Ram's picture

Can the kids refuse?

DH and I have been doing great. We are seeing each other every day and spending the night at each others house although we aren't having "the sex". I don't want to risk getting pregnant again. I had ppd with my first and this time I completely lost it and myself when dd was born. I believe the reason I let him have joint custody of our newborn was because I was scared of becoming overwhelmed and harming her. I don't worry about that now and I feel fantastic! Dh gets the big snip done on the 19th. We have a 3 month wait after that and he gets a test to be sure he is in the clear. I'm counting down the days to be honest..... We are talking about moving in together again and dh said that his kids have threatened to move in with their mom full time if we live together. He is positive that at least one of them will follow through. I understand his concern and his worries but I am much better now and they have seen me and seen that I am no longer the crazy lady I was. My vote is to let them go and hopefully they will come back. He can take the ones who refuse to visit to dinners and still see them. I haven't brought this up to him yet. We have a marriage counseling meeting tonight and I was thinking of proposing this to him. Do you think it's a good idea or a bad one? His kids would be welcome in our home if they decide to come.

Ram's picture

The main problem was my ppd

The main problem was my ppd and well what ss did but please I don't want another debate with that. I don't think dh will be okay with his kids living with bm full time but at the same time he misses me, ds and our dd. I will listen to him but do you think it is to soon to put this out there?

Ram's picture

Okay. So hold steady then and

Okay. So hold steady then and don't mention this. We have at least 3 1/2 months before we are even going to be intimate anyway. I was just thinking out loud.

downsouthinTX's picture

wow i didn't know minor kids

wow i didn't know minor kids were allowed to make the custody arrangement and the court orders....

guess i have been doing it all wrong.

the kids live with him for a reason. and the courts agreed that it was a reason good enough to sign off on it.
the KIDS dont get to decide when/if they move between parents. thats up to the parents.
NOW if they dont want actually be parents to their kids and let the kids call the shots, well i personally wouldn't want to be with a person that behaves like that.
if one of my kids made a threat to me like that...they would be punished for even thinking they had those rights and say.

HRNYC's picture

Go back and read her old

Go back and read her old entries. She kicked his kids out when they were together before. Blaming it on PPD, or whatever, would not cut the mustard with me.

Ram's picture

I was very sick and dh knew I

I was very sick and dh knew I had a history of ppd. I didn't realize what was happening till after I lost it. Since this happened I have gotten help and proven to everyone that I am getting better.

Ram's picture

I am not asking for them to

I am not asking for them to forget but i would like another chance.

Ram's picture

Okay. I can do that.

Okay. I can do that.

HRNYC's picture

You can like another chance,

You can like another chance, but they may not want to.

downsouthinTX's picture

what did he tell the kids or

what did he tell the kids or do when the kids said "if RAM moves back in then i/we are out and will go live with BM"?

Ram's picture

I didn't ask. I just said we

I didn't ask. I just said we would figure it out.

downsouthinTX's picture

i would ask... personally it

i would ask...
personally it speaks volumes to how he parents and how your future child will be parented and affected.

if kids say "RAM or US"...which is basically what they are saying...and he chooses you and new baby. you bet your bottom dollar he has set the tone for good.
they are old enough to remember that he chose a woman and NEW baby over them.

if they said "RAM or us" and he said "who do you think you are? who died and made YOU the boss? i am the parent here and i am going to be calling the shots. you dont get to run the show and decide how my life is spent. i AM YOUR FATHER have some respect"

thats a whole different ball game. he parented and not letting his kids walk all over him.

HRNYC's picture

But in the past, Ram said

But in the past, Ram said them or me, and he let them leave. How do you reconcile that?

downsouthinTX's picture

well then....i am surprised

well then....i am surprised he even has the kids again.

its like kids saying "i am only going to come to your house if we have pizza and chicken nuggets every night. if not, then im not coming"

i wouldn't think highly of a parent who does back/forth games with his kids to suit his relationship status.

Ram's picture

Dh is a good parent and he

Dh is a good parent and he has never allowed his children to dictate anything to him. I threw ss out when my ppd was at it's worse and he left with them.

HRNYC's picture

Not arguing with that, but in

Not arguing with that, but in the meantime, OP doesn't get to decide the stepkids have to live with her.

DanielleR's picture

Well....the BM here almost

Well....the BM here almost put skid #1 in the oven because voices were telling her to. She claims that was ppd. And the courts saw no reason to give DH anything more than every other weekend. It happened 7 years prior and she hadn't tried it since, so maybe that's why they thought so little of it. The nutter also has a psych history with in patient stays a mile long, but hey, kids have to be with their moms huh. So I dunno, if courts can blame ppd for that type of psycho behavior I really just have to shrug at kicking a bunch of unrelated kids out of the house.

Now as the dad, there is no way in hell I would move back in within the next few years. Sorry, you gotta have some stability and would suggest he maintain his own place so he can give his kids stability. I wouldn't move the kids back and forth until I absolutely knew the marriage was solid and I would not be kicked out of my own home.

anotherstep2's picture

^^^^THIS^^^^ Being able to

^^^^THIS^^^^

Being able to reestablish your marriage is wonderful. His children do not get to call the shots on that. Yes, your PPD was bad but they would not be "banned from returning" if they had an illness themselves, would they? Perhaps your DH can explain it to them in that way and let them know that they do not get to make decisions as to who is in the family and who is not.

Maybe this is a traditionalist viewpoint but to me a family needs a leader. Could be either gender. But someone needs to step up and say "this is the line in the sand - don't cross it." That way everyone knows what is going on and what to expect. Security and consistency can not be underrated. Your DH needs to lead his children at this point and tell them that HE is the one who makes the decisions on where they live and any "threats" to go live somewhere else will be dealt with as challenges to his authority - which is NOT going to end well. How he handles this is going to pave the way for how your reentry into the house goes. Establishing that he is firmly in control of his kids can only be good for EVERYONE.

HRNYC's picture

That train has left the

That train has left the station, and everyone involved knows it. If mom is willing to take the kids, they will be with her.

Ram's picture

So you think I should mention

So you think I should mention this then?

anotherstep2's picture

That they be allowed to go to

That they be allowed to go to their mother's? No. They are with their father for a reason. If you want to be back with him, you are going to have to support him in keeping the custody he has. The last thing that will be good for your marriage is him losing them to "get you back!"

Your other option - if you don't want to live with his kids and that is totally reasonable! - is to remain living apart. Many people do it. That very well may be your better choice.

The kids going back to their mother's is going to encourage serious resentment from both your DH and the skids. If you truly want to reestablish the family relationship, please do not go there.

Maxwell09's picture

I think you need to live the

I think you need to live the lesson you learned and let him do what he thinks is best for his children and just follow his lead.

Ram's picture

Is that a no I shouldn't

Is that a no I shouldn't purpose this?

Maxwell09's picture

I think you need to ask your

I think you need to ask your DH what he wants to do? Is moving in together something you are pushing or something he is encouraging? How does he think it will go if y'all move in together again? How will things be different on his end? How will he deal with the skids and their reaction? Will he be able to live with his kids leaving him because you are there or will that build up resentment towards you or your children?

I personally don't think you should live together until his kids age out or move out on their own accord. You can't expect someone to just get over the way you treated them and while your DH accepts your excuse-to them it is still just an excuse and they don't trust you aren't crazy anymore. Only time and slow moving will gain the trust back.

Tuff Noogies's picture

correct. dont even go there

correct. dont even go there for quite some time.

have you ever watched a stone wall being laid? stone by stone. one at a time. sometimes pieces have to be reshuffled for a better fit. this is what you need to build with your dh.

"I am the nicest person you will ever meet until you try to f*ck over somebody I love. Then? I'm your worst f'ing nightmare." - Former.

Famuky is looming at me ark.

"His eyes said different though...."

Ram's picture

I ask because dh has shown

I ask because dh has shown that he wants to be together. He is getting snipped because we want to be together without risking getting pregnant. He has mentioned living together again but then sighs and mentions what his kids have told him. I never respond other than to say we will figure it out.

downsouthinTX's picture

he already has 3 kids with 2

he already has 3 kids with 2 different women...regardless if you all were an item still or not its a smart choice on his part for getting snipped.

my SO is snipped and he has 2 kids by 1 woman.

Ram's picture

He has 50/50 custody so when

He has 50/50 custody so when he doesn't have his kids he comes and stays with me. When he has the kids I will bring dd and ds by to visit for dinners and we spend the night off and on.
Edit to say - they see me multiple times a week on dhs week.

hereiam's picture

How are they responding to

How are they responding to you?

Ram's picture

They are polite. If I speak

They are polite. If I speak to them they reply with as few words as possible. They spend most of the time in their rooms when we are there and they ignore their baby sister, my dd.

hereiam's picture

It sounds like they are going

It sounds like they are going to need more time, I would not rush it. Not if you want it to work this time.

Ram's picture

That isn't it. We agreed I

That isn't it. We agreed I would stay home with dd until she went to preschool and then I would go back to work. I had to go back to work right away and that makes me a little bitter. It was supposed to be different. I know it was my fault though.

downsouthinTX's picture

is he paying CS to you? that

is he paying CS to you?

that could be a motivator to him as well.

Ram's picture

He pays me $100 a month for

He pays me $100 a month for incidentals like baby Tylenol ect. stuff like that. We have 50/50 custody.

Ram's picture

Dh has 4 kids. My 2 ss and 1

Dh has 4 kids. My 2 ss and 1 sd and our dd plus I have a ds.

downsouthinTX's picture

ok wait...i am confused. he

ok wait...i am confused.
he has 2 bio children with BM.
and he has 1 bio child with you(a baby)
and you have 1 child that isn't DH's.

and the SD? also BM and his bio child?

he has custody of all 3 of these kids?

Ram's picture

He had 3 (2 boys and 1 girl)

He had 3 (2 boys and 1 girl) kids with bm and 1 with me. I have one kid with my ex. Dh has 50/50 custody with all his kids including our baby.

Ram's picture

Your advice is invaluable to

Your advice is invaluable to me. I will not bring this up and I will go slow and steady.

LadyFace's picture

So skids can have mental

So skids can have mental breakdowns, say and do horrible shit, but they should always be welcomed back with open arms. Hell, parents should bankrupt themselves and destroy any and all other relationships in the effort to chase their crazy.

Why do some think wives are disposable? If a SM gets sick or experiences mental illness, fuck her, right? Disgusting.

Keep on keepin' on!

Ram's picture

I don't feel this way. I do

I don't feel this way. I do believe I was tossed to the side and now his kids hate me and we can't live together. I wish it were different.

LadyFace's picture

Sorry, my post was for those

Sorry, my post was for those sharing the sentiment that your husband should just wash his hands of you and parent however he wants.

Eta: and for the record, you may have overreacted about ss holding your baby, but after he was rough with the infant, all gloves would be off. I don't think you overreacted about the kittens. I believe things no one would tolerate are being dismissed because of your ppd. Don't let anyone tell you your concerns are invalid because of ppd. Your reaction may have been over the top, but your instincts are shared by many who think the snake incident was terrible.

Keep on keepin' on!

anotherstep2's picture

You know that the only people

You know that the only people who REALLY matter are the skids and BM. Everyone else who comes along after them is "easy come - easy go." Puzzled

Ram's picture

Thank you so much. I feel as

Thank you so much. I feel as though none of what I want matters and that I don't matter. I was tossed to the side when I needed dh the most and now that I am feeling better and more myself, I want to enjoy my family and I can't. His children are controlling my life and while I will go slow like everyone suggested I doubt they will ever say sure, go ahead and move back in. Sad

LadyFace's picture

Honestly, I think YOU would

Honestly, I think YOU would be better off without that unsupportive dickwad and his sociopath kid.

Keep on keepin' on!

anotherstep2's picture

Word.

Word.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I second this.

I second this.

lintini's picture

Amen ladyface.

Amen ladyface.

Parrots vs Stepson
Messy, loud, and they repeat what you say (and they pick up the bad stuff first)

granny goose's picture

OMG, LadyFace! Ram's SS is

OMG, LadyFace!

Ram's SS is that little psychopath who fed kittens to his snake and tossed her infant on the couch because Ram didn't want his murderous hands touching the child? And she’s being CRITICIZED?!

Ram, I would not want that little shit anywhere near a vulnerable child of mine. Not even a dog. (And most particularly, not a cat.)

Post partum depression notwithstanding, living with that creep and his sisters would throw anybody off balance. How in the f@ck did you get to be the bad guy in this scenario? Frankly, I don’t think that you have a damned thing to apologize for.

anotherstep2's picture

Holy cats - I did not make

Holy cats - I did not make the connection! I thought it was just another run of the mill guilty daddy who could not deal with the birth of an "ours baby" and broke things off at the first sign of conflict. That kid is a psycho and daddy is willfully blind. Why on earth, OP, are you trying to get back in the house with those kids????? If you are happy dating, then knock yourself out but keep your own place. You seriously let him take the baby to be with those kids unsupervised? Did you sign a Custody Agreement and register it with the court or is it informal?

Wow - you really did have a rough episode of PPD and let people make you out to be the complete villain. Think about it now with your recovered psyche. Are you still not completely repulsed by what he did???? I don't think your reaction was hormone based AT ALL! I strongly suggest that you give this entire situation some serious thought.

robin333's picture

LF, of course that's how it

LF, of course that's how it is.

"I've seen dogs with better manners." Aniki

"A healthy future depends on having productive members of society - not basement dwellers." Notasm3

Willow2010's picture

Honestly, I think YOU would

Honestly, I think YOU would be better off without that unsupportive dickwad and his sociopath kid
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THANK YOU! I thought I was the only one to feel this way.

Llilac's picture

I agree. Exactly the reason I

I agree. Exactly the reason I was avoiding this post...

hereiam's picture

Just remember how quick your

Just remember how quick your husband was to move out in the first place. I would be in no hurry to live with him again.

Acratopotes's picture

Ram - my advice , you have

Ram - my advice , you have your own place and DH has his own place - sorry lady but keep it this way....
do not move back in together, it's going to go back to the way it use to be.

You pay for your place and expenses and DH gives you some money for the baby.... DH stays in his place with his kids when they visit and he pays for his expenses and place...

nothing wrong with living separately and still have a marriage, simply do this till the kids aged out, start with a future plan, the history plan did not work, current plan is working do not change it, future plan can be an agreement you will move in together is the only kid in the house is the ours baby....

believe me when I say - it's much much better for one's sanity to have an own place till skids age out...
I have 12 months to go, and with your medical record of stress and anxiety... have your own little cave to hide out in

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

DanielleR's picture

I agree with Acra. You are

I agree with Acra. You are already stressed, I think being in your own home helped contribute to your wellness. Just think about how life was living with someone else's children. I can take skids in small doses. I think at some point, other people's kids annoy everyone. You ever had that neighbor kid that over stays their welcome and you tell them to go home? I told DH I would never live with his kids, I don't think I could even do 50/50, not sure if I could do a true every other weekend and all school breaks. If he ever got them full-time, either me or DH would move out but I wouldn't be able to take the stress of someone else's kids in my home everyday (my job is very stressful and I need true downtime so I don't break). There is nothing wrong with having 2 separate households if it works for you.

Ram's picture

We have a formal custody

We have a formal custody agreement and our dd isn't in his custody when he has his kids except for when I am there.

Livingoutloud's picture

Why do you need to live with

Why do you need to live with him? Or to be married to him?

Ram's picture

I love him. It's stupid but I

I love him. It's stupid but I do. Until dd was born and the snake (please let's not turn that into a debate) incident we were good. His kids were kids but so was my ds.

Livingoutloud's picture

Sometimes love doesn't

Sometimes love doesn't conquer all. Love isn't enough. I think it might be the case here. Your husband loves you too yet he chose his children when you kick his kid out. Sometimes people choose other things in life. Having a partner is important but it's not the one and only important thing in the world.