tankh21's picture

Just have to hang in there I guess....

So DH went to go see his lawyer about BM and what she has been doing. The lawyer said that we could file a motion to get the CO modified to make the pick up and drops at the police station and make BM use family wizard however, as soon as that happens she is going to definitely going to file for an increase in CS. She cannot do that for another two years unless we file a motion. So DH has decided to wait until BM takes him back to court to file the motion to get the CO modified. As far as the harassment goes the lawyer told DH to just document everything and ignore BM. He told him to stop arguing with her. When DH told the lawyer what BM did he said that he is within his rights to make decisions while the skids are on his visitation time. He has to let BM know what is going on but she cannot dictate his decisions and harass him about it.

ESMOD's picture

Has something happened that

Has something happened that you haven't blogged about? From reading your posts.. it seems like your DH and his EX mutually bicker on their messaging back and forth... and that he is often passive aggressive saying things like "check the CO".. when he could simply give her a straight answer. On her part, it seems that she second guesses him on things like taking care of the kids..and can't keep details straight.. and likes to play a bit fast and loose with what the CO says.

TBH, it seems like it would be silly to ramp things up (again passive aggressive) by forcing her to go to a police station for pick ups and drop offs.

As far as using family wizard.. it would probably benefit both of them since they have a hard time being civil with each other. Like his lawyer said. "stop arguing with her".. Just communicate as necessary and when she tries to start up with him.. he just needs to say. Kid is with me, I can make this decision and you will have to trust me on that. When he is with you, you can do differently. Then ignore her "blowback".

Remember, they are just words. Her calling him a POS father doesn't MEAN he IS one right? If he is doing the right thing then he is not going to have a problem.

I would be verrry reluctant to open the can of worms that might result in a higher CS obligation and ramp up hostility. The more cooperative parents are.. the better for the kids who are stuck in the middle. I know it sounds like the BM is annoying (asking for clarifications on stuff she knows.. and asking for modifications)... but it also sounds like your DH doesn't mind giving it right back at her. It does take two to argue.. maybe if he refuses to engage in that part it would help.

Tomatoe's picture

It would be a bad idea for dh

It would be a bad idea for dh to do family wizard. Bm would have proof of your dh not being cooperative. She would ask him a question on there and he won't answer and just tells her to check the CO when she has a question about it will look bad on him.

DirtyDiane's picture

I don't see that as a

I don't see that as a problem. Because BM asks a question of DH, is he obligated to answer? Maybe she is asking excessively. Her DH is not BMs personal assistant. BM is well aware of what the court order says. If they are high conflict, the less they communicate the better.

I know for my DH, BM would ask him a question about a time or something and he would answer. The next day, she would ask literally the same question again! As if the original response wasn't one text up in her phone.

Tomatoe's picture

Okay then. Lol

Okay then. Lol

DirtyDiane's picture

Lol. Okay.

Lol. Okay.

Aunt Agatha's picture

The SO's ex in my life has

The SO's ex in my life has pulled many of these stunts. His lawyer offered similar advice. Say something once and ignore the crazy.

It can take these guys a while to buy into the game plan (after all, they've spent years in these messed up, fighting oriented relationships). But take away the crazy BMs feed (I.e. arguing her nonsense back) and eventually the BM will find a lack of engagement no fun.

My SO still slips up from time to time, but since he's become less fun for her because he argues way less, things have improved overall. Plus, the skids are preteens to teens and they refuse to be controlled by her anymore.

Hang in there!

strugglingSM's picture

I try to convince DH to just

I try to convince DH to just ignore BM and stop arguing with her. She's just trying to retain some connection with him and find someone to blame when she feels her life is out of control.

She's also a big fan of asking for confirmation multiple times. If you tell someone that yes, you will do something, there's no need for you to have to confirm again three more times.

tankh21's picture

There is two issues as to why

There is two issues as to why DH went to go see the lawyer #1 BM was video conferencing my SS and then him showing her the inside of our house. My guess is she wanted to see the inside of our house to see if there was anything she could use against DH to build up her "case" against him. #2 SS got hit by another kid swinging at school on a Friday when it was DH's weekend. BM didn't take SS to the doctor and sent over some Orajel and wrote on a Ziploc bag what DH needs to do. SS's lip swelled up a little bit on Saturday and BM waits until 9:00 pm at night to text my DH and tell him that he needs to take SS to the emergency room right then and there for his swollen lip. DH had checked SS's lip before he went to bed at 8:30 pm. When BM texted DH was asleep because he had to work early the next day. When DH didn't answer BM's texts she kept on texting several times after I had told SS to tell BM that DH checked SS before he went to bed and that if it was worse in the morning that he would be taken to the urgent care clinic. I have no idea what BM was texting SS on his phone. Well in morning BM started blowing up DH's phone because he didn't answer the phone the night before. DH told her that he was asleep because he had to work and that he checked on SS and if his lip got worse that he would take him to the urgent care clinic. She then started with her threats. He was at work at the time so he ignored her. She then go even more pissed and more threats started pouring in. I took SS to the urgent care clinic and they gave him some antibiotics. The doctor said he just had a little bit of inflammation but nothing that required going to the emergency room the night before. BM just thinks she knows everything and everyone else is dumb so DH needs to listen to her since she is an LVN.

ESMOD's picture

1. I believe the video

1. I believe the video conferencing thing happened in concert with the injury to his mouth.. I think that you are reading way too much into what he was doing with the video chat thing. Unless he had the phone walking through the house panning around to his surroundings away from himself.. you are being too paranoid. And, in the end... who cares if she sees the inside of your house? I mean while she has no right to, you don't have used heroin kits and firearms laying about do you??? You aren't making the kid sleep in a cage or cardboard box right? So your house isn't spotless.. whatevs. the court won't care.

2. The fact that the doctor did prescribe antibiotics does read volumes that it wasn't just "nothing". The injury likely became infected during his time at your house. No, not your fault that it happened.. but the initial injury was really fresh when he got there and it developed. It sounds like only after extreme badgering by her was the kid taken to urgent care where he ultimately got NEEDED antibiotics. Honestly, this does look kind of bad on your DH that he didn't take him to urgent care sooner. I don't think it was to the point of needing to go to the ER.. but perhaps he downplayed what he saw on his 8:30 check and maybe the child should have gone to see someone earlier that day? Hind sight is always 20/20 though.

3. Your DH has a communication issue with his EX. I am fairly certain he knew Saturday that she called right? He chose to not deal with it then... and it escalated. That is the risk he takes with her isn't it. Avoid her (let her stew) and it only gets worse for him. You would think he would learn to just be upfront and straightforward with her. But I am guessing part of him likes the fact that he can get her panties in a twist. Unfortunately, you internalize the frustration of all of this and take it personally and YOU get in a knot too. You need to disengage from his BM communications. When he starts complaining to you.. tell him to stop.. that until HE learns to deal with her effectively, you don't need to hear about it.

tankh21's picture

Well my thing is if BM was so

Well my thing is if BM was so concerned about it then she should've taken him to the doctor on her time before 6:00 pm on that Friday because it didn't happen on DH's visitation time. If she would've taken her kid to the doctor then the doctor could've said well if it gets worse then he will need to come back in and\or get antibiotics. To me it was set up and done on purpose because DH didn't hear from BM all day long and then all of the sudden she texts at 9:00 pm at night. BM just need to chill out and let DH make decisions on his visitation time. It CO states that it is 50/50 custody which means that it's equal and he is able to make decisions for his kids when they are with him.

ESMOD's picture

Well.. you said that there

Well.. you said that there wasn't much swelling immediately.. maybe she was trying to not be overanxious and obligate everyone to medical bills if they weren't needed. But.. after the fact when it got worse, she thought differently.

Sure, she could have taken him at the time, but to go to here "come back if it gets worse".. when it initially isn't all that bad seems silly.

Her badgering isn't good.. but when your DH doesn't respond it ramps up her frenzy.

tankh21's picture

It seems like you are always

It seems like you are always on her side or defending her. I hate to tell you this but, my DH has the shorter end of the stick when it comes to things especially in their CO so I am sticking to what I know and she is a dumb b****!!!

twoviewpoints's picture

I totally disagree with your

I totally disagree with your take on the school incident. This happening at school on school playground during school time. Kid would have been sent down to office , office would have called BM .

If BM was so worried about sparing (LOL) everyone money on medical bills, she had plenty of time to take this kid into his regular dr office before closing time on Friday late afternoon. It sure is far cheaper to pay a $20 or so co-pay than to wait and see if things got worse. What? Wait on a Friday after five o'clock?

The kid was smacked in the mouth with an outside dirty swing. Uh, not a surprise there was potential for infection. Mouth with open cut from dirty swing going into the weekend. WTH was BM thinking? Orajel? Seriously? Orajel?

missjoyfulme's picture

Mouths rarely get infected.

Mouths rarely get infected. MD put him on antibiotics most probably prophylactically. And when a parent brings a kid into the ER for non urgent issues, often you will get antibiotics even if you dont need them so that the parent feels like they got something for their money/time and to reduce the physician/ER liability. I have been an ER RN for decades. I would not have taken my kid to the ER for a cut lip, even a swollen one. Ice and OTC pain reliever and orajel. It will swell more. If it wasn't red, oozing or other signs of infection then it is just the body healing itself. Don't get caught in her drama.

tankh21's picture

LOL BM thinks she knows

LOL BM thinks she knows everything and no one else better tell her otherwise. Regardless my SS needed to go to the doctor or not it didn't require a trip to the ER like BM wanted.

tankh21's picture

The lawyer also said that BM

The lawyer also said that BM is high conflict. DH showed him the text messages.

missjoyfulme's picture

Tank21. You have a High

Tank21. You have a High Conflict BM and your DH is feeding this fire. Maybe not on purpose but just habit and trying to be an easy going guy. You cannot cannot cannot co-parent with a high conflict person. Stop drinking that Koolaide. Please go read "Say Goodbye to Crazy".
Great book, follow the advise. It worked for us and life is getting so so so much better.
Basic rules. 1. email only. 2. BIFF (Brief, Factual, Firm and Friendly, or at least nonemotional) 3. Parallel Parenting.
4. Disengage. 5. If you need to read his emails before he gets in the habit of BIFF the do that. 6. Not every email needs a response, think does it. 7. Transfers are at public place and NO talk or interaction between parents. 8. No texting, phone calls, etc all communicaiton is email.

tankh21's picture

We have to file a motion to

We have to file a motion to get the CO changed in order to get BM to meet in a neutral place and to use family wizard or email. She refuses to comply. She doesn't want to have to do anything because in the CO it states my DH has to do drop offs and pick ups.