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Therapists can have some really good information! Things I didn't even think about.....

Candice's picture

So last week I posted how we sent ss packing to go live with his mother...after she again changed her mind and decided he was moving back in with her. This is what our therapist said:

"Well, I know it would have been better if dh filed the paper work, but I don't think it's such a bad idea for ss to go live with his mother. You see, you and dh are not normal stepmother/passive father situation. There are a lot of stepmothers out there that aren't good stepmothers, they don't like or want their skids around, so they end up abusing them. SS is a pathelogical liar, and very manipulative. And b/c he uses emotion so easily, he is believeable. If he were to call cps on you creating a bogus abuse case, 9 out of 10 cps workers are going to buy his story, over yours and dh's, and not see the situation for what it is, and that will NOT look good on your resume.

If ss goes and lives with his mother, he will begin to have academic decline, he probably will break the law, and then cps will be called on his mother. If that happens, you guys will have a slam dunk in getting not just custody, but getting mom only supervised visitations. BM doesn't need to have open ended visitations with her kids, she is too dysfunctional, and she only should have supervised visiations for no more than two hours.

It's hard to watch a child have to go through this, just to get what you need in the legal end, and ss is going to be the one to be punished for all of this, but Candice...this has been a slow moving train wreck for a long time. This is going to come around again. This isn't the last that you have heard from bm or ss, or his living arrangements."

Even if ss lives with bm, and bm never loses her kids to cps, I still feel better after hearing him today. He reminded me that the last 8 years of my life were not wasted on ss, that maybe one day he will see the light, it just might not be for another 15 years. He reminded me to have hope for ss, which is not easy for me right now.

Candice

Comments

Caitlin's picture

Oh Candice, I'm glad that your therapist is helping you through this horribly difficult time. That's a great point he made about CPS and how his lies could destroy you if he continued living at your house. You do need to protect yourself from that!

I think you are on the road to finding peace with all this. And I think I mentioned this before, but I'll say it again. My brother at the ripe old age of 32 FINALLY saw the light and apologized to my mom and stepdad for the hell he put them through over the years. So, it IS possible. Maybe it'll take 15 years like your therapist said, but just hold onto the hope for SS.

Wishing you only the very best!

Candice's picture

Whenever I need help or feel totally overwhelmed...he is just a phone call away. I'm so glad I saw him b/c he did make me feel better. I don't feel so guilty anymore.

Thanks for repeating your brother's situation. I need to hear that over and over. So don't ever apologize to me for repeating it! I don't have hope for ss right now, but I will work on that. Right now, I still feel negative towards his future, but I will continue to see the therapist about that. He repeats to me..."you need to have hope for him, and that is all you can do."

I never looked at cps and those bogus charges being held against me like that, and when he pointed that out....there was no question in my mind about protecting myself or my son. I can NOT nor will NOT ever sacrifice my future, or my son's future for anyone. The therapist reminded me to support my dh verbally about standing up to the ex and sending ss packing. He informed me not to badger him about what he did wrong in the first place, instead compliment him on this. So I did right away!

Thanks again for being there. It was a tough week last week, and you guys helped me out tremendously. I hope I can do the same for you!

Thanks,
Candice

Anne 8102's picture

...it sure is nice to have someone pull you back a step so that you can see the whole picture. I'm glad you can see there is hope, Candice, even if you have to wait awhile for the payoff. Hang in there and keep us posted!

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)