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Allegations of Abuse

CastleJJ's picture

SS9 went home on Saturday. We ended up having a great visit at the tail end of visitation. He was so adjusted. We went camping, had SS' friend sleepover, built a box fort, had nightly movies nights, and went swimming. SS even made a comment about me being the glue that holds our family together and he reminisced about all the nice things I've done for him. Before SS left, he gave me a huge, tight hug that I thought was going to break my ribs. He smiled and told me he would see me in two weeks and that he loved me. 

Tonight, BM emails DH a 10-paragraph email stating that SS broke down crying immediately after driving away from our apartment claiming that DH hurt him and that SS tried to report it to my parents but that I prevented him from doing so. She brought up the dream about DH hurting SS that I blogged about a few posts back. She also said that SS informed her that I eavesdrop on all of BM and SS' phone calls. She claimed that SS has been crying for months and is scared of us. She claimed that we shot SS with a Nerf gun because of not making his bed perfectly. BM tried to say that we fail to accept SS' pleas that "No Means No and Stop Means Stop." She tried to say that she didn't send this information "to cause a fight, but only so we can improve and do better for SS." She claims that SS has been crying intermittently since March because of these issues, yet we are just now hearing about this. 

None of this is true. DH doesnt even play roughhouse with SS, solely to avoid allegations like this. SS always takes his phone calls with BM in another room, except this week, when she Skyped SS while we were in the car driving. SS barely lifts a finger when he is here; he fails to clear his plate, make his bed, nothing. There is never punishment; just a reminder and if he fails to do it, we do it. Hell, SS has told us about things BM and GF do that are questionable. He told us that BM makes him stay in his room until noon without food and access to a bathroom. We are certain this is an exaggeration because 20 minutes is 2 hours in SS' mind. SS has been talking about GF's work in law enforcement, prison, bombs, violence, and crime. He told us that at BM's, he drinks Mountain Dew and listens to provocative rap music, but it's not our house and he isn't in danger/harm, so we don't address it. BM brought up my brother, my parents, me and DH in this email, accusing all of us of some form of wrongdoing. 

So, DH emailed her back refuting the allegations as false, expressing that SS has brought up concerns about them as well, which may be a sign of a bigger emotional issue or that SS is trying to pit households against each other, and that the four of us should have an in-person group discussion with SS present to address these serious concerns together. DH asked me if I would be okay being a part of the conversation,  more so as a witness and that he would record the group conversation on his phone without BM knowing since one party consent laws are applicable in our state. DH called her bluff because he knows that BM will never agree to a group discussion because these allegations never happened and we doubt SS said any of it. If she responds "No" then DH will pull the line our attorney once gave us and respond: "Your allegations seem intended for court purposes to create falsified documentation which could serve useful in future court proceedings. Emails like these will not be entertained in the future without proper legal representation."

BM wants to slowly widdle away at DH's 6 weeks of visitation. She sent an email a month ago saying that SS' sport obligations are only going to increase in upcoming years which may impact our visitation and now she has false abuse claims that she isn't reporting to authorities but wanted to "let us know." It's similar to the stunt she pulled during court, accusing my BIL of sexual misconduct at our wedding, which she attended to "supervise" after receiving court permission, out of fear of sexual misconduct occurring at the wedding. I see what she is trying to do. Plus, the judge told BM during court that what happens during our parenting time is none of her concern unless SS is in danger/harm so cue abuse allegations to attempt to control our household. Seems a little too convenient if you ask me. 

To make matters complicated, I found out this week that I am pregnant. DH and I are over the moon and have wanted to start a family for a long time. I do not need this stress and DH knows it. He said if BM starts up her shit again, he will likely be done with SS, especially since BM is making bigger accusations and drawing other family members into it. I told DH that I will not jeopardize our child or my health to keep SS in our lives for 6 weeks per year. He agreed. 

I just hate this woman and don't understand why this has to keep happening. 


LittleCloud9's picture

Congratulations on your happy news!!! :)

Let your hubby handle the rest and keep yourself as calm as you can. Sounds like legally he's done his research. 
Best wishes and hugs!

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

If this continues maybe for SSs mental health it may be best to try something different for a while. I wouldn't put it past BM to slowly try to brainwash SS to believe he is being abused in order for her to get her way. As BM seems hell bent on having SS all to herself.

Perhaps DH should ask for biweekly zoom counseling sessions with SS in order to keep contact with SS and have a third party present.

Winterglow's picture

I'd say that it's a possibility that he broke down and cried when he got into her car ... because he knew he was about to get the third degree.

CastleJJ's picture

This thought crossed our mind too. We don't grill SS on what he does at BMs because we frankly don't care. If he wants to share the information, he can, and he will not be interrogated or punished for sharing. He is always met with a neutral or positive response in our home. He has never had a breakdown with us, so I was thinking that being with BM may have caused the breakdown. 

WalkOnBy's picture

Yep- my guess is that this is what happened.  Kid knew he was going to get interrogated and BM just made up the reasons for the stress and tears.  Happened to us allllll the time and the Beast would then send emails accusing us of all kinds of bullshit and lies.

Why women do this to their children, I will never know.  

Congrats on your little one!!

justmakingthebest's picture

Congratulations! I am so happy for you and your growing family!

As for the false allegations, I have been there. It is why we have cameras in our house. We also only get my SS16 for 6 weeks a year. It is a joke. After everything we have been through, I can say that it wasn't worth it. None of our fighting in court, none of our stress, nothing has been worth it. I don't blame you in the slightest for saying enough is enough. 

CastleJJ's picture

We've been going through this with BM for 8.5 years. It has always been the same crap, just different tactics. First it was no overnights due to SS' age, then it was sports coming before parenting time, then it was allegations of abuse. All of these tactics have rotated through the arsenal at least twice before. It isnt worth it and I know that. BM will never change. We have also had cameras in our home previously to protect ourselves from allegations. 

We spent a year in court and $30k in court/lawyer fees for a judge to basically say "Here is 6 weeks, you're never getting any more time." He basically told DH to be happy with what he has, pay his CS, and let SS go. We know the courts are a failed system and that we will never get the response we are looking for. 

Since I found out I was pregnant, DH has been such a doting Dad and Husband. He has been researching all that he can. He ran in yesterday and was like "Did you know that baby is the size of a poppyseed right now and is forming its cardiorespiratory system?" He was amazed. He has been waiting on me hand and foot. It's all he can talk about because he is so excited to finally be that parent that he never got to be with SS. And it sucks, because BM never let DH be that Dad for SS and it sucks for SS, but we have done all we can do so I don't see many other options. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

False abuse allegations would be my hill to die on to say no to visitation. If your DH wants to see his son, it now happens in public, and SS never spends time in your home. DH should keep every crazy email she sends and write letters or notes to his son, send cards at holidays (via certified mail and keep the receipts), and keep any other documentation to show that he cares (e.g. cell phone records showing he tried calling but got denied). None of this is to be used in court; it's to be given to SS when he's an adult to show him that his dad did, in fact, care about him but was put in a bad situation where he could have gone to jail and his new child would be put in foster care.

Unless BM becomes super agreeable because she sees they may be getting played by a 9 year old, drop the rope. She won. SS doesn't deserve the stress she'll put him under, either, with every visit. 

CastleJJ's picture

False allegations are my hill to die on. I told DH that last night. He understands but I think he is waiting on BM's response before making a final call.

We have saved everything, never to use in court, since we will never entertain court again, but to have in case we drop rope and SS ever comes knocking. We have call logs, thousands and pages of emails from the last 8 years, every lawyer bill showing the thousands spent, DH and I have even made scrapbooks over the years of pictures of SS, DH, and myself and all the fun things we have done together. 

AgedOut's picture

I think your DH did the right thing by calling her out on it. I'd also have him suggest SS meeting w/ a court appointed counselor who could sort out all the issues he seems to only have or express to BM. 


But no matter what happens w/ SS, congratulations on the impending new arrival!!!

CastleJJ's picture

I worry about court-appointed counseling and here is why:

1) I know BM will get it court ordered that DH must pay 100% of this cost, since it his his "fault." I could also see our current judge granting this without a second thought. BM had SS inaccurately diagnosed with ADHD because SS was denied from the gifted and talented program and then she wanted DH to pay for BM and GF to attend an 8 week parenting class at the tune of $850 to teach them how to "cope" with a child with ADHD, since they are the primary custodial household. They were not including DH in the class, those fees were for BM and GF only to attend. DH refused to pay, but you see my point. 

2) I could see BM keeping SS in counseling forever, always coming up with false conditions and issues to keep it going. We believe BM herself has BPD or NPD and she loves to play the victim card. She had SS falsely diagnosed with the ADHD and tried to convince DH that SS had leukemia when he didn't.

3) BM is a mental health professional and therapist, so I could see her interfering with treatment or communicating with the counselor unilaterally to work against DH, under the guise that she is "concerned about SS' best interests."

Our BM is smart and her emails are worded perfectly to show just the right amount of care and concern for SS and to prevent a judge from seeing the abuse and PAS. Even our lawyer admitted that she was good, almost flawless, at playing the game. DH said she is neurotic enough to always operate 5 steps ahead. 

AgedOut's picture

Then to protect your family, especially your new addition, it will probably be better to just drop the rope on forcing anything. If SS wants to come, enjoy him, if he doesn't.. not much you can do but tell him he'll be missed. 

Zenmode's picture

Somebody is lying. Get the kid to therapy. Start documenting. If it's the kid, this is a big issue. If it's the BM this is a big issue. 

advice.only2's picture

Congratulations!! Enjoy this time with your husband and all the excitement that comes with this journey. Focus on all the positive and amazing things to come in the next 9 months.

FinallySkidFree's picture

We outfitted our entire home with cameras to protect ourselves against any abuse allegations. We could not leave anything to chance with the crazed out BM. Congrats on your pregnancy. many blessings to you and your DH.

CastleJJ's picture

UPDATE: BM emailed DH back saying that this isn't up for debate and she is not willing to discuss as a group with SS because she does not want to "gang up" on SS. She stated that we are lying and that she 100% believes SS that this is occurring. She stated that she is only informing us so we can "modify our ways in our household." 

AgedOut's picture

In other words, she's pulling it out of her tushy. I'd go w/ your plan to reply w/ the statement from your atty. 

CastleJJ's picture

I spoke to our attorney this morning. He said do not respond to her response. He said she is baiting for information. He basically said drop rope or be prepared to petition the court for mental health treatment and be prepared for a lengthy and costly battle. We don't have that kind of money and I know it won't make any difference. 

Our attorney recommended we get cameras and always have a witness present to protect ourselves and that we exercise each visitation one chunk and a time and if allegations continue, be done. He said focus on the next two week block, with the understanding that it may be the last visitation. 

LittleCloud9's picture

It's really sad that all too often the good parents loose. The underhanded vicious lying ones often win because they are willing to drop to any low and stop at nothing.

I'm sorry for the boy but you guys probably can't save him from this woman. If you ever wonder why the world is so full of nasty people, look at crappy parents like this who use children as objects and wonder why they come out dysfunctional.

At least you and your DH can have a chance to raise your own child in a healthy family and bring a positive stable new life into the world. That may be the best good you can do for anyone.

If you have to walk away, focus on helping your DH cope and support each other through the change.

Many hugs

FinallySkidFree's picture

Basically, she made the whole thing up and is afraid that SS will blow up her spot. Brace yourself, when she finds out you are expecting, she will raise the level of crazy to 100. 

CLove's picture

On your new little bundle of joy. Very sad that SS is in the middle of "crazy storm". Very sad.

But thats not something YOU have any control over. Something I am always having to remind myself of.

You take care of you, and enjoy this process.