Comments from people who've never experienced our "issues"....
I want to personally thank each and every one of the people who participate on this website…especially in the Adult Step-children forum.
Thank you for coming here, and making all of us not feel so alone, isolated, like we’re the only ones that are having these kinds of problems
Thank you for giving honest, heart felt advice. Thank you for knowing that the solution to any one of our situations is not “easy”
I was recently summed up as a “bad mom” to my biokid, because of the situation in our home. (my SS27, his gf21 and their 1yo baby live with us...rent free…blah blah blah)
I don’t think I’m a bad mom. For mother’s day, my kid gave me a card, and tucked inside the card was a letter… thanking me for always being there for her, to listen to her, to help her when she needs it… to NOT help her when she has to figure stuff out on her own.
My biokid isn’t really ‘thrilled’ about our living situation with these people in our home, but it’s not REALLY affecting her in anyway, except to set an example of how NOT to live… she looks to my Older biodaughter and my step-daughter and ME as examples of how to live your life properly. She holds no sympathy for SS or his G/F and, like me, thinks mostly of the welfare of their kid.
I know it’s not OUR responsibility to provide a roof over their head.. etc…while G/F is going to school, but I made it very clear to my husband that I am supportive of her getting her education, so that she can help provide for our grandson, so I am willing to allow them to live with us till she graduates then they have three months.
Apparently, that makes me a “bad mom” for allowing my biokid to be subjected to the ‘abuse’ that they dish out by living in our home rent free, and not contributing.
Do you think it’s ‘abuse’? we go about our day to day lives, we go to work and school, we have dinner at the table together (three of us) we clean up as a family, we review homework (either me or my husband) w/ my daughter, we sometimes will watch some TV together, before my DD gets bored and goes upstairs to watch something that suits her taste more or just listen to music and read a book.
Since I have disengaged more and more, they have become less of an issue… they’re just there, or they’re not. Whatever. Until they move out, in about a year or so that’s just the way it is
I was ‘informed’ by the same person that told me that I was a bad mom for subjecting my Daughter to this ‘abuse’ that my disengaging will only escalate the situation and the ‘mental abuse’ that is being dished out right now will most certainly become physical abuse, either to me, or my daughter.
Has anyone here who ever disengaged ever experienced that?
I’ve been with my husband for a long time, practically since my younger bio-daughter was a baby…he’s being manipulated by the ‘baby card’ and well, maybe I am to an extent too, but he also heard me loud and clear, when I told him that by next year, either they go, or I do
He gets it, and he gets that I am being EXTREMELY patient with this whole thing. And he appreciates my patience.
I’m just not willing to pack and go right now, because I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Apparently, that makes me a bad mom?
wow that's some pretty crazy
wow that's some pretty crazy projection, whoever was judging you like that. Sounds like you've found some good coping strategies for one of those impossible situations. the fact that your bd can write you a letter like that shows - good job, mom. sounds like you are holding your "core" family in a functional way... never mind the crazies. it's always different on the inside than others think it is looking from the outside.
SS27 works, he always has
SS27 works, he always has worked... the problem is, that he always has been selfish and spoiled, and my H never made him A) pay rent or
get out
that was the 'family rule' that was never enforced with his son
you go to school and you don't have to pay rent, the minute your'e not in school, you get a job and pay rent, or you leave
well, he graduated from school, got a good job with benefits and never paid rent
The more I brought it up, the more stress there was between my H and I, so I stopped
Until he started letting the G/F stay overnight
I have young daughters
another house rule broken:
Nobody of the opposite sex is allowed in the bedrooms!
we put our foot down, when we figured out what was going on, we forbade it
so she would leave her car on the other side of the neighbrohood and would sneek in when we were asleep and either hide in his room till we left for work, or leave before we woke up
then, of course she got pregnant
(backstory, her mother found out, sold her home, and moved her and her son in w/ her boyfriend, no room for pregnant daughter and baby on the way, the g/f had no where else to go)
he now pays pretty much all of her bills, and his own, but the "living expenses" which should be coming to us, never do
Blue Belle, that's the point
Blue Belle, that's the point that for my own sanity (which is what would directly affect my kid) I would HAVE to leave.
With an 'end date' I can affectively disengage from the situation and concentrate on taking care of my kid, my husband and myself.
As I've mentioned in other posts, They don't DO anything around the house, which was my biggest bone of contention, (if you're going to live here rent free, at least DO something to help out)
I gave up asking and just do what I normally would do if they weren't there anyway... but it's all because I have that light at the end of the tunnel.
If the tunnel collapses, I have no choice really for myself but to turn around and go.
I am thankful that I have a good job, with benefits and I make enough that I can support myself and my bd if I have to. My life would change, my bd's life would change, she's had my H in her life ever since she can remember, but I'd do her no good, if I were a crazy, angry all the time parent
I should add, that it sits
I should add, that it sits somewhere in the back of my head, that there will be more excuses... mentally, I have to be prepared for that
Has anyone here ever listened
Has anyone here ever listened to Dr. Laura? I feel like that’s how I was dressed down. That my daughter is an innocent who had no say in this situation and how could I do this to her?
Do what? Marry my husband? He’d been a great step-dad to my kid, even now in her terrible teens when her mood sometimes swings like the pendulum on a grandfather clock, he’s able to remain pretty calm. Not leave because my husband is letting his son and girlfriend and the baby live with us while we support them? Yeah it’s crappy, yea it’s not fair that they get to do that, but I don’t see it as “abuse” of my daughter
(am I rationalizing this? Is this really a harmful situation for my kid? Should I NOT have given the ultimatum and just left? How do you do that? WHEN do you do that? At what point do you just say “enough” and walk?”)
My issue is slightly
My issue is slightly different but yet the same. My husband died and my adult SC have been awful to the point I am taking them to court. I know some people think, just hearing this, that I am an evil person. People who really loved my husband believed, as he did, that his kids were basically good. The last thing they want to do is offer any sympathy to me, because they see it as a betrayal. The only people who seem to understand are those of you who have had similar situations and friends and acquaintances who have had bad step parenting problems.
Lucy, I feel for your
Lucy, I feel for your situation, I watched what my mom went through when my step-dad died. His kids were much older than us, and they resented my mom and us three girls from the beginning. She really tried, and they threw it back in her face every time, until they just stopped coming around or calling their father unless they wanted something of course.
When he died, one came to the service drunk, one didn’t show up and the other was there weeping, because she had completely alienated her father and just then realized it was too late for her to make any amends (he had cancer, he was REALLY ill for over a year, none of them visited at home, none even came to the hospital while he breathed his last breaths)
As soon as he was in the ground, two of them skulked off to go get drunk together (probably joining the one that wasnt' there at the bar. My mother offered them things that she thought would have sentimental value to them, like their grandfathers watches, my Step-Dad’s Army Uniforms, his golf clubs, pictures, etc… they had nerve to ask “what about Dad’s Rollex? What about that Tanzanite stone he bought when he took OUR MOM to Bermuda, what about … what about….???”
My mother, calmly said to them all, your father had a will, he left everything to me to do with what I wish, if you want to get legal counsel then do what you want, but I am offering you things that I believed would have sentimental value to you, remembrances of your father, if you don’t want them, fine.”
They didn’t accept anything with sentimental value and got what they deserved, NOTHING!
The oldest son got a lawyer, tried to contest the will, but it was a joke and nothing ever came of it, other than to hurt my mom even more
It wasn’t bad enough that she had to suffer the loss of her husband, but to be put through that kind of abuse is unforgivable.
You have my sympathies!
Is the person who is accusing
Is the person who is accusing you of being a bad Mother a SM? When people make judgements of you ask yourself if they really understand your situation and what THEY would do if they were dealing with what you are. Many people get a bit self-righteous and believe everyone should live life as they feel is proper but when presented with the same circumstances, it is somehow 'different' for them. You have to believe your views are just as 'right' as theirs.
I've been told by one of my realtives who has a horrible relationship with her Husband that the kids come first, SD is first in DH's eyes and I am just a horrible person if I don't accept it. My relative is not a SM. She said the kids come first numerous times. I finally looked at her, smiled, and firmly told her we would have to agree to disagree, I believed the marriage was top priority. It put her on notice that I would no longer sit back and let her spout off about how I should think and act. She has never made the comment again.
I think your 'friend' should be informed that disengaging will, if anything, 'de-escalate' the hostility. When you disengage communicaton is minimized, no arguing, no emotion. The main thing is that there are no more unrealistic expectations on our part, we stand firm in expecting mutual respect, thereby reducing our stress level.
You must be a saint to be
You must be a saint to be hosting and cleaning up after not only your SS but his GF and the new baby. If anyone else on here thinks they are hard done by, they should imagine what this must be like. You are a truly generous soul. The sad thing is they may never grow up, they may eventually split up down the road, and it could be a tough life ahead. At least the GF is getting an education which will help support your grand child no matter which way it goes.
Okay, I’m on the same page,
Okay, I’m on the same page, sandye21 because I don’t get the whole “first” thing either. No the person that says that I’m a “bad Mom” and harming my biokid is not a step-mom and believes that I should throw my marriage out the window because of the way that the Mister is about his son
You can’t compare a relationship with your kids and how you interact with them, to that of a spouse. Which is why it pisses me off when I hear people say “the kids come first”
That’s great, but how do you mean by that? ALWAYS? You never think of your spouse before you think of your kid? What if your kid didn’t like lima beans but lima beans were your spouses favorite food on earth?? Does that mean that your spouse would NEVER get lima beans, because “kids come first!”??
When you sit down to watch TV as a family, and your kid wants to watch Nickelodeon but it’s 8:30 and your favorite TV show comes on, do you send your spouse packing because “Kids come first”??
What would my kid rather have? A single mom or a two parent household with two people who love each other? Sure we have our ‘issues’ but name me one couple that doesn’t have issues… it’s better that she sees two people who love each other in a relationship that has ups and downs, people who can learn how to work together to get through the shit that life sometimes throws at you.
Thank you Jules for calling me a saint, but I am certainly NOT a saint. I do want this GF to get an education and contribute to supporting herself and her baby and the household wherever she lives…but then again, she’s my grandson’s mom and while she may not be my favorite person in the world, I do feel that “grandmom” obligation to look out for my grandson in whatever small way we can do it, so if putting a roof over her head while she goes to school is what we have to do (and dealing with all that comes with that) then so be it
I don’t think that qualifies me as ‘bad mom’ or hurting my kid, but the day I wrote this, I was just as fed up as you can imagine. This person wrote to me (this was in an e-mail a so called “friend” who told me to “Wake up” they’re never going to leave, he won’t ever make them, he’ll always “choose” them over me and in the mean time I am teaching my kid that “emotional abuse” is okay and all the disengaging I do, will only escalate the situation
Well, so far the disengaging has been a God-send. I don’t worry about where they are, where they’re going, when they come home, who’s going to be there for dinner. I’m letting the chores that they don’t do just roll off my back and if the Mister, me and my biokid go to the beach for the weekend and I don’t clean the bathroom before we go away, so be it I’m at the beach and not looking at a hairy bathroom floor, right?
I’m just easier to be around, my husband likes me more now, my kid likes me more now… (that doesn’t mean I’m not counting the days till she graduates!)
I am guilty of judging people
I am guilty of judging people who are enabling others, I just don't say it out loud. It is none of my business what someone else does in their own home. No, it is not abusive to your BD. It is teaching her lessons that you may or may not want her to learn but it isn't abusive.
Well that sounds like a
Well that sounds like a healthy form of disengaging. How would you define disengaging: not trying to control people and situations? Not caring? And more importantly, how can you successfully disengage? People who are control freaks would have a difficult time with it.
It's a manipulation tactic.
It's a manipulation tactic. IGNORE IT.
If they can undermine your will and get you to doubt yourself, they have you under their control. Don't let them "jerk your chain".
You are providing all their NEEDS, and if they want more, then then NEED to respect you and their father. The law of reciprocity.
Be gentle with yourself, you are doing the best you can in a "war zone" and we all know "war is hell". You can only do the best you can do.
Good luck.