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Vent: BM dropping off early and roaming the neighborhood

unluckytwin's picture

Just a vent.

We have 50/50. SD10 gets dropped off at school Monday morning by one parent and picked up at school Monday afternoon by the other parent, with whom she will spend her week. (And don't I just love summer, as now the pickups and dropoffs happen directly with BM. ) On Thursday nights, she spends 5-9pm with the opposite parent. The parent who has dinner with her that night brings her back to the other parent's house where she is spending the week.

BM doesn't have a car. For a long time, SO would pick SD up at BM's house on BM's Thursday nights. I treasure those four hours we get alone that night as a break in the skid week, and I hated losing 20 mins with him when he went to pick her up. I finally pointed to the separation agreement and said "Look, it says here that it is the job of whoever has her, to return her. It is BM's job to get her back here at 9:00 on Thursday night. Tell her to find her own transportation to do it." BM put up a small fight ("I should have a car in the next 60 days"--that was 8 months ago) but she has borrowed cars, taken cabs, and walked here (she lives, IDK, probably no more than 2 miles away).

The last, like, 5 dropoffs, she has come early. Dropping the kid off at 8:50. Making excuses like "I didn't know how long the cab would take." It's reasonable enough, and early is probably better than late in terms of sticking to the agreement, but I think she knows that she is shaving off juuuust enough time between me and SO that it's almost worth it for him to just go back to picking SD up from BM's house.

Last night at 8:30 SO and I went for a short walk around our neighborhood, as we often do. I'm talking our actual subdivision of townhouses, where no one walks unless they live here. We round a corner back toward the main entrance at 8:40 and who do we see but BM and SD walking up. She was going to drop the kid TWENTY minutes early. SO looked at her and said, "8:40?" and BM said "I didn't know how long it'd take to walk here." Bullshit, you've done it before. SO, not wanting to reject his kid, said "well, I guess you can just come in with us now." BM played it off like they'd planned to just walk around the neighborhood for 20 minutes. I went in and closed the blinds at the back of our house so she wouldn't be peeping in at all our shit on her oh-so-innocent "walk." The whole last 20 minutes was lost to just waiting for them to ring the doorbell. We could have gotten our groove on otherwise, if you know what I mean.

I hate that she comes early. I hate that she always has some "plausible" reason to be early, when really I think she knows she's shaving off the same amount of time every Thursday that SO would have spent driving to pick the kid up. And now I hate that she's roaming around our fucking neighborhood and that if we ever go on a walk again on a Thursday night, I will dread just bumping into her 20 minutes early. Ugh. Petty? I don't care. I get that we're relatively lucky that this is basically the little crap we have to deal with, but it's annoying.

Secondary vent: when BM finally DOES ring the doorbell, the moment SO opens it, BM starts bragging all over the place that skid got good scores on her end-of-grade tests. I couldn't help it and yelled from the kitchen (the next floor up) "why don't you let the KID tell her father that?" As skid climbed the stairs once she came in, she said she tried to tell him herself, but BM beat her to it. What a bitch to make it all about yourself and rob the kid of the opportunity to tell her father good news. Was BM the one taking the test?! It's like she always wants to find something to talk to SO about. I told him from now on, I'd go with him to open the door, and since he doesn't want to be "rude" to BM in front of the kid (I think it's RUDE to spoil someone else's good news for them), I will be happy to make clear myself that we have NOTHING to talk to BM herself about. Argh.

hereiam's picture

Dropping the kid off at 8:50.

Seriously? The BM over here was like this, bitching a fit if DH (who is always early, everywhere he goes) was even 5 minutes early. It was ridiculous.

DH and I like being together, also, but 10 minutes? My DH did all pick ups and drop offs, sometimes I went with, sometimes not.

I hated losing 20 mins with him when he went to pick her up.

That's just life with a man who has a kid.

You could go with your DH and use that time to chat. Otherwise, if 10 or 20 minutes makes that big of a difference in your relationship, well, I don't know what to tell you.

AllySkoo's picture

Yeah, I sort of agree with Step. It's not like she's dropping her off THAT early, and honestly, it seems sort of.... self-involved?.... to assume that it MUST be because she's always thinking of you. Unless you're dealing with a weird crazy stalker lady (like cornflakes) then I think you're reaching here.

As for the test scores thing, I think you should stay out of it. It wasn't your conversation, kid, test, or parents. You were out of line to say anything at the time, and you're out of line to try and insert yourself next time.

momandmore's picture

Ok so I'm not trying to be mean, I don't know your story but what if BM was late with the child? Would you be mad about that too?

Willow2010's picture

I hated losing 20 mins with him when he went to pick her up
Sorry but.... :sick: . You must be a newlywed right? lol

Yea...if this bothers you this much, you are going to be a raving lunatic when the real step issues start. Just try to chill on this.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Geez woman, you run a really tight ship when 15 to 20 minutes has you pissed. I can see if maybe you were trying to leave to get to a funeral, wedding, or some type of important appointment for you to lose your shit over someone being on time or late but you must be new to this life if you are going to allow little shit to get you.

misSTEP's picture

I would much rather lose the time with my DH and have him do the driving rather than have BM at MY house!! That place is MINE!

Emily1984's picture

Ditto. When DH is dropping the kids off I can relax. I used to go with him but it was just uncomfortable and it's my new policy not to put myself in uncomfortable situations if they are avoidable.

BM wouldn't dream of dropping the kids off with us anyway. DH does the legwork. It's one of many clauses in the 'you left me so you must pay for eternity' agreement Wink

Snowflake's picture

Are you kidding me? She is pretty much on time minus 20 freaking minutes, taking cabs or walking to get there?? Sounds like she is being more than accomidating. She isn't switching times or being a bitch about it. Wow.

20 minutes. I love my husband, but 20 minutes of not being with him wouldn't kill me. Sounds like you may have some control issues.

Disneyfan's picture

Dad doing all of the driving. PROBLEM
Mom dropping the kid off a little early.PROBLEM
Mom walking down a public street.PROBLEM

You have to be kidding.

Raggles's picture

I dont understand if its ur 50/50 week why on earth does sd spend the evening at other parents house.
Makes no sense to me and just maintains contact for all involved.

Oh Margie's picture

Honestly, I can understand how it is when something gets stuck in your craw and pretty soon it's all you notice. It's like once it's on your radar it just makes you instantly furious, I've been there.

But honestly,you are letting BM into your head way too much. Try not to give a shit, and if it helps you out, keep in mind how much worse it could be. When I was with my ex SO this exact situation (SO pointing out to BM that she needed to drop off) would have led to email after email after Email after ALL CAPS EMAIL with extra EXCLAMATION POINTS about what a controlling asshole he was and very likely would have culminated with a screaming match in front of the poor skids in the front yard or, even possibly in court, where BM would suddenly become a trembling little waif who needs protection against the big old bully SO.

Yes that was a major run-on sentence Smile

Ex SO probably would have ended up not only doing the driving but paying BM a gas allowance as well.

10 minutes? meh. fuck it, live your life.

ocs's picture

I get it about BM pissing you off. But try to let it slide off your back.

I had a similar situation... BM doesn't drive, no license even. DH has always done drop offs and pickups, and at one point, BM got a .... wait for it.... wait.... a job! (gasp!!) She informed DH that he'd have to pick up SD every Saturday at 8am... until he could drop her back at 1pm... LOL! riiiiight.

In any event, DH said he'd gladly hang out with SD every Saturday, but BM had to drop her off. (Job was near our house) turned into WW3 with SD not coming over for about 6 weeks.

learningallthetime's picture

In my state, the standard guidelines have it written in that 15 minutes either side of the given time is fine, 30 minutes beyond a certain distance. You are getting bent out of shape over something ridiculous. My ex and I live 25 minutes drive from each other (on a good day), pick ups are 6pm. He has called before at 5pm and said "in your area, mind if I swing by?", I try and accommodate, although may be a "sure, but he has not eaten yet". I used to work 35 miles from exes, so would just call when I was leaving (an RN, so not always a predictable time), sometimes I would get there and they were in the midst of something, and I would sit in my car 20 minutes. Would it annoy me? Yes, but was it worth an argument? No. Equally, ex is not reliable at all, he has been 7 hours late on a pick up! When I called he was on his way, for 7 hours (note the distance and times above!). I never said anything. Instead, if he was beyond 30 minutes late, I would do my own thing - so he arrived after 45 minutes? "oh sorry, we went out". He shaped up quick.

You really are complaining about nothing, and your life is going to be very hard if you are this much of a control freak.

unluckytwin's picture

You know, I didn't ask for advice, this wasn't even one of those "am I wrong?!" threads (where of course OP wants to be told she is not wrong), and I conceded in the very post that we are lucky this is the kind of petty thing we deal with. When did this stop becoming a place to vent unless the matter you're venting about is super duper uber serious? It's not like I post in here 10 times a day; just wanted a few minutes to talk about something that is a little annoying. Thanks, everyone, for treating me like a crazy control freak who obsesses over this issue on the forum nonstop and can't stand anything besides on-the-dot arrivals ever. Your reactions would be much more fitting if I was like that. A little "yeah, it sucks when you're in the middle of something and BM arrives 20 minutes early" wouldn't have killed anyone. Next time, I'll wait to post until SD is a knocked-up, drug-abusing teenager who wrecks a new car while BM gets fat on McDonald's and collects unemployment while posting a million pics of my SO on her Facebook page.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Meow.....kitty did not get her milk today.

And as a small vent...stay out of the parents conversation. She will be on here soon vent about a step mom yelling at her from the kitchen.

WTF...REALLY's picture