DH and the Highroad (Long)
Last night was rough DH and I got into a heated discussion regarding the placement plan, CS, tax deductions and a bunch of other things stepkid related. How it started - DH brought up letting BM have the tax deduction for SS12. We normally claim him on our taxes and BM claims SS8 on hers. So she would be claiming both SSons on her taxes.
This upset me and I was trying to explain my feelings to DH but he wasn’t listening. DH’s exact words were “it’s a one time thing to help her out.” When he uttered those words I lost it. The conversation went something like this:
BettyRay: When have we not helped BM out?
DH: Well I want to take the highroad.
BettyRay: You are already taking the highroad. We give and she takes. The more we give the more BM feels entitled to take. Your DD states that you each claim one son each year. You’re entitled to it. I don’t feel its right for you to give it to BM.
DH: But it could benefit her more financially because we make more than BM does. That would help ssons out financially at her house.
BettyRay: SSons won’t see a dime of that money. If you feel guilty about keeping the deduction we can have the tax preparer figure out what our return will be with SS12 and without SS12. Whatever the difference is we can take that money and deposit it in the SSons college accounts – So they can use it, not BM.
DH: I don’t understand what you’re so upset about BettyRay.
BettyRay: I’m looking at this from a “big picture” point of view DH and here it is:
In the last year here’s what we’ve done for BM:
1. You (DH) got SS12 into counseling for the behavioral problems he’s having with BM. She didn’t follow through so you did.
2. We are taking SSons an extra weekend a month so BM can have a break. (The last 3 months)
3. I (BettyRay) added SSons to my health ins. The benefits to you (DH) and BM are: cheaper co-pays and prescription drug coverage (DH doesn’t have that on his plan). I’ve saved both of you a lot in out of pocket medical costs this year.
4. You (DH) pay the maximum in child support and have not had it re-evaluated and we have the boys way more than 4 nights a month. While I understand and agree with why we are doing it this is a huge benefits to BM.
5. You (DH) didn’t follow through with updating the placement plan and filing it with the courts. We now have the boys 10 nights a month plus the extra weekend a month, and it’s not on record with the courts. When BM balked at signing the updated plan and procrastinated you let it go and didn’t follow through.
So DH please tell me what more we have to do to help out BM? I need for you to tell me what dollar amount will ease your mind, for my own sanity, so that when I know what to expect from now on.
DH: I, I, I…
BettyRay: Just think about it. I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at myself for not telling you how I felt earlier.
DH approached me later and agreed to see what the difference is before allowing BM to have the tax deduction for SS12.
I’m just tired; lately it’s been one thing after another relating to BM. Usually I don’t bother letting BM-stuff get to me but last night I lost my cool.
Thanks for reading this I know it’s long.