I packed a bag and left at 11 PM last night.
We attempted to go out and "celebrate" me getting a better position at work, which I was very happy about.
Of course, when we go out it ends up being him silently drinking his drink and me trying to figure out why we don't talk anymore like we used to.
It always turns into a shitty time, then he points out how we can "never have fun together" and "why would I want a child with someone I can't even go out and have fun with." Then I try to convince him not to shut down, lets just salvage the evening... I don't want this to be a big fight, but the damage is done... he shuts me out, tells me to "zip it" and leave him alone/go away/ he is going to bed. I end up sleeping in the other room, crying myself to sleep.
Last night, after he shut me out, I was irate. I banged on the locked door and told him I wasn't tolerating this bullshit for another night. He let me in and video recorded me (using commentary like "she is crazy I am just doing this for my own safety) while I cried and packed my belongings. He was rushing me telling me to hurry up and get out, don't forget to pack your "hooker shoes" (my heels) and then tossed my stuff in the hall and locked the door.
I called a friend (who I haven't even seen in awhile) because I know she has a spare room and she likes my dog, and I went there with a bag of enough stuff to last a few days and some dog food. I have NEVER left my home, but enough is enough.
I know he won't care, I know he won't call... and I know that will hurt. But I must be strong and not contact him. I need a few days of peace, and to think.
I have dealt with lies, worker's comp for a minor surgery waiting on a settlement, watching someone sleep away half the day - even when the kids are there, someone who makes me feel like I am crazy, or I am the problem because "I don't respect him" when HE drives me to the point where I lash out, cry and act unhinged. He depletes me, he ignores me. And I am not going home tonight.
I am devastated.
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Comments
NO CONTACT. This man sounds
NO CONTACT.
This man sounds horrible and dangerous.
Surgically remove yourself from his life. No contact.
The truth it, he is often
The truth it, he is often lazy, untrustworthy, irresponsible and manipulative. I was banking on him "changing" (naive much?) I let the resentment build and then I am guilty of spewing hatred and criticism... which fuels his fire, then he can call me crazy. Like all of the anger and pain I feel is a figment of my imagination... he is the good guy.
He is a narcissist get away
He is a narcissist get away and stay away. They are toxic people.
Funny - he calls me one.
Funny - he calls me one.
Sheer Projection!
Sheer Projection!
of course he does. That's
of course he does. That's what they do.
They act like the biggest asshole... then when you have the nerve to get upset, you're the crazy psycho who's a rageaholic beast.
It's a power play. He ust make you feel small because he feels small - it makes him feel bigger. He's the one with the problems... but by making you out to be one of the problems, you are the bad one..and the cause of all the other problems.
It's twisted...and unhealthy.
Get the hell out of there.
Yes, projecting. He's calling
Yes, projecting. He's calling you that because it's who HE is. My psycho ex accused me of cheating on him. The reality is that HE was cheating on ME.
AJ, sweetie... you are better than this. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. He has once again showed who he is, only worse than before. Stop letting this man chip and gouge away at who you are. I know it hurts - I've been there - but it's time to let him go and rebuild your life AND your self worth. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
I agree that it is
I agree that it is projecting. It's really common.
My sister's fiancé is cheating on her and always flips out that she must be cheating, or uses her supposed cheating to justify his other ridiculous behavior,
and BM is clearly a raging narcissist but she constantly posts stuff on facebook about how to deal with a narcissist, by which she means my DH.
Not all men. SO couldn't
Not all men. SO couldn't project or gaslight if his life depended on it. He's sometimes way too honest for his own good.
Yes, I just need to be away
Yes, I just need to be away from it. I never have left, I always suck it up and let it blow over. Not this time.
Ugh, he sounds like a psycho!
Ugh, he sounds like a psycho! Videotaping you packing your stuff for his "safety" wth??? How long have you been married? Was there a catalyst for the disconnect (skids/BM drama) or did he just start going silent out of the blue?
So sorry, that sounds like a positively awful night. Hugs
I acted "crazy" with my ex
I acted "crazy" with my ex all the time. I have only had one moment in 8 years where I acted crazy with SO. My ex was abusive, they do that stuff on purpose to act out and make it "our fault." He's abusing you.
Yes, I do not go "psycho" and
Yes, I do not go "psycho" and say terrible things to him out of the clear blue. He is dismissive and I feel alone. The resentment builds... and it builds...
Agreed. My ex and I had
Agreed. My ex and I had constant insane blowout fights where one or the other or a bystander really should have called the police. Screaming, shouting, throwing things, physical attacks, things being broken when I tried to lock myself in a room to get away from him or lock him out of the house, or because one of us ran into them. Somehow he always found a way to make the insanity my fault or at least partially my fault. I insisted he was abusive he insisted I was.
In my current relationship? Not a hiccup, neither of us has ever even really raised our voice. We disagree and we get mad, but we just walk away to cool down and then try to communicate what's wrong in a calm tone. With my ex, I shouted and screamed and slammed doors for 7 years, and I've now realized it takes a lot to drive me to that point, its not something I do naturally on my own. If he wasn't pulling my hair or digging his fingers into my shoulder or grabbing me and shaking me I wouldn't have shouted or shoved him. Its really confusing for me how quiet everything is now.
This is me exactly! I can't
This is me exactly! I can't tell you have many times I've thought about this since I've been with SO. Like I'm naturally pretty calm but good god, my ex could push my buttons. The funny thing is, I can't remember what one single one of those fights was over.
Exactly our situation. God
Exactly our situation. God awful fights, he blames me, I blame him (only difference I can hold myself accountable for my poor behavior). A cycle.
I know it doesn't have to be this hard. There are men out there who can communicate. Who are mentally healthy enough to want to.
I am in my early 30's and I have wanted a family for a long time. My "family" is dismissive DH and HIS kids, so not really a family at all. When we fight and are throwing low blows, he always says "at least I have kids, you're infertile and will be alone." To which I respond "BM's boyfriend raises your kids, get over yourself." Low blows.
I hope there is hope for a happy family life for me.
Oh I just re-read and caught
Oh I just re-read and caught the workers comp part. So he got injured at work and has been unable to work? This is my DH. He was LEO and got sucker punched by a drunk driver, it knocked him out and his head hit the pavement with nothing breaking his fall. He has post concussion syndrome, TBI and 3 discs that are bad in his neck. He has been dealing with neck pain, and debilitating headaches ever since and yes sometimes it makes him an asshole. It would make me an asshole. I can barely tolerate 10 hours of a headache much less 10 years.
Maybe he needs to see a therapist or maybe try pain management or something? Does he take pain meds?
He was addicted to pain meds,
He was addicted to pain meds, which is a whole other story. It does make him lash out, hell, it makes me lash out... watching someone lay around for over a year will do that. He was not nearly as injured as your husband.
Oh boy... thankfully my DH
Oh boy... thankfully my DH refuses to take pain meds.. trust me the Dr.'s have tried.. but DH does not want any part of that, so he tries to deal with the pain. He did over a year of pain management which included seeing a therapist and it really helped him in that he deals with the pain better now than he used to.
It sounds like your H is just using his injury as an excuse to not work? UGH
Good for your DH, he's a
Good for your DH, he's a strong man. One of my dearest friends got addicted to pain meds for a couple of years when he had a back injury (last person you'd expect ever becoming addicted!) and had a rough time getting past it. I myself had some recent sciatica pain and wow, really feel bad for people with major pain who get caught up in pain meds because it really sucks being in ongoing pain & I could see getting desperate for relief.
He's a worthless POS.
He's a worthless POS.
That was my life for many
That was my life for many years sweetie, they don't change and you don't deserve it.
That was my life for many
That was my life for many years sweetie, they don't change and you don't deserve it.
what. an. @$$#ole. i totally
what. an. @$$#ole.
i totally understand the whole w/c deal, and the depression and the pain med addiction. but being a manipulative @$$#ole is absolutely inexcusable. video'ing you while stating "i'm doing this for my own safety, she's crazy" is so cold, callous, and completely, totally calculated. is he a sociopath? (i mean that question sincerely)
I don't know what he is. I
I don't know what he is. I just know that he doesn't love me.
"he doesn't love me." Count
"he doesn't love me."
Count your blessings--you don't want his type of conditional "love."
check this out, AJ
check this out, AJ -
http://www.health.com/mind-body/sociopath-traits
That describes
That describes him.
Financially irresponsible... clueless, truly. He will blow what we have and "figure it out" when bills are due. I live in a state of financial worry at all times. He puts me down because I do not make that much money... and he "makes more" sitting on his ass.
No empathy. He can watch me cry and smirk the entire time. He only ever seems to love me when I actually leave. I have not left since 2012... back then when I left he cried and cried.
He also lies and embellishes. Always was a liar. A beautiful liar.
Of course he loves you when
Of course he loves you when you leave. He NEEDS you - but not in a good way.
He's a user, a mental abuser, and a piece of sh!t. Don't feel bad for falling for his BS. Many of us have been there; done that. I lived it for 9 years.
Whatever you do, stay away
Whatever you do, stay away from the this jerk. He is dangerous s. And if he can drink, he can work. If someone is too sick to work they should be too sick to drink.
I have said crazy things to
I have said crazy things to him out of anger. I have told him I hate him, he is a deadbeat, I hope he rots. I have cried and freaked out more times than I am proud to admit.
He brings out a side of me that I hate. A side of me I never want to see again.
AJ, of course you told him
AJ, of course you told him you hate him. Part of you does. You hate what his weaknesses they are destroying your marriage. You hate his cruelty which is destroying your mental health. Perhaps, in part, you hope that the 'bad' in him rots and only the good parts in him would be left. Sweetie, I'm sorry, but I don't think that's going to happen.
I kept telling myself that as
I kept telling myself that as I drove away. He will never be capable of loving me or being a husband. He will always be this way. He will "change" for a week and then go right back. He doesn't know how to love. He had a messed up childhood. He left BM with an infant. He is the most handsome asshole I have ever known, he will just find another woman to torture.
Granny, I have been making
Granny,
I have been making excuses. I've had that feeling "something is wrong" for a long time. I am making myself sick. Drinking, smoking, crying, worrying. I am no longer healthy or happy. I have loved him more than myself for quite awhile. Resentment and hatred are also poisoning me.
It is an upsetting feeling. Seeing someone you love not really care about you anymore. The same guy who chased me down and couldn't wait to marry me, is now someone who sees me as a nagging, pain in the ass, who isn't worth it.
I know I need to make moves. Right now, all I can think about is getting through the weekend. I know come Sunday evening I will be out of clothes and dog food and I will need to return home. I cannot even fathom how that will be.
AJ, it's like reading about
AJ, it's like reading about myself years ago. He's not worthy of you, sweetie.
Will he be there Sunday night? Does he ever leave the house? Is it your house or his?
Go when he's not there.
Take FRIENDS with you. Not ONE friend - take 2-3. Do NOT give him a chance to suck you back into that misery.
If this is YOUR place, you need to contact an attorney TODAY.
We rent together. Neither of
We rent together. Neither of us can afford the place alone. Lots to consider.
Not sure if he will be home?
Talk to the landlord. Are
Talk to the landlord. Are there houses in your area where you can rent a room and share the common areas (kitchen, living room, bathroom)?
I understand that finances can be an issue, but I don't think being roommates with him will work.
I'm glad you left and I hope
I'm glad you left and I hope you stay gone this time. He isn't worth the misery he brings to your life. And him recording you for "his own safety" just shows you what he really thinks about you and your feelings.
I have never just NOT
I have never just NOT contacted him. I have never just said "no more" and meant it. His lack of concern for me always hurts and I cave.
He is banking that same thing will happen this time, that you will cave.
Do you think he's using again?
My DH was injured on the job but he still goes to work, even with constant migraines from a damaged occipital nerve (also had a concussion, sprained ankle, and had to have part of his ear sewn back on). He rarely takes anything for the pain, he hates pills. He's cranky when he's in severe pain but he never treats me like your husband does you.
Recording you, while you were crying and packing, and making smart ass comments. Total ass behavior.
It will take strength and time, but I think you will fare better on your own. One day, you will meet someone who values you.
He denies using until the
He denies using until the cows come home.
He is taking a small amount of suboxone, which is terribly tough to wean off of according to the doctor. He is often sick (vomiting) and has bouts of very high energy followed by sleeping all day. It certainly seems like he is using - however - those are also signs of his suboxone withdrawal. I truly cannot be sure.
Well, no matter. If he is
Well, no matter. If he is using, that's bad. If he isn't using, it's still bad because he's treating you like dirt.
Using or not, AJ has stood by
Using or not, AJ has stood by him and he wants to keep it that way. He has found a woman who stuck with him through addiction - good and bad. He may not find another.
I am so sorry that you're
I am so sorry that you're going through something so painful, AJanie, but stay strong and please stay away from this narcissist. My blood boils from reading the shit he said to you and how he treats you. Well done, leaving!!!
Oh, AJ, I'm sorry for what
Oh, AJ, I'm sorry for what you're going through.
A long time ago, in my early 20s, I was in a bad relationship. I understand myself better now, so I know that I found the 'passion' (sex, conflict, dramatic ups-and-downs) exciting. I knew he lied to me a lot and tried not to mind. I realized that most of my friends didn't like him and would rather he not come along. I felt bad about myself a lot because of things he said and I believed. One day he hit me.
I still didn't leave for another 6 months or so.
I'm not sure exactly how I left, but looking back, it was in small steps. First I got my own place. Then I didn't see him unless it was convenient for me. (So I didn't let him in that time when he came over at 2 am, throwing gravel at my window and accusing me of having someone else inside. Mostly because I had work the next day, but that was enough.)
Anyway, one day, I realized - this guy isn't nice to me, and I want that. It was several years before I got involved with someone else. I had some casual relationships in the meantime, but I'm not really a casual person so I had to wait to find someone ready for serious. Anyway, the next guy was wonderful. The relationship was so different. I wasn't willing to lose my sh!t because I didn't want that kind of relationship again, and I didn't want to risk that the new guy would lose respect for me... since I had so much for him.
That one only lasted 7 months, long enough to fall in love and to get to know him well enough to realize that he couldn't offer me the partnership that I want in life. And because he respected me, and loved me too, I could end it. With the bad guy, ending it was just another power play in the drama. But I knew with the good guy, everything I did and said mattered.
And it even MORE years before I met DH. We have our bumps, but mostly, I couldn't imagine a better life or partner.
I think you can do this. And I understand that it's hard. Something inside gets addicted to the drama. It feels so boring when there isn't any. But when there isn't any, that's when YOU get to shine.
I think back to when I broke
I think back to when I broke up with past boyfriends, specifically those who were secure/healthy men. It was never dramatic like this. I never was "unhinged" or "crazy." Makes you think.
Contact a good lawyer for a
Contact a good lawyer for a consultation on how to protect yourself and your assets, and get the ball rolling on extricating yourself from this asshole. (Yes, sorry, he's an asshole manipulator.).
Any respect that might have been in this relationship is long gone. There is nothing to rebuild.
I was once in a similar place with a longtime BF, and my advice is to protect yourself financially first, then your things, then get out. Do it in quick succession and do not warn him. When my exBF realized that I meant business (and separated my money from his), he was even nastier. I didn't think it was possible for him to be nastier, but he was out for blood for 'embarassing' him by leaving.
After I left that toxic environment, I wondered why it took me so long to leave.
I start having massive panic
I start having massive panic attacks thinking about the future. I need to get through this weekend. I will be having pizza, wine and a fire in my friend's backyard. Further than that, no plans.
I am hoping the fog clears a bit with not being there. Then I will think of the next steps.
AJ you don't need much of a
AJ you don't need much of a plan. one day on my lunchbreak, i opened a separate bank account, stored my birth certificate in my purse, got a PO box, and signed a lease on a cheap little 1-br apt.
that's all you need to do. then after work go grab your $#!t (clothes, bathroom stuff, pillow, a few books and blankets), toss it in the car with your furbabies, and don't look back. the first night in my apartment i curled up on the carpet with my kitties. i'd also grabbed a candle as i didn't have the electric set up, and read for a few hours before drifting off to the most blissful sleep one could imagine. the next day i bought more blankets at salvation army to make a pallet until i could afford something else, turned on my utilities and got my own phone. on day 2 of my freedom, i found an attorney and filed for divorce.
i had one pan and ate ramen noodles or mac-n-cheese for a few weeks out of styrofoam bowls i shanked from work, along with plasticware, a cup, and toilet paper. after a few pay-periods, i had enough to get a futon and a kitchenette set. @$$#ole vacated the previous apartment and advised me through his attorney that i could return and take anything that was left.
you can do this without a whole lot of time/planning put into it. you need to stay away from him and cut yourself off from him, like, YESTERDAY. just do it.
When he was younger it was
When he was younger it was coke/crack/meth. Then it ended up being pain pills in his 30's. I can't see him ever going anywhere in life without me babysitting him. He will suffer. Right now he probably has some dumb young girlfriend on the side to lean on, or something, which is why he says he is done and doesn't care that I leave. But it will all catch up to him.
I will take one dog, he will
I will take one dog, he will take one. One is more "mine." I get sick to my stomach thinking about saying bye to my dobie. I start crying instantly. The skids are one thing, my dog is a whole other. I am literally sick.
I have a friend who was in a
I have a friend who was in a similar situation with his cats. Unfortunately, the one he was not scheduled to take accidentally got out one night. Fortunately, I was there to rescue the cat and take him to my place until the divorce was final and he was moved out. (He was still in the house and she moved out during the proceedings.)
I won't bore you with the details, but she deserved it and the cat was way better of with my friend and the other cat.
I just want to thank you all
I just want to thank you all for responding. It brought me a lot of comfort today to not be sitting here with it all bottled in. I am forever grateful for the support I have found over the past year here.
Time to move To a Florida .
Time to move
To a Florida . Start over without him
Hang in there! You deserve
Hang in there! You deserve happiness and safety. Stay strong
Oh AJ, My last relationship
Oh AJ,
My last relationship was very similar to this. I was the scapegoat, crazy, controlling girlfriend. I worked, he didn't, his mother enabled him and found a way to blame me when he failed. HE told ME he needed a break-i told him he was either in or out and he chose out. After everything HE had put me through- the joblessness, the gas lighting-i could go on for DAYS. It hurt at first but after the initial sting I immediately felt lighter. A few weeks later he called saying he wanted to work things out-but it was too late-i was free from that shit storm and he ripped the band aid I was afraid to rip off. 5 years later he's right where I left him with mommy dearest and I couldn't be happeir to never, ever have to out up with that bullshot again. Do you girl, its worth it.
dammit AJ - I can't even
dammit AJ - I can't even leave for a night and then you need me...
Hon good for you for packing, I hope you did not contact him through the week-end, stand strong and push my button every time you might feel week and you want to fold, I will give you my shoulder to lean on, just don't get weak
How did the weekend go AJ?
How did the weekend go AJ? I've kept you in my thoughts.