Any bm's out there that don't have full custody of your child?
My ss lives with us 50/50 right now. He goes to school in our school district, and for the two weeks that he lives with his mother, she and her bf take turns commuting him 45 minutes one way to school. If bm does the commuting, she drives 45 minutes one way to drop ss off at school, then turns completely around and drives 1 hour and 15 minutes in the opposite direction for her to get to work.
She and I talked last night about this living arrangement, and we both agreed that it isn't working. Her problem with just saying to ss, you are living with dad is she feels like she is bailing out on her responsibility in parenting and raising her own son.
I tried to reassure her that in no way was she bailing out on raising her son, but I don't think my reassurance sank in...
Have any of you had or wanted your child to live with biodad, and if so, what struggles did you face in not having your child at home most of the time? Also, how did you overcome these struggles?
We are really flexible, and we have offered to bm that she could have ss every weekend, and most of the summer and all the breaks. We don't want her to not have a lot of time, and as far as cs, we ask for very little, and she wants to pay what we ask for, so money isn't the issue.
Any insight would be great!
Thanks,
Candice
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I don't know any.... But I
I don't know any.... But I really think that many mothers (and fathers) want the best for their children. If this makes his life easier she might be willing to make the sacrifice. Good luck, it seems like the lines of communication are open and you have the best intentions. I hope she sees that
I think she does 
She expresses that she wants what is best for him
and she repeatedly compliments us on our structure and stability and does acknowledge that she isn't perfect in that department. So she does see that we are doing our best to provide the best for ss.
Her problem is her own struggles with letting go, and feeling like she is being irresponsible by having ss live with us full time.
I personally think it is insane to go through the amount of driving she is faced with just to have him live with her 1/2 the time, and ss isn't appreciative of all that she is doing for him. She doesn't want him in her school district, so changing schools isn't the option.
Have you offered this 'idea'
Have you offered this 'idea' to her? How has she responded? How old is the child?
Maybe you can all sit down with your ss and your hubby and bm and just talk. Throw some ideas out their and see how the cards fall.
Yes
last year ss lived with us full time, and saw bm eow. Then this year, to make a long story short, she wanted him back, then one month later it went to changing back to our school district and him living between the two homes 50/50.
We have repeatedly offered for him to live with us full time b/c of all the driving. She is receptive to the offer and even wants him to live with us, and agrees that we need to reevaluate, but her struggle she told me last night is that ss is manipulative and says to his mother..."you just don't want me anymore, you just want my little brother and that is it..." he lays on the guilt trips and she can't handle it. She is an insecure person, and no doubt feels guilty over her parenting in the past (i.e. she spent more time at a bar than with her son at 4-yikes!) so she doesn't have the confidence to not allow her son to manipulate her.
In her defense, ss is highly manipulative...he has had a lot of adults (grandparents, aunts..etc) help teach him to be manipulative. For me, I know ss talks trash about me, and when he tries to be manipulative towards me..I just don't give him the audience. For instance, ss was in trouble at our house, and he wanted to shift the attention of him being in trouble to how people "don't like Candice"..well dh and I just don't give him the audience for him to be successful in manipulating his way through life.
Also, ss is 13...
The last line of your post
The last line of your post says it all... he is 13. He probably needs to be with Dad. Not that moms can't or shouldn't raise their teenaged boys, I don't mean that at all. I just mean that should be your argument, he's at the age where he needs to be spending more time with Dad. Maybe explain it to him that it isn't that she doesn't want him, but that his dad also wants him and that since he's a boy in his teens, it's important for his growth and development from boy to man for him to have that positive male role model during this part of his life. I tend to think that boys learn most of what they get from moms early on, while girls get most of what they learn from mom as older children. And vice versa with kids and dads. When they get to be a certain age, it's important that they have a lot of access to that same-sex parent.
I know my husband was totally floored when his daughters started having periods and it was me - good old stepmom - who had to help them out with those issues at our house. If one of them had asked him for a tampon, he'd have stood there with a stupid look on his face, mouth hanging open, turning a zillion shades of red and totally paralyzed. And I know it's a little awkward for both me and my son when he has a "peebug" question, so I totally turn those over to Dad. Maybe that should be the approach with your ss... father/son bonding during an important phase of his life.
~ Anne ~
Good suggestion Anne!
BM knows in her head that it is in his best interest for ss to live with dad. And I know that if I were a single mom trying to raise ss, I would have to send him to his dad's. And I told her that too, which she appreciated. The big problem is she is so struggling with the guilt, and possibly what biomom stated was public ridicule.
I agree that he is at the age where he needs to be bonding with dad (he's also at an age where only dad can manage his pis poor attitude too), and I know my dh would be able to make this argument and bm would totally listen, but ss is really manipulative, and loves the good ole guilt trips, and bm just can't deal with it.
I'm going to share this with bm, we are going to re-evaluate this living situation again over Christmas break...our original deadline to re-evaluate is March 31, but the commute is just breaking them. So thanks for the input, hopefully we can share this with her and possibly make it an easier decision for her.
I love the example you listed of your sd's periods...omg! My dh would never and has never purchased tampons for me at the store. He is so modest, he wouldn't be able to do that, and if he had daughters, he would have totally done the same to me...lol!! OMG would he be paralyzed!
Thanks for the input ladies,
In our case
stepson's therapist had some long talks with his mom about how living with his dad would be in his best interest. I think she probably did say about how he needed his dad's (male) influence. She also mentioned about how our environment was more structured and stable which is exactly what stepson needed/needs (being ADHD). Stepson's mom, with the therapists urging, agreed to let stepson live with us. She felt guilty about that decision too and changed her mind once after telling us that he could live here. It all worked out in the end and stepson is doing very well, living here.
I think that BIOMOM is right about people criticizing mothers for letting children live with their dad. I think that my stepson's mother has people commenting to her about "how could she do that" and I think that is what makes her feel guilty about it. (of course I don't know that for sure). They shouldn't be criticized for making a decision that is better for the child!
The bottom line is, that stepson has been here since 2nd grade and now he is in 6th grade. He is doing great and even made the honor roll last year! So there's the proof that it was a good decision.
Dawn