You are here

It's the petty things (aka BM is a verifiable piece of shit)

amodernstepmom's picture

DH asked BM about keeping the kids for President's Day. BM is notorious for not talking to us about holidays, but we asked if we could keep the kids the extra day. She told us that they actually have Friday (tomorrow) off, too, but didn't mention us getting the kids early. It must have dawned on her that we could in theory take the kids – we're not getting much of a Valentine's Day as DH is working – because she asked last minute if she could drop them off tonight and we could pick take them home after our weekend.

Unfortunately, we're not prepared to take the kids right now. And we're not going to take the kids just because she wants us to. While we would love to have them for a little more time, she's going to have to face the fact that she spitefully never talks about school holidays (when she could give us the opportunity to have the kids more – probably because she's wanting to make sure our custody percentage drops) and that we can't just drop our plans to take the kids. 

He didn't give her an explanation or leave her room to bargain. 

Yet she responded that she won't let us have the kids on the holiday. She doesn't care that it means DH will have less time with the kids. She's retaliating because we aren't bending to her will.

Here we let her take the kids for Thanksgiving, against the parenting agreement, to see their dying grandfather and great-grandmother (who's also dying). We should never have been the bigger people in that, because we also took them for longer during the Christmas break – against the parenting agreement, and to her benefit. We didn't exactly lose out, though; we got the kids for more time than we would have and nobody had to pay more for childcare. But what we did lose was holding her accountable to the parenting agreement.

Now she's using the parenting agreement against us. And we'll have to go to a lawyer to use the parenting agreement against her, because she is not providing us insurance information, doctor's information, or including us in school matters no matter how much we communicate with the school.

Can someone please reassure me that these kinds of people burn in hell? 


tog redux's picture

I'd like to assure you of that, but no, they don't - in fact, they often thrive.

I'm confused - DH asked for Monday, and BM said no, but he can take today, but DH can't take today? (Genuinely confused).

I recently had a flashback to when BM in our situation would offer DH extra time and then make sure something happened that he didn't get it - while he waited for SS to come over, she would have a delay, or they are stuck in traffic, or whatever, and he'd never get there.  It was such a blatant power play that DH just stopped accepting any extra time.

BMs like this need to be in control and they love the power.  Stop asking for extra time, and don't give her any extra unless you feel it's important (dying grandparents are important).

amodernstepmom's picture

On Thursday, DH asked for Monday but after saying DH could have it, she asked DH to also take them Thursday/ the same night (basically with an hour’s warning). DH has a non traditional work schedule. He doesn’t really have weekends and he can get scheduled at the last minute. He went in to work at 4pm Thursday, 6am this morning (Friday) and has no idea when he’s off today. We simply didn’t have time to get the house together for the kids and I had a lot I needed to get done myself. 

thinkthrice's picture

Stick to the parenting agreement at all times.  Assuredly your genorosity with the BM will NOT be returned.  In fact, it infuriates the BM when you "take the high road" (TM) and emboldens them to break other boundaries. 

amodernstepmom's picture

Yes there is. We often ask for holidays where BM would otherwise be taking one child to childcare and leaving the other at home. 

strugglingSM's picture

For some BMs, the parenting plan is only viewed as a tool to threaten their ex with, it’s not meant for them to follow.

Our BM does the same thing - always offering up time when she wants to get rid of the kids, but if DH ever asks for extra time he has to promise to give her whatever she wants for the next year, just because she has been “so accommodating” to him, in her opinion. In her mind, she is the “mother of DH’s children” and he should treat her with the appropriate deference. In her mind, this gives her the power to decide where and when her children will be at all times, even though they have another parent who should have just as much say. Our society, with its “mother knows best” and “mother as poor martyr who cares for everyone but herself” narrative totally feeds into this view, reinforcing every GUBM’s view that she is the sun around which everything revolves.