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"I love BM"

AJanie's picture

Last night DH and I were having a good, long, deep conversation. We were both feeling tipsy, wine, cheese, crusty italian olive bread...

Snuggled up with our pups on the couch. Talking about everything. The last couple of years. Where things started going wrong. The future. Everything in between. The perfect night.

I told him about how I felt when BM would come up during date night. Or how sometimes I feel like his daughter disrespects my belongings (she likes to help herself into my purse, drives me nuts.) He listened, attentively.

BUT

He did say at one point: "I love BM. She's their mother. But I definitely wasn't in love with her anymore. I was in love with you before I even knew your name." Which is what I knew all along, that he loves and respects her to some extent, but thinks she's selfish, annoying and impossible to deal with. But somehow hearing "I love BM" made me want to vomit. UGH. You should have seen my face.

In conclusion...

This is what being a step mom is. Butterflies and heart warming moments followed by the overwhelming urge to vomit. rinse and repeat.

Happy Friday loves.

Comments

AJanie's picture

Loves, as in will always have love for her. It sucks and is hard to deal with. She doesn't really treat me like shit or call me horrible names, we've had our moments in the past though. But she is passive aggressive, money hungry and all for herself.

WalkOnBy's picture

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

Asshat is the father of my kids, but I don't love him. If my husband said he still felt love for Medusa, that would be the end of it for me.

I am sorry that your husband is so disrespectful of you and your marriage.

AJanie's picture

My first instinct was to get soo angry about it... and remind him that her eyes are half a centimeter apart, she has a huge chin and underbite and looks like Lucifer in the female form. Then maybe throw a fit, remind him I turned down a millionaire who used to send me chocolate, french wine and new books to read every week when I was single. My restraint showed me therapy is working.

I am just sick of taking stupid things to heart. Oh well, he has love for the woman who pushed out his cherubs. I can't dwell there, have to vent and carry on. I still love my first love, he's turned into a barely recognizable, filthy hippy but I will always cherish our memories.

WalkOnBy's picture

See, I am not sure that you understand the meaning of the word "love." And I don't think that your hudband telling you that he has love for another woman is a "stupid thing."

I am still friends with my high school boyfriend/first love, but I don't love him anymore. I am friend with the first person I was engaged to, but I am not in love with him. I am fond of them, but no more than I am fond of any of my other friends.

I am not sure that your restraint shows progress in therapy, either.

I think this is a big problem, but that's just IMHO.

AJanie's picture

Thanks, Llilac. I don't think he meant it as in he adores BM or has present day romantic feelings for her. I think we were wine drunk and emotionally connected and he meant it like he cares for her on some level but not on a level that was sustainable to remain together. It obviously stings to hear "love" and "BM" in the same sentence. It is always easier for me when he expresses how dumb and annoying she is. She's a very strange, flighty creature who at times has golden uterus syndrome... but not as downright evil as other BM's.

AJanie's picture

I think a lot of guys just get comfortable. Women may stay longer than they should but once a woman is fed up......

I think anyone would be devastated over a family breaking up. That is some tough shit to deal with... letting go of what "should be." But they're divorced for a reason.

secret's picture

I had a similar conversation with SO... he told kid that yes, he loved mommy.... when the kid asked. I wasn't impressed. I know he never loved her, only stayed with her because of the pregnancy, doesn't give 2 chits for her now... anyway, the end result was that he agreed never to say to kid that he loves/loved his mom, because he didn't, and this way there will never be a reason for kid to think his mom and dad will ever be together again. His standard response is mommy and daddy both love you.

AJanie's picture

Skids never asked DH in front of me if he loved mom. I am not sure what the response would be. All I heard him tell them was "mom and dad did not get along, that ship sailed a long time ago" and he left it at that...

Perhaps they have had that conversation privately. Vomit.

AJanie's picture

Yup. Pretty much the situation here.

I remember seeing him for the first time. You know the corny movies where eyes lock and it is love at first sight? That happened with us. Inseparable from day 1. The only reason I get insecure now sometimes is because well... life happened and the honey moon phase long ago ended. Finances, skids, family illnesses and everything in between caught up to us and the warm and fuzzies took a backseat. I wish there was a way to have that back. Last night it felt like old times.

Tuff Noogies's picture

:sick:

sometimes men can be so unable to accurately communicate. what an extremely poor choice of wording on his part. *sigh* believe his actions, not his words. but still - :sick: :sick: :sick: what on earth possessed him to think his dear wife would EVER want to hear those words?

hereiam's picture

I love BM. She's their mother.

I don't think I could be intimate with him again after hearing that. Her being the kids' mother is not a reason to love her.

he loves and respects her to some extent

My DH has always respected the FACT that BM is SD's mother, which is why he never bad mouthed her, but he has no respect for BM herself and he certainly doesn't love her. BM being his daughter's mother has no bearing on his feelings for her.

WalkOnBy's picture

Right???? Again, I don't wish any ill on Asshat because that would hurt my kids, but if I found out tomorrow that he got hit by a bus, I would be like, "oh, ok."

I am absolutely indifferent when it comes to him. As in no feelings one way or another.

Peridwen's picture

My DH says he has a lot of anger towards BM for the things she has done and still does to hurt the kids. For the kids' sake he doesn't wish her I'll, but if she treated the kids better he wouldn't care about her one way or another. He definitely doesn't love her anymore, and he says the good memories he had with her are so tainted by the nasty that he doesn't consider anything a good memory anymore.

This conversation came about after SD11 asked why they divorced after her catholic class dealing with the marriage sacrament. (I'm not sure what they teach at what age about the sacraments) I believe he is being honest about his feelings. ETA: if he still loved her, I'm sure the pressure from his grandparents to reconcile would have worked.

sunshinex's picture

My DH has no respect for BM and couldn't care less about her. But my situation is a bit unique where BM doesn't do shit for SD5 and never has. She's actually actively avoided acting like a mother - she pays no child support and sees her as little as possible. So he loves and respects ME for acting as a mother to her. He wishes she'd just get out of the picture already lol I have to remind him that she's still SDs mother regardless of how awful she is and how much she doesn't care to act like it.

BUT if she was a good mother and he cared about her as SDs mother because of it, I would respect that an awful lot. I think it's important to respect the parent of your kids, even if you're not together. You certainly shouldn't love them or put on any act like you do, but you should respect them if they're a good parent.

AJanie's picture

Kudos to you - I can't imagine doing the step mom thing full time.

BM loves the skids. Don't get me wrong, she has her issues and can be really dumb - almost to the point where you wonder who ties her shoes for her - but she would give her life for those kids. He does respect that.

It has just always been easier for me to want him to "hate" her as a way to validate myself. But really that isn't ideal for anyone.

sunshinex's picture

Thanks!

At the beginning it was difficult but SD has been with us full-time since she was 2. She's been with DH full-time since she was only months old, so she doesn't really know or care about BM that much. It makes it a lot easier that she sees me as a mother and I see her as a daughter - for the most part - she's got more of my traits and such than she does BM lol she's a little mini-me.

And I bet it's hard when BM is in the picture all the time. It's not easy to build a relationship with skids when they have two parents who are involved. You're kind of left to be the outsider, at least that's how I imagine it feeling. Kudos to all the stepmoms who are trying, despite not being looked at or appreciated for what they do! At the end of the day, we all have it hard regardless LOL

AJanie's picture

I read it on pinterest - the full quote: Nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed."

AJanie's picture

Yeah I am kind of coming around to see it that way. The hatred and loathing was short lived during the transition of them splitting up. It quickly became irritation and minor hiccups. She is semi golden uterus and will probably morph into an old self righteous hag who lives separately from her partner just like her mother. She's one of those "my way or the highway" types. I can look at them and see that they weren't right together. Just 2 people who don't make sense as a couple. Young love doesn't take that into consideration and I am trying to make peace with that.

Salems Lot's picture

I'm not sure what I would do if SO said he still loved BM.

I know I would be hurt, angry and disgusted. I can hold a grudge for a very, very long time.

After everything she has done, I am sure I wouldn't have to worry about it, but still one never knows how another one feels.... You can beat a dog to near death, and that dog will still love you...

Willow2010's picture

No, just no. No “man” should ever tell his wife that he LOVES any other woman. (relative ok). That is just plain stupid on his part.

And at this point, I feel he said that to hurt you. He knows you have been going through a tough time but he picks now to tell you he “loves” BM. And I don’t care what capacity that “love” is, that statement should have never crossed his lips while speaking to you. JMHO.

Hennypenny's picture

You're husband is a jerk, AJanie. I'm sorry to say that and hope I'm wrong since I only know a tiny bit about him, but it seems like he is often making digs at you or saying things to keep you off balance and keep him in control. He seems to hit the mark too frequently to be making accidental slips of the tongue.

I recently read an article that said when someone says something that hurts you, your response should be to say "ouch," just as if they physically hurt you. I think you should start doing that to see a) just how often it happens and b) if he notices and changes his behavior. And

mommadukes2015's picture

You can have love in your heart for someone but not be "in love" with them. Those are two very different things.

OH and PS-I'll keep reminding you-BM can't hold a candle to what you bring to the table. Don't sweat it.

AJanie's picture

Thanks, mommadukes! She's a troll.

I called DH on lunch and said "I loved last night up until you blurted that you loved BM" and he said "oh God, you know I can't stand the bitch. I meant I have love for her because she's SS and SD's mom." lol

mommadukes2015's picture

See? There is nothing wrong with believing him. If he actually "loved" her he wouldn't be with you doll. Smile

AJanie's picture

He's so mushy and loving when he's wine drunk. I'm Spanish and Italian... I get all sorts of fired up, I swear, it's in my blood. God, I wish I was laid back. Blum 3

hereiam's picture

I meant I have love for her because she's SS and SD's mom.

Sorry, but that's not any better.

mommadukes2015's picture

I don't understand how people try to police who their significant others can love.

Of course DH is going to have "love" for someone he shared life experiences such as children with-he is not "in love" with her. Perhaps his choice of words were not ideal, but the sentiment remains.

Willow2010's picture

Of course DH is going to have "love" for someone he shared life experiences such as children with
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Then he should have stayed married to BM.

mommadukes2015's picture

Love is neither finite nor mutually exclusive. He is not in love with her, he loves her as the mother of his children. It's a mature sentiment. Does that mean he wants to be with her? Clearly not.

Love can translate to respect, regard, wishing for her well being all of behalf of his children and the fact that they made them together.

hereiam's picture

It's a mature sentiment. Does that mean he wants to be with her? Clearly not.
Love can translate to respect, regard, wishing for her well being all of behalf of his children and the fact that they made them together.

Yes, so mature that he then turns around and says that he can't stand the bitch (so respectful, too). Which is it? He sounds confused about his feelings for BM and that's not good. He really should have worked that out before getting into a relationship and getting married.

He was drinking and admitted he loves BM, then backtracked when confronted about it the next day. That would not be comforting to me, if I was his wife.

WalkOnBy's picture

but it's not "of course."

I shared 15 years of my life with Asshat. I have no love for him. I shared lots of life experiences with him. Still no love for him. Nope. Not even a little bit. I am not even fond of him.

The opposite of love is indifference.

Stepped in what momma's picture

But everyone is different. I divorced my ex husband simply because I wasn't happy anymore. He didn't cheat, he wasn't staying out all night, he was exactly the same guy I married and I loved him but wasn't in love with him. We ended on a good note and are still friends, hug each other when we see each other, I still love him as I do a friend but I am in love with my SO.

WalkOnBy's picture

right? I don't think that's any better, either...

There is NO WAY that I would ever stand for that.

I am trying to find a delicate way to say this - the only person DH has known biblically and for whom he professes love is me...

end of story.

Willow2010's picture

I meant I have love for her because she's SS and SD's mom
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

NOOOOO!!! That is not a darn bit better!! Your DH just told you he has love for another woman! I don’t see how you are not weirded out by this? I could not imagine. I think I would just tell him that he needs to keep his “love” for other women to himself.

I wonder what he would say if you told him you still had love for another man.

FieryEscape's picture

Nope....That would of completely turned me off in 2 seconds flat. What a way to ruin the mood and the night. :sick:

I have no love for my DD father . No hate either , just indifference.

Your DH is a colossal moron for saying those words to you.

danielsj2's picture

There's a whole lot of "I can't even" with this statement. I don't think I would physically be able to stop my fist from landing in DH's face if he said that to me about BM. I have heard DH say that he would be upset for the kids if anything happened to her cause its their mom and he hurts when they hurt... but I think I would lose my ever-loving mind if he said he loves her.. even in a weird Platonic way. You're a better woman than I...

Livingoutloud's picture

I and my exDH always got along and we are co parenting great and ex is a wonderful father (he belies I am a wonderful mother as well) and we have feelings of respect for each other. We don't hate each other. But saying that we love each other would be inappropriate. It is not love of course and it would break my husbands heart if I said I loved my ex! It's ridiculous.

Your DH could say that he respects his ex. But LOVE???

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I told my DH about your scenario and asked him if he could relate to your DH. He looked at me like I had two heads. He said he did not love BM in any way and the fact she was the mother of his kids didn't make any difference at all. He really couldn't wrap his head around why any man would love his ex at all just because she was the mother of his children. He also said that even if your DH felt that way he shouldn't have told you!

He used to hate BM with the passion of a thousand burning suns, it has now cooled to complete indifference.

Livingoutloud's picture

I think people tell current partners that they still love their exes in order to control or hurt their partners. No one who cares about their loved ones and their feelings would tell them they still love their ex.

And to backpedal and say they actually hate their ex and can't stand them is ridiculous .