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Closely monitored tween and tween stuff

Annanymous's picture

So I monitor my kid's internet activity and facebook very closely. I even read through a couple of the messages occasionally checking in on her. When she is 18+, I will not check through her room or her phone or her facebook, but until she is at least 16, I check everything. I am glad I do too, because I have caught a couple things that were dangerous (talking to a "new boy to town" that talked like a grown man and was really sketchy- which I confronted her about, and she knows I looked in her facebook and read those messages and WHY).

So I found out she is planning to kiss her "boyfriend". She is not allowed to date at age 12 (almost 13), he is not invited here and she is NEVER to go to his house (mom and stepdad in prison and she says the rest of his family had been involved in drugs and fight and everything- not the boy's fault, but not where I want my 12 yr old girl at either), but they are "middle school boyfriend/girlfriend" and text and facebook and see each other at school or at football games at school.

I hoped and hoped she would wait, and I have talked to her since 6th grade about boys and waiting on things and sex and all that. If she starts kissing, I KNOW this kid, she will start "making out" with him.

She will do what other people want "so they will like her" or "not be mad at her". Seriously. I have tried and trained and talked since she was in kindergarten about not doing things just so other people will say they like you (back then she gave away lunch money and snuck barbies out of the house to give to the girls in her class so they would like her...Yeah, $20 new barbies I bought and I did not replace ever again).

She is a good kid. She is really STUPID LIKE ALL TWEEN GIRLS at times, however, about things I have talked with her about until blue in the face (don't talk to strange men on facebook!!!!-this stranger on facebook said she was prettier than her friend, so she tried to give him her GD phone number).

I really hoped she would not be kissing any boys at 12...But they say "I love you" to each other and he calls her "babyyyy" (GAG) and "Boo" (GAG). Of course I know this because I read her texts and messages, but she tells me they have never said "I love you". She lies A LOT. I am afraid if she starts kissing it will turn in to making out then turn into sex acts because she has got caught looking at stuff last year typing sex stuff into Youtube and google (again, normal tween stuff, she heard at school and was curious). This is why, along with the being an idiot on facebook, I look through ALL her internet stuff and do not allow the laptop to leave the living room and must be facing the stairs so Dad and Mom can randomly look down the stairs to see the general screen of the laptop - cant see words, but could definitely see if there were boobs or anything.

I see that most her friends had their first kisses already and are talking about nasty sex stuff all the time. I cannot over-shelter her, but good lord, I never had any conversations like these 12 year old girls, and boys! In mixed company conversations! are having when I was in middle school. The closest thing ever said was "he has a cute butt teeee hee hee". These girls say "C**T" words I won't even say as a 37 year old, and I had a bad sailor-mouth when I was in college (F*** word was about every other word for me for a few years in college then when DSD came along, I started saying "aww bumblebee boogers" and "shucks" LOL and I said a lot of "ffffffffffuuuuuu uuuuuuhh uuuuhmmmm funny bone" for a while catching myself.

Point being:

This is a typical tween issue, not step related, but this is the only blog forum I have right now and she is my stepdaughter, even if I am raising her as my own and saving up to adopt her. So no, its really not a step issue, but I am looking for Parenting Tweens type of forums in the meantime.

I can't confront her. I can't stop her. Oh it just tears me up thinking of some greasy little pervo boy (they all are at 12-13) kissing my little girl makes me want to just literally vomit and scream. I am not religious, but I will pray to God of all religions that if she does end up peck kissing this boy (this is the first one that has been "affectionate" towards her, the previous two would only wave at her and would text her but nothing more) Oh please do not let her start having sex any time before she is 20....Even 16, I can get some Xanax when she is 16 and get her on birth control, but oh God I pray nothing more comes of this. She is just sooooo easy; tell her she is prettier than her "pretty and popular" friend and she will do anything for that ego stroke.

Again, this is a really really good kid, who does normal middle school girl stuff and she is NOT bad or anything at all in any way, shape, or form. I just worry so much for her and don't want her to get hurt or in trouble. She tries really hard to follow the rules and she helps with chores without even being asked, and she does tell tweengirl lies like all of them, but she DOES TRY. You couldn't ask for a better daughter or stepdaughter, really. She makes good grades, does her homework without being asked, she even did laundry all by herself last night because I was laying down not feeling well.

This is A GOOD KID. I just don't want her kissing no boys!!!!!


Rhyleighblue's picture

Valium helps.

We also use Ativan in the hospital for people who are having a panic attack.

Just sayin'.

DeeDeeTX's picture

My sister did stupid shit at 6 so people would like her.

She did stupid shit at 16 so people would like her.

At 26, she is involved with an emotionally abusive ass who lives off her. She doesn't want to leave because she's afraid people will be mad at her and she'll feel too guilty. :jawdrop:

Beat that personality trait out of her while you still have a chance.

Annanymous's picture

She has a cousin and his exgirlfriend who was 15 and turned 16 when she had the baby, who were in LURV they were "2gether4ever" crap written all over both their stuff...And they broke up after the baby was born. The girl dropped out of high school; cousin finished alternative high school. The girl now has no high school diploma and works at a gas station four years later and cousin had another baby with another girl. My 12-yr-old said "never me!", and I definitely used that to talk with her about teen pregnancy and sex and being ready for sex and respecting self and all that stuff.

Unfortunately, friends are stronger influence than "dumb old mom who doesn't know how things really are".

I guess it just grosses me out so bad; it is like thinking some sex-craved horny 13 year old putting his nasty lips on my little girl and knowing what they all think about and push for. However, he seems like a nice boy, in the snooping I have read he has never once said anything nasty to her (Ive seen some nasty talking tweens on facebook omg) and he has always said very nice and supportive things to her, never been hateful at all in any way, he even told her he was with a friend spending the night and couldn't get on the computer to talk, but that he wanted her to know she would still come first and if she wanted to text him he would answer (cute).

She is so happy with all the attention he gives her that I know for a fact she would answer a resounding YESYESYES if I asked her if she would be happy in 20 years to say he was her first kiss. Remember, they say "I love you babyyyy" Yes, they put the three "Y"s at the end. (oh DH and I wanted to puke with that, but we keep our mouths shut).

I never read her messages or texts until the past two instances where she broke internet rules and did something stupid and dangerous talking to a stranger that we really think was a grown man with a fake account (cant prove it, but gut feeling).

I do not read any messages on facebook or texts between her and any family member or any of her known friends *that I recognize the name of*. I do still try to give her that privacy, and she knows that. However, ANY strangers are open for reading and deleting, and any boys or older teen boys or men I find friended or messaged on facebook -straight up I will randomly open and read everything. I try not to read the message to her boyfriend, BUT when you look at the list of messages, the last thing said shows on the main page, and it said "I wud have kissed u maybe next time cause I wanted 2 but I was widd friend 2" ...omg. Otherwise, I would not have seen that at all, since I know that boy's name and wouldn't open those messages.

DH will probably have a coronary.

RedWingsFan's picture

Oh just be thankful you don't have MY SD14 who was having phone sex, sexting and sending raunchy and I mean RAUNCHY facebook messages to her 13 yr old boyfriend while she was 13, then decided to go ahead and have sex and give him a bj...Yes, at age 13!

My 14 yr old daughter kicked SD out of their shared room one night when SD borrowed her cell phone and called her boyfriend and had phone sex to "get him off" since she couldn't see him that night! My daughter said SD sounded like a fffffing porn star and was thoroughly disgusted by her and told her to leave the room! This was after DH and I had already gone to bed.

Yeah, SICK

I am trying's picture

Hahaha my SD12 (13 in a few days) literally covers her ears if she hears a bad word or inappropriate reference in a song, tv show, etc. She literally cowers in the corner making a panicked face and sometimes rocking back and there no happy medium?

RedWingsFan's picture

Funny, my SD14 would blush and get all bashful when hearing any sexual reference at all, even the word "sex" at age 12 when I first met her and DH. Funny how things change in a year's time.

bmhateclub's picture

My heart hurts for you right now. My baby is 9 and I know when the day comes I will be a complete wreck. I agree with one person who said to beat it out of her while you can. LOL

Clearly An Upgrade's picture

I'm really not trying to offend anyone, and maybe I'm the minority in my opinion on this kind of stuff. But I have to say that what you WANT to happen with your daughter (step or not), and what will very LIKELY happen with your daughter, are things that you have more control over than you think you do.

First of all, no child NEEDS a cell phone. For f*ck's sake, if the kid is sending kissy-poo messages to her BF, take her phone away. It is GREAT that you are checking her messages, but kids know how to delete texts they don't want their parents to see. If she lies, then she's deleting incriminating texts. Period.

Next, if you say no boyfriends, then NO BOYFRIENDS. WHY can't you confront her? You're her parent!! It's your JOB!! If she is breaking your rules, then she goes NOWHERE other than school.

Then the Facebook problem. WHY is FB such an issue? #1, your daughter isn't even old enough to have an account with FB. If you are worried about her FB activities, (I sure as hell would be after what's already happened) then shut that sh*t DOWN!! #2, If you don't want her looking at inappropriate things on the computer, then why does she have access to the computer?

I will always go through my daughter's rooms, phones, and computers because NO teenage girl can be trusted. Even if she's the BEST kid on Earth, girls will do things that are out of their normal character just to be liked and accepted. F*ck privacy. Kids have NO right to privacy until they are living on their own, and no longer being supported by their parents.

Btw, I am a firm believer that the "sex" talk should begin (with age appropriate verbiage) as soon as the child starts asking questions. If the child isn't asking you, know for DAMN sure that they're asking friends. You want that info coming from you, so start the dialogue as early as appropriately possible. THREE girls in my SD's middle school became pregnant in 7th grade, and six in 8th grade. Her high school has a teen mother ratio of 1 in 3. My SD is a product of a teen mother, and we all know that the likelihood of that history repeating itself is astronomical. You're doing her no favors by being skeeved out, but not directly confronting and opening communication regarding your concerns with her.

I've said this a couple of times in other posts, but it bears repeating: I am NOT my children's friend. I am their PARENT. I don't care if they like me. I KNOW that they love me, and they KNOW that I love them. I did not have children so that I could be popular at home. I have friends. They have friends. What they NEED is someone holding them to a standard, and following through with consequences when they stray from said standard. Freedoms, computers, cell phones, cars, FB, Tumb, Twit, Skype, material possessions, etc are EARNED through good behavior, grades, and attitude. None of those things are a child's RIGHT.

Clearly An Upgrade's picture

The same has been said about me (don't put up with sh*t), yet it seems like the entire neighborhood of kids come to me when they need help. Even after my SD said that I'm "the strictest b*tch on Earth", one of her best friends came to me for help with procuring birth control. (As did SD.) IMO, any parent of a teen that doesn't have the sex talk with their kids, and make BC readily available will be called far worse than a strict b*tch. They'll be called GRANDPARENTS.

Annanymous's picture

Wow, she does none of those things the other posters mentioned about their kids. I know because she only has the Facebook and Skype in the living room and if I am working, I have the door open and randomly pop in the living room.

She has never had any "sex talk" or nasty pics. They just say "I love you babyyy" and "I thought about maybe asking to kiss you today" is the worse thing she has on there.

I get the point of the post if I were some random moron that just let her run rampant with no consequences, but we have taken away the phone and the computer for extended periods, with this last being "any infraction of curfew or inappropriateness resulting in losing the device for the rest of the school year".

Teaching is more important to me at this stage than being "Mrs. Badass". I know she would be on facebook at her friends' houses, but then it would be a secret account that I would not have the password to. LOL at being "friend", I am in no way, shape, or form anywhere near being her friend, and she knows that and fully expects it. Dh is not her friend in any way either. We never have been. I think it is detrimental to children, especially tweens and subsequently teens for the parent to try to be their "friend".

She is making mistakes, but very very closely monitored and she is learning. I could shut down the computer, but I feel a month of no computer and learning during that time and subsequently with very close monitoring puts my child in a better position for when she becomes a full teenager out driving and even now going to spend the night with friends.

Two of her friends have secret facebook accounts. I have searched through the friend's friend lists to make sure SD does not have a secret account. I have fully informed her that a secret account or ever talking to strangers on the facebook or internet will result in the complete termination of computer privileges in this home. *You know they will get online on the friend's phone on the bus or at school or at the friends' houses on the weekend though* - her friends are not monitored very much if at all, seriously.

As for deleting stuff, well, I check it randomly and pick it up from her randomly when she is on the computer to check her friend list and open the messages folder to scan down for any strange people. I then tell her I am doing this because I love you and want nothing more for you to continue having the privilege of being online SAFELY, kiss her, and move on without being ugly because these tweens do this stuff. They make mistakes, they act stupid, and being able to go rubber necking saying mm hmm I just take away computer does not solve anything, it only will teach them to sneak and then be completely unsupervised.

No. I will stick through it, supervising, closely, staying on top of the constant talks whenever anything prompts it, a TV ad, driving down the street, talking about her cousin a teen parent; scaring the shit out of her with a fake news report, because when she is 16 or even 18, I want her to have been trained to the point that she can be online unsupervised and not be a moron. She is not allowed to Skype without permission and then only in the livingroom. The computer never leaves the living room.

Compared to the majority of kids, while it freaks me out her wanting to kiss this boy, this is nothing comparitively.

As for "allowing her to have a boyfriend"...really, you think you can stop them from having a "school boyfriend"? Two of the other mothers said absolutely no boyfriends...I know both of their daughters have fake facebook accounts and they walk out of their neighborhoods to meet up with the boys and make out. My daughter is allowed to have the "middle school level school boyfriend", but not allowed to go on "dates". She is allowed to hang out with him at school and school functions (you really think you can stop them at school from talking and calling each other BF/GF? These other moms thought so, and their daughters just lied to them. Mine is GPSed with the threat of if she goes off from the friend's house to go "on a walk" to meet up with a boy outside of the friend's house's street, that will be the last time she ever visits that friend's house. Yes, I GPS ping her randomly and then call and expect an answer.

You can't make them "not have a boyfriend at school", unless you're going to attend school with them. While she did not tell me she wants to kiss the boy, she did tell me about his existance and so far, she has never done half the things her friends do - mainly because she is on such a tight leash.

Most of her friends were talking to that "new boy" stranger on facebook a few months ago; none of those parents ever knew about it. After I scared the shit out of her about it, she went around and got her two best friends to delete the account and has been begging them to be more careful about whom the accept as a friend on facebook now.

Like I said, she is a stupid tween girl like all stupid tween girls, but she is a good kid and I will continue teaching her and monitoring her closely rather than just shutting down the home computer and her going off wild elsewhere.

As much as I hate the "kissy poo" texts - there is no nasty talk, only "I love Yhou" Yes, the spelling..and "I wanted to kiss you maybe" and "you are so pretty" or "Bye babyyy" yes the spelling. - Confronting her about reading those texts would not solve anything. They will just say that crap to each other at school. It will not fix anything taking the phone away for something so minor (no body-parts talk and no sex talk). NOw if I find even a HINT of Sexting or inappropriate sextalk or pics, damn straight the phone or computer would be removed for the rest of the year.

Can't just yank a device for saying stupid "kissypoo" stuff, its unrealistic, and then what leverage do you have if you confiscate everything right now without working on teaching and steering them?

cant win for losin's picture

i recently had a conversation with my cousin's kinda along these lines of raising teenagers. They have two boys older than my boy. We were talking about parenting, teenagers, etc....just good adult conversation. They have gone through the drug/rehab thing with their oldest and teenage pregnancy with the middle. My boy is 14 almost 15, and i have a tween girl.
I really feel, as sad as it is but there comes a point in the teenage years where there just really isn't much you can do. You can talk to them until they are blue in the face, provide strict rules, strict consequences, you can even lead by example, but the teenage years they are gonna "learn the hard way". They will find a way one way or another.

Really, what can you do?!

Clearly An Upgrade's picture

Can't Win....your statement is also true. They will do what they will do, and you can bet the second your back is turned they'll do something they've been repeatedly told NOT to. I suppose the biologically ingrained desire within teens to "buck the system" can be stronger than the voice inside their head telling them that they are doing wrong. Couple that with the "it'll NEVER happen to ME" invincible mentality, and it's amazing that any of us make it through those years alive, let alone marginally intact.

My point is only that as parents we can't be afraid of hurting fee fee's, or following through with consequences, when the bad behavior inevitably occurs. I can't understand walking on eggshells around my own kids, or "respecting privacy" when there is so much at stake. Our intuition as parents is usually fairly strong, and when our kids seem off or different, there's usually an underlying reason. Teens don't have a brain that is developed enough to comprehend the magnitude of what could happen to them when they engage in risky behaviors. Life is certainly a process of trial and error, and some lessons have to be learned the hard way. But I'm certainly not going to blindly provide the tools for my daughters to injure themselves emotionally or physically, nor will I hand them the rope to hang themselves, theoretically speaking. I'm in the know when it comes to what is going on with my kids because I make it my business, because it IS my business.

On that note, however, this balance becomes MUCH more difficult when dealing with a skid that has parents in competition to be the "favorite". Sh*t that would never usually fly in our home has been allowed at BM's because she wants to be favored. Damn me if I am ever in a position of ignoring my own moral compass just so my teenager likes me more than her dad. DH and I have an incredibly strong relationship with our daughters and a rock solid marriage, so I can't foresee a time when that will be an issue with our DD's. But no one ever knows what the future will bring, and I just pray that should things change in our union, that we love our kids more than we hate each other.