My inadequatcies as a person
The following is writen to my partner. When attempting to communicate these feelings he said I was overreacting to a simple walk on the pier and that I'm crazy. Due to my social anxiety and inability hi communicate to him my feelings he wants me or us to seek out counceling which as a whole other discussion. This is what I felt today:
I go with you to have breakfast with your sister and mother. You act supportive in the car placing your hand on mine. Surprise we get the kids to go also. The are wearing absurd clothes that embarrass me. ImmedIetly you act differnt and animate for the kids without any communication to me. I keep quiet so you can be happy go lucky with your kids. We get to the resturant I'm anxious and nervous as hell not knowing what to do around people that know I'm socially insecure and that know I don't want to be around your kids and them. I order drinks to help myself in the situation since I get nothing from you. I am able to connect with the youngest...the one I like. Brunch goes well. On the way out I ask I we have to walk on the pier now. You say no I'm tired and want to nap. I ask if the kids are comin with us you say yeah...wtf are you going to nap. The oldest asks if we're walking o. The pier and you say yeah. You want me to communicate but when I do you don't give me answers. I ask what to expect and I get nothing or answers that will change to whatever your daughter wants. I feed completely inadequate and not worthy of you since you'll give you daughter whatever they want leaving me to guess, which you know increases my anxiety. I go use the bathroom and go to cetch up at the pier but no one is out there. Instead of waiting at the cars I wait at the bar and read a newspaper until getting a text back that it's time to leave.
Why even both asking me to
Why even both asking me to come if you dont want to listen to what I have to say. Or reply to me as if what you say means nothing. Brunch went well why can't you stand up for yourself and tell the little brat you don't want to do what she wants. They are your kids but that doesn't mean they get whatever they
CHILDREN ARE YOUR CHILDREN NOT YOUR FRIENDS! AS A PARENT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO MAKE THEM LIKE YOU, THATS WHY YOUR THE DAMN PARENT! Fuck!!
And, actually...if I wanted
And, actually...if I wanted to walk on the pier and DH said no...but then said yes to the same thing to his daughter, I would be really hurt and frustrated. I don't think she has issues that are insurmountable. It is difficult to go out with an entire family unit and have no one think about your needs or desires...just be a happy family together with you as...what? An audience? She just needs to be with someone more considerate.
Hey girl, we've got your back
Hey girl, we've got your back here. Keep writing. The part that shines like a neon sign to me is the part about the nap. So who's going to watch these brats while he is napping? Survey says?
You!
Keep your sanity and disengage now.
Maybe her issues are simply
Maybe her issues are simply too much for him to handle. Just reading this one post has me thinking there's no way I would marry, much less date someone that needy. It's exhausting.
IF that's his problem, there's nothing wrong it. However, he needs to own it/admit it and walk away from this.
I have some questions, before
I have some questions, before posting my opinion:
(1) Are you socially insecure with all people, or do you just feel this way around his family?
(2) Do you have friends you socialize with outside your DH, his friends, his family?
(3) Do you have hobbies, go shopping, go to the gym, etc.?
(4) Do you spend time pampering yourself and thus recharging for your marriage?
I do all of the above and therefore spending time what my DH and doing what he wants to do is not a problem. Just asking?????
Sh64: The reason I ask the
Sh64: The reason I ask the questions here on my post above; for years (30+) I felt very insecure around my grown Skids, especially SD. My grown SS's not so much. I just sucked it up and moved on, so I could spend the time with my DH. When we did anything as a family, didn't matter what it was, I felt left out. I was ignored and basically put down if I said or did anything. I was shunned and DH ignored me, as long as his DD was present. They had their own private jokes and said and did things to hurt my feelings and make me feel unwanted. I always kept asking myself what I was doing wrong.
One day I woke up. I found this site and knew at once I had allowed myself to feel this way and be treated badly. I seriously considered seeing a counselor; I really couldn't afford to pay hourly to learn what I have learned here on Stalk. This site is priceless. Please read here daily and learn. Vent when you need to vent. I read daily here; it is my daily therapy.
I found that I dramatized and imagined a lot of events that happened too. Now I am totally disengaged from my grown SD56 and SGD31 (mother/daughter) and don't care whether SD lives or dies. I don't wish her dead, but I could care less what she is doing, thinking, or if she is even alive. She is OUT of my life. Now this was the most difficult step I've taken in my marriage; DH was livid, we separated for a time, and it is still a touchy subject, which we do not discuss; why?, because I let them do this too long.
You do what you have to do to heal yourself and to take care of yourself. Just go slow and think it through. I have a short fuse and caused myself a bit more hurt than I should have; only because I am not a patient person. I have learned to take it much slower, be patient, keep it between the lines, give myself down time, and sleep on it before taking action. I also learned how to ignore and not care. There are still times, I feel very lonely. My DH is welcome to spend as much time with his kids, grandkids, and his friends as he wishes, anytime he wishes.
With that said, I choose when I want to join him; he has learned to accept this. Our marriage is much better, because there is no misunderstanding on how it is now. We've been married 37 years and I refuse to let our life be disrupted by anyone else, his family nor my family. SD and SGD have been told to leave me alone and stay away from me.
One last thing, you have to let it all go, especially any jealousy; never look back or bring up the past. Since I've learned to let it go, I am a healthy person and I am in control of my destiny.
I am sorry you feel so lonely, but YOU can correct it by giving yourself a life and still keep you marriage. If that is not possible, then for sure give yourself a life.
((((hugs))))