OT - Mental Health Monday
A big THANK YOU to everyone who reached out to me about losing my cousin to suicide. I cannot express how much it meant.
Saturday, I woke up in a foul mood. I didn't want to wake DH (who works late shift), so I left the house and went to my favorite coffee place (cardamom lattes are comfort 'food'!). As I was standing in line (drive-thru was packed), I could feel myself getting more tense and more irritated. Voices overlapping, a parent hushing her child, an excited greeting from one who hadn't seen the other in a long time... I felt like I was going to run out of there, screaming. Honestly, it was all I could do to walk out calmly and get into my car. There was so much traffic, that my left turn to go home wasn't happening and I was getting more irritated, so I turned right and DROVE. Got outside of town and, still driving, SCREAMED at the top of my lungs, and started crying. So hard, that I couldn't see to drive and had to pull over.
As I sat there, hiccupping through the sobs, I realized that I simply could not "people" this weekend. We were scheduled to attend an anniversary luncheon and the thought of going had me having a mental temper tantrum. Being around others, pasting on a smlle, and having to "people"... I couldn't do it.
And my phone rang. It was DH, asking where I was. Then asking if I was okay because he could tell I'd been crying. I told him how I felt and he said, "It's okay, baby. Let's just stay home. Text them, sorry, but you're stuck at work. It will be okay. Just come home." The weight that came off of me was YUGE. I didn't have to people! I could go home, lock myself away from the rest of the world, and spend time quietly with my favorite person.
Yes, I lied. No, I do not feel guilty. I didn't want to be sociable. I didn't want to force myself to be upbeat. I didn't want to talk about my cousin. I didn't want to hear the condolences. And there is nothing wrong with that.
There are times when you need to protect your peace; your energy.
It's okay to cancel a commitment.
It's okay to not answer that call.
It's okay to change your mind.
It's okay to want to be alone.
It's okay to take a day off.
It's okay to do nothing.
It's okay to speak up.
It's okay to let go.
It's okay to NOT be okay. (Thank you, Panther!)
But if you're feeling suicidal? TALK TO SOMEONE! My cousin left behind an inconsolable wife. A weeks-old son who will never know him. Grief-stricken parents. Distraught and baffled family and friends. All who have a thousand questions and no answers. Only a note that says, "I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry."
NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE