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CastleJJ's picture

BM FINALLY GAVE US SUMMER DATES FOR SS12'S SUMMER VISIT AND IT IS SOOO GOOD! Normally, we have 2 two week blocks, with BM having 2 weeks in the middle. We have asked for more consecutive time for the last 5 years and BM has always refused, stating that SS was "uncomfortable." 

BM emailed DH tonight and DH and I held our breath. BM always delivers bad news on a Friday, so we stew about it over the weekend, so we freaked. BM proposed a 1 week block and a 3 week block, with SS only returning to BM for 1 week in the middle, unprompted right off the bat. WE ARE FREAKING ECSTATIC! There was no need to fight with BM or use the coach's email to negotiate with her. And she notified us 2 weeks before the deadline, allowing us more time to plan. BM did mention that SS was "hesitant" about the longer duration (which is brainwashing/PAS). DH and I don't even care. We don't care that BM likely has plans in July she is accounting for and that in some way, this arrangement is likely benefitting her more than us. All we care about is that we finally exceeded 14 consecutive days with SS! 12 years and we finally did it! We have been stressed out about this for 2 months so I am so happy to finally be able to breathe and just relax and enjoy our summer. 


la_dulce_vida's picture

Yay!! I sure hope you didn't let on to BM how happy you were. That would ruin her day. Congratulations!

Rags's picture

Be cautiously optimistic. She gave you notice two weeks prior to the deadline, which gives her two weeks to manipulate and change her mind.

Keep your expectations restrained so you won't be disappointed.

But.. congratulations.  


And... hype it up with SS so if mommy gets stupid.... you can toss her manipulative ass under the bus with SS.

I would.


Lillywy00's picture

Exactly. What Rags said. 

She's been playing games for this long I wouldn't put anything past her to be slick at last minute. Sounds like she found a boytoy and the kid being under her 24/7 will ruin her hoochie mama summer but boytoys can be unreliable so he schedule could change. 

Also as Rags mentioned to me in the career thread, it applies here as well.....never "ask" BM for yours/your husbands parenting rights. 

This is one of the reasons men be complaining for no reason is because they voluntarily submit to someone who has no real power. 

The law is the power and she is not above the law. 

Start asserting parental rights your husband and the son are entitled to. 

Like "look here Betty, little Timmy will be traveling here for his (x amount of weeks) per the court order so make sure his bags are packed. Would you prefer to drop him off at the airport Tuesday at 10am or Thursday at 8am? ...

Insert the reminder about the court order so if she dare buck the system....she will get sued and "dragged" through that system.

Also her saying "stepson is uncomfortable with extended visits" is a bunch of hogwash where she is projecting her own fears.

 Unless the boy is a breastfeeding infant/toddler then he will be just fine with extended summer visits. 

My bio travelled for summer visits by herself starting at the tender age of 7. I used to be a wreck about all of it. But eventually got over myself and realized hey if she's not complaining, she's not being abused/neglected then it's fine. 

Plus my breeder was forced to pay me child support .... while the kid was with him all summer long lol!!! Yessss come get yo kid AND keep that money coming ahahaha....He probably could have contested this but he was too busy spending even more money/chasing a$$ and cheating on his partner at the time to even care. 

notarelative's picture

But, in this case, the judge has given BM all the power. Dad has a set number of weeks, but BM, in the court documents, has the right to determine the dates and how the time is allotted. Dad can legally only wait to hear what BM allows.

Lillywy00's picture

*Im not a legal pro and it's been a while since I sued my breeder 

BM, in the court documents, has the right to determine the dates and how the time is allotted

If someone thinks their rights are being violated they need to hire better lawyers, appeal, or request the judge recuse themselves

Idk the laws in OP state but This judge and the lawyers who put that in court order should be ashamed imo and at the end of the day the OP husband read that one-sided court order then signed and agreed to it  

If I were the OP husband I would have never signed that/negotiated better terms, fired my lawyer for a better one, appealed that decision, and exhausted ALL avenues to get a fair court order 

Men complaining about how they get shafted in court because they give up for a multitude of reasons one of which is because they don't know (might not have the resources especially if they have new family/spouse) how to leave no stone unturned and they erroneously believe they have no rights  

No one is above the law. Even people with money, manipulative people, etc eventually will get their a$& handed to them. 

While I did most of the dragging in my situation there were a few times I was wrong/didn't know all The family court laws (as I mentioned above I projected my fears like this OP's BM and was forced to put my 7yo on a plane by herself) and my breeder exercised his rights no matter how uncomfortable I felt. 

Humans are flawed/biased and court systems can be corrupt, but when you truly believe the courts system is there to protect the kids rights then the parents rights and much as you believe you will wake up healthy tomorrow then you're in a much better position to prove your case/fight for said rights if someone tries to take that from you or the kids. 

CastleJJ's picture

We took BM to court multiple times, with the most recent case being in 2019/2020. The judge gave us this current CO, which gives BM full control over summer. We are guaranteed 4 weeks/28 days per the CO, but BM can allocate it however she wants to suit SS' sports obligations. The judge told DH that if DH ever brought another case before the court to increase time, the judge would dismiss it. The judge said he will never change the ruling we have now. He told DH to "pay your CS, accept the time you have, and move on" because "a child needs their Mom." We spent a year in court and $30k for that ruling. No lawyer, GAL, amount of evidence, etc. was going to change that judge's mind and BM refused to negotiate. The courts favor mothers over fathers, regardless of the impact it has on children. 

BM doesn't have a boyfriend. She is married to her wife and they have been together for 7 years. BM moved SS down to be with her GF in 2017 (we also tried to fight that and lost) because BM has sole custody. 

This whole situation is the product of teen/young adult pregnancy. BM got pregnant at 19 and because they were not married, BM had sole custody automatically. DH fought for his rights for years, but hit roadblocks at every turn. We fully believe BM intended to get pregnant and wanted DH to be a sperm donor with no actual parental role. She has made that clear since meeting her now wife. So when DH fought for rights, she wreaked havoc and has been high conflict ever since. We have literally done everything we can to fight this legally for the last 12 years with the resources we have. SS is 12 now and frankly, we aren't going to waste resources we can allocate to our lives and our DD to fight a losing battle. 

Lillywy00's picture

BM can allocate it however she wants to suit SS' sports obligations. The judge told DH that if DH ever brought another case before the court to increase time, the judge would dismiss it. The judge said he will never change the ruling we have now. He told DH to "pay your CS, accept the time you have, and move on" because "a child needs their Mom."

Judges are not perfect, some of them are biased at best, and some of them are flat out corrupt. 

Same with lawyers. Some of them are biased and incompetent. 

Idk if y'all live in a small town (we have about 4 family court judges here), If your DH believes his rights are being violated he needs to see if he can have his case reviewed by a different judge if y'all have more than one judge in family court. 

This is just me. I would not accept some judge telling me random sports (unless the kid is a D1/Olympic level athlete) is more of a priority than my parenting rights. 

And when he said "a child needs their mom" I would have said "I concur.....AND a child needs their father as well plus extend family, siblings, etc on BOTH sides" ... shut his biased pie hole all the way up. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

CastleJJ and her DH have done everything possible to get more time with SS. They have tried all of the angles and spent thousands upon thousands of dollars. They are now simply trying to make the best of what they have - and doing a great job at it.

Lillywy00's picture

^youre right I don't know the entire backstory and it's easy to say what one would do if in a similar situation but since I'm not in the situation just take this with a grain of salt. 

Lillywy00's picture

DH fought for his rights for years, but hit roadblocks at every turn.

I know the feeling. I fought my breeder for many years in court. 

I do agree with you in that at some point it can seem overwhelming to change what is in place. 

You guys have to do what's right for you/your situation. 

Rags's picture

An option that I think should be implemented is, get the kid and don't return the kid until the full COd time has ended.  BM  likely won't be able to get to court in time to do anything about it and DH can send his attorney in his stead until the Skid is returned at the end of the COd summer visitation duration.  Odds are, SS will be back with BM before it ever gets to court and ... the Judge will in all liklihood do nothing once the kid has finished daddy's  COd 28day summer visitation.  That is not in violation of the CO.  It is in violation of BM's manipulative bullshit which IMHO likely has next to zero legal standing.  The risk IMHO is well worth the action.  SInce SS will be returned after 28 days as is COd, I doubt contempt even applies.  Though retaining and consuting a pitt bull zero tolerance attorney is advised IMHO.  Not a placator, not an attorney who does not have the testicular fortitude to go to war until the conflict has ended.

This also shifts the tension and anxiety onto BM next summer, and every summer after that.  She will have a choice, clearly violate the CO by not surrendering the kid per the clearly set 28days of visitation each summer, or.... not know if DH will tolerate taking his summer visitation with his kid in BM's manipulative nibble periods.  

Let BM lose her damned mind, let her start freaking out over whether DH will tolerate her to continue to interfere in his time with his kid.  I would keep his response on play back.  "Provide me with the schedule you intend.  If you do not surrender my son on the start date that you choose, I will be on your door step to collect him and I will drag your ass to court for violating the CO."  This has zero request for more time, it does not confront the threat by the Judge to dismiss any attempt to change visitation.  Visitation is not changed. 28days is 28days.

I like the suggestion that BM get sued adnauseum for any crap and every time court is approaching, a motion is made to get the Judge to recuse themselves, with a parallel request to the sate judicial review authority to remove the judge from the case due to demonstated repeat prejudice. I also think that filing complaints with the sate judicial review authority against the Judge, any idiot lawyer that fails to do their duty as they are paid to do it, etc when there is even a sliver of failure to perform professionally should happen.

I would also call a Father's Rights legal support organization and test the waters to have them rip the balls off of both BM and the Judge.  None of what you , DH, and SS have been through passes the smell test of legitimacy on the level of the Judge, BM, or even your own lawyer.

IMHO of course.


Lillywy00's picture

Also I might add if the court order stipulates BM has more leeway with these dates it's probably also stipulated that she provide advance notices of said dates so OP can request BM provide said dates on or before the deadline so that they can procure travel arrangements for their parenting times. 

If OP has the resources to consult an attorney, these court orders can be revised if it is determined to be in the benefit of the kid. 

CastleJJ's picture

The order states that BM has to provide notice no later than 1 week before the last day of school. SS typically arrives the day after school gets out so it is 1 week notice. 

Lillywy00's picture

Geez. That's cutting it short. It takes at least 2 weeks in advance to request off from work and purchase reasonably priced plane tickets (if y'all fly) 

BethAnne's picture

oh wow that is ridiculous. An involved father or mother wouuld never think such a late deadline is reasonable. That judge has never had to organize his life around kids. 

thinkthrice's picture

Is only interested in BM's rights

CajunMom's picture

I'm glad things are working out to your benefit this year. While the Bm could do something "stupid," it sounds like SHE has plans so while it's benefiting her, oh well. You guys are getting the time you want with SS.

I totally support you and your DH not wanting to waste any more money on custody issues. The judge over this case clearly is a BM leaning judge and it's just not worth the money, time and emotional investment to fight anymore. I know you and I have discussed the PAS getting stronger as SS ages so again, agree with you. DH and I did the same. After the last "failed" attempt because of a damn judge, we "raised the white flag" and endured the last few years of CS and custody time. DH probably spent about $20K over time fighting for nothing. SMH

Lillywy00's picture

It might seem like it's for nothing but with these unstable bio parents trying to PAS or accuse of PAS....those factual court docs (outlining how unsavory their bio parent acted) can easily be "accidentally" left on the coffee table once the kid hits 18. 

I spent 5 figures on top attorneys just to have this fool refuse to show up to a hearing and never to be heard from again (when kiddo was just 12). After many years of my breeder blaming me for his decision to be a crappy parent, I showed my kid the courts docs when she was 18 and it solidified her decision to cut his toxic energy from her life. 

Part of that money I consider is payment for evidence when a bio parent tries to manipulate especially by refusing to accept responsibility and improve their behavior as a parent

CajunMom's picture

left for SKs to see would change their stance here. BM was the MOTY and now that she's dead, she's been immortalized in that position. I'm not against fighting for SKs....everyone should...but there comes a point within the legal system and your pocketbook that one really needs to step back and SEE the mess for what it is.

All SKs are past 18 in my fact, the youngest is 30 and the oldest is 44. Still playing games that, thankfully, I'm sheltered from because of my own boundaries. In our case, that first $10K should have been it (we're talking about 14 years ago where things were cheaper including divorce attorneys). Then again at the $15K mark. Yet we dumped another $5k, actually got BM to give DH full custody (as she was in some sort of home) only to have the damn judge demand to speak to BM to make sure she understood what she was doing. THAT never happened and we lost another $5k. So, yeah...I think there is a stopping point, especially when heavy PAS is involved. Our DHs rarely win. SMH

Cover1W's picture

If the PAS is too entrenched, not even the actual documents will work. My DH drug them out one evening as OSD was ranting about how horrible he was to leave BM.


I could practically hear the screech as his brain said really?! And proceeded to get the documents and tell her how it was, BM left him, locked him out, didn't let him see them via various legal tactics, all documented how BM instigated everything and tried to get 100% custody.

And you know what, it didn't work. DH was still somehow the bad guy, because BM could do no wrong. PAS is almost impossible to reverse, especially in kids and young adults.  I hold little hope that OSD will ever reconcile with DH

Lillywy00's picture

Uggg ... when they stay in denial even when the facts were right in front of their face.