Tsunami of Emotions
Everyday is a whirlwind of different emotions. One day everything is perfect and the next is a disaster. I've been with my DH for 4 years now and I've acted as a full time mother to his 2 daughters from his previous marriage. BM sees the girls when it's convenient for her and not when she's supposed to by court order. I've looked up requirements to adopt your stepchildren in my state and we have the upper hand on all grounds. I can adopt both SD's on the grounds of BM being unfit, inadequate housing for the girls (she lives in a shed on her in-laws junked up property and the main house is a 2 or 3 bedroom 1 bath run down trailer that 4 adults and 1 child live in. So 6 adults and 2 children live on a property consisting of a shed and a cluttered run down trailer). She doesn't maintain a substantial contact relationship with the girls and can't even get them overnight like she's supposed to because the only place she has for them to sleep is a crib mattress toddler bed in the middle of a cluttered living room that is crawling with roaches and smells like urine and cigarettes. A 7 and 4 year old cannot sleep crammed together like that. I've brought all this to DH attention last night and he just dismissed it and said let BM burn her own bridges. Like I'm supposed to sit back and watch this narcissistic, lying, cheating and manipulative POS hurt the 2 girls I've raised since they were 3 years and the other 7months just so "she burns her own bridges and I can prove to the girls that I'll be the mom they need and can depend on.". DH is convinced it'll cause more problems by me trying to adopt them and won't even try to put BM in her place. He "lets her think she pulls the strings so she won't cause any trouble and it's all part of his plan". I've entertained the idea of disengaging from SD's or even just leaving the relationship, but then I feel guilty because BM left them (didn't even try fighting for them in the divorce), and I don't want them to grow up thinking no one wants them or loves them. Plus I love my DH very much but I can't keep feeling like I'm the only one putting all I have into raising the kids. Lastly me and DH have a 2 yo son together and I don't want him growing up having the same problems the girls are having with parents and stepparents. Most days I'm happy where I'm at (even though it's a struggle) and other days I feel trapped. I feel so much older than I am from exerting so much energy raising 3 kids and constantly dealing with SD7's attitude and lying. She's growing to be more and more like BM and I can't stand it! She lies constantly about her grades, behavior at school/when I'm not around, and even stupid stuff like when she told me she didn't step in spilled water when I obviously saw her step in it and her take her wet socks off! I was like "seriously?! You'll even lie about that?!" She's also went so far as to tell DH I've hit her on the head/face when the most I've ever done was a light pop to her bottom for continuing to misbehave after many warnings to stop and even a time out (I have nerve damage and muscle weakness in both hands and arms so I can't even hold my 2 year old for very long without my arms giving out and I can't even move my hands/arms very fast to even get the momentum for an effective spanking). I'm furious I let myself get wrapped up in this circus but I know if I didn't I wouldn't have my baby boy. And like I said, I also love my DH very much. I feel like if BM would just go away, our lives MIGHT get better.
later I'll rant about my MIL and my issues with her. WARNING: You may need therapy after reading that entry.