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What to do when bio mom keeps emotionally hurting the kids

Alapheria's picture

My husband has custody of his 2 girls from his previous marriage. Bio mom is to get the girls every other weekend from 9am Saturday to 6pm Sunday and does not pay child support (not ordered to due to agreement between my husband and her). That's not the problem. She has shortened her weekend visits to 9am to 4pm Saturday's with no overnights. Then she's cancelled several times because "she has to work that day" and turns out, she's taking her son with her new hubby to birthday parties, fairs and events but doesn't want to deal with the girls. Now she's cancelled for the past month and a half. The oldest girl (7) doesn't want to go to her bio moms anymore because she keeps letting them down, doesn't always make sure they're fed when they're with her and she's mean to them sometimes. The youngest girl (4) agrees and cries when they have to go over there. I'm doing all I can to make sure the girls feel loved and wanted but I don't know what to say when they tell me they don't want to go to their bio mom's anymore. Anyone else dealing with this?

Alapheria's picture

But the feedback I've gotten is mixed between, go to court and you have no real leg to stand on even with evidence because she's still their mom

Wnc2ak's picture

Honestly, this may be my particular state and county where they are very adamant that both parents are involved (it may be different where you are). The best thing to do is speak with a seasoned family court lawyer to get a consultation then ask for the "no bs" percentage of it going somewhere.

still learning's picture

You can't force a parent to care or take all of their visitation.  All you can really do is make them pay CS, even then you'll usually have to pay thousands to start that process. I'm dealing with a similar issue with exH. He chooses to see his son 1x a month for a few hours with no overnights and this isn't even consistent.  If I ask about the weekend he was supposed to take bio or the camping trip he promised, then I'm accused of stirring up drama.  

Some parents just don't care. It's a sad reality, but you can't bar the bio parent from seeing the kids or stop sending them.  The kids can have more of a say when they're older but for now your DH legally has to send them.  

Alapheria's picture

It still breaks my heart seeing disappointment drain their little eyes of light then the oldest starts saying things that makes it seem like she's shutting down all emotions just to not feel upset and hurt

still learning's picture

I know it's hard to see a child hurt but this is their reality and you can't change that or be their replacement mother. They have a mom and unfortunately she kinda sucks. Dad needs to talk with BM about the situation, how the girls are disappointed and talk to the girls.  Maybe times can be adjusted so they're still spending the same amount of time with her but on different days or makeup during holidays or summer.  Ideally COD's will have a great relationship with both parents but this rarely happens. Kids usually become closer to one parent than another and sometimes parents become distant.  

I got my kids into sports to help them burn excess energy and focus on something besides family drama.  If the girls have something else to look forward to it may help.  

Rags's picture

This is a difficult and infuriating situation for a caring SParent married to a carring BioParent.  We struggled with it for years when SS-27 was a toddler.  The SpermClan would neglect him to a criminal level.  He would leave our home for SpermLand visitation mostly toilet trained and a clean happy conversant little boy. He would come home nasty dirty, wearing a loaded soaked diaper that likely hadn't been changed in a day or more, with BO that would gag a maggot, half inch long finger and toe nails, diaper rash so bad that his anus was raw and bleeding, with puss filled welts all over his butt cheeks, with black sludge on the inside of his elbows, behind his knees, around his waist and around his neck with florescent yellow teeth, non verbal and miserable.

We started taking him straight to his pediatrician when we picked him up from the airport after SpermLand visitation to get him inspected and an official record of how horribly nasty he was after visitation.  We photographed it all.

We attempted to nail their asses in court for their neglect of SS on visitation only to hear the moron in the black Harry Potter robes wielding the Fischer Price wooden hammer tell us "Any child would be blessed to have the love and support of this wonderful family."


Bad            Bad            Bad


If I could have sued that idiot Judge, I would have dragged his ass to court until either he, I or both of us were bankrupt.

Sadly if your situation pans out like ours did, it isn't likely that you will get a Judge who is worth a shit who will nail BM's neglectful abusive ass to the wall.

What we did do was learn the CO backwards, forwards, inside out and upside down.  We researched the supplemental county rules. the state regualtions for SpermLand and our state and we kept a copy of it ll at my office, at my DW's office, and in our home office and any time the SpermGrandHag would start her crap we would roll it up and beat the snot out of her with it clearly outlining that if they did not get in line immediately we would own their asses either in SpermLand courts or our own state courts. If they so much as twitched out of compliance we nailed them with every legal, financial and social consequence we could bring to bear.  Eventually they learned to avoid the pain.... for the most part.  We also kept SS completely abreast of the comprehensive facts of the entire situation in an age appropriate manner.  As he grew up he used the facts to protect himself from their toxic manipulative crap.  As an adult, he chews them up and spits them out on a regular basis when they pull their crap with him. Fortuantely, his most recent visit with them was positive.  Though none of us are holding our breath that this is the new normal for that shallow and polluted gene pool.

Good luck.