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DH's visitation weekend

tankh21's picture

So BM texts last night letting DH know that OSS will be going to Dallas on the weekend of May 18th and 19th which is DH's weekend. She cannot dictate whether or not OSS can go since it is DH's visitation weekend? Won't that make her in contempt? If DH says it's ok then that is another story???


Acratopotes's picture

Depends on why he's going to Dallas.... if it's a school thing tough luck for DH, if it's pleasure then sorry BM, DH can say NO..

but why would he?

WalkOnBy's picture

Wrong-even if it is a school thing, it is not her weekend, and therefore not her decision to make.

Acratopotes's picture

neither is it OP's decision to make...

BM gave them notice, DH can still say yes or NO...

tankh21's picture

It is BM's manner that is offending she told DH in the text that OSS is going to Dallas regardless if that harpy gave notice or not she should've asked not told. DH gets upset because BM just talks to him like he is a POS.

ESMOD's picture

Punishing the child because you don't like the way she told your husband about this trip is petty. That's what he would be doing if he vetoes the trip. Honestly, if she had "asked" instead of "told" would you have less of a problem with it?

We all already know you don't care for his kids so I kind of feel like you would be ok with your DH (in fact might encourage) pushing back and saying "no, it's my weekend, I will not waver, he comes with me and misses trip". But, again, the only person that really hurts is OSS. And in the end, what have you gained?

You will have a BM who will be no less combative.. perhaps more. It's not like this is going to make her treat your DH any differently.
You will have a child in your home who will have even more reason to act up and be angry.
I just don't think your husband would be acting in your and his best interest if he prevents the child from going on the trip.

Acratopotes's picture

this is the problem... communication....

in BM's mind it might sound like a question..

OSS is going to Dallas on your week-end ?

yes some people do ask in such a manner, telling/asking... I simply tell SO ask me straight out don't try and turn a decision/thought into a question ASK.... BM might be on of these people... her statements are more looking for confirmations then an actual statement

but I would not turn this into war... seems like both parents are using the children to piss off the other parent

WalkOnBy's picture

Acra - when someone tells someone else that something is going to happen, by definition they are not asking. They are telling.

Huge difference, dear...

Acratopotes's picture

if I tell you in a question form.. it's asking....

maybe I'm just use to people talking this why, maybe it's not happening there....

but if you make a statement with your voice raised at the end - we take it more as a question,
IF BM put a question mark behind her statement, I would take it as open for discussion she's asking...


Lights off, vs lights off?

WalkOnBy's picture

Nope - here, let me illustrate it for you.

Acra, I am taking kid to Dallas on your weekend.


Acra, kid has this thing in Dallas that falls on your weekend. Would you be able to take him or would it be better to switch weekends?

One is demanding another human over whom you have no control do something. The other is asking if an exception can be made. Demand vs ask - it's really not that hard.

Acratopotes's picture

then it's simply a difference in humans...

your eg: Acra, I'm taking kid to Dallas on your weekend ? (Martian custom this is a question not a demand if you leave the ? away it's a demand.)

secret's picture

if BM just said "OSS is going to Dallas on your weekend", it's not saying she's taking him, it's just saying it falls on his weekend.

BM didn't demand anything, and she didn't ask any questions. A factual statement is just that.

Tank and DH already know it's for a band thing..... so it's not even a question of DH doing bm a favor....

If DH wants to discuss it, it's up to him - he can say it's his weekend and he disagrees....but what's he going to do, say no to the school because he wants his weekend?

he can demand to change weekends with BM... but really, why is his time more important than hers? Why should he get one of her weekends? They're both losing time... why should she need to give him hers to make up for it? Think he will give one up for her when the next event falls on her weekend?

She only informed him the kid will not be around on that weekend. If he wants to spend time with the kid that bad, he can go with.

She doesn't have to ask permission. It's not HER taking time, it's the school. Up to the school to ask permission... that's what permission slips are for... is DH selfish enough to refuse OSS's trip because he wants to play that catch Saturday afternoon? Come on.

WalkOnBy's picture

His time is more important than hers because he has so much less of it.

Would you be okay with your XH telling you that your kid was going to be gone during your time??

secret's picture

Honestly it depends on WHY the kid was going to be gone during my time.

If it's for something out of anyone's control, such as a school event, it is what it is... you win some you lose some. Some things will fall on his time, just as some will fall on hers. I'm not going to deny my child taking part in a school trip just because I want them around.

If it was because he has a family thing - I would expect he ask, because it's my time. I have the option of saying no.
If it was because he decided to sign them up for some extra curricular activity that falls on my time, I would expect he ask, because it's my time. I have the option of saying no.

Dad has the option of saying no to this trip. Who is that really hurting?

There is nothing stopping him from saying Hey... I don't get a lot of time with him as it is... do you think I can have extra time? There's also nothing stopping her from saying no. Just as if the kids are with him and she wants them for something, he can say no. But this isn't her... it's school.

What happens when kid needs to stay after school for something? Will dad say no to the school because it's his time? My kids are all in high school... they regularly have things they stay later at school for, both on my time and on dad's time. It's just the way it goes... it's not like it's one parent screwing time away from the other parent... it's school. It's part of life.

When kid wants to go out and do other things on dad's time... out with friends... job... girlfriends... is dad going to ask mom for more time because junior wants other things in his life?

WalkOnBy's picture

we actually don't know that it's really a school thing, though. BM is saying that it is, but having been through my share of school related activities, I find it hard to believe that dad didn't know about it? Hell, when ASS went to Hawaii with the marching band, it was announced two years before. The kids fund raised for two years - every parent knew what was going on long before said trip.

I would think that dad would have known about said band trip, which is why I am a little skeptical about the actual reason. I also am curious as to whether BM expects dad to cough up the money for the trip. As another poster said, if BM is obligating the other household to an unexpected expense, that's not right.

Finally, as you point out, dad has the option to say no - which is what I said, but with which you disagreed. I agree with you - dad has the option to say no to this trip, for whatever reason he wants. If it's for a petty reason, that's wrong, but if it's for a legitimate reason, then it's not and it isn't ever BM's place to decide how her XH should feel about something.

secret's picture

I'm pretty sure I read that Tank said it was for a band field trip. In Dallas. She lives in Texas. It's not like it's across the country... it's probably a few hours by bus, at most. It doesn't need 2 years to plan and save for. I also didn't read anything about how there's a big chunk of change he's got to dish out, but I guess it's a possibility. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not... DH can certainly rectify the lack of knowledge by communicating with the school.

If it's not true, DH can always say no.

Even if it is true, DH can always say no. What I disagreed with, is that he's not saying no to BM, he`s saying no to the SCHOOL.

If is IS true, and BM got the information from the school and dad didn't, she'd know before him of course... unless dad takes the time to try and find out what's upcoming, proactively, of course she'll know what's coming up before dad does, since she's the primary parent who receives school communiqués. Maybe she just found out, and texted dad to let him know. We don't have those pesky tiny details that make all the difference in how something is viewed.

Hawaii isn't in the same state, you know? It's a BIG trip. Not a bus ride. Fundraising is needed. Many things are needed.

My middle daughter went to Windsor earlier this year, in October, for 3 days... it fell on my week. We (parents) were told about it mid-September. The kids needed about 160$ for accommodations and food over the 3 days... I gave her 250$ so she could have a little fun, she came back with 40$. Windsor is about 8 hours away from where I am, they went by Greyhound.

About the expenses, though, if there are some that need to be paid.... at least she's saying it now, 5 months before, rather than the weekend before. It gives a chance to DH to save up rather than be screwed at the last minute.

WalkOnBy's picture

Yes, tank did say that it was for a school trip, but that's why I am suspect. It could be that the BM is not being honest, right?

I mean, most of those kinds of trips are published on the school or activity calendar. I find it hard to believe that dad didn't know about it, but I guess he could just not be aware or involved??

And I don't distinguish who is being told point was that this should be dad's decision to make since it's on his time. Tell BM no, tell the school no, still his call.

tankh21's picture

Thank you WalkonBy that is the point that I was trying to get across. DH pretty much said all of the same things that everyone is posting on here. He said OSS is growing up and he doesn't want him to miss out on an opportunity to go on a school trip for something that he enjoys he was upset at the fact that BM was just telling him OSS is going to Dallas on your weekend and that was it. I mean it's no surprise that BM acts this way towards him and he shouldn't get offended. I just think that he gets the short end of the stick most of the time.

WalkOnBy's picture

So, did your DH know about this trip in advance? Does he get school emails, is he in regular contact with the school?

It might be helpful for you to clear up some of the questions posters there a cost associated with this trip? Will your household be asked to fund some/all??

Do you KNOW this is a band trip??

Inquiring minds want to know Smile

tankh21's picture

Nope, he didn't know about the trip until last night and he doesn't get school emails which is totally his fault. The only time he is in contact with the school was one time when BM wanted him to pick up OSS from school because he was sick. I would assume there is a cost associated with this trip and I have no idea if he will be asked to fund some of it. I just assumed it was for band because that is the only activity OSS is in at school.

secret's picture

Ok, so I'm getting the sense that the only real issue here is that he's upset because he found out via bm.

Whether he found out by her or by the school doesn't change anything. It's still on his weekend, and he still has the option of saying no... unless he's prevented from saying no due to school decisions by custodial parent...

tankh21's picture

No secret...he's upset that BM said that he was going on the trip on his weekend. It was the way the text was said not the fact that he find out by BM. I mean it is great that she let him know so much in advance.

secret's picture

The trip would still be on his weekend regardless of whether BM told him or not. You mentioned that he'd have let OSS go anyway, because he wouldn't stand in the way.

I'm not reading BM's text with the same tone as you guys are interpreting it...

"OSS is going to Dallas for a school trip on May 18th and 19th which falls on your weekend"

To me, that's informative. As in - hey, by the way, OSS has this school thing, and it happens to fall on your weekend.

If I received a text like that from my ex-h, I would respond with "ok so what do you want to do?" and we would go from there.

I understand, though, that you feel like it's self-righteous and gloat-y... kind of like she's not giving him a choice on the matter... at the same time, it's a school thing, the only choice should be "yes he can go", as much as possible.

is there really a choice, though? What reason would DH have to say no? Maybe she assumed DH wouldn't have an issue with OSS going on the school trip... and by what you were saying about your DH's thoughts on the trip, sounds like she might be right with that assumption.

Either way, I wouldn't dwell on it.

It does suck, though, getting a text from the ex about how things will be.

Teas83's picture

I see what you're saying to an extent, but from what the OP has said I get the impression this BM likes control and isn't willing to compromise (just like the BMs a lot of us deal with). The OP knows the BM in her situation and knows what her intentions with that text were. It sounds like you and your ex have a better relationship than others.

If the BM in my situation sent that text, it would definitely be her TELLING my husband that he can't see their daughter on his weekend and she would be very gleeful about it. I also know she wouldn't be willing to compromise and give my husband an extra weekend to make up for it. So regardless of how exactly a text is worded, when you know the person you're dealing with you know what their intentions are.

tankh21's picture

I also find it hilarious that BM actually looked up if this trip falls on DH's weekend because every other time she is too lazy to look it up on the CO or a calendar and has to text DH and ask him when his weekends are and give him a hassle about it.

secret's picture

lol, I see it differently... mostly because anytime anything comes up for my kids, the first thing I ask is... are you at your dad's or are you here on those days?

Then... if at dad's... "you'll have to ask your dad then"

Except for school stuff, I don't... they're going on a school trip... and that's it.

I have to admit, there was one time where I signed up the kids for something on ex's time without consulting him, and I "told" him.

My text was along the lines of "hey, you know the kids have been wanting to do X for some time... I got a great deal on it, so I booked it, but it falls on your week."

His response?

"ok cool."

secret's picture

of course it could be dishonestly from BM. Dad can easily find that out.... and say no if it's untrue.

Maybe he's uninvolved about school activities etc, but maybe it was just put out and he hadn't looked at it yet, maybe he didn't look because most school activities happen during the week and it never crossed his mind that it would fall on a weekend... this isn't an hour or two for a recital that might fall on his weekend, that doesn't really affect his visitation...

It should be his decision because it's his time, technically yes, but it would also depends on the CO, wouldn't it?

are they jointly responsible for decisions about this type of thing, or not? If she's the one with decision making power over school matters... then he's up the creek, no?

I definitely distinguish as to who is being told no - because in one situation, one parent gets the time and the other doesn't...totally reasonable to request a switch.... in this situation, neither parent gets the time, so switching would take away from the other. (I'm not saying it shouldn't happen, I think most people don't mind switching, but I also don't think it's fair to demand it.)

WalkOnBy's picture

tank popped back in and I asked her some of those questions. Here's hoping she can clear things up Smile

WalkOnBy's picture

No, it's not. IF something comes up on a weekend that belongs to dad, mom should ASK if a switch can be made.

That weekend is DAD'S time, and BM should NOT unilaterally make a decision about something on dad's time.

Teas83's picture

I agree with everything you've said on this post. BM can't dictate what OSS is doing on dad's time. And yes, there is a difference between asking and telling. BM could have gone about this differently by mentioning the trip and ASKING if OSS can go on it.

"OSS has a band trip on a weekend that he is supposed to be with you. Could he go on the trip? Maybe we could swap weekends around or something to make up for it." <<<<<< Dad would be far more receptive to this kind of communication than just being TOLD what is going to happen on his time.

Since Dad doesn't see OSS very often, I wouldn't blame him for saying no to the trip. I don't like seeing a kid miss out on a trip like this though, so hopefully BM would allow Dad to have an extra weekend if he allows OSS to go on the trip.

WalkOnBy's picture

this was the way in which Medusa "co-parented" with DH. Always making plans with the skids on DH's time, and then telling him how it was going to be.

Telling him that he owed her XYZ because she had signed one of them up for something without his consent and what do you know, it fell on his time.

Telling him that she was going to shorten his weekends with the skids because she had made plans.

From my own life - Asshat is a multimillionaire. Legitimately a millionaire. I got a lot of CS. A. Lot. I used it to pay for things that my kids needed - housing, food, clothes - and I also used it to pay for Forensics, football, prom dresses and tuxedos, school sponsored trips, vacations, etc. I never told Asshat that he had to give me one more dime other than that which he was ordered to pay. I also never asked him for more money for anything.

I never made plans on his time. If something came up, and it was on his time, I would tell the kid in question "better check with dad."

It's not hard to NOT be a dick when it comes to co-parenting.

Teas83's picture

BM in my situation also signs SD9 up for things without asking my husband ahead of time. Then she sends him the receipts and says he owes her 95% of it (as outlined in the their CO). However, the part of the CO she chooses to ignore is that part that says both parties must agree to the extra expenses.

WalkOnBy's picture

Yep - Medusa pulled that shit, too.

I have explained Medusa math before but a refresher is likely in order Smile

She would add up every single thing she spent money on - gas, bills, insurance, car payment, clothes, credit card bills, I mean every single thing - and then divide it by four - the number of people in her house. THEN she would divide that in half and tell DH that he owed her half and since the child support was not enough to cover "his half" he should pay the difference Smile

She actually stood in a court room and told the Judge that DH was "over 30K in arrears" - according to HER math Smile

Disneyfan's picture

Why is he going and what does dad have planned for that weekend?

Since mom is giving him this much notice, it must be something that is a big deal to the kid and/or her.

WalkOnBy's picture

Who cares if it’s important to her? It’s Dad‘s time-the proper way to handle this would have been to engage in a conversation asking if a weekend could be switched.

These GUBMs-they drive me crazy

Disneyfan's picture

Her delivery sucks.

But if he doesn't have anything planned, saying no just because mom is an ass will only hurt the kid.

WalkOnBy's picture

True, but we don't know if he would say no just to be a jerk. Nor does it sound like the BM said "hey, there's this thing in Dallas that kid wants to attend, but it's on your weekend. Wanna switch??"

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

It doesn't matter what dad has planed that weekend. Should he lose his time every weekend of BM comes up with some magical speical event.

BM has every other weekend in guessing to plan stuff. Why is she doing it this weekend?

tankh21's picture

It's for some band field trip for the weekend and BM didn't ask she just said that OSS is going to Dallas and it falls on your weekend. Not even asking just telling but that is the way BM is self-righteous and then if DH says no he will look like the bad guy.

ESMOD's picture

Honestly, for a school activity related trip, I personally wouldn't make this any kind of hill to die on. She obviously let him know well in advance so that dad wouldn't plan on anything. Unless BM is going, it's not like she is getting over on him and getting more time with the boy. If she is going, I think it would be reasonable for your DH to ask what weekend she is willing to give back to him in exchange.

Honestly, it's not like she schemed with the school band to have this trip (which might include a performance and be semi required). This is something that is almost 100% for the benefit of OSS. Even if it's not a performance trip, generally these kinds of things are sort of a reward for hard extra work the band kids put in.

Perhaps BM just assumed that your DH would have no issue with the boy going to something like this? Perhaps the CO includes provisions for school activities?

Anyway, I think this is something that would be a pretty sucky thing for dad to veto just because he wanted to "win" against BM.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

BM just can't make decisions about what OP's DH would or would not be ok with. She's not his wife. There's a CO in place for a reason.

Everything else I completely agree with, ESMOD.

ESMOD's picture

It's possible that she is viewing this as a "school activity" that is required. It's also possible she hasn't actually signed him up yet. It's also possible that this trip (though the timing may not have been known) was already part of the band commitment.

I don't know. I would be less likely to be nice about it if it was her family reunion or some trip that could happen at another time. Obviously the school doesn't know the

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

The trip should have been discussed before OSS was signed up for it.

BM does this every year for Father's Day. She arranges for SD to take some fabulous week vacation with family friends. DH is too Disney to deny her and make her spend Father's Day with her father. *shrug* it's not my kid, not my Father's Day, not my battle.

Your DH needs to sit down with OSS and explain about responsibility, time management and how much DH wants the timen. When OSS gets a job, he can't ask one manager for time off if he is obligated to another manager for that time.

secret's picture

Look at it this way - it's for school, he would have been going regardless of whose weekend it was.

Look at it like DH has the opportunity to save up to go with ss... because it is, after all, his weekend. If he thinks he can swing the flights and accommodations, he can respond one of two ways - "That's my weekend, and I'm not really ok with giving up my time with him. Do you prefer I take him the weekend before, or the weekend after, to compensate?"

Acratopotes's picture

and who gets YSS if Dad goes with OSS??

nah OSS is teen, let him go on his own with the school, regardless who's week-end it is, seriously it will help the kid to develop

ESMOD's picture

Tankh can watch YSS }:)


Really, this is a mountain/molehill situation. So, BM informed vs asking... that's an eyeroll in my book and perhaps a sarcastic "oh how nice of her to ask your permission".

TBH, the timing of it and visitation would be the least of my worries. My concern would be do we need to come up with a thousand dollars to send the kid! THAT would be a hill to die on if BM is obligating my household to a large and unplanned expense.

So, if she is footing the bill, fine, let the kid go. It's for his school, it will do him good to be out with his peers and away from YSS. It will give you a break to only have one kid that weekend.

secret's picture

Yup.... it's for school. Let him go. This isn't about His weekend versus Her weekend... this is a school trip. It can't be rescheduled the same way custody can.

He'd be gone that weekend even if the parents were still together.

Enjoy the peace from OSS, and from da beech and her drama. Wink

lieutenant_dad's picture

Did BM say "OSS is going to Dallas on your weekend in May" or did she say "OSS has a thing in Dallas on your weekend that he needs to go to"?

There have been an ungodly number of school/church/Boy Scout-based trips on DH's weekends. An equal number also happen on BM's weekends. It's the nature of having kids in activities.

Sure, if BM was being a real B about it and telling your DH that there was no choice, then be mad that she is being a B. But she didn't schedule this. Your SS isn't going to get out of it. My guess is that SS gave her the info, is there as a parent nigh, and she's passing it along. Neither your DH or BM treat each other with much respect given what you have written previously, so I wouldn't be surprised if she was a B in communication.

Point is, this is a school trip that happens to fall on your DH's weekend. As the kids get older, more and more will fall on those weekends. This is a good opportunity for your DH to start cutting the umbilical cord, so to speak, and start figuring out how to have meaningful time with his kids in shorter time periods. As they get older and get jobs, have partners, want to hang out with friends, etc, full weekends with Dad will be replaced by dinners and phone calls. That's the nature of most relationships between kids and their parents, and it's, unfortunately, mote acutely felt by NCPs.

WalkOnBy's picture

"Point is, this is a school trip that happens to fall on your DH's weekend. As the kids get older, more and more will fall on those weekends. This is a good opportunity for your DH to start cutting the umbilical cord, so to speak, and start figuring out how to have meaningful time with his kids in shorter time periods. As they get older and get jobs, have partners, want to hang out with friends, etc, full weekends with Dad will be replaced by dinners and phone calls. That's the nature of most relationships between kids and their parents, and it's, unfortunately, mote acutely felt by NCPs."

Why does DAD always have to be the one to sacrifice time? You would never tell a BM, "hey, try to find a way to have more meaningful time with your kid in a shorter period of time," would you?? Why does DAD have to settle for "dinners and phone calls?" You would never say that to a BM, would you??

lieutenant_dad's picture

Yes, I would. It's part of the reason why BM and I don't get along anymore because I told her last year that we had plans already when she wanted extra time with the boys she had already given to DH.

ALL parents lose time with their kids as they get older. It's the nature of kids getting older. Every parent gets less "fun" time as the kids find fun things to do outside parents. This isn't a "Mom vs Dad" thing. This isn't even a CP vs NCP thing. This is just part of the kids getting older process.

secret's picture

100% agree. He's not losing his time with OSS to BM... he's losing it to a school event.

As will BM when the events fall on her weekend. There is no need to switch.

Now if it's for a personal reason.... absolutely switch, because it's one parent's time being taken in favor of the other parent, and that's different.

secondplace's picture

Totally agree with you!

Why would BM feel obligated to give up one of her weekends to Dad when it's a school thing?

tankh21's picture

Nope BM said OSS is going to Dallas for a school trip on May 18th and 19th which falls on your weekend. That was the exact text.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Okay, and if custody were switched, your DH would send the same message to BM, or a screenshot of the sheet of paper with the info.

It's a matter-of-fact situation. No reason to blow it up past that. SS is going to be in Dallas whether it's BM or DH weekend. Both parents lose the time.

Now, if BM says she is going on the trip, THEN be upset because Dad should get first dibs.

ETA: If that is her exact text, that is also not her saying he is going. That is an informative text about an upcoming event. Your DH can still say no.

WalkOnBy's picture

"BM said OSS is going to Dallas for a school trip on May 18th and 19th which falls on your weekend. That was the exact text."

Sounds like she is saying he is going, no??

tankh21's picture

I am sorry I just don't see it that way. Why is there a CO then and it says that DH gets his kids the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend of every month and this school trip happens to fall on a weekend that is DH's. So it's ok for BM to just totally disregard the CO and what language that is written in it?

Teas83's picture

I agree with you, Tank. BM shouldn't be able to dictate what goes on when OSS is supposed to be with your husband, but that's what she's doing by sending that text.

Your husband can't be expected to be happy about going 4 weeks without seeing his son. It's silly that some people are saying "BM is losing the time with the child too." No she isn't. He lives with her 85% of the time and she wouldn't have seen him the weekend of the trip anyway because he was supposed to be with his dad.

I would like to see a solution where OSS can go on the trip and your husband can make up the lost time with him. It doesn't sound like BM is the kind of person who is willing to compromise though.

tankh21's picture

Thank you Teas83. She won't compromise unless it benefits her. DH will end up looking like the bad guy if he tells OSS that he can't go on the trip plus he loses out time with him.

Teas83's picture

Yeah, it's too bad that no matter what happens your husband is going to lose in some way.

Hennypenny's picture

BM informed DH of a school trip that will be occurring over his time. Who cares if it was shrouded in rudeness? Look beyond the attitude and find the content of her messages, and only respond to that. Words can’t hurt you.

Sweet T's picture

So if it is a school trip isn't there some sort of mention of this at conferences ect....That both parents would be aware of if they are actively involved in the kids education. Would the parents see this on the kids school view or would the kid not be talking to dad about the exciting mschool trip when they are talking about how school is going and things like That?

Does the school notify about concerts e ct?

As a parent I would want my kid to have an opportunity to travel and have that experience. My former step son is in band and going to Greece this year....what an opportunity!

I am the kind of parent that would switch weekends so bs could go if it fell on dad's weekend and he had an issue with it.

WalkOnBy's picture

Yup - that's how Asshat and I handled the kids' events/games/trips. If it fell on the other parent's weekend, we would switch or if the residential parent couldn't transport, the other parent would step up. I think in all those years, there was only one football related thing that Thing1 had to miss and that was because Asshat was pissed at me and took it out on Thing1.

Sweet T's picture

We have a birthday party that came up yesterday that bs wants to go to but it is on dad's fdweekend. It will be a late night and because ex moved so far away his comment was I am sure that mom won't want to drive bs back to his house 45 minutes away from all the other kids ( cuz moving away from where your kids lived was a great idea) . He asked me for suggestions....I just came out and said what are you thinking. He is going to email me.

Because my kid really wants to go and this doesn't happen often I will switch if needed or accommodate his dad so he can be a normal kid and have a happy child...

Teas83's picture

I'm never a fan of BMs TELLING the fathers when something about their visitation is going to change. Delivery and a willingness to compromise go a long way.

"Hey, OSS has a band trip that falls on a weekend he is supposed to be with you. Can he go? Maybe we could swap weekends around so that you still get your time with him." <<<< This is something Dad should be able to work with, but I doubt it's how BM went about it.

It sucks for these dads when they only see their kids EOWE. If OSS goes on this trip it means Dad goes 4 weeks without seeing his son. I hate to see a kid miss a school trip but I also hate to see a kid miss visitation time with a parent they don't see very often as it is. There is a way for OSS to go on the trip and still get time with his dad, as long as the parents are willing to work it out.

Mrs Fireball's picture

Could your DH take him on the trip?

It was rude of BM to dictate vs ask.

DD has dance competitions in the spring that really mess with the CO schedule, but the ex and I are usually able to work it out. DD would get kicked off the team if she missed these events.

ESMOD's picture

In the end, does your DH have a problem with his son going on this trip even if it means he will not get to "make up" the time with his son?

Whether BM informed/asked or demanded... ultimately, your DH can make up his own mind.

The fact that he doesn't like the WAY his Ex told him about this trip shouldn't factor into whether he will allow his son to go or not. It's not the kid's fault his mom didn't approach his dad respectfully.

HOWEVER, marinate on this little tidbit for a while. Even though you didn't like the way your DH found out, she DID bring this up almost SIX MONTHS before the trip. In my mind, that's an improvement over her prior operating standards. So, if she feels like she went out of her way to inform him early (so they could reschedule his weekend.. so dad wouldn't waste money on other plans.. etc...) and his response is to pull a power move and say NO and dash her kid's hopes... I might expect that you will have even worse luck getting timely notification from the woman.

That text was brief and didn't come across as gloating per se, though you might be assigning that to it based on your feelings towards her. It may have been presumptuous on her part to think he would naturally agree but it seems that dad has left school related things to be his exwife's responsibility so.... I guess she may have felt empowered by that and felt this was a decision she could make.

bottom line, I wouldn't blow this out of proportion. If your DH has good reason why his son should not go, he can give that good reason and veto the trip on his time. Unfortunately, the one hurt will be the kid since this is not something that he can just change the date on. It is the school band schedule, not his mom's.

tankh21's picture

He isn't going to tell his son that he can't go on the trip because he doesn't want him to miss out. Maybe BM is getting a little bit better at letting my DH know about things but most likely she is letting DH know 6 months in advance in case he decided to say no since it is his weekend to have the skids and then she is out the money she paid for on the trip and DH was never married to BM. LOL Sorry just had to throw that in there. I really wish I could get to the point where this moron means nothing to me but it's easier said than done.

Sweet T's picture

Sometimes it is hard not to read things into stuff, especially when the other person has been a PITA. Your husband should sign.up for the school stuff, everything is electronic these days..
.I hate it, but as a parent you have to know what is going on.

moeilijk's picture

Wait, so BM has informed DH of the dates that she is withholding visitation and making the child unavailable? That's handy for court and/or the police!

tankh21's picture

Yes BM did inform DH that OSS would be going to Dallas on May 18th and 19th which is his weekend. Like I said he told him.

twoviewpoints's picture

Don't you and DH have these kids like the whole month of June? From how unenjoyable weekend visits are for you, I'd frankly be thrilled to pieces to learn one of the kids wasn't coming May 18th and 19th. Heck, I'd be doing a happy dance across the living room squealing 'woot, woot, one less kid , one less weekend before the big summer visit'

Ok, so for my 2cents, I'd take the BM's text as a informational notice. I'll assume band is something that both Dad and Mom had some kind of mutual agreement on kid being in? Due to time investment and possible cost during the school year and all that. I also remember reading how you and Dad go to kid's concerts/programs, so Dad has be supportive of the activity.

I would imagine BM just found out the dates of the end of school band field trip. She notified immediately and tossed in 'oh, and the trip is on your weekend'. BM played no roll in deciding where or when the trip would be. Kid either goes or he doesn't. Yep, Dad will certainly look to the kid as the horse's behind if Dad says 'no'. But think about it. Why let and support kid to do the activity all school year only to rip the rug out from under the final school year event? Kind of a d*ck move.

Yeah, I 'get' it. BM didn't ask. But this isn't a trip or event BM controls. It's not like BM texted and said 'FYI I'm revoking your May 18th-19th visitation so I can take the boys to the beach for some fun'. It's not like she's keeping the kid herself and I suppose you still do get the other kid who isn't in band.

Fine, if Dad feels he must make some principal point issue out of it, have him text back 'Oh, the band trip sounds exciting, I'll be picking SS up then the weekend before for my usual weekend visit as the May 18-19th is a band event'. Dad can have one on one with the kid coming the weekend of May 18-19th and have one on one on the weekend before with the other kid. And you only have to suck up one kid at a time. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Let kid go , don't let kid go. It's Dad's decision to make this more than it has to be. Just telling you how I would think of it.