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Feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated

Rugman's picture

Hello all, I'm glad to see im not the only one struggling. So here goes.... Time to vent.

The problem: Lazy step children ages 11, 18, 20, 21. Their mother who's just about as lazy. I work 90+ hrs a week and just about every day i come home to a filthy stinky home. With plates with food on them on the couches, on the floor by the couch... Snack wrappers and cups on the floor, end tables have junk stacked on them... Socks and shoes on the living room floor. Near the front door nearly 10 pairs of shoes just piled up... Full garbage bags by the door or near the kitchen.

The single lounge chair has clutter piled up on top and flows over to the floor around it. 

The dining room table has plates with food, cups galore, trash, grocery bags you name it.

The kitchen:

is a disaster. Crud on the floor dishes piled up with food, trash bin has trash piled way up and falling to sides. Stove has dirty pots and pans that need to be washed. Pantry is cluttered mess. Counter tops have hardly any space to place even a plate or cup.

Kids rooms:

Daughter and youngest are actually semi organized and clean... Hardly any complaints there.

The older boys have trash clothes covering every square inch of the floor.... It stinks... Like... Teenager in that room. It's just horrible.

Their bathroom:

Is something out of a horror movie... That is all.

Our room.

My area is very organized, dusted, clean and well kept. No clutter, if i don't use it i put it up... Simple.

Her area.... CLUTTER... Talking just stuff piled on top of stuff. There's a pathway though, where i can make it to the master restroom, but i have to tread through her side. The clutter is at its highest is maybe waist high... 

I don't know what to do anymore. I've talked and talked to her nicely and explained how i can't and refuse to live in filth. I've explained how it really stresses me out. How I've not sketched or painted in years because i can't get creative knowing I'm surrounded by filth. I should come home and be able to relax after a stressful day.... And it's not possible. I love her and the kids very much, that's why I've stuck through it. Hygiene wise they're all very clean.... So, I just don't get it.

When it comes to romantic times it can be difficult to get in the mood when I'm surrounded by clutter and garbage. Just sayin... So, not to mention my feeling unappreciated. It doesn't make me want you... Seeing her face stuck in her phone only gets me even more angry and resentful.. Why be on your phone or watching trash TV when THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO!?... It kills me.

So now I'm growing distant... Pulling away. The only time the house is ever somewhat clean is when i threaten to leave. When I've voiced that we should have better standards and self respect in how we live... Things will be ok for a few days then back to how it was.

When i tell my GF i need her help... She simply says "well i told them to clean" and that's that... Lol

Oh and btw. I pay the bills... I handle up on my part when it comes to being a man and a provider.

I don't even expect dinner when i arrive home. Because i know everyone has already had food or my GF says "well the dishes need to be washed and it's so and sos turn" then starts the back and forth.... So i say screw it.. Forget it.

I feel like turning around and walking right out the door as soon as i get home from work. I'm just tired of footing the bill and being disrespected and walked all over... But i love her.

I'm doomed.

I could go on, but gotta get back to work!

Siemprematahari's picture

You've spoken to her several times over this and she has not changed to no avail. You can keep telling her until you are blue in the face and she won't change because she sees nothing wrong with living in a pig sty. I personally CANNOT live under conditions like that. Having a clean, clutter free home is very important to me. She has no incentive to clean and her children don't either. You can't blame them as they are only doing what they are allowed and she's not teaching them to do any better.

So you have two choices, either you remain living in this filthy environment or you leave. If she really wants to save the relationship she will do her best to turn things around. Once you walk out that door you'll know where you stand.

Wishing you well, life is too short and at the end of the day you have to think what is best for you.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Your wife really has found a sucker in you, hasn't she? You're busting your butt to support four adults and someone else's 11 y.o. What the heck is wrong with you??? Why are you okay with being used by all these people???

You don't get any respect because people don't respect an ATM, they merely use it. So if you want things to change, you need to BE the change. Either move out, or take back your power in the following ways:


  • Get a private mailbox, and have all your mail rerouted to it. Then,
  • Cut off the cash. Withdraw ALL funds from joint accounts and open new accounts in only your name.
  • Cancel all joint credit cards and remove your W as an authorized user on all accounts in your name.
  • Change all passwords to online accounts.
  • Suspend cable tv, internet, and all cell phones other than your own.
  • Take all keys to all vehicles in your name.
  • Give the three older skids eviction notices.

Then inform your wife that she either gets off her butt, cleans the house and gets a job to support her youngest or you will be divorcing her. The key is to be stealthy and strategic, and then hit her with the Shock & Awe. No compromise, no negotiating. You deserve better, but you're not going to get it unless/until you take back control of the asylum.


tog redux's picture

Yeah, what the heck is this "I'm a man and and a provider" crap? This is 2020. Men don't have to provide for lazy women and children that aren't theirs.  If she's going to sit at home not working, then she needs to pull her weight and at least clean up the house. 

Why do you love her? I'd have trouble even looking at her at this point - and I'm not a super neat person. But what you describe is hoarding and living in squalor, while taking advantage of your old-fashioned idea that it's your job to provide for people who don't appreciate you.

I'd say marriage counseling, except I think it's hopeless.  Just move out.

hereiam's picture

EW. No way would I be living like that.

StrawberryPie's picture

Get rid of her.  Why would you want to live like this?  You don't have to live like this. 

Steptotheright's picture

You are being used and very badly. She's a stay-at-home mom, as such she has some bare minimum obligation as an adult in the house and a supposed parent. From what you are describing she does not meet or even remotely come close to meeting these minimal obligations. if she doesn't want to do housework? Fine, then she should work. She should work and make it so you don't have to work 90 freaking hours a week to make ends meet.

If she did that maybe you would have more energy to do housework. either way it just makes my skin crawl hearing tell of how many lazy bums you have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.

Something's got to give. Either she makes the home more pleasant for you to come home to, a Haven from your grueling schedule, or she go gets a damn job. She can work from home, I mean that's what I do, and housechores/parenting as well. What a disgrace.

And don't even get me started on the SK's!

Rags's picture

Please re-read your orignial post.  What would you recommend to someone asking for advice in that situation?d

Now a question. You say you love this trash/clutter queen and her kids so much.  Why? What is there to love about them?

I would say it is time to sell your home, take your share, and get out.  Leave them to deal with their land fill lives while you rediscover the Rugman you enjoy being and get on with your life.

I will IM you for an offline discussion.

ndc's picture

My advice would be to move out (or ask her to leave, if it's your house), and close your wallet.  There is no reason for you to be living in squalor when you're providing a home for all these people who cannot seem to do a thing to take care of the home you're supporting.  It's not fair to you.  Don't allow this to continue.  

If you love your girlfriend, you can continue to date her while living apart.  But don't be surprised if she's not interested once the ATM stops shooting out money.

Anonyn49's picture

Start making an exit plan and don't have sex without a condom. Get some therapy to figure out why you have allowed your life to come to this and to help you start building boundaries that are healthy and will help you find the kind of love you actually deserve. This isn't love my friend. 

Thojpov's picture

Maybe we love people because we think that's all we deserve? Maybe it's us and not them. 

I mean your not really interested in her sexually, she doesn't cook or clean for you. She's constantly on her phone. What is it that she does that makes her so lovable? It's time for some self reflection. 

Steppedout22's picture

Wow. I am so sorry that you have been living in such terrible conditions. That is extremely unfair, especially considering how hard and long you work to pay for everyone. I'm sorry that she has not taken your threats seriously enough to maintain the house on a regular basis. I will tell you that you deserve better than to be stuck living like that. I know you love her but sometimes you are forced to let go of people you love because they themselves force your hand by showing you their true colors. I know it's always easier said than done to leave, but this has become a hazardous situation to all involved. You deserve someone who treats you with the basic decency of not allowing your house to be overrun with filth and to listen to you when you come to them with problems. No one is perfect but it isn't good for any of you to live like that. Maybe you could consider a trial separation to see if she really can keep the house all the way clean for a long time. If not, I'm afraid the choice is clear. Just remember that you deserve better than this.