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DH and the Highroad (Long)

BettyRay's picture

Last night was rough DH and I got into a heated discussion regarding the placement plan, CS, tax deductions and a bunch of other things stepkid related. How it started - DH brought up letting BM have the tax deduction for SS12. We normally claim him on our taxes and BM claims SS8 on hers. So she would be claiming both SSons on her taxes.

This upset me and I was trying to explain my feelings to DH but he wasn’t listening. DH’s exact words were “it’s a one time thing to help her out.” When he uttered those words I lost it. The conversation went something like this:

BettyRay: When have we not helped BM out?

DH: Well I want to take the highroad.

BettyRay: You are already taking the highroad. We give and she takes. The more we give the more BM feels entitled to take. Your DD states that you each claim one son each year. You’re entitled to it. I don’t feel its right for you to give it to BM.

DH: But it could benefit her more financially because we make more than BM does. That would help ssons out financially at her house.

BettyRay: SSons won’t see a dime of that money. If you feel guilty about keeping the deduction we can have the tax preparer figure out what our return will be with SS12 and without SS12. Whatever the difference is we can take that money and deposit it in the SSons college accounts – So they can use it, not BM.

DH: I don’t understand what you’re so upset about BettyRay.

BettyRay: I’m looking at this from a “big picture” point of view DH and here it is:
In the last year here’s what we’ve done for BM:

1. You (DH) got SS12 into counseling for the behavioral problems he’s having with BM. She didn’t follow through so you did.
2. We are taking SSons an extra weekend a month so BM can have a break. (The last 3 months)
3. I (BettyRay) added SSons to my health ins. The benefits to you (DH) and BM are: cheaper co-pays and prescription drug coverage (DH doesn’t have that on his plan). I’ve saved both of you a lot in out of pocket medical costs this year.
4. You (DH) pay the maximum in child support and have not had it re-evaluated and we have the boys way more than 4 nights a month. While I understand and agree with why we are doing it this is a huge benefits to BM.
5. You (DH) didn’t follow through with updating the placement plan and filing it with the courts. We now have the boys 10 nights a month plus the extra weekend a month, and it’s not on record with the courts. When BM balked at signing the updated plan and procrastinated you let it go and didn’t follow through.

So DH please tell me what more we have to do to help out BM? I need for you to tell me what dollar amount will ease your mind, for my own sanity, so that when I know what to expect from now on.

DH: I, I, I…

BettyRay: Just think about it. I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at myself for not telling you how I felt earlier.

DH approached me later and agreed to see what the difference is before allowing BM to have the tax deduction for SS12.

I’m just tired; lately it’s been one thing after another relating to BM. Usually I don’t bother letting BM-stuff get to me but last night I lost my cool.

Thanks for reading this I know it’s long.



SecondBest09's picture

For a minute, I thought you were talking about MY SO. It sounds so familiar. Why does it become their responsibility to "help the BM out"? I will never get it. I had another post about my SO agreeing with BM that he would consider loaning her money if she were to get in a "bind". UGH! It's so frustrating. And I AM a BM and I NEVER asked my ex to let me have anything that wasn't laid out specifically in our DD. As a matter of fact, I didn't even collect on a lot of what I was entitled to...1/2 of sports, 1/2 of Dr appts, prescriptions, etc. I just don't understand some of these BM's that think it's still their Exes responsiblity to take care of them! I'm so sorry. I'm glad he finally agreed to look at it first, but it's a shame you had to lay it all out there like that to get him to understand.

soverysad's picture

This is so sad. The courts all ready figured out what is "fair" which all ready benefits the BM. If my dh ever agreed to give her one more penny than what the court says he has to, I'd be on my way out the door! Harsh, I know, but I am the wife now and I deserve to be taken care of too. She all ready benefits from his working (which takes him away from me 60-70 hours a week) more than I do. Sorry - this just makes me so angry. Why do these men think they are forever indebted to these women?

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

soverysad's picture

Amen. I earn enough part time to pay half the household bills and I don't buy anything I can't afford out of my check (except household items). I cook every night. I clean this entire house and keep it clean. I do laundry (except Creatures). I take care of the pool in the summer. I help shovel in the winter. I get Creature off the bus Tues - Fri. I do most of the grocery shopping. I put up with the fact that I get next to no waking hours with dh for several months a year because his job is intense. I pick up even more slack around the house during those months. I'll be damned if that witch will benefit in "extra" ways while I am doing all of this so he can earn the money he all ready gives her. Hell, I am pissed because before I insisted Wingnut take the Creature in the morning, dh left early for work (6 am) and left me here with Creature and now since it is Wingnut's responsibility, he doesn't leave until 8am, which means he spends an additional 45 minutes in the car due to traffic, which is even less time for me. Why can't he still leave at 6 and inconvenience Creature and Wingnut? Wouldn't want the little princess to miss out on her beauty sleep.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

Thetis's picture

Oh god girls, my DH has found a new "highroad" where he talks to BM about EVERYTHING (yelling). You can check my My business post for an example. He is not only doing everything she asks of him and paying full CS, he now thinks she needs to know EVERYTHING (still yelling) that happens in our house when SD is there.

stepmom2one's picture

I think you have a great idea. Figure in the differnce and put it in an account for them. There is no reason for him to turn this down--and BM should be happy about this.

Milomom's picture

BettyRay, stick to your guns!! What in God's name is your DH thinking? I can't even imagine what your blood pressure must've been when he said he wanted to "help BM out"!! Especially after everything you do already (your list)...she should be thankful & appreciative. But no...give these BM's an inch, they'll take 100 miles.

I'm sorry I have no constructive advice for you. As a matter of fact, when I read your post, I ALSO thought I just typed it without knowing (like Vernie above). No words can describe what we SM's/GF's continue to deal with by being with these guilt Daddies (or as another poster used to call her DH "Daddynoballs" - I still chuckle when I think of that!! lol).

Good luck BettyRay! Oh, and as for your suggestion about taking the difference between what the money will be by having SS12 as a deduction & not (especially since you're LEGALLY ENTITLED to take him) are a SAINT, because I would've been SO MAD that I wouldn't have been able to think that clearly or that creatively at that point.

All I can say is that you're a better person than I am...amazing.

herewegoagain's picture

It is ridiculous for someone to pay CS and not be able to claim the child...I think your DH has lost it...I would be angry too...

BettyRay's picture

Thanks for the Support!

Taxes are done. Claiming SS12 made a huge difference on our return. So we won't be "helping BM out".

DH was actually shocked at the difference between claiming SS12 and not claiming SS12. It took everything I had in me not to gloat. DH also thinks it would be better if we deposit the entire return in our savings (finally he saw the light).

I mean we already contribute to the boys college funds monthly, BM doesn't contribute anything.

Oh and DH is filing out the paperwork to update the parenting plan, so I guess some of what I said must have sunk in.

-Henry Kaiser

soverysad's picture

Good for you. It always benefits the higher earner more since they're in a higher tax bracket.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

Milomom's picture

BettyRay, I need you to do me a HUGE favor, please. JUMP ON A PLANE AND COME HERE TO NY!! lol!! I need you to show my ignorant BF (I say that lovingly) what a MORON HE IS if he has our BM claim 1 of his skids on her taxes as she wants to.

Background: BF's attorney wasn't a very good attorney. So in their divorce negotiations, she convinced my BF to allow BM to claim 1 skid each year on her taxes (alternates SD15 & SS12 in odd/even years). First of all HELLO???? What kind of idiot would even SUGGEST that when you have a BM who NEVER works and when she DOES, it's always "off the books/cash" jobs (i.e. cutting hair, bartending, waitressing, prostituting herself (j/k with that one), etc..) - and it's sooo rare that she FILES a return!! Legally, she's probably supposed to - but she probably never does because I don't see her wanting actually CLAIM the income she actually makes (cash) and pay taxes on it. And worse, what kind of idiot (my BF) would AGREE to that?? He pays $1,500/mo. in CS for 2 skids, shares true 50/50 custody with skids and makes more than BM (and always will while the skids are young) because she's too lazy to work!! AAHHHH!

The ONLY saving grace is that they agreed (in the Divorce order) that if it would be more "profitable" in any given year for BF to claim both skids, then BF can do so...but then BF would HAVE to give BM the difference between the tax refund that BM actually gets from IRS v. what the BM would've gotten if she had claimed 1 skid for that tax year.

Now, for most of the 6 years that BF & I have been together, BF has never run into any problems with this and has been legally able to claim both skids on his tax returns...because BM NEVER FILED TAX RETURNS BECAUSE SHE PURPOSELY DIDN'T WORK (and as we all know, the $1,500/mo. she receives from BF for CS is TAX FREE!!), so she didn't claim any skids. mid. 2008, she finally got a certificate from a technical school and got herself a JOB as some kind of LPN or something at a nursing home (which she only works whenever she feels like it). So come tax time 2009 (early last year), BM actually had the balls to tell BF that she wanted to claim 1 skid on her tax return & of course, BF (Daddynoballs) agreed. So I said to him "WAIT A NEW YORK MINUTE, HERE!! Doesn't your Divorce Decree allow you to claim BOTH skids and just give her what she WOULD'VE received HAD she claimed 1 skid?? Just do it THAT way, because since you NEED the deduction, YOU should take it - you'll probably get MORE money back (lower tax bracket) for claiming that skid than she would...and it wouldn't hurt HER at all because she's still getting what she would've gotten back, just directly from YOU instead of the IRS!!". So he agreed & said he'd "discuss" it with BM.

Very long story short (or actually long -lol sorry), BM made BF's life hell for about 2 weeks playing games, not giving BF the amount of the difference, telling him she didn't understand, blah, blah, blah. So he told her to have her accountant/tax preparer call HIS accountant so he could explain it...and voila!! That's the way it was done. I don't know if I would necessarily TRUST that BM's tax preparer gave BF's accountant a truly accurate # (I think it was about $4,000 or so last year, I don't recall), but so long as HIS accountant knew that the #'s worked out for BF, so be it.

I'm cringing thinking about this year's tax returns...let the games begin. Thank GOD I'm not married to him because I will NEVER allow BM to be privy to my income or any of MY personal info. She's a stalker, she'd climb the highest mountain possible to get that info. (yet her getting her a** off the couch or off the computer to actually EARN her own living...that's a different story).

I just thought of something...I really should write an anonymous letter to good ol' Uncle Sam the IRS & report her for tax evasion & tax fraud. Does anyone out there know if you have to report the Equitable Distribution settlement $$$ on your tax return as income?? And even if it's not taxable income, is it still reportable?? I know that BM received about $70,000 CASH money from BF when he bought her out of her share of the marital home (now our home) when she left him -also makes me sick because ALL money put into this house, not to mention, blood, sweat & tears, was always my BF's $$! Yet because they were married when HE bought it, it was a "marital asset"!!! Ahhhh!! Ok, I'm not that evil, I really wouldn't write the letter to the IRS...but it would be handy to know this in the event we ever need some "leverage" in other/future negotiations with her lazy ass.

BettyRay's picture


Sorry I didn’t respond earlier, I was on a business trip.

My DH and I have had many, many, many, discussions about finances. In the beginning when we were putting our budget together he didn’t think to include CS in the budget because it’s automatically deducted from his check. :? We had many go-arounds about it and I finally got through to him. But it took a long time. (DH would include the vet bills for my dogs but not CS - so weird!)

I think it may help to look at who’s paying for what in your relationship. Then sit down together and do a budget. It helped us a lot. I also leave BM out of the finance conversations, that way he doesn't get defensive and stop listening. I approach it from the perspective of our financial health and well being as a couple.

DH finally realized when he saw it on paper exactly how much he was contributing to BM above CS and 50% of out-of-pocket medical expenses. It opened his eyes. Now DH only has occasional lapses in financial judgment.

I’ve learned to stand my ground when it comes to money. I’m willing to compromise on some things but only if we’ve discussed all the options. And believe me its hard DH can be so stubborn at times.

Good Luck!

-Henry Kaiser