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Being made to feel guilty for my feelings....sigh

Bex_S's picture

So my DH, understandably is missing his daughter during quarantine, as BM and partner are both still working so SD is staying with them. That wasn't our choice. DH suggested the day of lockdown and before BM and partner returned to work that SD would be safter with us. SD had severe whooping cough as an infant and has scarred/weakened lungs so is potentially high risk if she gets infected. BM wouldn't have it; she cares more about having her kid with her so she doesn't miss her, than try to keep her safe. For a woman who loses her shit when princess brat even cuts her finger, it's worrying that she's not taking this more seriously. To protect our son DH had to make the difficult decision for SD to stay with her mum until lockdown is over, as their household is obviously not isolating. 

Now I understand that DH misses his kid and I've been supportive when he's had his low ebbs concerning this. DH and I are always open and honest with eachother with regards to our feelings; we don't bottle things up or lie just to make it easier in the moment; all that does is make things build and potentially cause an argument. This has always worked for us.

But this last time DH got a bit upset about missing SD following a very short and self absorbed videocall from her; she was barely paying attention and didn't seem interested in talking to him, even after not speaking to him for over a week. The last phonecall before that was BM using SD as a proxy to ask for money; SD wasn't ringing to talk to him.

 I think DH must have been upset about that, as clearly SD doesn't miss him at all. So everything just erupted and he got really upset. I tried to comfort him and he says to me "I know you guys don't get on, but don't you miss her?". I gave him the honest answer which was no (in more sugar coated manner), and he gets on at me like I'm the worst person ever. "I don't know why you hate her so much, she's my daughter and it hurts me that you don't like her". I explained to him I understand the difficult position he's in, but there's too much water under the bridge between me and her, and I'm done throwing her olive branches just for them to be shoved back in my face. I was honest in saying that all other things aside we don't get on as people, and he needs to get used to that because the personality clash will only worsen as she gets older. I'm not rude to her and I'm not dismissive of her, despite the opposite coming from her. I remain polite and interactive without neglecting our son. He understood but clearly didn't like hearing what he'd suspected for a while, but it looks like being honest about my feelings is only ok under certain circumstances. DH and I already have a strained but civil relationship with SS25 mainly due to his refusal to bother with our son, so I think this was just the icing on a very shitty cake for DH. I feel for him, but chastising me for being honest about my feelings, with the one person I should be able to tell anything to? What the hell.


Winterglow's picture

How old is she? Yoiu talk aboiut her as if she were 7-10 but if she has a 25 yo brother... well, I just wondered.

strugglingSM's picture

My DH likes to do this, too, but doesn't get angry. He'll just say, "I just hope that some day you can love my children." I respond by asking him what he is going to do to make things better...for example, creating boundaries so that SSs don't bring BM's drama into our home every weekend, calling out one SS who is regularly rude, dishonest, and disrespectful, expecting SSs to do anything when they are with us and being clear on how they need to behave when they're in our home.

DH also gets mad at me when I'm honest with him about how I feel about his family. I'm sure it hurts to hear someone call out his family's bad behavior, but it's damaging to me that they are so rude, dismissive, and judgmental about everything. He doesn't do anything to protect me from any of that, either, so he can't expect my feelings to change. 

I dread being around both SSs and DH's family because they both enable BM to cause havoc for us and DH just sits there like a lump and tells me that they can't help it. It makes me feel powerless and like a complete non-entity. It's definitely a rift in our marriage.

SubstituteMommy's picture

Good for you for being honest. I had to laugh when I read that your SD doesn't miss your DH at all. SD9 lives with us full-time, but when she is on her very rare visits with her BM, she doesn't act like she misses us at all and I know that it bothers him. The kid is gone for no more than one week at a time and it's only a few times per year! I'm happy to not hear from her when she's gone. I love my breaks!