It's like a vortex of hate.
Since my SD17 left(see my previous posts) I have been slowly recovering and moving forward. I didn't fully realize exactly what toll the stress in the house was taking on everyone until she left and we all could start breathing again. The negative vortex was turning me into someone I could barely recognize anymore. My own 2 bios were completely stressed out and my younger sd was stressed.
For so long, I tried to get my DH to see that I basically had a target on my back whenever SD even so much as walked by me.His answer was always well youre the adult. My BD17 told me a couple of weeks ago that she didn't realize the full extent of it until she heard a conversation between sd and bm they were holding on speakerphone in which all they did was bash me. 2 peas in a pod. But in a way, it was a relief for someone, anyone, to finally see the hatred I have been dealing with for years. My self esteem is completely gone. I second guess every decision I make. These 2 (bm and sd) are completely bad news to say the least. Bm was an extreme PAS parent. And absolutely fucking nuts. And my guess is her daughter will be the exact same way as a parent. Even though she is now gone, she is STILL trying to create drama in our house. She sent my DH a text completely randomly in which she bashed me, told him she wasn't going to college and was going to become a famous dog trainer instead and that she wasn't going to contact him anymore. He told her that he loved her, wished her success , and hoped she someday learned to get rid of her hate. She likes to throw in the card "you chose her over me" all the time because that's what bm drilled into her. Whats ironic is that we always included her in things, tried to blend the family, but she always fought it 100 percent sooo actally she's the one who caused this rift and continues to cause it. I have never in my life dealt with someone like this except for BM. I just don't get the continued vendetta of trying to cause hate and discontent in a house she no longer even lives in.
I am wondering how much of this is genetic. I was very against blaming genetics for the way kids turn out because I, myself, am an adoptee who's bio family was a complete nightmare and I turned out well thanks to my adoptive family. But now I am thinking that was the wrong viewpoint. SD is a complete carbon copy of BM and no matter how my DH set SD up to be successful in life or to look at the bigger picture , she still ended up just like her. We worked so hard to blend this family. So it does feel like we failed. I completely hate the term blended family now, I feel like it should just be called surviving.
So my plan on moving forward is to continue working to rebuild my self esteem, have fun with my kids, and since we have a farm, keep pushing progress in that direction. I'm taking small steps in the direction of doing something nice for myself each day. I know this probably sounds stupid, but I bought some aromatherapy shower bombs that you hang in your shower and each day I use one. I take the time at night to read or to watch a movie, but I do find that movies really don't seem to do anything as far as self care goes. I'm just trying to do some small right now. I also downloaded the app "calm" and listen to it occasionally since they are only 5 or 10 minute relaxation sessions. I'm just wondering what other people do to slowly build their own esteem back up.