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Meltdowns – The Saga Continues

BettyRay's picture

SS12 is having meltdowns at BM, yet again; and now SS8 is modeling this behavior too.

SSons behavior at our house is fine. We have house rules (have had rules in place for 3-years) and the boys behavior is fine in our care. When SSons do act up its normal kid and sibling stuff but not the out of control behavior they exhibit at BM’s house.

BM doesn’t utilize house rules. SSons run her house and when she tries to step up and parent they flip out on her. SSons have absolutely no respect for her.

The last month has been horrible, BM has been calling DH *ALL THE TIME* regarding SSons behavior at her house. This results in upheaval at our house. DH is spending hours on the phone with BM. He’s trying to coach BM on the parenting techniques we use. By the time DH is done with the BM calls he’s so upset that he’s making himself sick over it. And forget about doing anything couple related after a BM call, the rest of the night DH talks to me about what was said, what happened, and wants my thoughts on it. It’s totally exhausting. Every time the phone rings we both cringe.

DH had a counselor picked out for SS12 in July, DH and BM both met the dr.; BM didn’t like the counselor. DH gave BM the list of counselors approved by our ins. and told BM to pick a counselor out that she liked. BM never followed through.

Then SS12 stopped having the meltdowns and DH dropped it. Now SS12 is going off on BM again. So after the last episode which occurred during the Thanksgiving holiday, DH found another counselor for SS12 and made an appointment for next week.

In the mean time SS8 has started in on BM as well – UGH.

I know I’ll probably get slammed for this but I feel more alone married than I did when I was single. I’m usually more positive and giving than this. The sad thing is DH keeps apologizing to me about the BM calls. And I’ve been letting him know I understand. I mean I know SSons need to come first right now and DH is getting them the help they need I just feel sad and guilty for selfishly wanting DH’s time and attention.

Thanks for listening.



onehappygirl's picture

We have kind of the same problem as you do except it BM isn't constantly calling DH about it. DH will occasionally get an e-mail from the Wookie telling about bad behavoir and asking how to deal with it. The last Wookie e-mail described how bossy SS13 was and how whiny and babyish SD9 was. She described how SD9 threw a screaming, throw down tantrum in the grocery store because she didn't get her way.

DH told her that this behavior doesn't happen at our house because it will not be tolerated. If SD9 or any of our (4) kids threw a fit like that anywhere, they would be punished, probably spanked by the bio-parent and then sent to their room for the rest of the day alone with none of the other kids to play with.

All you can do is stop taking her calls. Enjoy your time with them when they are at your house, but when they are with BM, she is on her own. If she can't step up and be a parent to those kids, you really can't help her. Kids will treat their parents the way their parents let them treat them. You can talk to the kids regarding their behavior (as we have), but ultimately, it's up to BM to set boundaries when they are with her.

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!