Disengaging
I think I have finally reached the point where I am going to start disengaging.
This week has really tested me. SD has no respect for personal property not her own and certainly not anyone else's. A few days ago, she kept leaving her guitar on the ground and slamming it onto chairs and into walls.
Just this morning, I find dumbbells just sitting at the top of the stairs and a deck of playing cards just strewn about the living room floor.
Earlier this week, DH completely undermined me. I don't agree with watching TV during dinner, in general. But especially because SD is a terrible eater without TV and even worse with the TV on. So, we're getting ready to eat dinner with my inlaws. I turn the TV off. And of course SD starts to pout and cry. So there goes DH to coddle her and turn the TV back on with empty threats that he'll turn it off if she doesn't eat.
This morning, I'm having a perfectly good morning snuggling my DH. Then SD knocks on our door saying she needs to tell her dad something. I'm comfortably topless so I have to put a shirt on and unlock the door. And lo and behold she had nothing to say to DH, she just wanted to lay in our bed. And DH went from snuggling me to her. So I left. And I'm sure I'll hear something about it later.
I'm just done engaging. I can't do it or it will drive me insane. DH and I have very different parenting styles. And what's even the point of me trying to set rules and expectations when I will be undermined.
So I am really going to curtail my role. I will only extend any discipline if it directly affects me, my things, or my dog.
I love SD, I do. But i can't love her the way that a parent does which includes disciplining them how they see fit.
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I see two problems
1. What exactly are the eating issues? Keep nothing but healthy food (vegetables and fruits for snacks) in the house. Everyone will be better off. The kid will not starve to death.
2. Dinner time should be time for family conversation. You have only been in her life for a year, so dad needs to keep the conversation light. Not, did you have problems at school today, but what sports do you like.
She is a very picky eater.
She is a very picky eater. And even when she asks for something in particular she will just pick at it and take hours to eat.
I definitely keep just healthy snacks. Like fruit, applesauce, etc.
DH and I have only been married a year but I have known SD for 3. And we've all shared the same HH for two.
I wholeheartedly agree that dinner is family time. That is how I grew up, eating at the table and spending quality time with my parents. But unfortunately here dinner is on the couch in front of the TV. And to top it off, of course it's a TV show SD selects.
IMO, this is why it doesn't
IMO, this is why it doesn't work when a stepmother (or father) tries to take over parenting. The bio parent will end up undermining you if they don't support your discipline - and it they DID support your discipline, they'd probably do it themselves.
The best you can do is set boundaries around stuff that affects you. So if the dinner routine annoys you, eat dinner elsewhere. Or ask DH to have SD eat first and then the two of you eat together. Not what you'd prefer if it were your own child, but so be it.
I will add, toys and stuff left all over the house is pretty normal kid stuff. I was disengaged, but I would ask SS to come pick up his stuff and he would - but because he knew DH would be upset if he didn't. If yours won't support you asking SD to pick up her stuff, then pick it up yourself and toss it into her room (or leave it there, whichever you can live with).
This is what I was going to
This is what I was going to say. Except if the stuff was left, you toss in room and YOU get complained to about throwing it into the room (this happened to me) then just maybe things start getting lost. This worked super good in our house! Pretty quickly things started getting put away properly, within a reasonable amount of time.
See, I was disengaged, and if
See, I was disengaged, and if I threw stuff in SS's room and he complained, I'd say, "Well then, shouldn't have left it there," and DH would have agreed. He could complain to me all he wanted, DH would back me up, if he didn't beat me to telling him to pick it up.
You are lucky! What happened
You are lucky! What happened to me was SD (OSD to be specific) would ask why things were put randomly in her room on her bed (her room was an ongoing issue in itself so it was very odd she was complaining in the first place) and DH would say nothing, absolutely nothing. So it was a total silence undermine.
I am lucky - though honestly,
I am lucky - though honestly, I felt DH was too strict. I learned quickly that it was not my kid and not my call on how he parented his kid. He wasn't strict to the point of abuse, of course, but more strict that I would have been with a kid.
We disagree often on dog "parenting" - he thinks I'm too easy and I think he's too strict, but the dogs love us both and know what they can and can't get away with each of us.
I don't know how so many of you tolerate these spineless DHs who can't parent at all.
This is what's so weird too
This is what's so weird too about DH. Totally inconsistent parenting with SD.
But he is OVERLY strict with our 3 dogs. I'm like can't you take a little of that strictness and apply to your kid??
Yes, mine is at least
Yes, mine is at least consistent!
After several years of
After several years of disengaging, DH is much better! Although it's been slow he has learned and we can have rational discussion now about what I will and won't do. He doesn't get mad if I say no. He is actively working with YSD at times to get her over some issues she's having. So for me at least, that's why I am here. It's 200x better than four years ago.
You have a DH problem first of all
He is the one who is allowing this to happen.
Update
My husband and I were going to make a quick run to Walmart while SD stayed with her grandparents. Thought it would be nice to have a bit of one on one with my DH even if it was like 30 minutes.
But nope lo and behold SD was fine staying until DH asked if she wanted to go.
So i said I would stay instead. I dont think DH got the hint!!