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What to do when bio mom emotionally hurts the kids

Alapheria's picture

My husband has custody of his 2 girls from his previous marriage. Bio mom is to get the girls every other weekend from 9am Saturday to 6pm Sunday and does not pay child support (not ordered to due to agreement between my husband and her). That's not the problem. She has shortened her weekend visits to 9am to 4pm Saturday's with no overnights. Then she's cancelled several times because "she has to work that day" and turns out, she's taking her son with her new hubby to birthday parties, fairs and events but doesn't want to deal with the girls. Now she's cancelled for the past month and a half. The oldest girl (7) doesn't want to go to her bio moms anymore because she keeps letting them down, doesn't always make sure they're fed when they're with her and she's mean to them sometimes. The youngest girl (4) agrees and cries when they have to go over there. I'm doing all I can to make sure the girls feel loved and wanted but I don't know what to say when they tell me they don't want to go to their bio mom's anymore. Anyone else dealing with this?


SteppedOut's picture

It sounds like you really love the girls, are you contemplating adopting them? It doesn't sound like "mom" is really interested in being a mom to them...


Alapheria's picture

I'd really love to but we can't afford the court fees and BM won't willingly sign them over purely out of spite and will probably take us to court over it. We can prove her an unfit mother with inadequate living arrangements for the kids which allows adoption but again, can't afford legal fees.

SteppedOut's picture

Sorry... that really stinks. She doesn't want them, but doesn't want anyone else to "be mom" either. 

Perhaps if you pursued child support she might change her tune?

Alapheria's picture

That might be a great idea. She doesn't financially support the girls in any way (not even dr or hospital visits). When she does buy things for the girls, it's either clearance clothes that not even a clown would wear or school supplies (paper, pencils) that we've already bought them. All the big expensive and nice things are bought for her son she had with her new husband and the girls are sometimes allowed to play with it but not for long because it's not theirs. Maybe if we told her that if she doesn't keep to the divorce agreement for seeing the girls and keeps causing them so much distress, then we'll order she pays child support. Maybe that will either clean her up or clear her out

bananaseedo's picture

Since custody time has changed, time to change the CS arrangement.  And you won't need a lawyer for that I would think.  Make her responsible for something-sometimes they involve themselves more w/their kids when their is 'skin in the game' if that makes sense.

Alapheria's picture

I'll have to discuss this with DH. We're tired of dealing with her nonsense and something needs to change. She doesn't realize that her little stunts not only affect me and DH but also the girls. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Is your DH documenting the length of her visits? Keeping a detailed calendar will prove useful if/when  he has to go to court.

Alapheria's picture

We even have texts showing her cancelling and shortening times

CLove's picture

All you can realy do is be there for them and let them know that they are important and loved.

When SD13 used to sob on my shoulder about her mother paying more attention to her phone and her dudes, or when she was upset about watching th bm and her bf fight, or any other countless times, I was just THERE. We are close, but that will always be their mother, esp as they get the get more independant she might turn around and spend more time because its then become easier.

Our BM would leave her kids for weeks at a time pursuing different dudes. She doesnt really take munchkin sd13 anywhere or spend time with her. I spend a LOT of quality time and buy her things that she needs...I or her father. The eldest is no contact currently and they are bff's, and neither of them work. the sd20 doesnt attend college classes, just a nothing goin nowhere.

Those kids need a mother during time and you are it.

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

I am. My SD only sees her BM a handful of times per year (she lives in another state) and she doesn't pay any child support (she never has). I've been around as a mother figure since SD was a toddler. Over the years, the BM has pulled a lot of crap... but SD doesn't react to things in a normal way. If she could actually feel something, I think that BMs antics would seriously hurt her. Now that she's reaching the pre-teens, she just laughs about it and makes fun of BM... which is better than her crying, I suppose.

We have taken BM to court a few times (with screen shots of messages proving she is a heartless, selfish loser who doesn't always show up to see her kid) and they truly don't care. BM cries and puts on a show and the judge or mediator brush it off and patiently say, "Mom, don't do that again, okay?" Lol

Just take good care of them and be there for them since their BM isn't. But don't fully invest your heart... love them, but take care of yourself, too. Do the best you can, but don't put too much pressure on yourself. Trust me, you don't want to end up worn out, fed up, and beyond irritated after years and years of taking care of someone else's kid(s) when they don't even want to do it themselves! It's exhausting.

Alapheria's picture

I can't even think of myself while I have 2 SDs and my bio son to raise. It aggravated me that I don't even try to put myself first for anything. Even just a break from dealing with kids. I'm a stay at home mom so I am around the kids from the moment I wake up until I finally fall asleep. The longest I get to myself is when I run out for 5 mins to the store down the street once a week or so after DH gets home or the glorious bathroom breaks when I just sit on the toilet scrolling Facebook but even that's disturbed by "mom! Brother's biting me! Mom! Sissy took a toy from brother and now he won't stop crying and hitting her!" (He's 2. They hit at this age and I'm trying to break him of that) 

NotSoStepStepmom's picture

At first, it was easier. She really wanted a mom and we bonded very quickly... but now that attitude is starting to come out, and her personality is developing into something that isn't very likable, it's gotten a lot harder.

I know what you mean about getting a break (and I'm not even a SAHM like you)! Even though your SDs' BM doesn't seem to take good care of them, you have to take advantage of the rare times that they are with her... spend time with your own kid, relax, hit the reset button, breathe. The courts don't care about BMs "being mean" or not showing up... so you have to learn to live with that because it's out of your control.

It is a lot of work being the "main mom" for kids that aren't really yours. Be kind to yourself.

Alapheria's picture

I spend all day everyday with my son and he is no doubt a momma's boy. When those little hands grab my face and he smiles and gives me kisses, all my stress melts away. I just never have time for things I used to enjoy. I don't play music anymore, no longer draw or paint, and since I'm having medical problems, I can't do my MMA training anymore.

shamds's picture

They often neglec the kids with the ex, worry about their new prized family.

my husbands ex wife married days after divorce was official but claimed in court she was so distraught and traumatized by the divorce and claimed to friends she was a poor single mum (was sitting on over a million dollars she stole from hubby, even illegally accessing his bank acct).

she’d rather fake the poor me pity me card for attention sake rather than make sure her kids are taken care of.

now she has tossed her kids to the side and looks after her current hubbys kids (he divorced his exwife to marry hubbys exwife)

Alapheria's picture

Sounds like your his ex and my hubby's ex might be related! Lmao