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See A Fight Coming This Summer

CastleJJ's picture

SS12 has been playing football since he was 5. BM made this her hill to die on to prevent additional long distance visitation, citing that SS couldn't miss football in the summer to be with DH. The courts agreed. So, per our CO, we are entitled to 4 weeks of summer visitation, which is SUPPOSED to be exercised in two 2 week blocks, but the CO gives BM the power to break it up, if it interferes with sports. The CO states that DH HAS to accommodate it, no choice. So unfortunately, BM has all the power to dictate our summer visitation and we essentially have to agree. It sucks. Last summer was the first year that we had to accommodate a change. We asked BM for 4 consecutive weeks, which she disagreed with. We countered with a 3 week block and a 1 week block; she still disagreed, stating SS wasn't comfortable enough to be with us for 3 consecutive weeks. After a lot of back and forth, we ended up with a two week block and two one week blocks, which wasn't ideal, but it was better than some of the other ideas BM was pitching. Every year since the CO was finalized, BM has pulled SS out of football for a week at minimum to suit HER needs - a week for their wedding festivities, a week for family vacation, etc. but SS is NOT to miss any football for DH. When confronted, BM's response has always been that BM is the sole custodial parent and she can do whatever she wants and the CO says DH's parenting time has to accommodate sports, not that hers has to. The double standard is infuriating with this one. 

DH realized today that he hasn't heard from BM about registering SS yet, despite registration being open. DH and I looked it up and SS is officially out of youth league - grades K-6 and will now follow the high school schedule since he is starting 7th grade in the Fall. Registration has yet to occur and there is no tentative schedule published. I referenced last year's schedule, and if I'm correct, he will have practice 3 days per week starting the week school ends. I know BM will have a field day with this and suddenly, there will be too many scheduling conflicts for SS to visit DH at all in the summer. 

DH and I are realizing that we may have to go back to court to ensure our summer visitation remains intact. If we could get 4 consecutive weeks, then BM could have SS from the last week of June until Christmas and it will be the least disruptive with sports. Plus it would give us a sense of normalcy and extended time to be able to travel with SS and visit with extended family. I know BM won't let SS come for that long, despite the fact SS is 12 and DH has had regular visitation since SS was two. She still cites that SS is uncomfortable, despite being on this two two week block schedule for 7 years, plus SS spends weeks with BM and GF's families without BM and GF and tons of time with friends. It's all an act to maintain control. I told DH that I refuse to pay for another lawyer and go through another huge court battle; I won't do that to myself again or DD. If we have to go, we go pro se, explain the issue, and take whatever verdict happens. I just don't think it is reasonable to lose summer visitation with a kid who is 12. I could see 16, 17, etc when SS has high school, romantic partners, maybe a job, etc. but 12 is still young in my opinion for us to lose that time. 


grannyd's picture

Aw Hon! Your post made me shake my head in dismay as, despite being one of the most dedicated and supportive stepmothers on the site, you drew the short straw where BMs are concerned. That unbalanced, PASing control freak is the epitome of awfulness! I keep wishing for a stray piano to connect with her head but, alas, karma can take forever.

In your past blog, you mentioned bodily changes and post-partum hormonal issues; I can so relate to that!  My son was born when I was in my thirties whereas I’d had my daughters in my teens. After my boy’s birth, the reality of my sagging breasts (they’d been so perky!) and stretch-marked stomach brought me to tears. Like you, my hormones were out of whack and I was bursting into tears over the slightest frustration or upset.

Time is the great healer, my dear, and I guarantee that you will feel better as the months go by. Your misfortune in being a victim of the worst BM in StepTalk (and the competition is fierce) is one helluva’ liability when added to the additional tribulations of hating both your job and your boss, a slump in libido etc. Keep venting and chin up! Things WILL get better.

CastleJJ's picture

Thank you, grannyd. I am definitely in my head tonight and anxious about the uncertainty of it all. I like to know what to expect, especially with someone as toxic as BM. I appreciate your support and kind words. 

Rags's picture

So, play BM's game,  agree to whatever she stipulates. Then keep him for the 2wks and do not return him until the end of your 4wks.  

Do not reply to any reach outs except with, "My son is visiting me for the 4wks I am COd to have.  I will return him at hte end of my time.  It is your responsibility to engage his coaches, etc.. on his events when he is with you.  As you have a history of removing him from football for at least a week each summer, I will be doing the same until the lost visitation you did not allow me to have is made up.  Be ready, we will do the same next summer. Buh-bye."

By the time she can get to court, you will have returned him.

Then over the next year, prepare for the next year and do it again, and again, and again.

If a Judge says anything, address it in court.  There is not much they can do over past issues other than admonish DH.  The kid is with his father, he is safe, and his mother has clearly denied visitation.  The CO says 4wks summer win 2 two week blocks.  Do not let her take DH's time.  Execute visitation to maximize the duration of each individual visit.  Enjoy watching BM's head explode

thinkthrice's picture

Rags, again that approach would be possible IF the alienator was the bioDad.  Since the courts have stated there is no such thing as PAS by BMs, this would not work. 


Rags's picture

I know.  IMHO it is time to do what is right and force BM's hand then ask for forgiveness if it actually goes to court.  Letting this BM run amok is not the way to go IMHO.

For sure I would be loading that kid with the facts, hitting that BM with contempt motions when she so much as squeeked a mustard seed fart out of alignment with the CO.  When the Skid missed football on her time, contempt motion, when she tried to take part of visitation, contempt motion.  

That kid would be so versed in the facts and BM's manipulations that he would know instantly if BM bullshits about anything.


I know I have the experience of being the CPs spouse which is a whole different ball game than being the NCP and the NCP's spouse.  Even with my CSP perspective, I recognize that so many NCPs get screwed beyond belief. Sadly that means the Skids are getting screwed as well.

This is just so wrong and it chaps my ass!!!

Dash 1

Lillywy00's picture

so many NCPs get screwed beyond belief.

imo the good ncp get screwed because often times they fold too easily - whether it's mindset, lack of drive, financial etc

I unfortunately have an "ain't shi+" male breeder ... I held that fool accountable in court on public record so his lying would catch up to him and he was forced to treat our kid with the bare minimal respect she was entitled to by law. 

He paid most of my legal fees because he was so stupid for thinking he was above the law but then he claimed he was broke and I spent equivalent to a high end luxury car on legal fees retaining the top attorneys in town. 

I'm the custodial parent but the NCP breeder over here tried to screw me over (and by default the kid too) until I started doing my research and taking action to get justice.

Sometimes you gotta stand on business (for your kids sake) 

Rags's picture

Stand on the facts, roll up the CO, and beat the snot out of the manipulative wastrels.

We pretty much did the same with my SS's SpermClan.  It was about forcing them to demonstrate participation in his support.  He never had to realize that his SpermClan did not give a shit enough about him to at least bay a pittance in CS.  We made sure they did.  Though they would try to guilt SS into begging his mom to drop the CS requirement.  So, we offered to adopt the three younger also out of wedlock Speridiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas since the SpermClan could not afford to feed them, etc.  SpermGrandHag about lost her already batshit crazy harpy mind over that.  She was sooooooo offended. 


As he matured, he figured it out for himself. But we made sure that he did not have to live with that toxicity during his childhood. 

CastleJJ's picture

This would never work. We have no skin the the game. DH has no legal custody and is only entitled to visitation. Not only would a court strip DH of the already limited visitation he has, BM would refuse to send SS for visitation ever again and every single visitation would be a fight because of "the stunt we pulled". She would deny visitation under the fact that she can no longer trust us and she would tell SS, as the alienator, that we kidnapped him and we weren't going to let him see BM again. The PAS would ramp up exponentially. BM follows the CO to a tee, but these grey areas that aren't clearly spelled out with dates/times are where she likes to manipulate and she does. 

I would rather DH contact the coach, attempt to get an idea of what the schedule will look like, take her to court and lay out all the facts in hopes of getting an updated and clearer court order than do something like this. To start, we will see what BM does. If she manipulates the schedule, then off to court we go. If she doesn't, then we will leave it alone. 

Lillywy00's picture

BM would refuse to send SS for visitation ever again and every single visitation would be a fight because of "the stunt we pulled". She would deny visitation under the fact that she can no longer trust us and she would tell SS, as the alienator, that we kidnapped him and we weren't going to let him see BM again.

Im no lawyer but a parent can't just deny visitation whenever they feel like it. 

Your husband is entitled to see his son and (outside of documented abuse/neglect) no manipulating breeder can stop that 

Yall seem like nice people with high moral standards but y'all giving that lady way too much power. Stop going back and forth trying to negotiate with her because she's irrational and needs a lawyer or judge to put her in check. 

The way to counter PAS is to do whatever it takes to spend time with the kid creating memories even document the memories in photos etc. As they get older, Most kids have an uncanny ability to see right through a manipulative parent

CastleJJ's picture

I don't mean that we wouldn't fight BM on seeing SS. I just know that if we pulled a stunt like that, BM would refuse to send SS ever again, and we would be in and out of court for the next 6 years to enforce our visitation. We follow the court order plain and simple. 

thinkthrice's picture

Most adult skids who have been PASed REFUSE ( refuse is the key word) to see through the manipulative parent.

I worked with a guy back in 2006 who was convinced his dad was the evil one.  This guy was well educated by his father's money and was very well to do and a great entrepreneur but believed his mother walked on Holy Ground when it was obvious she poisoned him against his dad.  He was in his twenties at the time.

1dad6kids's picture

This will be SS14. He see the stuff BM does but he will stand in front of me and lie to my face about her just so she doesn't come off looking bad. He believes she can do no wrong, even when the wrong is right in front of his face

Rags's picture

Sadly PASd kids sniff the PASing parent's ass while convincing themselves that it smells like roses.


Thumper's picture


THIS, right here, what you described, is exactly what "Pathogenic parenting" looks like.

Mom all wonderful, dad the bad man. 

It will not stop until that adult child is NO contact with the alienator. That is very rare unless, unless they are thousands of miles away and lack communication options.  Even when alieanator parent passes away (I wish that on no one), there are usually, a  significant amount of  minions circling around that fully take the place of the alienator parent. I've seen this with my own eyes in various forms. 

Kids/adult kids who are part of Pathogenic parenting fully REJECT the target parent. They don;t come back after emancipation age. Those now adult Kids that magically return after cs stops is something totally different than Pathogenic Parenting OR "PAS" as some people call it. 



SMto3's picture

Mom, the victim, and Dad, the aggressor. 

Rags's picture

Oh yes, there often seems to be clingons that continue to deify the dead shit parent as some kind of Saint and try to maintain a from the grave control over the PASd kid for the dead parent.  The kids for some reason have some ingrained need to convince themselves of the saintliness of that worm dirt crap parent.

Even my DW has some of this regarding her BioDad who was killed in a single vehicle accident, while under the influence of heroin, shortly before my MIL confirmed she was pregnant with my DW.  DW knows, but.... there is a notable deification of him in lieu of the whole needle problem.

This topic has some interesting elements of this in my family as well. We regularly talk about my paternal grandparents and my maternal granddad.  I can't think of one positive discussion about my maternal GM.  Those are lusually discussions about how unpleasant , manipulative, and controling she was.  She was a favorite of mine growing up.  She baked, always seemed pleasant. Until I hit my teens and recognized how she treated my mom. I wrote her off at that point and she never recovered in my view.  While my paternal GPs and my maternal GF maintain a solid place in my view. My paternal GPs were not young kid focused. They were very teen and adult GK focused. My maternal GF was just an all around nice, living, quality person.

thinkthrice's picture

That there is an uncanny bias against biodads in the family courts.  Not sure if you've ever watched a movie such as "Divorce Inc" but time and time again bio dad is behind the eight ball and is assumed to be nothing more than an ATM.  

The courts 99% of the time will side with the crazy BM.

Going to court against the custodial BM is an exercise in futility in the western world.   Contrast that with the Asian world where the woman has zero rights even to her own children.   Unfortunately there is never a happy medium (human nature).   Just ask the former poster JustMakingTheBest .  Check out her blogs.

Lillywy00's picture

That there is an uncanny bias against biodads in the family courts.  

Id respectfully disagree 

Probably back in the 70s but todays times are different 

My kids bio dad was a rich celebrity so he was instantly favored over me as the NCP .... initially.....until his narcissistic personality started showing through and he pissed off the top lawyers and judges in town 

Biodads getting shafted in court happens when they can't or don't want to do the work get even partial physical custody and do more than just throw some money around to take care of their kids.


The court favors whoever has the kids - as they should. 

Many bio dads fall into the "traditional" mind space of "well it's easier to just roll over, pay the child support, and accept what custody is handed to me" 

Most of these men DONT want more physical custody 

The family courts here was 100% women trying to get help from courts so that their male counterparts would help them take care of their kids  

If men wanted the courts to be in their favor then they need to start getting custody and doing more to take care of these kids instead of letting women (even the unstable unmotherly ones) do all the custody then have the audacity to complain the system is unfair to them. 

Lillywy00's picture

When confronted, BM's response has always been that BM is the sole custodial parent and she can do whatever she wants

Anyone who says this is a nut job 

she still disagreed, stating SS wasn't comfortable enough to be with us for 3 consecutive weeks.

what is this kid like a toddler or something?!?  This is how you'd treat kids who are breastfeeding and or under 5 years old  

Collect ALL your evidence then drag her unsavory a$$ back to court. Let the lawyers handle this so you don't have to stress about it. 

 You're only supposed to accommodate the baseball schedule not the BMs neurotic controlling whims

You may not want to use lawyers but they can help facilitate an easier summer transition so that your husband can more effectively exercise his parental rights. 

If you have enough evidence where they find her in contempt of court then courts could make her pay y'all's lawyers fees 

CastleJJ's picture

We took BM to court in 2019. We paid $30k and spent a year in court for a judge to rule that "a child needs their Mom" and give us the order we currently have. We don't have that money again to fight on this issue, especially when the courts are BM favoring. And I am not taking that money from our life or from our DD2 to fight these issues. 

Lillywy00's picture

If I were you I'd file an appeal, demand a new judge (one who is fair) ... in the most cost effective way. 

I think I read youre thinking about going pro se which I think is good but just know judges and lawyers are definitely ​​​​​​ biased towards clients who Represent themselves bc they assume most pro se clients do not know what they're doing. 

So do as much research as you can and if it's feasible hire an attorney to prep you/consult with you before hearings, how to complete / file court docs, etc  

"kids need their mom" is when these kids are breastfeeding. If the step kid was 2 or under I could see where the judge would side with the mom  

Also courts look at status quo ... so they're not going to pull a school aged kid out of school to increase NCP custody unless the NCP can accommodate the kids school needs  

However plenty of research shows kids need BOTH parents and any judge who denies this is biased and not fit for a child support/child custody case  

I've spent similar amounts as you (to the point I cringe thinking what high ticket items I could have invested in had my kids narcissistic bio breeder just acted like most normal fathers) but I didn't have a husband or other kids at the time of my lawsuits against him so I understand your concern and your threshold  

* Im not a lawyer but I have over a decade of learning the legal system after hiring top lawyers in town to sue my narcissistic ex breeder for our daughters fundamental rights. 

CajunMom's picture

I agree with your stance on no more court battles with high costs. Reading your prior posts and how the CO is set up, it's almost guaranteed to be a loosing battle. So, if you do that route, self represent, plead your case to the judge and be prepared to take what is handed down.

Playing devil's advocate here....having a bio child that was heavily into sports many years ago. She started at 5 years old in PeeWee ball and moved into all kinds of sports all the way through high school. Middle School sports are huge here...always have been...because that's the "prep" stage for high school atheletics. Summer practice was common. So, the BM may very easily manipulate the judge on that summer sports training and SK needing to be in his area, so be prepared. 

I'm sorry. As someone said, you are one of the most dedicated SMs here and I hate that you have to deal with such a wicked BM. 

CastleJJ's picture

I'm not against SS playing sports. I'm against the fact that SS is enrolled in sports year round and BM values SS' sports and being the sole parent over trying to encourage a relationship between SS and DH. BM has already told DH that she won't allow SS to play in college, so what are we doing all this for? We are doing it so BM has a valid, not so PAS reason to prevent/limit SS from seeing DH. If we could accommodate SS' sports and still see him, we would, but due to the distance, there is limited times each year we can work with. We already get alternating holiday breaks (Thanksgiving, half of Christmas, and spring break) so it's not like we can add 4 weeks elsewhere during the year due to school. 

It has been so hard. BM chose to move away and chose this life for SS. She moved to be with her GF, regardless of the fact that it was taking SS away from his Dad who he saw regularly. We couldn't stop it because BM has sole custody. We consulted a lawyer and everything. Despite the fact that BM did this she constantly blames DH for why SS has to miss things, like it is our fault she moved and now there is distance. Many on here have suggested we move closer to BM. We are not moving 4 hours away, leaving our families behind, to be near SS and follow BM. I am not taking our daughter away from all of her grandparents and aunts/uncles to move to a city where the only people we know are toxic BM, GF, and SS. Plus, BM would fight us on seeing SS even then, she did it when she lived locally to us. 

We are going to see what the sport schedule looks like and what BM offers and go from there. I just hate not knowing what to expect. It makes summer impossible to plan and I don't want to be waiting around for months, having to sort out trips and visits to family last minute. 

CajunMom's picture

I stand with you on NOT moving and personally, would NEVER offer that advice as we've seen via this board how even living close doesn't stop the crap behaviors of PASing BMs. Why would one uproot your entire life and that of your family for a "slight" chance of it working out? Nah....not odds I'd be gambling on.

And I agree with you on the sports being used more as a PAS agent rather than a future for the child. My daughter planned to do sports in college and was working on scholarship money possibilities. 

I'm sorry, CastleJJ....just so wrong...sending you a virtual hug.

Lillywy00's picture

^moving is probably what a single ncp parent would do to prevent PAS in order to see their kid more frequently 

If this were me I'd get a court order that states the CP could not move without advance notice, approval from the court, and only for reasonable reasons such as improved career opportunities/increased pay bc such cannot be obtained locally

Probably not a good idea to move where CP is located if NCP has other obligations like new spouse/kids, local job, etc. and/or there is no court order preventing the CP from moving constantly on a whim. 

dragonfly878's picture

Is there a deadline when she needs to give you an answer by regarding summer plans? Could your DH initiate an email to her regarding summer planning? Most summer camps start registration for the summer in February. I know campus are different from sports but my point in brining it up is that folks need to have time to make plans. I would flat out REFUSE to give up your time with SS and if she tries some bullshit take her to court for violation of the CO. 

CastleJJ's picture

We asked the courts to enforce an April 1st deadline each year, to allow us two months to plan/prepare before SS should arrive. BM argued it, stating that the sport calendar may not be available by then. We all went back and forth and the courts gave her 7 DAYS NOTICE to make changes... SS is supposed to come the day after school gets out for summer break. BM has until 1 week before school gets out to request any changes. 

DH has initiated conversations with BM before about trying to solidify the schedule earlier. Sometimes it has worked for a specific summer, other times she has made us wait until the last minute. It's really dependent on BM. 

dragonfly878's picture

Seven days notice is wild. I'd plan as if he's coming- talk to him on the phone as if he's coming... shit I'd make special plans for the time hes supposed to be with you- and then tell him all about those plans to hype him up. Thay way if BM decides to change the plans she looks like a total asshat.

Rags's picture

The visitation schedule in our CO required the NCP to give the CP a minimum of 60 day notice of their intent to excercise a visition. 

The visitation schedule was fixed against the school schedule so we did not have a lot of room for game playing from either side of the equation. Neither ours, nor theirs.  The COd visitation schedule was 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring. 

They also had 10 days of fall visitation in SS's area of residence on the condition that he could not miss school during that visitation.  Never once in 16+ years did they excercise the fall visitation.  The CO also included 10 days of visitation for my DW while SS was in SpermLand for the longer summer visitation.  After 2wks, DW could take SS for 10 days as long as we stayed in the local of SpemLand.  After that 10 days the remainder of SpermClan summer visitation would continue.  We never were able to take that as SpermGrandHag would just take SS on day one of summer visitation and disappear.  The Judge just shrugged that crap off.


There were several periods of a year or more that they refused all visitation.  At the one year point I would mention to DW that I was fine if we paid for their half of visitation travel as I did not think it was healthy for SS to not see his SpermClan.  On a number of occassions over the years we paid for their airfare to get him to SpermLand for a visitation when they were crying poor mouth about not being able to afford half of the costs.

School was clearly made sacrosanct in the CO.  Summer, winter, spring visitations could not start until school was out and he had to be in our possession no later than the day before school started.  Winter visitation was on a rotating Even & Odd year schedule.   Even years visitation was from the day school was out until Dec 24. Odd years it was from Dec 26 until the day before school restarted.  Even years it might only be a couple of days, odd years it could be a week+.

We never denied visitation even when they did not provide the COd 60 day notice.  Though we did use that as a stick to get SpermGrandHag back in line when she pulled her harpy hag crap.   

"You failed to provide 60 day notice as required in the CO. You are no longer entitled to a visitation this (summer, winter, spring).  There is now not enough time before school starts to give us notice and complete your visitation. Don't mess with us.  Now, what is it your were yelling about? Ha-hmmmmm."


I just had an epiphany.  When the Hag refused to provide SS for DW's 10day summer mid visitation-visitation, we should have smacked her with the "You failed to provide 60 day notice card the next summer and denied the long visitation completely due to their failure to follow the rules.

Damn-it!  The lost opportuntity to bare her ass.

I'm only partially kidding.

Rags's picture

There is no doubt that there is an absolute bias against BioDads in family courts.  

Our case had some interesting caveates.  Yes, my DW had full physical and legal custody.  She had left SpermLand with SS (then ony 1yo) to attend University out of State.   She heard crickets from the Spermidiot and SpermClan for months.  He did tell DW he had plane tickets to visit. He never showed up. Twice, she took the bus to the airport with Toddler SS on her hip to meet the Spermidiot. Both times he was a no show.

When they heard that she was dating someone, they came flying out of their rat hole, filed for custody, etc...

As she had left Spermland and we had married, by the time we got to court, there was a notable bias to the SpermClan being local and the victims of a mean nasty BM with a "rich"  husband.  I had just started my career after completing my BSEE.   I had an entry level role with a decent but not stellar salary. So we were far from rich.

The judge had accepted repeated postponements requested by the SpermClan after DW had flown to SpermLand with SS for a hearing.  This happened 3 times.  All part of a bankrupt DW and force her to surrender the kid because she could not support him effort.

The Judge tried it again when we were there for court less than a week after we married.  That one was on the Judge. He wanted us to agree to reschedule so he could preside over a murder trial. Hell no. We refused, our attorney pushed the Judge a bit, and it was game on. If we had tolerated it, we would likely still be waiting to get to court 30 years later.

The Judge was in agony the whole hearing because he wanted to rule in favor of the SpermClan but there was no way he could do that legitimately.   The biggest element of local resident bias that  the Judge perpetrated was when the SpermClan refused to pay their half of medical costs not covered by insurance. The Judge punted, refused to order them to pay, and told us to sue them in small claims court.

Certainly not anywhere near the inherent bias BioDad  NCPs suffer. But we have had a small taste of bias in favor of the local party.

CastleJJ's picture

The bias sucks! Our judge was so ignorant to PAS and was like "why can't you all just get along?" like we would have spent the tens of thousands of dollars to be in court if we could have "just gotten along." Trust me, we wish we could get along with BM and make co-parenting a million times easier, but BM doesn't want to play ball.

Our BM had the audacity to ask DH to drop his fight because she was running out of money to maintain her legal fees. She wasn't willing to compromise to get the fighting to stop either. She wanted to stick to the original arrangement, which is why we took her to court in the first place, and just drop the whole thing. DH literally laughed in her face. 

Rags's picture

"why can't you all just get along?"

After we finally got in front of the Judge and a revised CO, we fired them.  Their job was to deliver to and advise to our requirements. They were more interested in not pissing off the Judge, other local lawyers, and the community than in doing their damned job.

Our legal bills went way down after we found our killer shark no bullshit attorney.  Much to his chagrine as he thought we were the whale clients who would be in a massively expensive decade+ long battle.  Most issues required just a letter from him on his firm letterhead telling them exactly what they would do and what the results would be if they refused.   They did as they were told once we hired the shark.

Once we moved, SS was a local resident after 6mos and we could have shifted venue to our county in our state.  One of the most pro BM high CS counties in the country.   We would never have done that as it would have also more than doubled visitation. No amount of money would be worth forcing SS to spend more time with the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.   But the threat of $1000/mo+ in CS after years of $133/mo CS petrified the SpermClan. So, we kept that on the plate as an incentive for the SpermClan to stay in line.  Mostly they did just that.

Any Judge that would think much less say "can't you all just get along" is a proven bottom 10%er of the legal profession that seemingly regularly ends up on the family law bench. No dumbass, if we could, we would not need  you.  Or even better... "We can get along fine, but they can't. Which is why we need  you."


SMto3's picture

When the SSs were younger, they had their attorney, and there was mediation often. DH told me that on multiple times, he was asked why they couldn't just get along, and he kept trying to explain to the courts that BM1 was mentally ill. The thing was she presented as "normal" and could convince them of her sanity. Looking back on it now, it's sad actually (she died this year, DH thinks she committed suicide). The courts completely dropped the ball on this one.

Lillywy00's picture

There is no doubt that there is an absolute bias against BioDads in family courts.  

The bias in courts is towards the kids. As it should be.

In still mostly traditional America who keeps the kids most of the time?

If men claimed more physical custody they're entitled to then they'd have more favor. 

Go down to any family court today. I guarantee you will see over 90% women trying to enforce their male breeders to be accountable and take care of their kids  

More men STILL think it's a woman's role to do the lion share raising these kids so therefore they are shirking their responsibilities off onto the women/aunts/grandmothers/anyone relatively safe with a pulse and t*ts heck sometimes another man as stepfathers on this forum can verify - and if they do anything most of them throw chump change around (that barely covers costs of supporting a kid) while the rich ones throw major money around (to

stop the women froM constant lawsuits/to sit down and take care of the kids) OR settle on the least amount of custody (a couple times a month) bc that's what's easier for them then they whine and complain nothing is fair for them in courts  

The fathers who actually care and are trying to do more to take care of their kids should not be lumped into the category with most of these men out here.  

However I do believe that if Men want more rights in courts systems then they should start with demanding 50/50 physical custody. 

SMto3's picture

That the bias in courts is towards kids, as it should be. In my case, DH obtained custody of his first 2 children, but then child support was never really enforced against BM1.  She died this year owing DH about 70k in child support. I do believe if it were a man, he would have been put in jail. 

Rags's picture

I certainly agree that the courts feel that they are biased towards the kids. Though far too often they completely miss establishing custody for the quality side and go with the manipulative entitlement minded side.

IMHO, and I know this will be a generally male centric perspective, the generally better choice to be the CP is the more financially stable parent.  While the less financially stable parent should be the NCP.

Ceteris paribus.

I have never once heard a Judge in our hearings even mention the best interests of the Skid.  It was all about the best interests of the Spermidiot and SpermClan.  "Any child would be blessed to have the love and support of this fine family."  After a full day hearing of the Spermidiot's statutory rapist history, gangbanger wannabe aspirations, gun violation arrests, drug violation arrests, giving an infant alcohol to knock him out because he was crying at a party when he had SS for a weekend while DW was finishing HS, SpermGrandPa's cheating, etc.....

Our final Judge was demonstrably intelligent.  While no specific reference to SS's best interests, that is definately how she ruled. She also went for the Spermidiot's throat.

She definately appreciated my DW's success in life and recognized the Spermidiot's continual sandbagging on support and being a decent person. DW had completed her dual major BS and her MBA prior to that hearing.  It was clear that the Judge was fully aware of DW's journey from teen mom HS student to an outstanding adulthood.