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Calling all women who control the money...

AJanie's picture

DH is terrible with money. Just, terrible. The only way we have managed is because I control every.last.cent. If I did not control everything, it would never work. I am ashamed when I think about all the debt and recklessness of his past.

This week he is out of town for work so instead of me getting the check direct he had it sent to him so he would have some spending money. I knew it was a bad idea but I was almost testing him... see if maybe he grew some responsibility over the last year. I said okay. Of course, instead of cashing it at a store or bank, he has a buddy of his lend him half of it in cash, hands over his check to him and is getting the rest (that we need for household bills) "tomorrow." I do not know this guy well and to me that is just such reckless foolishness.

What is it with some people that they just cannot manage a dime? Money burns a hole in his pocket and he is always willing to "help" one of his scumbag friends, so I am sure there is more to the story.

Who else controls the finances? Because they HAVE to?


AJanie's picture

Mine will spend it on Redbull, coffee, cheeseburgers... maybe a couple scratch tickets. Still trying to teach him the art of making your coffee and food at home. God help me.

Mialane's picture

Wow. I don't know what I would do. That is insane. He gave the bill money away with no thought on what would happen if the guy didn't repay him.

Cover1W's picture

I don't control all of it, DP is good overall but I make darn sure the bills are paid on time.
I make sure he deposits the correct amount in the joint account, on time, every month.
Once we bought the house and set up the joint account we had a few close calls with getting his half of the funds into it for the mortgage payment on time. He didn't see "what the big deal was." Really? And he wondered why his credit rating was so low...which is is working on. I told him as long as my name was associated with his on credit and legal documents then I WILL be monitoring him all.the.time.

He's getting better. He's opening his mail more frequently and he's making sure he pays his personal bills on a regular basis.

I would go mad if I had to monitor all the money for two people

Merry's picture

I control it all. Except for the little bit DH makes on his various hobbies. He is terrible with detail in general, but is pretty good when he has basic parameters. DH is really sweet about not wanting me stressed out about money, and I AM stressed out when I feel like household budget is out of control. We got way out of control with credit cards and are living pretty close to the bone now to pay those devils off. It's no fun, but having a plan and working the plan lets me sleep at night. DH is on board.

Teas83's picture

My husband and I keep our finances separate because of his financial obligation to SD, as well as the fact that he's not great at managing his money. We share household expenses based on our income ratio. He makes about 3/5 of the household income and I make about 2/5. So every month we keep track of our shared expenses and then one of us owes the other money depending on who has paid for which things.

It works really well for us. Neither of us really pays attention to what the other spends our money on. I have no idea how much money he currently has and he has no idea how much I have. As long as the household expenses are taken care of, I couldn't care less what he does with his money. We both earn six-figure salaries though, so that helps to make finances less stressful.

ESMOD's picture

Solution is direct deposit into your bill paying acct. He can have a separate bank acct with a debit card and you can transfer spending money that way. Alternatively you can send cash western union. No way should he have gotten the check that you needed to pay household bills.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture


Thank the heavens my DH is smart with money and is pretty responsible. Sometimes he does buy stupid stuff here and there but hey, so do I in the spur of the moment, but it never makes a dent or is cause for worry.

AJanie's picture

Yes, we are going to do just this. I need to find a way to link an account to mine where I can transfer funds and he can use his card but not access funds that we need for bills.

ESMOD's picture

It's pretty easy. Just set up two checking accts at the same bank. You make yourself as the bill payer the only person who can access that account where the check is deposited. He gets a 2nd joint acct with a debit card to that account. Just transfer the amount you want him to have access to only. We did this with my younger SD. I got a joint account with her and she had a debit card. I would transfer money from another account in my name to hers. Alternatively, there are prepaid debit cards that you can buy and refill but they do carry fees in most cases.

AJanie's picture

Thank you. I wasn't aware one person could be an account bill payer and the other just have access to transferred funds. We will be doing this.

ESMOD's picture

To be clear, you will not want him on the bill paying account if at all possible. His check can be direct deposited there though.

You have a second joint account at the same bank where you can transfer (i can do it online) money into that 2nd account. That is the account he has a debit card on.

WalkOnBy's picture


go to bank. Open one account in your name only. Open a second account in both of your names. Get debit card for him for the joint account.

His paycheck (and yours if that's how you do it) goes into your account. You then transfer some over to his account. OR, his direct deposit can be split however you like into both accounts.

notasm3's picture

I control all of our finances - but not because of any DH shortcomings. He just doesn't want to be bothered, and I am much more qualified to manage our retirement funds.

We have an account that DH has ATM access to for his personal needs. Plus of course he has credit cards. But he never does anything stupid.

misSTEP's picture

I do all the financial stuff. All the computer stuff too. Most of the time, that's exactly how DH wants it. He is ADHD and knows that he'd forget something or another. Once in a while, he will get a hair up his butt and start questioning on this and that. But he knows he's got his needs and wants covered for the most part. So he is happy with the arrangement.

Tuff Noogies's picture

this is how dh and i do it also. even with the wild hair up his butt - lol! every once in a while he starts questioning, but he knows the bills always get paid and does not have to worry.

notsobad's picture

I control everything but only because DH can't be bothered, not because he'd put us in the poor house. Although sometimes I wonder the way he spends.

Skids come to me when they need something. Until recently they were both in Uni on scholarship and we gave them a living allowance. I asked them for a budget and then together we went over it. They are good kids and don't look at DH or me as an ATM. They do however expect us to pay for things that they would never ever ask BM for. Cause BM has spent every second since she and DH split complaining about how she has no money.

The only time we had a real problem was when SD was living with BM and going to school, on scholarship. BM expected us to continue to give SD money for rent! Her logic was that if SD lived somewhere else he would be paying her rent so why is this any different. DH set both of them straight and told them that he'd given BM the house he wasn't going to pay the mortgage too.
That year we gave SD gas money and that was it. It was crazy because BM thought we should give her an allowance for food as well.

We have managed to merge finances pretty well. I'm in accounting and I'm a saver. As long as DH has the funds to golf and run the business he's happy.