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When does it stop?

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

My last blog was about BM and SD16 calling CPS on me and DH, claiming that we starved and abused SD16.  CPS came out to our house and interviewed my Bios and DH.  They told DH that they would not be investigating because neither child was here so they can't investigate.  However, if BM reports us again when SD13 is here, they will have to investigate the claims.  Of course, they also told BM this, so I guarantee they will be knocking on our door again in a few weeks.  The only thing I don't understand is that the CPS worker gave us a copy of the allegations.  All of the allegations are about SD16.  In fact, it states that when the police in BM's home state spoke to SD13, she told them that her dad was not abusing her.  So if they have to be able to speak to the abused child, how can they continue to investigate this?  It makes no sense.  This is only the 4th time that BM has accused my DH of abuse.  He even showed CPS our court papers where the judge talks about BM's false allegations against DH in the past and against the school.  It just gets so old.

Then to make matters worse, DH sent BM an email informing her that he is picking up SD13 because she is getting ready to start school.  This caused BM to amp up the crazy.  She has been texting and messaging people on FB about DH and me, claiming we abuse our children.  She can't see either of our FB pages.  Neither can SD16 or SD13.  BM has resorted to messaging members of my family and friends of DH's that she knows from their past together.   On top of that, she filed a police report in her hometown, alleging my dad and my BIL are driving by her house and sneaking in her yard to take inappropriate pictures of her family.  WTH?  My dad doesn't even know where BM lives, nor would he waste his time spying on her.  The reason for this is simple.  DH was contacted by CPS in BM's home state.  She had CPS called on her by someone, alleging that her house is filthy again and that there are many people living in her house (more than 12 people in a 3 bedroom single wide).  BM thinks my family must have reported her and this is her way of trying to discredit them.  The problem is my family had nothing to do with it.  Luckily, the people she has messages have sent me and DH screenshots of the conversations.

Unfortunately, it seems like no one can do anything to stop this.  It is legal harassment and I am so tired of it.  When does it end?  Oh, wait, I have answer.  BM sent my DH a cryptic email two days ago.  It said, "If you want this to stop, you know how to stop it."  She means that my DH lets SD13 go back to live with her.  She has been having SD13 call and beg DH to live with her.  Of course, my DH is not open to that possibility.  But, I am really starting to get tired of all the drama.  I don't know how much more I can take.

Comments

tog redux's picture

It's only a matter of time before SD13 refuses to return from a visit at BM's and then it's all over.  You can let DH know if he keeps fighting BM, you won't be able to stay there anymore.

This stuff is toxic, and usually, the alienating parent wins, one way or another. 

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

She tries that, but DH takes his papers to the police station and they enforce it.  He is the custodial parent so they force BM to turn her over to him.  My DH wants so badly to do what is right for her, but I am starting to think this is causing more harm than good.

tog redux's picture

Wow, I'm shocked. Police here won't do that. 

Then most likely, SD will begin acting out so severely that DH is forced to let her go live at BM's. 

I'm sorry, I know this stuff is awful.  I have a mental image of this crazy BM pulling and twisting and yanking her kid to get her away from DH, and she doesn't care what damage she causes. 

Has he gone to court over BM's attempts to not return her from visitation? If the police are decent in your area, maybe the courts are too. Can he charge her with custodial interference or something like that?

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

Oh yeah, we've been to court a bunch of times.  They actually took her visitation away once for several months, but she always seems to get it back.  It is just getting out of hand.  SD comes here and bawls for the first few weeks.  I feel bad for her because I know she misses her mom.  The problem is that BM won't straigthen up enough for it to be a safe living environment for SD.   She hasn't started acting out yet.  She told my DH that BM has encouraged her to act out so that she will get sent back like SD16, but she told my DH that she can't do that to him.

DH asked me how he can win this fight.  I told him that he can't because BM will hurt SD13 to get at him, and he will not play that game.  I told him that he needs to stay above all this.  I think he is also starting to give up hope.

tog redux's picture

Well, if court actually responds, then DH should figure out how to represent himself and keep going there. Ask for supervised visitation. Find a therapist to support SD (that DH chooses, not BM).

Normally I'm a "drop the rope" kind of person, but you have a judge who is responding, so use him/her.  It will eventually end, if only at 18 when SD can make her own choices. 

Petronella's picture

Wow, I certainly would never have let it get to multiple CPS cases! The very first time these kids make these allegations should be the very last time they ever set foot in your house or be alone with DH or you. 

Time to drop the rope and give them what they want. They want to stay with BM, let them stay with BM. You guys should just live your lives.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

That's just it. SD13 has never reported us to CPS and she always refutes any abuse allegations. Its SD16 who keeps making false claims.  She doesn't live with us and has been refusing to see my DH for years. SD16 and BM keep reporting and each time, CPS says they can't ivestigate ot because SD16 doesn't reside in this state.

Petronella's picture

So SD16 is accusing you guys of abusing SD13? Same difference. No more SD13 in your home. Don’t give any of them any more ammunition.

tog redux's picture

To me, SD13 sounds like a kid who is trying to withstand her mother's pressure and at least doesn't lie to CPS when her mother and sibling make up false allegations.  Doesn't seem to far to make her stop coming over, she's the victim here, honestly.

If she were lying along with her mother and sibling, I'd agree.  In this case, I think DH needs to try to help her figure out how to withstand BM's obviously intense pressure.

Petronella's picture

I get that it’s not really fair to SD13, if SD13 is truly innocent in all this. But I believe this OP also has her own younger children at home. It wouldn’t be fair to them to have one or both parents arrested or fired or publicly ruined due to the older girl’s false reports. I think this is serious enough that the parents’ safety is more important than a teenager’s right to come over. Maybe SD13 is mature enough for her dad to explain kindly, and in writing, not when they’re alone, that because of the constant accusations her mom and sister keep saying, unfortunately he will only be able to spend time with her in a public place. Have him explain that he loves SD13 very much, but these allegations could put him in jail and he just can’t let that happen. 

tog redux's picture

Except he's the custodial parent. So it means giving her over to a clearly unfit, alienating BM.

Petronella's picture

He’s the custodial parent? I missed that part. Really, the younger SD lives with them most of the time? 

advice.only2's picture

Lord these are the times you wish you could rationalize with a kid and they would get it.
"SD13 do you really want to be gutter trash like your mom and sister? Or would you rather live here in peace and have a chance at life?"
Trust me I wished I could ask Spawn that, but she loved the meth life, so she chose the chaos and the drugs.

thinkthrice's picture

before YSD PASes out like OSD.   Chef thought that yss would be different than his older siblings.  In fact his PAS out was much more abrupt than the older two.  Usually when CPS is called by the BM it's game over.

In my case the BM made false allegations and got the two older skids to back her up.

Ispofacto's picture

You need to seriously ignore all the bullcrap BM is pulling.  She can squak all she wants about gnomes invading her yard.  If she doesn't have proof, she's just going to look stupid.  Stupid-er.