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BM blames me for SS12 failing school

amodernstepmom's picture

We get nasty messages from BM once in a while. Most messages from her are nasty, hateful rants, but we only receive them on occasion anymore. After celebrating with friends their pending new baby (friends who used to be BM’s friends but ended up only staying friends with DH), we received a message essentially blaming me for SS12’s inability to do schoolwork whether at home or in class. (We actually think someone told her we were at the baby shower she wasn’t invited to and maybe this triggered her desire to yell at DH.)

We waited on any more response than an acknowledgement that we read the message. And like she always does, BM lost her cool and slung some mud. Not only is she out of line blaming me – apparently I don’t punish the kids enough – but she’s incorrect; she seems to think the kids don’t have any consequences in our household and she believes every word out of SS12’s mouth when it comes to what goes on at dad’s house. Even though he lies about homework every single day, she’s grasping at his lies about our home to gain her sympathy. Does she really have no idea that SS12 wants her to think that DH & I let him do whatever he wants, and since he wants to be here anyways, that she’ll cave to the manipulation? 

Anyways, DH told her off. Reminded her that she’s the one responsible for most homework issues as she’s the custodial parent and has them 86% of the time during the school year. No nastygram back from her quite yet; she probably doesn’t know how to react to us seeing her game from a mile away. 



Monkeysee's picture

Well of course it’s your fault as the spouse of the NCP that the child doesn’t to his homework when he’s at school or with his mother. That’s a totally reasonable argument, didn’t you know what you were signing up for? LOL

This woman is nuts! Good on your DH for putting her in her place.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

He isn’t your child or responsibility. Block her number and social medias as she has no business contacting you. Let your DH deal with Biowh0re and you better find out who told Biowh0re where you were. That’s not okay. It is none of her business.

amodernstepmom's picture

She didn’t contact me directly. She yelled at DH through their parent messaging system. The one we can print conversations out frommsnd give to the courts if necessary. She’s not very bright 

Harry's picture

SS has a BM and BF, who had him, who supposed to take care of him.  But all bad things, like failing school is SM  falt. That sound about right. You have a big problem.  Why didnt DH say anything to BM ? It’s  Not your job to raise SS. 

amodernstepmom's picture

She made these claims on their parenting messaging software. He replied to her and stood his ground on the consequences the children face at our house with our rules. I think his reply was pretty good. 

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

"Anyways, DH told her off" 

And fell right into her trap! You are probably right when you say she knew about your plans. But then your DH joined her in the crazy by feeding into her delusions.

Ignore ignore ignore or it will never stop. People like this need an audience. They need feedback. When there is nothing given they stop. It may take a while but she will get the hint. 

Here we think of it like this - is the minute it took to read and respond to the message worth it? Could it be spent in a more enjoyable way? The answer is almost always yes and we move on.

And if the message is asking for a defense, simply document it with proof and file it for a later court date. No need to defend yourself to a crazy person. She isn't going to listen anyway and why do you care. 

Ignore ignore ignore :) 

amodernstepmom's picture

I usually agree with ignoring, but this was on their parent messaging software and it warranted a response. He stood his ground on our parenting decisions and called out her hypocrisy (she claimed I need to stand up and punish the kids the way her partner does, and then claimed that she is parenting the kids all alone). We have succeeded a lot in our recent strategy of matter-of-fact responses with little emotion and no room for her to manipulate. Just the fact that she hasn’t clapped back yet makes me think he made a perfect response. 


Aniki's picture

Why not a simple response of "This is inaccurate." and leave it at that? BM does NOT need to know what happens in YOUR home. Your house; your rules. None of her business.

amodernstepmom's picture

I let my DH handle it. I think he did a good job. She hasn't responded, there were no explicit details about how we manage our household, and there wasn't a lot she could argue with. I give him credit for knowing what she's like and being able to respond to her effectively. 

amodernstepmom's picture

Agreed. I definitely think it's best to limit responses and to not respond at all sometimes, but this one was particularly easy to call out. We've cut out emotional responses entirely and waited as long as a day to respond to her. It kills her, but we know she doesn't have the self control to wait like we do or to restrict the impulse to get off topic and emotional.

Aniki's picture

Good on you! While it is sooooo tempting to fire back, when you leave out the emotion, you take away their sick pleasure AND take more control of the situation. My DH rarely responds to BioHo and it makes her nuts!

strugglingSM's picture

BM told DH that SSs can’t do well in school because he told them that I got all As in school, so now they just feel bad. Apparently, feeling bad means that you don’t do homework. 

One SS now has an F and two Ds (although one may have been “adjusted” to a C). This SS has never handed in homework (other than the one term where DH and I called him every day to work on homework), regularly fools around in class, and is rude to teachers, but of course, he only gets bad grades because he feels bad because DH told him I got all As. 

We now don’t talk to SS about his grades because if we do he cries and calls BM to say he wants to come home. He’s almost in high school. 

In BM’s world, nothing is ever either SSs fault. They are perfect angels. Society is just conspiring against them at every turn.

amodernstepmom's picture

I'm not sure which situation is difficult; the BM being too hard on the kids or the BM being too soft. I almost think being too soft is worse, but that's part of the culture I was brought up in.

Sorry she's spoiled any chance you have at SS learning accountability. BM in our case does not know how to hold herself accountable, but she has yet to pass that on to the kids. We're worried her example is bad enough.

ndc's picture

She's the custodial parent and has him 86% of the time during the school year?  And she's blaming YOU for his failures?  That's rich.  Obviously she is either delusional or really really stupid.  In either event, her messages require no response.  Move on.

amodernstepmom's picture

I'm usually with you on ignoring. DH's response has not gotten any counter response, yet. He stuck to the facts and reinforced boundaries.

After reading all the responses to my blog post and what various friends have had to say, we're probably going to be silent on any counter responses. She is absolutely a mix of delusional and stupid. 

Just J's picture

It is TOTALLY because you went to the shower of her former friends!

years ago when my stepkids were 10 and 14, we were hanging out with a couple that DH and BM were friends with. Their kids grew up with my stepkids so it was fun for everyone and the couple was nice and always told me how much better they liked me than BM (yes petty, but they told me, I did not ask!). Obviously one of the kids mentioned to BM that we were at their house, and SD had a stomach ache or something Monday morning after DH's weekend, and DH got a pissy email from BM that said SD being sick was all his fault and maybe if we hadn't been out so late at that couple's house, maybe she wouldn't be sick. It was so ridiculous and it was SO OBVIOUS she was jealous. DH emailed her back something snarky about how maybe they're just not used to good cooking since we'd cook all weekend and all they ever ate was frozen microwave crap at her house. 


God I'm glad those days of pettiness are long behind us! 

amodernstepmom's picture

Yeah, we think someone tipped her off (we know exactly who, someone who was avoiding us at the shower). I also had unsolicited "we like you better than the ex" comments the whole time. We are certain she's still bitter.

Jcksjj's picture

Send her that stupid article that was all over Facebook awhile ago about how intelligence comes from the mother lol. Jk....but honestly I wouldnt even respond to that period. She enjoys getting a reaction I'm sure, any reaction. And if shes generally high conflict look up parallel parenting and see if you think those guidelines might work for you. It's the only thing that got BM to eventually stop acting like a lunatic in a similar manner for us.

amodernstepmom's picture

Although usually we have been limiting responses to her, we responded to this one. DH stood his ground and made sure to enforce boundaries that we are in charge of her household and she is not. 

She will continue to blame us, I’m sure, but the teachers have met us and know she’s manipulating everyone who will listen to her (they’ve documented her lying to them and not listing DH as the father for one kid, telling counselors for the other kid that DH is not involved). But now that we have given her this boundary, we can refer to it at any time. 

amodernstepmom's picture

She used to be. We've really learned how to combat her emotional outbursts with facts and reason.

amodernstepmom's picture

Good question. I anticipate she'll find some other recourse. We think she's unable to afford legal options, then again tax season is upon us so she's probably got a refund burning a hole in her pocket. Right now we kind of have her bullshit documented and now we've got to start working on talking to teachers and counselors about her campaign to get us excluded from the kids' educational plans. 

We're also working on a plan to get more custody of them, however it's going to be a while. Financially and logistically, we've got to stick to our course and it's going to be probably a year before we can pursue changes in custody.