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So hurt and angry

ashica's picture

I guess I will be writing this blog to vent..

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since we lost our first one March 1, 2013, miscarriage and had to get a D&C. September 19, 2014, I realized I was 5 days late but didn't know if it was the stress I was consuming. (in a custody battle currently) I took a pregnancy test, and it had a faint line. Just to verify that I was pregnant, I went to the doctor that following day, and they said I was pregnant, congratulations. I was in utter shock. I didn't know if I should be happy or scared.. all these emotions.

I know my husband was thrilled and so was my family. I wanted to hold off telling my son until I saw him in person because he has been praying I would get pregnant. He has been praying that mommy would have two. Who would have thought coming out of a 5 year old so eager to have a brother or sister.

Then almost two weeks later, I started bleeding. It wasn't bright blood. It was really dark. My first pregnancy, with my son, I bled the first trimester. My doctors then, told me it was normal as long as it was brown, its the blood outside the uterus, like an old period. Then, I started having left abdominal cramps. Okay?? So I don't remember this in any of my pregnancies. One Saturday evening, Sept 27, I told my husband we needed to go to the ER. I just didn't feel right. We went in, ..ohh my goodness, the ER likes to take their time. I felt like we were their forever. From 4pm-11pm. ..

Crazy, huh? They did a pelvic exam and said my cervix was closed. They did a vaginalexam, and said that they couldn't see anything, but doesn't mean anything because I was around 5 weeks. My hgc levels were at 18,000 that night. The ER doctor told me I needed to see my OBGYN immediately just to follow up on the level to make sure they were okay. So I had some more lab work done, and my hcg levels had doubled to 28,000. My OB said okay, I want you to get another vaginalexam done in a few days.

Well, that day came to go get my vaginal exam done, I couldn't get out of bed because I was in so much pain on my left side. I had to have my husband drive me to my appointments. The nurse said return back to the office so we can talk. I found out right their in the room that at 6 weeks their should be a sac in my uterus, they couldn't find anything their. Nor they couldn't find anything in my tubes, but because I was having so much pain in my tubes, he told me I was have ECTOPIC Pregnancy, and I needed to do either one of these two things, go and surgically remove it before it ruptures, or go and get the methotrexate shot to terminate the pregnancy. I didn't know how to respond because it was still registering that I had to kill the baby before it killed me... (way I took it)

Of course we chose the methotrexate shot. For all that doesn't know what that is, which I didn't know until my doctor explained it to me either. It kills the embryo and makes the baby dissolve in the tubes. They would have to continue checking on my hcg levels until they decreased to 0. So, we left the office and went to another office to get this done. The shot doesn't hurt, but the medicine is very uncomfortable. Since I am a big old baby, my doctor prescribed me some pain killers to help.

I had this all Wed, October 1. The methortexate shot doesn't work right away. Well, I definetly felt nothing. I didn't start feeling cramps until Friday evening, and Defintely SATURDAY. This weekend, my husband is scheduled to get his kids. So instead of telling his exwife the truth, which I do understand because she is a nosey cow. He tells her we cannot get the kids because my wifes out of town, and I have to work all weekend. No one to watch them. She goes well I have a photo shoot and they cannot be with me. She says what about your parents? Of course his parents says yes. Having the methotrexate shot I cannot be around people, its a chemo shot that lowers your immune system. Dr said not be around anyone for 48 hours atleast and def a week of not having or going anywhere because of the immune system. (which I already have a crappy one anyways)

I didn't mind his kids staying at his moms. Saturday arrives, I have horrible pains. I mean excruciating pains, and I pass the sac in the toilet. It scared me more than anything. I feel scarred for life. .. I have never seen anything like that and really didn't dawn on me to begin with since my second pregncy m/c I had a D&C. I call my husband crying on what to do I think you should come home soon, etc, etc. HE tells me do what you think you should do. Flush it or burry it. I didn't want to touch it, and all I can think of is.. that poor baby.. I ended up flushing it, and he comes home about 3pm and goes back over to his kids to have dinner with them. Only came back to know that he had a friend with him that had to get home..

Saturday night, I am sooo much.. I was in tears and medication wasnt working. I ask my husband to call the drs office so we can get someone on call. He gets someone on call and tells them I am hurting, what is to be expected. The dr on call basically says its normal to be in pain, but if the medicine is not working its possible something could be wrong, bring her in. Instead of bringing me in, he tells me to take another pill and if doesnt work we will go in. I take another pil in pain and it still doesn't work and he is beside me sleeping/snoring away. I am crying in pain beside him..
Following morning, he gets up early and leaves me to spend with his kids. I am so angry with him.. I don't talk to him answer his calls. He doesn't come home until 8pm. Asks if I am okay? Wonders why I am giving him the silent treatment...

Goes in and asks my mom, shes like you are supposed to be with your wife but instead of her grieving over a loss of a child by herself you choose to be with your kids when she needs you the most. All he says to her, is we have an agreement that our kids come first. That agreement was made before we got married. I have already told him numerously that neither kids come first.

Now today, I woke up Crying and so much anger in my I tore him up in a text message. I know sounds terrible, but in a text I can describe my feelings without forgetting what I am feeling.

The only answer I get is you could of called me to come home Sunday and I would have? Why in the word do I have to call to get you to come home when WE lost a child, but you choose to be with your own kids?? I have never felt so much anger in my life until now. The only things he said is I'm sorry, forgive me. Thats not enough for me..

HE is a wonderful man. But I am so tired of being on the back burner when it comes to his kids. Because I don't put mine first. IF I did I wouldn't be living with him. I would have left and moved to be closer to my child until I won back custody.

I am angry, I am grieving, I am hurting inside and outside. The most person I needed couldn't be here for me.


moeilijk's picture

I'm very sorry for what you're going through. That's a lot of physical and emotional trauma in a short time period.

I do have some advice, and I mean it in a kind way so please try to see it that way.

You seem to expect DH to take care of you INSTEAD of you. Not all the time, but enough that this situation got out of hand. I think you would be less hurt and more angry/ready to take action if you set some boundaries and clearly asked for what you wanted. On the other hand, now that I say that, I went back and re-read and you asked DH to come home when you passed the sac, and he gave you pushback.

Not to deny that he may be going through some emotions here himself, but I suggest you confront him about all of this. Somehow it's become about his kids, but it's not - it's about his choice to do anything and be anywhere than at your side, helping you physically and dealing with this emotionally together.

If he's the kind of man that makes up excuses to avoid being there when you are at your weakest, can you really move forward with that? I know my own husband has a phobia about hospitals etc, and has had to take numerous days off work to be there for me when I have had different health issues. He has been HAPPY to do so, and made sure I knew it. Your DH should be doing the same.

In my opinion, ofc.

ashica's picture

I didn't realize I had to call my husband to come home. When knowing that we both just lost a baby. Common sense is, I need to be with my wife. But he choose his kids. I have confronted him. All this morning. All I get is I am sorry I hurt you. His exact words " I told you if that 2nd dose didnt work let me know n I would take you, baby. N If you wanted me to stay you should have said something n its not just your loss my love its mine as well. I understand and Im sorry if I upsetted you. Your right I should have been their for you, please forgive me. Thats when I told him, That just it. I shouldnt have to say anything. We'v done this before. This time I seel so alone. Like it or not I know their your children but you make me feel they will always come first in your life and thats what is going to destroy our marriage. His response was Your not alone baby I am always here for you. I love you .. .Not one denying of I dont choose my kids.. No defensive ness... NOTHING. It was like I never mentioned it.

Sports Fan's picture

Your DH acted like a jerk. You did ask him to come home on Saturday and he blew you off. You shouldn't of had to ask at all. You were in no condition to be the one to have to ask him. He knew what you were going through and should of just been there whether you came out and asked or not.

This child was his too. He obviously doesn't place the same importance on your kids together as he does his other kids. He should of just told BM that he couldn't take the kids this weekend. The reason is none of her business. Since you didn't care, he could of told her the truth anyway. It wouldn't of killed him to miss one weekend.

Hanny's picture

It will be hard to move on from this I know. I know what it is like when your DH or SO put their children first, especially when you need them because of a medical issue. My SO picked me up from the hospital at 3 pm after major surgery (knee replacement). I was on pain meds and was just getting used to getting around with a walker, but had assistance in the hospital. At 4:30 pm he left to go have dinner with his daughters and ex and her BF. The dinner was a dinner for his oldest daughter (22) that was going off to prison the next day for a DUI. Yea, I was left home to get myself up from bed and to the bathroom for the next 5 hours while on heavy meds for pain. I've never really gotten over it entirely and probably never will. I know his children come before me and he has said it, and I now put my child before him. Yes all our children are adults, and it should be different, but it isn't and I accept it, I just do the same thing back and I guess that helps.

I'm sorry for what you went through, I would have a talk with him and ask him if this is what you should expect in the future, especially if you do have children together...what children are going to come first...

Tuff Noogies's picture

i am sorry for your loss.

also, your dh had a massive cranial-rectal inversion- i hope it's not permanent.

Jsmom's picture

Sorry but that is unacceptable. I agree the kids come first, but your wife has to as well. You can do both, you just have to manage it and he failed miserably. You should have told him to stay.

I have learned with DH I have to ask for exactly what I want. That way I do get it. He also knows, that long after the kids are gone, it is just us and he makes damn sure I am happy and I get his attention as well. You have to speak up for yourself. All the time. Men are stupid and need to be lead to be better spouses.

Jsmom's picture

Sorry but that is unacceptable. I agree the kids come first, but your wife has to as well. You can do both, you just have to manage it and he failed miserably. You should have told him to stay.

I have learned with DH I have to ask for exactly what I want. That way I do get it. He also knows, that long after the kids are gone, it is just us and he makes damn sure I am happy and I get his attention as well. You have to speak up for yourself. All the time. Men are stupid and need to be lead to be better spouses.

isthisforme123's picture

Yes, I guess you could have been more direct about wanting him to stay... BUT his response to your mother's criticism that "we have an agreement that the kids come first" speaks volumes. That makes me think he knew what he was doing, that he chose the kids over you. Sure, now it's easy for him to say "I'm so sorry, why didn't you say something, I won't do it again" blah blah blah... Because it's already over! When actually faced with the decision he chose the kids.

A friend of mine actually divorced her husband because he was with a dying family member, and not with her during a miscarriage. I always thought that was extreme, but I think a lot of women would feel the same way.

I don't know the specifics of your situation with your own child, but I would NOT give up custody of my kid to be with this guy. Looking back on my life I regret the times I spent away from DD more than anything.

And, I'm sorry for your loss.

ashica's picture

I am so sorry this has taken me so long to reply. I have read the feed back, and you ladies are so wonderful. I have read the insights of everyone's opinions. The lack of communication fails in my marriage sometimes and the extreme stressful situations take over.

In the past month, I have dealt with so much. Not just loss of my own miscarriages/ectopic pregnancy but the fight of a custody battle that seems to never end. Men are not very smart men. I should know as a woman a man doesn't understand what women go through. I made him listen to every angry feeling I had, and I even had the courage to tell him where to go about his ex-wife without any thoughts to how it may end. I was so ready to divorce him because of my anger and how his ex-wife feels the need to always know what we are doing. All that mixed into the depression----really set fire to my marriage because I was so lost and hurt.

That being said, it put us in alot of positive outlooks. I love my DH husband and his stupid ways. I will never give up on him because I do know in the end he loves me just as much as I love him.

Since then, our marriage, communication has been great. It took me and my hurt to get through to him. He doesn't allow his exwife to push him over anymore, and he refuses his kids to talk back to me or ignore them when I ask them to do something. He stands by me. He does not allow his family---like his mother--- or his ex-wife to be little me no more. This man has changed for the better.

I guess opening his eyes to me actually done with the bullshit and ready to go, he realized I was serious unless there were any changes. Our marriage is much stronger than it has been then I can remember. I enjoy reading everyone's blogs. I understand what all step moms go through 100%. I too, still have my four step children. But my ground rules finally apply.