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Can the kids refuse?

Ram's picture

DH and I have been doing great. We are seeing each other every day and spending the night at each others house although we aren't having "the sex". I don't want to risk getting pregnant again. I had ppd with my first and this time I completely lost it and myself when dd was born. I believe the reason I let him have joint custody of our newborn was because I was scared of becoming overwhelmed and harming her. I don't worry about that now and I feel fantastic! Dh gets the big snip done on the 19th. We have a 3 month wait after that and he gets a test to be sure he is in the clear. I'm counting down the days to be honest..... We are talking about moving in together again and dh said that his kids have threatened to move in with their mom full time if we live together. He is positive that at least one of them will follow through. I understand his concern and his worries but I am much better now and they have seen me and seen that I am no longer the crazy lady I was. My vote is to let them go and hopefully they will come back. He can take the ones who refuse to visit to dinners and still see them. I haven't brought this up to him yet. We have a marriage counseling meeting tonight and I was thinking of proposing this to him. Do you think it's a good idea or a bad one? His kids would be welcome in our home if they decide to come.

Comments

Ram's picture

The main problem was my ppd and well what ss did but please I don't want another debate with that. I don't think dh will be okay with his kids living with bm full time but at the same time he misses me, ds and our dd. I will listen to him but do you think it is to soon to put this out there?

Ram's picture

Okay. So hold steady then and don't mention this. We have at least 3 1/2 months before we are even going to be intimate anyway. I was just thinking out loud.

Ram's picture

I was very sick and dh knew I had a history of ppd. I didn't realize what was happening till after I lost it. Since this happened I have gotten help and proven to everyone that I am getting better.

Ram's picture

Dh is a good parent and he has never allowed his children to dictate anything to him. I threw ss out when my ppd was at it's worse and he left with them.

Maxwell09's picture

I think you need to live the lesson you learned and let him do what he thinks is best for his children and just follow his lead.

Maxwell09's picture

I think you need to ask your DH what he wants to do? Is moving in together something you are pushing or something he is encouraging? How does he think it will go if y'all move in together again? How will things be different on his end? How will he deal with the skids and their reaction? Will he be able to live with his kids leaving him because you are there or will that build up resentment towards you or your children?

I personally don't think you should live together until his kids age out or move out on their own accord. You can't expect someone to just get over the way you treated them and while your DH accepts your excuse-to them it is still just an excuse and they don't trust you aren't crazy anymore. Only time and slow moving will gain the trust back.

Tuff Noogies's picture

correct. dont even go there for quite some time.

have you ever watched a stone wall being laid? stone by stone. one at a time. sometimes pieces have to be reshuffled for a better fit. this is what you need to build with your dh.

Ram's picture

I ask because dh has shown that he wants to be together. He is getting snipped because we want to be together without risking getting pregnant. He has mentioned living together again but then sighs and mentions what his kids have told him. I never respond other than to say we will figure it out.

Ram's picture

He has 50/50 custody so when he doesn't have his kids he comes and stays with me. When he has the kids I will bring dd and ds by to visit for dinners and we spend the night off and on.
Edit to say - they see me multiple times a week on dhs week.

Ram's picture

They are polite. If I speak to them they reply with as few words as possible. They spend most of the time in their rooms when we are there and they ignore their baby sister, my dd.

hereiam's picture

It sounds like they are going to need more time, I would not rush it. Not if you want it to work this time.

Ram's picture

That isn't it. We agreed I would stay home with dd until she went to preschool and then I would go back to work. I had to go back to work right away and that makes me a little bitter. It was supposed to be different. I know it was my fault though.

Ram's picture

He pays me $100 a month for incidentals like baby Tylenol ect. stuff like that. We have 50/50 custody.

Ram's picture

He had 3 (2 boys and 1 girl) kids with bm and 1 with me. I have one kid with my ex. Dh has 50/50 custody with all his kids including our baby.

Ram's picture

I don't feel this way. I do believe I was tossed to the side and now his kids hate me and we can't live together. I wish it were different.

Ram's picture

Thank you so much. I feel as though none of what I want matters and that I don't matter. I was tossed to the side when I needed dh the most and now that I am feeling better and more myself, I want to enjoy my family and I can't. His children are controlling my life and while I will go slow like everyone suggested I doubt they will ever say sure, go ahead and move back in. Sad

Willow2010's picture

Honestly, I think YOU would be better off without that unsupportive dickwad and his sociopath kid
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
THANK YOU! I thought I was the only one to feel this way.

hereiam's picture

Just remember how quick your husband was to move out in the first place. I would be in no hurry to live with him again.

Acratopotes's picture

Ram - my advice , you have your own place and DH has his own place - sorry lady but keep it this way....
do not move back in together, it's going to go back to the way it use to be.

You pay for your place and expenses and DH gives you some money for the baby.... DH stays in his place with his kids when they visit and he pays for his expenses and place...

nothing wrong with living separately and still have a marriage, simply do this till the kids aged out, start with a future plan, the history plan did not work, current plan is working do not change it, future plan can be an agreement you will move in together is the only kid in the house is the ours baby....

believe me when I say - it's much much better for one's sanity to have an own place till skids age out...
I have 12 months to go, and with your medical record of stress and anxiety... have your own little cave to hide out in

Ram's picture

We have a formal custody agreement and our dd isn't in his custody when he has his kids except for when I am there.

Ram's picture

I love him. It's stupid but I do. Until dd was born and the snake (please let's not turn that into a debate) incident we were good. His kids were kids but so was my ds.

Livingoutloud's picture

Sometimes love doesn't conquer all. Love isn't enough. I think it might be the case here. Your husband loves you too yet he chose his children when you kick his kid out. Sometimes people choose other things in life. Having a partner is important but it's not the one and only important thing in the world.