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What do I do?!

Alapheria's picture

In my past 2 blogs, I've explain most of the crap I deal with with my DH, SDs and their BM. A few people have told me to leave because the situation I'm in is toxic for me and my son (my bio son with DH). I know I'll feel guilt for leaving SDs and I'll be heartbroken from all the love and effort I've put into raising them as my own. And I love my DH very much. I just can't stand raising 2 kids that aren't mine, dealing with their disrespect, dealing with their BM drama, DH's lack of support when it comes to taking care of his girls (discipline, school work, etc...) and my DH not putting BM in her place when it comes to the girls. I don't want my son to grow up having parents and stepparents issues, but I can't keep pretending to be happy for the sake of everyone else. I feel like I truly love the girls, but at times when I look at them, I feel anger and resentment


Harry's picture

why stay.  Because you love DH and SD what does that mean.?  They are not loving you back.  What ever you did or do makes no difference to them.  Just a cooking, cleaning, bed warmer ATM.   What better then that ?

Alapheria's picture

I'm gonna make one last attempt to get things to change, document it and if nothing changes and there's nothing but empty promises, I can show I tried to work it out but it was one sided

tog redux's picture

I think the only way you can stay is if DH steps up and begins to parent his own kids instead of leaving it all to you. It's fine that you want to help with it, but in no way should it be YOUR primary parenting responsibility. And that includes discipline and handling ALL matters pertaining to BM and her visits. 

Don't resent the kids, resent HIM. You may be willing to be primary parent for your own kids, many women are - but you should not have to be for his and BM's kids. 

DarkStar's picture

And as much as you have done for the girls, it is very possible, even probable, that they will turn on you in a hot minute when they become teenagers to go live with BM. You can't fight that. She sucks, but she's the MOM. YOU are not MOM. The sooner you can accept that, the sooner you will find peace with whatever decision you make.

ESMOD's picture

Yep.. I think it's a bit of a fantasy that you could "adopt" the girls.. get BM out of your lives and go on to live happily ever after.

But.. your DH doesn't support that.  He won't magically become a better parent because his EX is no longer a factor.  In fact... he may feel inclined to think his girls do benefit from his children knowing their mother..even if he doesn't say that outright to you.

His EX.. sounds fairly uninvolved to be honest.. she takes the girls for brief periods of time.. She doesn't do much for them or with them.. and when they are with her.. she isn't the most responsible parent.. and certainly isn't caring for them as YOU would like.  But.. she IS the MOTHER.. and she could magically become a much more "with it" person and be in a better place and want her girls more.  She may think her minimal involvement is the better choice since she doesnt have a great place for them.

Don't mistake her actions as an indication that she doesn't love or care for her girls.. becase she likely does.. but that there are obstacles in her life that prevent her from being an effective parent.

Your DH seems checked out on the parenting dept...

So.. if you stay, I believe you will be expected to parent all the kids.  Not sure if you work or not.. if you have been staying home.. that expectation is probably fairly reasonable.. or at least understandable.  If you also work FT.. then he is being ridiculous to saddle you with 3 kids on top of other responsibilities.

I don't know whether this is something that could be improved with counseling.. I don't know if you can disengage your emotions enough to not be so emotionally distraught over the SD's situation with their BM. 

but it's clear that what is likely to not happen is that BM disappears.. and so she will have some impact on your life if you remain with your DH.. unfortunately.. she will likely still have some impact since you are now tied to your DH through a child.

Lollybobs's picture

I get that you love everybody involved and that you don't want to leave. It's not really working for you how it is though, so something has to change. Now, on one hand you say you can't stand raising 2 kids that aren't yours but on the other you say you'd like to adopt them.

If - and it's a big if - circumstances allow you to adopt them, is this what you really want? Because that would make it much harder for you to walk away. The behaviour that is driving you crazy would still be there, as would DH's lack of parenting skills. 

On the other hand, adoption might work really well. You would then be their 'real' mommy and as such, have every right to instill the behaviour that you find acceptable in the same way that you do with your son. There would be no more visits to BM, which sound as if they really unsettle the girls. Not every child is better off with a biological parent and not every biological parent deserves contact with tiheir children. In later years, a stroppy teenager might try to move from one parent's home to the other when things aren't going their way but you don't hear of that happening with adopted parents...they're yours for keeps. 

But either way, DH needs to step up to the parenting mark big style. Maybe counselling would help you both to explore the adoption route and his parenting role. Currently, he is doing very little because you are doing it all for him. If he isn't willing to change this, that would be the point when you probably do need to accept  that you and your son would be better elsewhere.