Sh64's picture

Partner says I love you to ex wife

I am need of confirmation or a reality check...

This evening my partner was showing me his texts and one happened to be from his ex wife. I didn't notice at first but there was a heart emoji from his ex. He quickly told me "don't worry. That one is to Marisa (the ex) and it just meant as friends." I took notice then and wanted to know why. He had given his child support payment and she was emotionally distraught. My partner said "I love you nerd" to help comfort her and it meant nothing but "just as friends." I felt a lot of anger and was visibly upset. His defense is that it means something different when you have children with someone. He has said many times before that he will always love his ex wife, that he had been with her for 10 years (separated for 5) and had two kids with her, that this means he will always love her. If the shoe was on the other foot, and I told my ex I loved them, with the intention of it meaning just as friends he says it would mean the same thing if there were children involved and he would be understanding. I do not and therefore do not share his take on this. I feel like a huge boundary has been crossed, and even if he doesn't think so she very well took his sweet nothings to heart. Her response from what I saw as "Thanks I love you too <3."

Is this normal? Am I just being jealous? Why is this bothering me so much.

By him saying "I love you" to her, and then saying it to me I feel like it's emotional cheating. We are in a monogamous relationship so saying this to someone, especially since he's been in a romantic and obviously physical relationship, I feel is different than saying to a friend or family member. I might say I love you to my close friend but I never have sex with them so by definition would literally mean "just as friends."


lintini's picture

Well, are you okay with

Well, are you okay with dating a man who is still in love with his xwife?

No way in hell would I be okay with that, and he's just feeding you b.s. He's trying to make you seem like a crazy person because it's "normal" since they have kids.

Parrots vs Stepson
Messy, loud, and they repeat what you say (and they pick up the bad stuff first)

Sh64's picture

He shows he is committed to

He shows he is committed to me and does love me, but with things like this it leaves me to wonder what actually happens when I'm not around. And how much he actually feeds into her delusional self-righteousness. He and his family share my disgust (FINALLY after over 2 years of tribulation) She's shown her true colors to all...She is narcissistic and manipulative and always asking for financial assistance from her mother, my partner's parents, my partner, the goverment, etc.) Which is why I have such issue with her and her life decisions, which not only impact her but also the kids' financial future and life lessons/development, my partner, our finances, and therefore myself. I feel like he is feeding into her manipulation to get validation for her inappropriate use of money (extravagant vacations, breast implants, etc) I and well...we have had many problems with her in the past and currently. Which is why I can't understand why he would want to give her such compassion, let alone say "I love you" with the ex's actions and decisions.

It's like there's something magical that happens when you have kids, insane ex or not.

jollybean's picture

joint sign off (platonic

joint sign off (platonic love) “we love you” to her texts, she’d be so angry her plastic boobs would explode !

Disney Dad got his hooks in me now I’m Maryf*ckinPoppins

BethAnne's picture

Love is a single word to

Love is a single word to describe a huge array of complex emotions. It can be over simplified to mean a romantic/sexual love when it does not always mean that (as you noted when talking about family etc).

I think there are two important issues here. The first is trust. Do you trust that your husband is over his ex and is fully committed to you as his sole partner? The second is how you feel about the words he uses with his ex, if you find them too strong, is he willing to modify the language that he uses to her (and in reference to her)?

If you do not trust him or he is unwilling to take your concerns and emotions seriously enough to try to change his future behavior then you two may have a lot of work to do to get back to a good place.

My husband told me the same thing near the beginning of our relationship, that he would always love the mother of his child. And although I was upset I related to it in a way that I too will always love my ex’s but it is not a sexual love but one that cares for a person I spent a lot of time with and grew with. These days my husband actively avoids anything to do with his ex and tells me he hates her. He had told me how everything would be easier if she were dead. I have not followed up asking him if he still thinks he loves her, as frankly I don’t want to know the answer and it would do me no good knowing it. I know that he loves me, I know he is devoted to me, I know that he would never go back with her. These are absolute truths I have no doubt in.

Sh64's picture

I feel it is important to

I feel it is important to note though, that expressing love and caring is different than saying it outright. That's what hurts the most is that he felt he needed to say the words "I love you" to the woman he was previously in a relationship when just the night before he says the same to me. It was different when he expresses that he will always love her to me, that she will always be a part of our lives. But then to see that he explicitly types it out for another woman is what hurts the most. Especially when she has caused so much pain and suffering towards him and his family.

It's like a spell has been cast over him; the guilt parenting of his split family with this other woman who isn't worth the penance he feels he's devoted to continue.

I don't know how else to spell it out for him; that he's a good dad, he has split ties with this person, he only owes to his kids the devotion and compassion. But he insists that the children need to see that mom and dad can be friends. Why does it have to extend beyond the children's view of them?

twoviewpoints's picture

Except for the unnecessary

Except for the unnecessary sign off, is there anything in their communication (either verbal or physical in person , text, phone) that seems inappropriate? Any communication over anything that is not kid related?

I can understand why you would be uncomfortable with these sign-offs. It seems to take away the meaning of the words when he expresses " I love you' to you. Almost as if if he says " I love you' to you you should look around and see if perhaps his ex snuck in the room and he is instead talking to her. Yeah, not cool.

I doubt he is seriously still longing for his ex. He is in love with you. But he's just not 'getting' how these unnecessary and inappropriate expressions to his ex affect you. It upsets you and you feel it diminishes the words he says to you when he goes around expressing the same sentiment to his ex wife.

He can respect her as the mother of his children without disrespecting you as his new relationship and future. He isn't understanding the difference. While it may mean nothing romantically anymore when he signs off that way to his ex, it actually does have meaning because it upsets and hurts you. He is crossing a boundary line. Denying you a secure feeling and trust that is necessary for you, that any woman should feel is between a man and woman in a committed serious relationship.

He's being an *ss by downplaying how he thinks you should feel about this.

IslandGal's picture

Really!!?? What a load of

Really!!?? What a load of crock! He is playing you. There is no way in hell that I would EVER say that to my ex because..i no longer love him. We have 2 kids and if he ever said that to me..id tell him to get over it because I dont feel the same way.

If my partner said that to his ex (moot point cuz im no longer with him), I would be gone. If he still loved her..then he needs to not be with anyone else. Pretty damn simple.

Skid: Children are the future!
Me: Adults are the present..without them, children have none!

Sh64's picture

I wish all parents and

I wish all parents and step...EVERYONE saw things this simple.

My biggest challenge is navigating the co-parenting trap of single moms (limiting to this particular demographic listed above) that think the world owes them something they never work for. That and the uncomprehensible ties they hold over the opposing parent even after all other ties are broke. Commonsense, I'd be quite flattered if help were given to me...Not ask for more, let alone expect it or seek it out continuously.

ldvilen's picture

Manipulative, controlling BM

Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell. Right now, that is your future. You will have very little power in this situation. You cannot control BM, you cannot control DH, and you will not be able to control their children, at all. What is in this for you? Bringing an "ours" baby into the picture would just be putting that child at risk for being treated the same way you are.

Best thing for step-mom to do at weddings--either go looking like Sofía Vergara in a red dress and play the flaming 2nd wife to the max., or avoid the whole thing and plan a spa day with friends, people who actually care about you.

wineisthecure's picture

I'd be concerned what other

I'd be concerned what other snow he is snowing you with. Time for an exit plan.

What is so wrong about offering skids shiny red apples?

TexasPickles's picture

This isn't about trust, this

This isn't about trust, this is about he buckets of bullsheet your DH is handing out. He clearly is still enmeshed with his ex. And he is dismissing your concerns because..you know...you don't have your own kids. So what do you know about any of it, right?

On the plus side, he is giving you a clear view of what your future with him will look like. Use that info wisely. Find someone else who puts you first.

ldvilen's picture

The I love you doesn't bother

The I love you doesn't bother me as much as this comment, "He has said many times before that he will always love his ex wife, that he had been with her for 10 years (separated for 5) and had two kids with her, that this means he will always love her." It's a red flag. He is a pig, plain and simple. He wants two wives, with you being the lesser one. Is he even formally divorced from her yet? You should not be wasting even one more minute on this man. Get out and go find yourself an available man with no children. And, you'd be better off alone than with some man who is going to be treating you and thinking of you as sloppy seconds the rest of his life. And, he is going to be teaching his children to think of you that way as well. With this guy, you might as well be his Handmaid vs. his SO.

Best thing for step-mom to do at weddings--either go looking like Sofía Vergara in a red dress and play the flaming 2nd wife to the max., or avoid the whole thing and plan a spa day with friends, people who actually care about you.

callmedone's picture

I would listen to Idvilen

I would listen to Idvilen HARD. I'd also listen to your gut which is telling you this man is feeding you a line of bs. You deserve better than this and you already know that otherwise you wouldn't be feeling like you are. Your feelings are absolutely valid and don't let him tell you differently.

callmedone

TexasPickles's picture

☝this. Idvilen knocks it out

☝this. Idvilen knocks it out of the ballpark.

MurphysLaw's picture

I don’t know whether to laugh

I don’t know whether to laugh or start cursing....
Um...No, this would not fly with me.
The dude is a classic recycler, meaning he never threw away his little black book (or phone # of any ex)
He’s been “so honest” with you (ok now I gotta laugh lol), by telling you “he’ll always love BM”...and when You accepted that bs, I bet you didn’t think they were sending love notes back & forth!
RUN SISTA RUN!!!
I bet this guy is a helluva sweet talker...
Why the hell did they get divorced?
Bet he cheated on her with the chick he went to prom with...cause you know he’ Always love his first girlfriend blah blah blah
The guy is a con artist scum bag

"...you know what? Now I have my boundaries drawn, and tbh if anything better came up, he's lost the absolute loyalty I would have felt."~SMForever

"I own a potted plant with more purpose and follow through then step sloth."~Lilywen

Snowflake's picture

I have kids with my ex and my

I have kids with my ex and my husband has kids with his. The only I love you’s said are between us.

The kids have nothing to do with the relationship between the partners. My husband tried to say something like that at the beginning of our relationship, and I told him that was fine, that our relationship was just over then. I don’t compete with other women, never have never will. I am someone that needs absolute loyalty. If my other half can’t give me that then that is fine, I can and will find someone that will.

Stop being nice and embrace your inner bitch. Own it and empower yourself.

Disneyfan's picture

THIS I get along fine with my

THIS

I get along fine with my son's dad(and his SM). I have always respected his role/place in our son's live. However,I DO NOT LOVE him.

Anyone saying using the I love him/her but I'm not IN LOVE,line is feeding their listener a huge pile of crap.

That line is nothing more than a attempt to justify the fact that they are still in love with someone else.

"Some of you nonstepparents should have disclaimers in your signature lines. Disney isn't a SM any more, but her's could read, "Was a SM. That shit is for the birds! I don't hate all SMs, though. I'm cool."" LadyFace

Curious Georgetta's picture

What if he is simply telling

What if he is simply telling you the truth! What if he is a healthy enough individual to recognize that while he is no longer in love with his ex ,he
Was in love with her at one time and a vestige of those feelings live on in a very different way.
This woman gave him the people that he loves most - his children.
Many ,many people will tell you that my partner hates his/her ex. When people hate with that intensity , there may be little difference between love and hate The partner is brining the same emotional energy (and sometimes more) to the relationship that they are now calling hate. In the end it may just be , if I can no longer tell you that I love you , I will say that I hate you because that is what I am permitted to say.

Many people-men in particular will say whatever they think that the partner of the moment needs to hear- I never really loved her, she cheated, it was a one night stand, I was drunk, etc. In some instances this may be true but not nearly as often as it is said.

Healthy people do not need to hear explanations of
why an old live died and they realized that you can still love someone but no longer be in love with them.

By your account, this man is honest about his feelings and treats you well you say that you love him and he seems to be in love with you.

Human beings have the capacity to love in many different ways Are you willing to give up what sounds like a good relationship because the man has the capacity to love in different ways?

This man has not been dishonest with you. He is not making some revisionist history because it is what you need to hear to feel comfortable. An honest an open individual may be in love with you.

Only you can decide if you are capable of handling his truths.

Good luck.

MurphysLaw's picture

Very eloquently put and

Very eloquently put and yet...I can still smell the bull$hit.
The insinuation of “Only a strong & secure woman could be in a relationship with such a honest, truthful & loving man” HONESTLY makes me wanna puke. Just saying.

"...you know what? Now I have my boundaries drawn, and tbh if anything better came up, he's lost the absolute loyalty I would have felt."~SMForever

"I own a potted plant with more purpose and follow through then step sloth."~Lilywen

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Huge difference between

Huge difference between "loving" his ex, and actually saying/typing it!

ybarra357's picture

So he he’s pulling the he

So he he’s pulling the he ‘loves her but he’s not IN love with her’ crock. Yeah ok

That's no moon, it's a space station!

I love dogs's picture

Ok great he loves her. She's

Ok great he loves her. She's the mother of his kids. HOWEVER, it does not need to be verbalized (or sent as a text message).

My hubby says he has love FOR BM as in she is the mother of their daughter. Does he love her? HELL NO! But he doesn't wish harm on her because he knows how negatively that would affect SD.

Also, joint sign offs like "we love you" are NOT appropriate. BM tried to pull that BS for awhile but DH ignored it. Absolutely uncalled for. There is no longer any "we" sentiments. The skid(s) have 2 families and need to learn go accept that and adjust to it.

jollybean's picture

NOT ‘we’ in the way you

NOT ‘we’ in the way you think. He is signing texts from himself directly to an ex and telling the gf it’s platonic. The gf is finding that gut wrenching betrayal and feels it’s dishonest on many levels. Does the gf buy Christmas cards this year for friends and family and sign it on behalf of him, even if he doesn’t mean it. She’s upset and confused, if she suggests the next sign of he does to the BM is platonic from both of them it’s supposed to highlight the complete and utter stupidity of the man. He will never do it, that’s the point because he shouldn’t be doing the “I love you”

Disney Dad got his hooks in me now I’m Maryf*ckinPoppins

I love dogs's picture

"We" as in SM 'loves' BM too?

"We" as in SM 'loves' BM too? Why in the world would that ever be appropriate?? They aren't teenagers who need to show fake affection because it's 'cute'?

BM has said she appreciates all I do for SD but I would freak out if she said she loves me. I would also freak out on DH if he told BM he loves her even if he was just trying to keep her happy.

jollybean's picture

That’s the anguish right

That’s the anguish right there, gf doesn’t know what type of love he is expressing and doesn’t feel she knows what’s going on behind her back, it’s hurtful to her. He is gaslighting her. She’s not crazy. “I love you” wrong “we love you” wrong - both are very wrong but can he see that ?

Disney Dad got his hooks in me now I’m Maryf*ckinPoppins

witch.hazel's picture

My ex husband once called me

My ex husband once called me and told me that he would always love me, and this was after he had been living with his current wife (gf at that time) for a few months. I doubt she would have appreciated it. I didn't reciprocate.

My current partner would call his ex wife, "honey" and act all caring toward her on the phone. I told him he will not do this if he wants to be with me, and it stopped. Some men feel they are taking the high road, or they have the need to be a hero, or to be the loving, caring ex and father even after the divorce. For most of them, sex is their love language, so maybe he'd better think about how he'd feel if he caught you texting your ex that you were still hot for him, or calling him "sexy".

Maybe it is a male thing. But, he'd better change it for you when you ask him to. He needs to care more for how he makes you feel than how he makes her feel. If not, I'd be out.

Livingoutloud's picture

He says he loves his ex??

He says he loves his ex??

My ex and I have utmost respect of each other. We are and have always been on best terms. I’d say we are the healthiest co-parenting exes I personally have ever met. Over the years we said some kind words to each other in particular contexts however if he said he loves me I’d be shocked because he has a loving wife. That wouldn’t be ok.

Recently my ex said to me that admires me and I am an amazing person. It was in a context of horrific event we had to go through. DD lost her DH in the most horrific event that I wouldn’t wish on my enemies. She was in a terrible shape and was on medical leave. We both had to be there for her in all kind of ways. It was the most horrible thing we both ever had in our co-parenting life.

My ex was totally impressed how I handle it and dealt with DD and continue dealing with it (she is ok now, it’s been a year). As much as he is there for DD he couldn’t always come up with ways to deal with. But even in his expression of gratitude he’d never say he loves me. Because he does not. I don’t love him either.

If my DH said he loved his ex I’d be done. My DH is ok with my good relationship with ex but not with LOVE.

If your SO is just separated he might get together with her if he still loves her. I’d run. Run fast

still learning's picture

People can be so dumb. It's

People can be so dumb. It's ridiculous how quickly couples who are having issues divorce and move on...but not really. He loved her and likely still loves her but has you to fill his sexual needs now while she is still filling his emotional ones. When I see couples like this I always wonder why they ever divorced and why the new partner doesn't see how much of a third wheel they really are.

At least he's being honest and letting you know that this is how it's going to be. If it were me I'd package him and his belongings up real nice and give him back to her for Christmas.

And now I'll do what's best for me.

I love dogs's picture

Spot on post! I just had a

Spot on post! I just had a convo with DH about wedding vows. Couples vow for richer or poorer, sickness and health yada yada but no one wants to struggle through the tough times. I don't get it. And yes for the xmas present!

SMforever's picture

Sad to say it looks as though

Sad to say it looks as though this guy is enjoying the duality of two women vying for his affections. Previous poster is right. He is still father and husband in his emotional head, and. You are the new source of sex while he plays games and continues to figure out wha happened to his family life.

You have already made your feelings known and he has chosen to gaslight you with crap about love. I call BS. You are absolutely right to question his behaviour, his choices. Ex sounds like she is enjoying the attention.

It reminds me of Clinton saying 'I did not have sex with her' simply because he chose not to define a BJ as sex.

Consider yourself lucky you found out now that your 'partner' doesn't define partnership the way you thought he did. Decide if this is the way you want to be treated. Most of us would choose freedom.

advice.only2's picture

Your SO is using his children

Your SO is using his children as an excuse and gaslighting you by saying "you don't understand you don't have kids" its his cowardly way of avoiding the real truth...he still is emotionally invested in his ex.

oneoffour's picture

I just asked my husband if

I just asked my husband if after 16 yrs he still loves his ex. He said ' No but sort of..." We clarified he 'respects' rather than loves his ex as the mother of their shared children, because without her he would not have his sons. I accept this explanation.

However saying you still love your ex and refer to her with a pet name .... an invasion by NoKo would look like a picnic compared to my scorn. He uses an example of why he 'loves' her in terms you have not experienced. That is unfair. This is like saying "You have never eaten ginger cake and I have so I know what it tastes like and you will like it and have to accept my decision."

Personally I would ask him to make a choice. Me or not me. This isn't about him still 'loving' his ex or referring to her in pet names. This is about being 100% committed to you and right now despite his explanations his ex still has part of his heart. I would ask that he considers how this makes you feel. Good enough as a bed warmer and time occupier but because you do not share children means his heart will in part always remain with BM. This is one of my deal breakers. I compromised for years and gave in to my ex and DHs feelings and wants. It wasn't until I got to 42 yrs old that I stood up to DH -then BF- and said that I was not compromising on my realistic and equitable expectations. And he was pretty damned lucky he had stopped smoking years ago or that was another deal breaker. Then I felt an equal partner for the first time ever. And I love it! DH only loves one other woman and that is his mother.

Second to Everyone's picture

My ex and I had a civil

My ex and I had a civil relationship and it continues to be civil since he has died. I do not make disparaging remarks about ex to my sons, but I also have made it very clear that while I loved (past tense) the person I had married, I do not love the person I divorced.

Prior to my marriage to DH, his ex called me to make sure that I knew how much she loved him, would always love him, and would go back to him in a minute if she would have him. In the past 20 years she has had that conversation repeatedly with the TwinSD40's, so they would understand that, but for him stupidly moving on with someone else, they would still be a family.

If I had thought for a minute DH felt the same way about his ex, I would have walked. He would need to figure that one out before dragging me down that gravel road.

Your SO needs to come to terms with the rules of relationships. He should not leave the impression that he "loves" two women in the same context and on the same level. If it is true that he still loves his ex to the extent of exchanging notes and phrases of endearment, then he needs to be married or living with her.

He has crossed a line between courtesy or to the mother of his children and affection for another woman. He is sending a message to his ex indicating the status of their marriage. Where that leaves you is picking up any crumbs of affection he has left over. Sounds like he does not understand the concept of marriage or divorce.

Honesty is not a defense for destructive behavior.

Don't wrestle with pigs. Everyone gets dirty, but the pigs like it.

steppingback's picture

Sammi, If you do go, I would

Sammi, If you do go, I would look at this as a test for your husband not your troublesome SD.
You know where this will go with her eventually. Watch what your Dh does when it happens. Has he learned anything? If he starts joining up against you that would be the last time ever, ever.

strugglingSM's picture

Your SO is still serving as

Your SO is still serving as an emotional outlet for his ex, that is what the problem is, in my view. He was telling her he loved her to make her feel better. That's something that is only about their personal relationship and has nothing to do with the children. When you divorce you are no longer "family" with your ex, so you shouldn't still feel love for them. You can respect them, but telling someone you love them when they are upset is reserved for very close friends and family in my book.

Do divorced people without kids still keep in touch and tell one another they love one another? No, typically, they don't even keep track of where the other person goes. Having a child with someone shouldn't change the adult aspects of the divorce, which is the breakup of an emotional relationship. It might change the interactions you have with that person, but adult relationships should still look the same. I'll caveat that by saying that I'm not friends with any of my exes and feel pretty strongly that friendships with exes can't work. In my younger years, I know there were relationships that broke up, but which I held on longer than I should have because the guy insisted on staying friends and I wanted to seem like it didn't bother me to stay friends.

The challenge with having children with an ex is that you never really get that chance to separate and have no contact, so it's easy to maintain feelings that would naturally go away once you had stopped interacting with an ex. I realize it's a tricky balance, but I think it's one of the reasons that co-parenting relationships become so fraught is because people still hold onto feelings from the relationship. How many BMs act crazy because they still love their ex husband or still feel hurt over the breakup? How many BMs still use their ex as an emotional support, thus preventing him from moving on to someone else? I'm sure the same is true to BioDads, as well.

When I met my DH, he was still taking daily calls from his ex. He was mostly serving as a whipping boy for her and listening to her complain, but he did also try to make things easier on her by giving in to her demands. I told him that I wasn't interested in being in a relationship with a man who was still in a relationship with another women. He stopped taking her calls. He had, had other girlfriends before he met me, but apparently, he didn't get serious enough with them for them to notice how tied he still was to his ex wife. His ex wife was already remarried at that time, too. I used to ask DH, "what does her husband think about the fact that talks to you for hours each week about her life? If I were him, I wouldn't be happy about it."

I'm not divorced, so maybe I just don't understand, but I can't really understand people who are divorced, yet say "we're great friends now" and "we still love one another". Why didn't they try to work things out and stay married, then? Married life isn't all about passion and feeling madly in love all the time...a lot of marriage is the "love as friends" that your SO is still sharing with his ex.

WTF...REALLY's picture

I was married for 20 years

I was married for 20 years and have two children with my ex-husband. There is no way I would ever say I love you to him because I don’t love him anymore.

Curious Georgetta's picture

Where is it written that when

Where is it written that when a court dissolves a marriage it dissolves love? Your ex is no longer your spouse but you are both your child/children's family!y. You are not playing happy family when you share events and feelings. You are 2 people who are happy to be family with your mutual children. It takes very mature people to be willing to explore the complexities of a failed marriage and to sort out the remaining feelings.

Would you be happier with your partner if he had those feelings regarding his ex but did not articulate them? At the end of the day what would be different ?

What if his need to have a partner with whom he can be honest and open is as great as your need not to have him say that which you do not wish to hear? You want him to respect your emotional boundaries and needs but you are not willing to give him the same options.

You have not said anything that suggest that this man is not loving and caring towards you.

This is an important matter and your own heart and intelligence should guide you. How much honesty are you willing to permit? If he were saying constantly that he hates his ex. you would have no
problem with that because it would be what you would prefer hearing - even if that were not necessarily true.

If you feel diminished because he can love someone
in a different way,let him go There are many men out there who will say what you want or need them to say. Life is easier that way and you do not have to deal with the complexities that come with
relationships. You might lose something special but you will gain the peace that comes with accepting the unchallenging ordinary.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Saying “I love you” to a ex

Saying “I love you” to a ex spouse is very intimate.

I get along with my ex. We are respectful of each other. But.....nope.....I would not say such an intimate thing to him that we used to say to each other. With an ex, it is so much more complications than just a simple I love you that you would say to a friend.

And I simply don’t love him like I used to. So saying the same words to him that I used to say when I truly meant it it’s just inappropriate. It’s disrespectful to him, his girlfriend, my husband and myself.

It doesn’t it make us immature. It shows that we have grown apart and have different meanings and feelings to each other now.

Curious Georgetta's picture

You make my point. You cannot

You make my point. You cannot say "I love you to your ex because of what it would mean when you say
It." When the OP's partner says it his meaning is different from your meaning. People are capable of having different outlooks and responses to the same situation with many of those outlooks being valid and true.

Maturity is respecting that love and expressions of love can vary from person to person.

If you are the type of person who says " my way is the only appropriate way " then yes you will likely see something wrong and sinister in the OP's partner's expression of a remaining platonic love for an former partner/spouse.

I use the term maturity to mean the ability to recognize that differing perspectives and points of view can be equally valid. It was not meant to cast aspersions on anyone.

I am not saying that you are wrong, but I am saying is that except as relates to you, you are not necessarily right.

This woman is not being asked to become a part of some sister relationship, she is simply hearing her partner express love for another person in a very different way.

Disneyfan's picture

Call me immature, but I will

Call me immature, but I will never accept a spouse/mate, telling a former spouse/mate that he loves her.

"Some of you nonstepparents should have disclaimers in your signature lines. Disney isn't a SM any more, but her's could read, "Was a SM. That shit is for the birds! I don't hate all SMs, though. I'm cool."" LadyFace

still learning's picture

Aren't you the Aunt who got

Aren't you the Aunt who got mad because your exBIL's daughter got told something about child support by her SM? Weren't you all up in arms about what is appropriate to say to a child?

"If you are the type of person who says " my way is the only appropriate way " "

If I'm remembering right you are not a SM and have not been in any type of step relationship. If you're married are you ok with your DH telling his ex gf's or flings that he loves them?! First rule of being a counselor is that OP's feelings are valid. She has every right to feel concerned that her man is telling his ex wife he loves her. Her SO is ok w/it, his exW is alright w/it but OP doesn't have to go along w/their little love fest.

And now I'll do what's best for me.

somethingwicked's picture

DING DING DING.. Give that

DING DING DING..
Give that Step Slop user a kewpie doll!
you win ,still learning.

That is the back story.Not a SM.

And the remaining here to fore unanswered mystery question is "Why?"

WTF...REALLY's picture

You do not know the heart of

You do not know the heart of this man and what he really means by saying it. To think you do is rather arrogant.

Curious Georgetta's picture

You make my point. You cannot

You make my point. You cannot say "I love you to your ex because of what it would mean when you say
It." When the OP's partner says it his meaning is different from your meaning. People are capable of having different outlooks and responses to the same situation with many of those outlooks being valid and true.

Maturity is respecting that love and expressions of love can vary from person to person.

If you are the type of person who says " my way is the only appropriate way " then yes you will likely see something wrong and sinister in the OP's partner's expression of a remaining platonic love for an former partner/spouse.

I use the term maturity to mean the ability to recognize that differing perspectives and points of view can be equally valid. It was not meant to cast aspersions on anyone.

I am not saying that you are wrong, but I am saying is that except as relates to you, you are not necessarily right.

This woman is not being asked to become a part of some sister relationship, she is simply hearing her partner express love for another person in a very different way.

somethingwicked's picture

Reading this is as confusing

Reading this is as confusing as trying to solve a Rubik's cube blindfolded and with one hand tied behind one's back.
WTF did not make your point.
You did not make a point either .

And OP, your spouse saying "I love you" or texting it to his EX is way out of bounds.

And if You would dig up your previous lover and partner and send him a text or email comprised of those 3 little words I bet dollars to donuts your spouse would hit the ceiling.
AND if he doesn't it does not mean he reached some undefinable or immeasurable level of maturity it means HE does NOT give a rat's pitootie if you want to roam around and cheat because chances are HE is .Or contemplating it.

Infidelity and breaking marriage vows and the sanctity of marriage partnership is not limited to only physical action but ,too, emotional betrayal , sexting ,telling someone you love them or miss them.
OP your DH should not be saying anything construed as emotion to his ex but limiting his convo to skid related stuff.
So I'd get to the bottom of his "I love you" to his ex.
And why did he share his texts with you?
Guilt?
Is he plumbing the waters to see if you are on board for an "open "marriage.
That is the dream setup for some . Bang ex wife ,current wife.
Better find out the WHY behind your Dh's wanting to show and share with you.

SacrificialLamb's picture

So as a therapist when a

So as a therapist when a patient comes to you saying that his or her spouse is texting the ex saying I love you, this would be your response?

Oh, that's right, FORMER therapist. Indeed.

ldvilen's picture

Yes, that would be the

Yes, that would be the typical therapist response. SMs are supposed to always suck it up and take it, take the high road, sacrifice for the initial family, act like the wife she is only in DH's bedroom, etc. Outside of the bedroom, SM is supposed to act more like the family servant, and kowtow at all times to the primary wife (BM). Remember, it takes a strong woman to accept that her present or future husband is still in love with another woman. Not really, but kind'a. Hmm, why is this starting to sound like a lot of the same BS abused women are often told to keep them in their place? Hmm, Stand by Your Man: "Sometimes it's hard to be a woman giving all your love to just one man, You'll have bad times and he'll have good times, Doing things that you don't understand, But if you love him you'll forgive him even though he's hard to understand, And if you love him all be proud of him cause after all he's just a man."

That's right, we are supposed to Stand by Our Man, because he's just a man. So, he can lie, cheat, steal, gamble, drink, toke, father multiple children, and so on. And, all the other sexist malarkey that goes along with taking the high road and being a "strong" woman and taking it every time your SO accidentally-on-purpose flicks his superiority your way. Sexist psychobabble.

All I can say is, if some man I'm dating is still in love with some other woman, regardless of how you want to define love, then he either a) Needs to tell me on the first date, because that would be honest. Or, b) He dang well better be keeping it to himself. Only a egotistical flake would tease me along for weeks or months, and then throw it in my face when I catch him texting such to his ex-. Now that would be extremely dishonest and acting like an a$$hole. Hmm, just like this guy is.

P.S. I never buy this argument that just because someone is being "honest," it makes it okay. Like my dad told me when I was 13, "If you're going to start smoking, you better be doing it behind my back." And he was right. The only thing worse than smoking at age 13, would have been doing it in front of his face and flaunting it.

Best thing for step-mom to do at weddings--either go looking like Sofía Vergara in a red dress and play the flaming 2nd wife to the max., or avoid the whole thing and plan a spa day with friends, people who actually care about you.

theoldredhen's picture

With all due respect, Curious

With all due respect, Curious Georgetta, your suggestion of an innocent..

~expression of a remaining platonic love for an former partner/spouse.~

constitutes hogwash under this OP's circumstances. It is completely inappropriate for a man in a committed relationship to send texts affirming 'love' to an ex partner, particularly when his current partner has expressed hurt and insecurity over those sentiments. In fact, I just asked my DH how he would react if I did the same with my ex and he stated that I'd be packing my bags if I dared to disrespect him in such a flagrant manner.

I do not consider my DH to be either an immature or particularly jealous man and further, am convinced that any reasonable married person would support his sentiments.

mapitout's picture

Bingo!

Bingo!

mapitout's picture

Come on Curious Georgetta,

Come on Curious Georgetta, get real!

notasm3's picture

Love is a choice. You cannot

Love is a choice. You cannot force yourself to love someone, but you can stop loving someone if you want to (takes time). He is choosing to keep loving her. At least he's being honest with you that he loves another woman.

You can do what works for you with that knowledge. You can accept being one of many. Or you can choose to stop loving him and hopefully move on to a binary love relationship.

"Education is not the filling of a pail, but rather the lighting of a fire." William Butler Yeats

somethingwicked's picture

dupe

dupe

notasm3's picture

When people have a "love

When people have a "love relationship" that involves bumping uglies one cannot just go back to this is a platonic "love relationship".

"Education is not the filling of a pail, but rather the lighting of a fire." William Butler Yeats

BethAnne's picture

That might be your experience

That might be your experience but it is not universally true.

Tomatoe's picture

He loved her and he will

He loved her and he will always love her. That doesn't mean he is IN love with her. If you can't live with that then you need to move on and find someone else because no matter what you say he can't help how he feels and he won't magically not love her cause you said so.

Tomatoe's picture

He loved her and he will

He loved her and he will always love her. That doesn't mean he is IN love with her. If you can't live with that then you need to move on and find someone else because no matter what you say he can't help how he feels and he won't magically not love her cause you said so.

ldvilen's picture

Also, people need to be

Also, people need to be aware, esp. young, naïve, single women, that it is very possible for a couple to separate, with the understanding among both that they can take a looksee and experiment and see what’s out there, and then if they can’t find anything better, then they’ll just get back together in the end and stay married. They don’t tell the people they are dating this is the plan. Their only concern is to have fun and see what’s out there. And, along the same lines. . . you hear all the time about divorced couples having a go at a "pitty poke."

Given that sort of environment, I would say it goes without saying that if you are dating a divorced person and that person even remotely implies in any way that they are still in love with their ex-, you’d best be served by packing your bags and leaving while you still have some dignity. Why would you even want to remotely risk getting horribly dumped or getting pregnant and having this man go back to his “ex’,” or why would you want to risk a past “pitty poke,” along with all the details, being thrown in your face later by a vengeful SO or his ex-?

My brother just got divorced after 25 years, basically because his wife wanted to go-online and see if she could find a better deal. The first time, my brother forgave her and was willing to go to counseling to work it out. Months later when his wife approached him with the “let’s stay married and still do others’ deal,” he said enough is enough and he/they proceeded with the divorce. He was smart, but not everyone is. Move on, is right.

Best thing for step-mom to do at weddings--either go looking like Sofía Vergara in a red dress and play the flaming 2nd wife to the max., or avoid the whole thing and plan a spa day with friends, people who actually care about you.

mapitout's picture

"Is this normal? Am I just

"Is this normal? Am I just being jealous?"
No and No, DH is being disrespectful of your feelings. By now, he knows when he's pushing your buttons. What an idiotic thing to do!

"By him saying "I love you" to her, and then saying it to me I feel like it's emotional cheating."
It is! It was inconsiderate of his primary relationship, YOU!

"We are in a monogamous relationship so saying this to someone, especially since he's been in a romantic and obviously physical relationship, I feel is different than saying to a friend or family member. I might say I love you to my close friend but I never have sex with them so by definition would literally mean "just as friends."
Your the healthy one here. It sounds like DH was trying to get a rise out of you, which he did, and got his little dick of an ego stroked. Next time, tell him if he needs a stroking take a shower and stroke away, you won't bother him!

Harry's picture

There are some of the

There are some of the reasons. That people objected to people playing Happy Family. There is more to it than they let on

blueskies4me's picture

DUMP HIM DUMP HIM DUMP HIM.

DUMP HIM
DUMP HIM
DUMP HIM.

Not my kid, not my problem!

Superstepper's picture

IMO, you are wasting your

IMO, you are wasting your precious time and you should pull the plug!

Before marrying DH I was involved with a man who was divorced with 2 teenage daughters who he poisoned against their mother so I didn't have to deal with her ever. All I heard is what a whore this woman was and bla bla bla.
Except I did have to deal with her because despite what he said to me, I knew he was in love with his ex wife and pinning away for her immensely. He would recollect their happier times to me and never stopped to think how that made me feel. He talked about her so much it was nauseating. I ignored it and we continued on dating for about 3 years. One day out of the clear blue he dumped me like it was nothing. In fact, it was via text.

His ex went on to marry the man she left him for and that nearly broke him. He became so upset he couldn't find his own happiness. So I am glad now that he dumped me, there truly isn't enough room in the emotional human heart to be splitting those kinds of feeling among multiple people. Someone gets hurt and if he isn't over her after 5 years, he will probably always carry a torch and any children he has with her will remind him more of her especially difficult if the child looks like her.

twoviewpoints's picture

"He had given his child

"He had given his child support payment and she was emotionally distraught."

I'm curious as to why BM was "emotionally distraught" by receiving the CS? Why would BM be distraught over getting a routine CS payment? I could understand being distraught if she really needed CS and feared it wasn't coming or he wasn't paying and in arrears, but you indicate he sent CS (or at least sent for this month).

I could even understand stand a BM sending a heart ( hey, I imagine most CPs are loving the sight of the monthly CS check, yep loving that money). Doesn't necessarily mean BM 'loves' her ex, could just be BM loves getting CS Laughing out loud

So the more I thought the more curiosity grew. So the BM sent a heart because she got her CS. Fine, dandy. But why was she "emotionally distraught" over getting the CS and why was your partner calming her distraught with " I love you , nerd" ?

That just makes no sense. *shrugs*

Livingoutloud's picture

Was CS payment smaller or

Was CS payment smaller or actually bigger than expected?

Was she distraught due to unusual amount?

My exDH sent me and my DH unexpected Wedding gift: check for 1k. I was shocked telling him that it’s too generous and he responded that he and SM are just very happy for us. No he didn’t respond saying he loves me. So was BM distraught due to unusual amount?