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Over BM's Bullshit (VENT)

CastleJJ's picture

After BM emailed DH the other night, giving us dates for the first two week block of summer visitation, she emails tonight to let us know that SS11 has a football camp at the end of June, which would be smackdab in the middle of DH's second two week block of visitation. She says "I hope you will take it into consideration." Like we have a f***ing choice because our CO gives BM full authority to dictate our summer visitation due to sports. Our CO grants DH two two week blocks (with BM getting two weeks in the middle), but those blocks can be broken up to accommodate sports. The issue is, we have to fit 4 weeks of visitation with a two week gap into a 7ish week period due to sports, so it doesn't allow a lot of wiggle room. 

DH decided to set the options for BM, because last time this happened and BM provided options first for us to pick from, it was a complete shit show. Last time, BM wanted DH to drive SS 16 hours roundtrip in one day to allow SS to attend the camp or for BM to pick up SS during the middle of our visitation and we would just lose the remaining time. NOPE. BM can never plan logically and it always ends up way too complicated with DH doing way more of the work or DH missing out.

So, DH offered BM three options:

Option #1: We keep SS11 for three weeks, BM gets him back for two weeks, then we get him for a final week.

Option #2: We get SS for two weeks, BM gets him back for three weeks, then we get him for two weeks. 

Option #3: We get SS for two weeks, then we and BM alternate every week for four weeks. So DH gets one two week block and two one week blocks. 

We knew beforehand what BM was likely to pick but it was better than letting BM set the plan. Well, BM emailed DH back and of course she picked option #3. She said she talked to SS11 and he isn't comfortable enough yet for option #1... This kid has been coming to us for two two week blocks every summer FOR 6 YEARS! WHAT THE HELL IS ANOTHER 7 DAYS AT 11 YEARS OLD?!? I swear this kid will be effing 18 before he is "comfortable" enough to be with us for more than 2 consecutive weeks. Oh and BM informed DH that her parents will be doing most of the pick ups so BM doesn't have to drive so much... I effing hate her. 

My parents suggested that we talk to SS to see if he truly wants that or if it is what BM wants. I told my parents, SS will do whatever BM wants, regardless of what he wants, because it's the enmeshment and PAS. SS11 can't think for himself. If we ask him, he will say he isn't comfortable, even if it's a lie, because it's what BM wants. I was half tempted to have DH tell BM that we want to eventually work toward increased visits, given that it's been 6 EFFING YEARS and this kid is almost a teenager! DH reminded me that BM will never go for it and we would likely just get some bullshit, abusive response that wouldn't change anything, but would give BM something to fight about. He's right... BM would respond about how DH deserves this since he is such a deadbeat Dad who was "absent" for the first two years; she would talk about how she and GF are SS' true family and the only people he is comfortable with, etc. And he's right, it wouldn't change a damn thing or give us more time. I hate that this woman has full control and we are just puppets with no say. I also hate that these types of decisions can't be a conversation where both BM and DH work together to reach a compromise, instead it is here are the options and BM has full veto and approval power, despite whatever we want. 

It's amazing that DH isn't capable of being a Dad to SS more than 14 consecutive days at a time, yet he is a great Dad to DD1 365 frickin days per year. Unbelievable. 

Comments

CastleJJ's picture

I think the hardest part is that we were promised more time and it has never come to fruition. When SS was a baby, BM and the courts kept saying, "he's only a baby and he needs his Mom. Be patient." Then as a toddler we heard, "he's still so young and he's not comfortable." And then he was a young kid and again, "he wasn't comfortable." We gained visitation at a snail's pace from 4 hour visits to 6 hour visits to single overnights to one week every few months, then to two weeks consecutively over the course of 5 years. Now SS is 11 and it appears we have maxed out at two weeks consecutively (which I believe was BM's intention all along), doing this exact plan for 6 years, and he's still "uncomfortable" and I'm realizing this is the most time we are ever going to have. It's like all this hope for improvement over the last 10 years is lost and for what? Like we have jumped through so many hoops and played the game exactly as we had to and it was all for nothing. 

thinkthrice's picture

"Skid is not comfortable being around biodad and SM" (TM)

Implanted in skid's head from day one by HCGUBM and her friends/family.

"Not comfortable" translated to:  I/we don't like the fact that biodad and SN can see through our (HCGUBM/skid's) bullsh1t.

Of course the courts see it as "biodad and SM MUST be abusive in some manner toward skid(s)."  Parental Alienation will never be punished in the western world's court systems, unfortunately.   Too many professions/agencies are profiting from it.

Rags's picture

In CO situations BioDads tend to be the cash cow for the BioMom, the lawyers, and the courts.  It is  unlikely that the system will ever systemically do what is best for the kids. If they did, far more BioDad's would be the CP and far more BioMom's would be paying CS.  Much closer to 50/50 than is the case now.

It isn't rocket science.  Courts should review the data and rule in favor of the kids.  Put them where they have the most support, least drama, and best opportunity for outcome. Regardless of the gender of that parent.

IMHO of course.

Winterglow's picture

Have you considered asking the kid on his next visit when he thinks he'll feel comfortable staying with you for more than two weeks with you? He needs to understand that he is more than welcome in your home. It won't hurt to open his eyes to his mother a little either.

CastleJJ's picture

A few years ago, SS told DH that he wanted to visit us more but said that BM said we had 50/50 custody so it was the most we could get. In reality, we have 85/15 custody and we told SS that. We walked him through the math of our 6 weeks per year versus BM's 46 weeks per year. He seemed surprised but also uncomfortable. We asked him if he wanted to stay longer with us than just two weeks. SS said "I don't know" and was clearly uncomfortable by the question, I'm sure because he usually defers to BM for those answers. We told SS to tell BM if he wanted to see us more or to tell us and we would work to make it happen. SS said he did tell BM and her response was "We'll see" but nothing happened. We know that if we tell BM that SS wants to visit more, she will call us liars or she will guilt SS into changing his mind and nothing will change anyways. And going back to court isn't an option. 

We have told SS repeatedly that we would love to have him as often and as much as he would like. We have reiterated that our home is him home as well and he is welcome anytime. But those comments always seem to make him uncomfortable.

I think we need to revisit this question during this visit this week. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

But I think your DH letting go of the rope is probably for the best.  BM is never going to give him more time and your DH pushing for it just gives her ammunition to tell SS that his dad is being mean to her.

My guess if you do go back to court (which I know you aren't going to do), BM will have coached SS to be very vocal to the court that he doesn't want to spend any more time with his dad.  SS is boarderline at the age where the courts will take his wishes into consideration.

CastleJJ's picture

DH and I agreed to partially drop rope three years ago after the conclusion our terrible court battle that gained us nothing. We decided to stop fighting for SS. Since then, we have only followed the CO, only exercised our CO visitation, and only paid CS as outlined. We have not done a single thing extra or challenged BM on anything. It has been peaceful and BM no longer fights us. 

I know that we will likely continue this same path, accepting the very limited time that we have, until eventually, SS stops coming altogether due to sports, school, friends, etc. I am torn on whether or not SS will open his eyes during adulthood but I have a feeling we will be forgotten and all family events and holidays will be spent at BMs. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

but at least you both know that you did everything you could and more until it became obvious that it wasn't going to work.  And at least your DH is having a second chance to be a father.

Winterglow's picture

I'm really sorry you're in such a crappy situation. The worst of it is that SS clearly enjoys himself when he's with you and would probably love to stay longer but mommy dearest has him guilted and brainwashed so well that he doesn't feel he has the right to an opinion. 

I really hope the karma bus hits her hard when it gets round to her.

Winterglow's picture

And the "we'll see" nonsense is such a lousy cop out. She knows that the kid doesn't dare push the matter.

CastleJJ's picture

Plus "We'll see" doesn't mean "yes" or "no" so BM can't be blamed for denying additional visitation. What SS doesn't realize is that BM is not reaching out after he asks to even offer the time, which why would she if she's trying to withhold and PAS. 

Winterglow's picture

If only SS would ask her if that meant yes or no. We all know that he won't ever do that but can you imagine her face if he did? Gawd, ,she is deliberately crushing her own son's spirit for her own agenda. She's despicable.

thinkthrice's picture

That the HCGUBM has SS in, you will never get a straight answer.  Only things parroted by the HCGUBM and her clan.

If a psychiatric professional asked SS WHY he is uncomfortable he will not be able to come up with any ideas on his own separate from the HCGUBM.

Classic PAS.

MissK03's picture

SS is hitting a certain age to that 4 weeks out of his summer vacation to see you guys might start getting tricky. In two years he may start putting up a fight to not come and and hang with friends... 

I would start mentally prepping for that now or start thinking about taking him different weeks in the year if BM "allows" it. Typing that even annoyed me. 

I am sorry she's so difficult.

CastleJJ's picture

And we know it is only going to get harder as he gets older. He will want to stay at BM's where he has friends, sports, maybe a girlfriend or boyfriend, and maybe a summer job. That's why I think it is so annoying that BM won't "allow" more consecutive time. If we could take our entire summer visitation in the first 4 weeks consecutively, she could have SS back by the 3rd week of June and our visitation wouldn't interfere with anything. But, no, she won't allow us to have that long consecutively out of "discomfort," so we now have four weeks total spread across 6 or 7 weeks, which will and currently does overlap with sports, meaning that SS is missing out. And him not missing out on sports was the whole reason the courts denied us additional summer parenting time originally anyway. It's so dumb. 

And unfortunately, we already see SS at all the other times throughout the year, so if we can't make summer work, then we are just going to have to lose visitation, which at this rate, just is what it is, no matter how much it sucks. 

Rags's picture

Though they always had nearly 9 wks. The order was for 5Wks summer, 2Wks fall (in SS's area of residence), 1Wk winter, 1wk spring.  They never took the fall visit. Not once.  So visitation was functionally no more than 7wks per year.

Over the 16+ years of the CO, there were several periods of a year or more that they took no visitation.  Always because of their crying poor mouth that they could not afford their half of the airfare.  Each of those times I always suggest to my wife that we should pay for the full airfare to get SS there to help him to not feel abandoned by what was supposed to be half of his family.

That would break the seal and after the visit where we paid for the full airfare, they would re-engage in visitation... for a while.

Not only that, no one from the SpermClan ever came to pick SS up for visitation other than one of his GGFs. After GGF passed and until SS was old enough to fly as an unaccompanied minor, the SpermClan would have some random family friend or distant relative come pick SS up. With few exceptions, my DW would fly to SpermLand to pick SS up after visitation.  On a couple of occassions one or the other of my ILs would accompany SS back home. We used those opportunities to cover the airfare for an IL visit to our home.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I wish I could add something more helpful than, "I hate your BM." She is definitely one of the worst. Like you said, if she would let you take your full visitation at the beginning of summer, it would not interfere with sports the rest of the summer - so it would make the most sense and be the best for SS. So of course she won't do it.

CastleJJ's picture

For BM, it's all about maintaining control and ensuring we have the least amount of time consecutively as possible to ensure that SS doesn't get too attached to us. 

thinkthrice's picture

Classic attachment based Parental Alienation aka enmeshment.  I wonder how she will react when SS is older and tries to date...

Winterglow's picture

Or if he wants to go off to college... if he isn't comfortable spending three weeks with his dad, how will he survive an entire term without mommy?

 

CastleJJ's picture

I don't think BM will have a problem with SS dating or going off to college. She might have an issue when SS tries to marry or start his own family away from BM. BM wants SS to be highly successful because it is a reflection of her. 

Currently, BM's only problem is DH and our respective families. We will always be less than to her, even if we aren't. BM has no problem with SS being everywhere else (with neighbors, friends, BM/GF's families, etc) but he CANNOT be with DH, me, or our families. BM told DH a few years ago that she had SS solely to have unconditional love (due to her poor mental health issues) and she feels he is HERS and hers alone. SS is nothing more than a tool for BM to use to rid herself of insecurities and make herself feel better. Hence, why she is so against DH. Heaven forbid SS loves anyone but her or her family. 

TrueNorth77's picture

You know when SS is 15 it will be "SS doesn't want to leave his friends for that long". There will always be some BS excuse most likely created by BM, and SS will go along with it because he is enmeshed with BM or wants to please her.