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I hate being a stepmom

Blueburger's picture

Just finished having a HUGE argument with DH...we've been together a couple years...this is bullshit. Sorry for my language but it is.
Started with DH and I messing around a bit after we showered. We were already dressed but were just playing around on the bed when SD7 knocks on the door and asks DH if he wants to play some game she made up. He told her he'd go play in a bit. She stayed by the door and said that he was taking long.
I told him "hurry up DH your daughter is calling you" and I laughed.
SD then asks if I want to play. I say (while DH is nodding his head silently) "no thanks, SD, your dad will play with you."
SD says, "well, Blue, if you want to play you can play..."
And I confirm that it was to be only her and DH.
DH asks me why I won't play. I didn't think it was a big deal (SD ALWAYS asks me to play with her, dance with her, or wants to show me something and 90% of the time, I do it; especially when DH isn't home with us).
I told DH simply because I didn't want to. Because I do everything for SD and treat her pretty much like she's my kid, I really didn't think it was a big deal.
Well, DH asks me again, "why won't you just go play with her with me??"
I told him again, this time I was getting irritated, "DH, because I don't want to."
He says, "I don't want to either but I'm still going to play"
And I said "as you should because she's YOUR daughter..."
Now, after a whole day of not speaking to me, I asked him why he was SO bothered by what I had said. (instead of freaking out and blowing up, DH does the exact opposite and keeps silent and ignores completely, til the other person, me,casks him to open up; I in doing so am bothering him...every time...)
He said that it had pissed him off the way I worded things...I was confused...I asked him what I had said wrong. He said he didn't like this way I had said that SD was "your daughter"...
I reminded him that she was indeed "his" daughter and he said he knew that but so what and why was it such a big deal for me not to just go and play with SD for a bit. I told him I didn't feel like it and thought that it would have been nice if it were just them two since he's not home very often and they don't spend so much time together just the two of them...
I do everything else for this skid with no appreciation and ONE thing I don't want to do with SD, and he gets pissed off with me?? Seriously??
I said that and he says that has nothing to do with the situation...of course not...
After this and more that he's said to me, (which of course is when the truth came out that i tell him what to do with his kid ALL THE TIME about EVERYTHING) I'm really REALLY close to disengaging completely and telling him seriously to have MIL pick SD up from school for him to pick her up before getting home from work...this was how it used to be before we got married. If he's not happy with how I do things, maybe I should just leave...everyone will be


Disneyfan's picture

Maybe having MIL involved IS better for your husband and SD. Clearly he wants a woman to treat his kid as her own. The child's grandmother is willing to do just that.

Since he made the changes with MIL to please you, more than likely he expects you interact with his kid in a way that pleases him. If you don't want to do this (there's nothing wrong with refusing to do so) why not hand the reins back over to MIL?

BethAnne's picture

I would have said that your husband was under no obligation to play with his daughter either. He could have told her that you two were relaxing together and that she needed to find something else to do. If she says she doesn't know what to do then a few suggestions and a shut door would help.

Kids don't need us to be entertainment machines 24/7 and need to learn to occupy themselves sometimes.

Yes it is his daughter and if she had had a genuine need that needed addressing right then, yes your husband is ultimately responsible for seeing that it happens.

Maybe you two need to have a conversation (when you are both over this tiff) about your role towards your SD. It sounds like your husband is confusing you with his daughters mother (not literally, just in the role that you fulfill). You need to remind him that the things you do for her you don't do out of obligation but you do out of choice and that you expect him as her parent to pick up where you choose, on occasion, not to help with SD.

Blueburger's picture

Thanks everyone for your comments...I didn't mean to ignore you girls at all I just don't know what else to put...
To clarify, SD was not hurt in any way when I told her I would not be playing with her...she kept insisting AFTER she DH keep telling me to go ahead and join them.
He's also told SD "no" before as he's told my BS "no" before and it's not the end of the freakin world...

fedupstep's picture

I get this all the time too. The countless hours and time i have put in foe sd16 goes unnoticed and un mentioned. But when i don't want to play a card or board game with her and dh I am ignoring her. Dh forgets i work with kids 11 hours a day and sometimes I just don't want to ay another game.

No saint's picture

My DH resents me not playing "mom" with SS7's. It's not enough that I cook, clean, lay SS's clothes for him, bathe him and so on: if I choose not to go on a walk or do a kid's activity with them, I get the cold shoulder or a pity party. Really, really resent that so I relate to what you are feeling. Hope it gets better in time.