of your
Take control back of your house woman!
You can do this. When you want to watch something in the livngroom- tell him to hand YOUR remote to YOUR TV over and change the channel. If he doesn't like it he can go hang with Dad in the shed or go to his room.
If his room isn't acceptable, take his gaming, TV, cell phone- whatever and tell him that he can have it back when his room is clean.
He doesn't have to go to sleep at 10 (even though he 100% should), but he has to go to his room and shut the door.
Time to call a family meeting, outline the new rules and stick to them. Nothing you are suggesting is out of bounds and what most people do in their homes with teens. We certainly do!!
As for transportation- I would tell him to start calling Uber if Daddykins can't pick him up!
A suggestion
Cut off all wifi/internet/cable/etc. access at 10pm. He might get a decent night's sleep for once
Youre right!
Youre right!
Thanks and followup. :)
Thanks for the suggestions! Wanted to add a bit more clarification on some stuff. I pick up SS because my DH is up very early for his job and he also handles school pickup/ drop off as well as taking him to work. As i wfh my schedule is more fluid and i start my day later stay up later etc. DH is in bed or exhausted by 10 so i dont want him driving. I will say he did come down on SS about the ride thing. Told him he was being rude, that he was the kid and that we decide if we provide rides and who provides them.
I definitely agree that he needs to stop retreating to his shed and we discussed that as well. I think we have both been a bit shocked at the behavior and atittude lately and he tries to avoid the conflict. Hes seeing now thats not possible.
One thing that did make me feel better is be told me to never feel like i have to take any shit from SS and to tell him like it is or come to DH if i need to. Just knowing it wasnt me vs them like i was feeling has helped a lot!
you guys are right that i need to take bsck my home and stop catering to him. Hes the kid. DH and i are basically like : we love this kid, please help us survive the next 2 years. He has definite plans for after high school . Its just getting there.
How about public transportation or Uber that he pays for?
After all, he has a job.
Big update
So... i have an update. Thank you giys for the perspective and advice. It helped me. the disrespect and mouthiness kept getting worse. A few days ago SS was in a terrible mood. Mouthing off. I told him to stop. And he told me to eff off. I stayed calm and talked to Dh the next day ready for battle. I didnt have to worry. I told him. And he lost his mind. Picked up SS from school and had it out big time. The takeaways: the disrespect stops now. The crazy talk as well. Counseling is mow mandatory . He called him out on the misogyny in his actions with me and other woman . He has no more privileges with me such as me picking him up or taking him with me on errands .
Dh also apologized and said he let it get too far and it ends now. And that he sees now SS took his calmness for being a friend not a parent.
SS has been on best behavior . But i have been clear that nothing else will be ignored. I will call out bad behavior anytime i want and if someone doesnt like it they can kick rocks.
dramatic but helpful update.
When my ss was 20 with a mouldy bedroom and bathroom
I told hubby ss needed to clean it because it was foul. We had a 1 & 2 yr old at home, our son had anaphylaxis, sensitivity and allergies and I wasn't having mould from ss room spreading to other areas of the house leeching through the walls etc.
next time he came back, hubby rained hell on him in the car ride and that kid was scrubbing and cleaning vacuuming with bleach. He lost the right to lock his doors and hubby came in unannounced