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Step Princess Hell

Simpleton21's picture

This is my first ever blog entry. I have been here a while, reading other's stories, and commenting here and there. I'm finally brave enough to make my own entry Smile A quick backstory - I'm engaged, my fiancé has a 9 y/o daughter from his previous relationship and I have a 9 y/o son from my previous relationship and together we have a 2 y/o. His ex has full custody of his daughter who I will refer to as PE...that P stands for princess of course b/c she is treated as such. We get her Tues and Thurs and EOW. We have my older son full time b/c his dad decided to develop a meth habit in the past few years and is currently in jail.

I am so thankful to have found this site b/c I found I am not alone in my agony. I also found out about mini wife syndrome and Disney dad. My SO and PE fit into both of these categories to a small extent. He doesn't make a lot of money or he would be a full blown Disney dad.

Okay, now onto the reason I'm making my first blog. I'm getting to the point that I am completely fed up and starting to resent PE even though I know it is really her BM and dad that are the issue. At her mom's she is the only child and completely spoiled rotten. My first complaint is that I feel my fiancé thinks of her above EVERYONE else and we do have a son together. For example, he is winning his fantasy football league and said he wants to do a daddy/daughter date and will pay for a mother/son date too when he gets the pay out. My issue with this is that we haven't been on a date in almost a year b/c we are strapped for money and his first thought when he gets paid is to take her out and not me?!?! I pay the majority of the bills because I make more and he has child support coming out of his pay and is paying on a loan. I would prefer that he pays off some debt instead of taking his little princess out. Now I know some of you will get on me about them needing time together. Well I'm perfectly okay and onboard with that and he gets it....EVERY week and it is actually a relief to me b/c she isn't at my house driving me crazy! Her mom always has her enrolled in an activity so on his days during the week he is usually taking her to that and spending 1 on 1 time with her. Plus it isn't like she never gets to do anything. We can't even rent any new movies at home b/c her BM has already taken her to the theater to see them as soon as they come out. It isn't like she is missing out on anything. Second example, he won a $50 gift card at my company Christmas party and the first thing he says is "I can buy something for PE with this!" Really?!!? WTF!?!? We already bought her the main big gift and didn't have 1 thing yet for our 2 y/o but of course he only thinks about getting her more. I thought split it with the older 2. Especially since my son's dad is in jail so he won't be getting gifts from two households like his precious snowflake! I did bring this all to his attention but he just gets defensive and I don't know what to do about it. I know my son isn't his responsibility and I don't expect him to buy him anything but our younger son is ours together. You would think he would want to get him something at least!!!!

My other issue is how he has daddy blinders on for all her lying and manipulation but if my son does something wrong he is on him. I don't care that my son is disciplined for doing wrong. I care that he doesn't discipline her the same. He gives her "talks" while my kid gets yelled at or actual consequences like no xbox. I tried to disengage at first but I couldn't handle watching her lie straight to his face and him believing it so I call her out if I see it. If he doesn't nip her behavior in the bud now it will only get worse.

I think the most annoying thing about PE is her constant need for attention. I think this is b/c her mother is a helicopter parent at her house and that is not my parenting style at all. When she is at our house she is always up his butt and always saying "daddy watch" even if he just sat down from watching her. It isn't just her daddy's attention she wants thought. It is everyone. Even my step mom and dad have caught onto this and are annoyed. She is in gymnastics and every time she learns something new she has to show EVERYONE not just once but a billion times. It loses its luster after hearing/seeing it the first 10 times!

I guess this was probably more of a rant than anything. If anyone has any advice though please tell me. I don't want to feel this way towards a child but it is hard not to.

Comments

uofarkchick's picture

Why isn't he working a second job if he is not contributing equally to the household? Doesn't he want to be able to contribute more?
If he doesn't make much money, why is he buying in to a fantasy league? Some of those buy ins aren't cheap. He sounds irresponsible.
Mom should be scheduling the child's activities on her time if she is the only one that wants her to participate. If dad wants to spend time with his daughter at home, then he can do that. If he chooses not to, then that's on him.
Your problem is not Princess P, it's your boyfriend. It's not too late to back out of this whole marriage thing....

Simpleton21's picture

Wow sueu2 you are awfully judgmental! I am not a desperate woman. Thank you for that lovely helpful advice! I have seen your other comments though so I'm not to surprised by your nastiness!

uofarkchick's picture

I don't agree with Sue too often but I think she's right. Maybe you're in denial about the whole thing.

Simpleton21's picture

uofarchick - He did work a 2nd job for several months but it was hard for both of us because he does help a lot with the boys when he is home. When we got caught up at that point I had him quit the 2nd job because I needed his help also. This year has been a rough year though. The fantasy football league wasn't his ideas. It is my dad's league he joined and my dad paid b/c he wanted him to play and they were missing a player and that is why I didn't get upset about that. It was no out of pocket money to us.

I haven't set a date to get married yet because of all of this.

uofarkchick's picture

How did he get caught up if he has an outstanding loan that he is paying on?
I know you think some of us are harsh but for me, personally, I just wish someone had done me a favor and broke it down to me before I made so many huge mistakes. Maybe you're luckier and smarter than I am and your life will be unicorns and glitter. And I sincerely hope that for you and your boys. My ex is in prison so I know what's it's like to raise kids by yourself. I can look back now and go "Dang, I was a desperate chick! Ewww!" But I didn't want to hear it while I was actually making all my mistakes. It might sound mean now but hopefully you can take away something from it that helps your situation.

Simpleton21's picture

I meant we were caught up on all of our regularly monthly bills and I just consider the loan one of the monthly bills and he pays that bill I do not. He was going to pay the loan off last year at tax time but his car died and he had to get a new one. I don't fault him for that. He didn't go get into a car payment and he needs transportation to/from work to continue to try to pay off debt. I don't think you are all harsh and I can take constructive criticism. I don't see sueu2's comments as constructive criticism she comes off very harsh, judgmental and bitter in my opinion. I do agree that in my first relationship I was a very desperate woman....actually a desperate girl because I was young and dumb and scared but I found the strength to leave that relationship to better my life and my son's. I learned from that experience. My fiancé now isn't like him at all. He may not have money but he isn't a bad person. I def don't claim to be lucky, lol, or smarter than others, you can always learn something from others even dumb/and or mean people! Wink

uofarkchick's picture

When I was young, I dated some straight up losers. You're definitely not alone in that.

Icansorelate's picture

why are you with him? Seriously, what is he adding to your life? It seems to me that is is taking your resources, your time and everything else you give. what are you getting?

Simpleton21's picture

I never had money growing up so I wasn't raised thinking that money is everything. I'm with him ironically because when we first met I was impressed with how involved he was with his daughter and saw it as a good thing. He is also a good dad to our son and helps a lot with my older son. My main irritation is that he seems to feel guilty about not having PE full time and overcompensates for that without thinking about how it affects everyone else in the house.

Decemberbliss's picture

How are things when she isn't around? Is he good to your kids and you? The relationship should always be the priority, it must feel terrible when it's not.

Simpleton21's picture

It is great when she isn't there! He helps change diapers and plays with our 2 year old. He picks my oldest up from school for me b/c he gets out of work before me. He helps with house chores. I can tell that he truly loves my older son and I think that is part of my problem. I don't feel like I love his daughter. I care about her and would never harm her but I don't love her like my own. He does all of this when she is there also but she just clings to him and wants constant attention. At 9 I think she should also be able to entertain herself!

Simpleton21's picture

Trust me. I have thought of breaking it off b/c I know that I shouldn't feel that way towards his daughter. That is why I have talked to him about it. It is hard b/c he does get defensive when it comes to her. He isn't a complete deadbeat which I guess I should have mentioned in my blog. He pays what he can but he is definitely irresponsible with his money.

GoingWicked's picture

First and foremost, you care way too much about what's going on with your skid. I know because I've BTDT. Best advice: Ignore the skid. She has 2 capable loving parents looking out for her, you have 2 kids of your own to worry about, with only one parent worrying about them, so you don't need to worry about her behavior, chores, what she eats, when she showers, buying her gifts, or making sure she gets daddy daughter time. That is 100% his responsibility, and he will reap what he sows... and he will, he'll learn, he'll see her behavior, and eventually it will drive him bonkers and he'll do something about it, or not. Unless she's hurting you or yours, totally not your problem. Second, don't worry about his loans, simply refuse to get married to him until his debt is clear, firmly tell your fiance that he needs to pony up the money for his and his daughter's portion of the bills, if he's able to take her out to eat, and enjoy fantasy football, he should also be able to help pay for a roof over her head as well. You all need to sit down and make a 50/50 budget, and prioritize his debt after that. Then put your own left over money into savings. I totally get that you want to help him out, but he's irresponsibly spending money that should be used for necessities, and your charity could be better used elsewhere.

Simpleton21's picture

Thank you! This is what I was hoping for. Advice that can be helpful! I agree on what you have said. I do try to disengage with her b/c she does have 2 loving parents hyper focused on her! He doesn't completely ignore the other 2 children though. He does help with them a lot. The budget is something we really need to sit down and go over. Since he makes less he usually gets a better tax return and plans on paying off the loan with that and contributing more financially at that point. He didn't spend any money on the fantasy football league. That was my dad's doing. He wanted him to replace someone in the league and he paid b/c he knew we couldn't afford to.

Simpleton21's picture

Yes, this is my issue too! Lately it does feel like he puts me on the back burner but it hasn't always felt that way. I do feel like we are in a relationship though. We do have open communication and usually when I bring things to his attention he will address them.

Simpleton21's picture

We have a son together that he does help out with a lot. Both of my children love PE. She is their sister and she hasn't ever harmed them anyway. She is spoiled but not evil. He also helps a lot with my older son (who's father is in jail) and he doesn't have to but he wants to. I guess we can see here that I haven't always made the best choice in men! I realize that is on me. However, he isn't all bad just because he doesn't make as much money. The problem is how he isn't responsible with the money and he wants to spoil PE and we can't.

Simpleton21's picture

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. It sucks because I do love him and he has some good qualities. I'm afraid it will get worse though and I don't want that! That is why I came here for advice!

2badsosad's picture

I agree with Granny. You really need to stick up for yourself and stop the madness. You are right when you say it's PE's parents fault. Because it IS. Unless you have a come to Jesus talk with him and get things rolling in a positive direction, you will be stuck in that step hell forever. Or at least until she's 18. Do you really want to wait 9 years? I hope your answer is no. Get a therapist, QUICKLY!

Simpleton21's picture

Thank you Granny!

He honestly doesn't exclude the boys. We only have PE part time and even when she is there despite her constantly wanting to be the center of attention he doesn't just ignore the others. The exclusion part seems to be only financially really and the boys are young enough to not notice this. I just get irritated that when he does get any extra money instead of immediately thinking to pay off debt he thinks of buying PE something or taking her somewhere and it isn't like she is lacking on any activities/material possessions. When I do bite his head off about it he will do whatever I tell him to. I just don't want to have to do that!

His ex is a high conflict BM and when they divorced she got him by the balls in their custody agreement. That was his fault but I didn't know him then. I don't want to banish his daughter. I just want him to parent her better. The other problem there though is that even when I do point things out and he enforces it in our home she still gets whatever she wants and behaves however she wants at mommy's house.

I know many of you seem to think I am afraid of losing him if I bring up change. I am not afraid of losing him. I have told him this. I know that I can survive on my own without a man. I have done this before and I'm not afraid of doing it again. I think counseling might be a good option because maybe an outside voice will make him realize I am not trying to nit pick his daughter...just improve our home!

I don't consider his daughter toxic because it isn't her fault. She has learned how to manipulate both households to get what she wants but that is because mommy and daddy work against each other instead of together. Which I have also pointed out to him on several occasions.

Simpleton21's picture

No, I haven't because most of the time I see you as a self righteous ass hat that is very judgmental. Taking a small glimpse of a person's life and judging them on that and then belittling them. I am not a weak woman at all. You don't know my life story you read one rant of mine and you respond with such bitterness! What is making you such a hateful person?! An evil step mom?!?! I believe I addressed in my rant that I know the child isn't to blame here. I am not jealous of her at all. I am annoyed with the poor parenting between her father and BM!

Have I made mistakes in the past? Yes!!! I met my older son's father when I was 16 and we had a toxic relationship and when I had my son with him I realized that I didn't need him and I deserved better for me and my son so I left him.

I am not desperate for a man at all! I have told my fiancé that if things don't change he will have to move out because I know that I can do this on my own.

I do have standards. My current fiancé met those standards. Recently some financial things have hit him from the past that I didn't know about. I didn't do a credit check before dating him....my bad!

I don't have babies with every man I meet! I have two children. One from my first 11 year toxic relationship and one with my current relationship. You're the judgmental person here as far as I can tell.

Yes, I came here for advice as many others do. Except you. I think you come here because you are a bitter/hateful step child of someone that treated you poorly. I don't know your story and I don't care b/c there are a lot nicer ways you can talk to people but you chose to be nasty! I think you need some self reflection as well!

Simpleton21's picture

Thank you very much! Trust me I do give him heck. He isn't rude to me though. He is actually a very loving man. One of the reasons I fell for him!

Simpleton21's picture

Yes, I came to vent and see if anyone had any helpful advice! I am thankful for those who were able to make some unbiased suggestions that could help us! I am a strong woman and I will always stand up for myself and my children!

Simpleton21's picture

^^^^ This but with her personality that might night be to easy....

furkidsforme's picture

Why on earth did you decide to have a kid with a guy who can't afford the kid he already has?

uofarkchick's picture

This is the real question, Fur. And I know because I had children with someone that couldn't afford to pay child support on a kid he had from a previous marriage. I should have realized that if he couldn't take care of one, he couldn't take care of more.
I'm beginning to think that Sue is on the right track with this desperate woman thing. I was a desperate woman then and made a horrible choice when I married my ex.

Simpleton21's picture

This is your definition of a desperate woman sueu2. My definition differs and we are allowed that. Doesn't make either of us right or wrong. I think a desperate woman is one that stays in a situation because she is afraid of being alone (not me)....one that depends on a man financially (again not me)....one that will only date rich men even if they treat her like shit b/c they will take care of her (again not me). A man not being rich doesn't make him a sorry excuse of a person. Yes, my fiancé definitely needs to learn financial responsibility but that doesn't mean he is a complete ass! I also had financial debts from my previous relationship that but I was able to file bankruptcy (not proud of that but I had to start somewhere). I just happen to have a better paying job. He cares for all of the children. He changes diapers. He does dishes. He cleans. He helps me cook. I've learned from my past and because of that I know that I will not tolerate many things. The issues I have here though are issues that can be fixed in my opinion and if not because of unwillingness on his part I will kick him out.

Simpleton21's picture

The pregnancy wasn't planned obviously but at he could afford the kid he had already and has always been a good father to both of them.

Simpleton21's picture

Thanks for the advice, even you sueu2 and uofarkchick, even though I don't think you hit the nail on the head at all. That's okay. I'm thankful that I know better of myself. I expected some rude comments here and that is generally why I just read and don't post. I think some other people here did give some helpful advice instead of just assuming that I'm some desperate, insecure, man hungry whore that is jealous of my step daughter. In all honesty I want the best for my step daughter as I do my own. I'm not afraid of being alone and I'm not afraid of addressing the changes I want him to make with him and working together with him. He is a good father to my sons he just doesn't spoil them which isn't what I want anyways. I want him to learn to be more financially responsible and realize that spoiling his daughter isn't doing her any favors either.

If things don't change I will leave him and desperately search for another man immediately to move into my home and have more kids with right away, lol! j/k for those of you who may not get my sarcasm!

Simpleton21's picture

This first response isn't rude?
"Sorry a$$ men don't get a second job when they have desperate women taking care of them."

I never back tracked I responded to others questions that they asked before just making a nasty ass comment and passing judgment! I don't hate you at all. I don't know you and you have no power over me. I just think that maybe you could be a little more empathetic when offering such great advice...oh wait....I missed your advice in that first comment as there was NONE!!!!!

Now in your other comment I can agree that self reflection is very important...I think you should take your own advice Wink

Simpleton21's picture

"Sorry a$$ men don't get a second job when they have desperate women taking care of them."

This is not cold, hard ugly truth about myself...this is a quick harsh judgment...in my opinion.

We all have opinions. Sometimes the truth does hurt but her assessment isn't the truth. I think she just comes off as a bitter old woman. Maybe that is the truth and it hurts her.

I'm not here to try to hurt people. I am here to gain support and help. I actually went and read some of sueu2's other blogs to figure out why she would come across so hateful and found that she doesn't always sound hateful.

She never answered my question though....did she have an awful step mom?!? It seems she lashes out on step moms the most. Oh well!

Simpleton21's picture

Yes, this ^^^! There are ways that sueu2 could have been more empathetic in her response. Instead it was a bashing of my character when she didn't even take the time to learn more of the situation. Then she accuses me of back tracking which I did not do at all! I merely provided more information for others to gain insight and maybe give some helpful advice.

Sueu2 did give some good advice on self reflection and finding myself. I think that is a continual struggle for most people and I do take that into consideration.

I just hate to see people come to a site for help/support and get nasty responses instead of some compassion. Even if the "truth" is ugly you don't have to be!!!!

Simpleton21's picture

Thank you! I can handle someone being harsh with me and when I posted this I expected at least 1 person to be harsh with me since I have read other posts. I just don't see the need for it. People are here for advice and support. The way you respond to these things is a reflection of you as a person not them.

As I said before, part of sueu2's message was solid advice, and I have taken that into consideration.

WalkOnBy's picture

she can be accurate, but her delivery is in desperate need of an overhaul.

More flies with honey...

Simpleton21's picture

I agree with this ^^^^ 100% It is like her opinion or "facts" or whatever she wants to label it as is the only correct answer and I'm just desperate, lol! I kinda giggle every time I say that because it couldn't be further from the truth. The condescending attitude is what got me. I am all about hearing what other's have to say but there is no reason to do it with such bitterness!

Simpleton21's picture

This isn't your opinion below sueu2?!?!?!

"Sorry a$$ men don't get a second job when they have desperate women taking care of them."

Cause that was the first comment you went with....sounds a lot like your opinion....

I am very aware of the choices I have made. I am also aware that I am the only one that can make changes to my situation. That wasn't your initial "advice" or "words of wisdom to me though!

I comprehend everything I have read. You are creating every opportunity to show what you think of me but expect me to just sit by idly?!?! I don't think I have made myself look incapable of reading/comprehension in any way. I stand by my comments. I will even apologize for calling you an ass hat. I didn't need to say that. You continue to drive that point in on your own. Other's can see that and your responses are a reflection of you and your thoughts not mine!

Simpleton21's picture

Thank you dancinginthe.... I didn't like what Sueu2 said because of the tone and manner she used. Her immediate response was to bash me and my fiancé without even asking a question....he was a sorry ass man and I'm a desperate woman. I am not in the exact same situation as my first relationship. My fiancé is not verbally or mentally abusive. He merely isn't financially responsible and wants to spoil his princess daughter....both things that can be worked on if you have people willing to try. I haven't made him leave because when I do address thing he does try usually. Just gets defensive when it comes to his daughter. I think this what I really want help on. How do I talk to him about her without sounding bitter and hateful as sueu2 does?!?!

Simpleton21's picture

Great idea! Definitely always better to start with positive feedback then to just bash someone Wink Thank you!!! I will try that! As well as a few other suggestions from people truly trying to help!

IslandGal's picture

Back in 2012..SO and I went to see a Counselor who specializes in step blended families. We were dealing with a resentful, angry 12 yr old who was convinced that only she was good enough for her Dad. She believed she also knew better than her Gma..SO's mom. She was the mini wife..and he was the guilty disney dad. He was single for 6 yrs as their Mom abandoned them to explore her lesbianism and returned with a young female lover after 4 yrs. After we began dating..the dramas started and I thought I was losing my mind.

Counsellor told us that relationships are like an onion. Only the couple could be at the core. Each layer signified relationships. First layer were kids..2nd layer grandparents..3rd layer relatives..4th friends..and so on and so forth. The core of the onion was what held it all together. If the core was rotten..the whole onion got thrown out. To keep the onion whole..the core must remain pure and strong. Problems arise when 1 layer tries to overlap the other.

SD was forever trying to push her way in to the core..or SO was trying to pull her in. We had to figure out how to teach her to accept our relationship and guide her the best way we could. We also had SS who was 10 at the time. He accepted us and loved that his Dad was happy..loved to hear him bellowing with laughter. SD took it as SO being selfish for loving another woman. BM agreed and supported her.

That Counsellor helped SO see the role he played and helped us understand how to put up boundaries and stick to them. Its still a mess..SD has refused to see SO for going on 3 yrs. Last she contacted was Xmas 2015 when she sent him a text calling him a "sperm donor and a useless cunt of a father". This was in response to an email SO sent to BM about crashing an invite to his nieces party. No response from BM..just that text from SD16. That was it for SO. He no longer wants anything more to do with her.

I hope your hubby sees the light and puts you as no. 1 priority and kids as his no. 1 responsibility. Men dont get/see this unless its pointed out to them. Like understanding that the love shown to each, is strong..just different.

Simpleton21's picture

Thank you IslandGal for sharing your experience and telling me about the onion. I think that makes sense. Counseling would definitely be beneficial for all of us. I had a talk with him over the long weekend about money/priorities/etc. I truly hope things get better for us but if not I will have to re-evaluate my priorities and do what is best for my children!

Simpleton21's picture

LOL, sueu2, nearly 1/2 my thread was responding to you and your insistent posting about me being a desperate woman! I'm not crying about it! I'm laughing about it. I was merely standing up for myself and providing more information for those actually interested in providing useful advice.

It absolutely was your first comment that I took issue with and responded to and exactly what I was referring to when I said you were nasty and rude. I think if you actually read my other responses you would see that I do believe some of the advice that you gave was honestly good advice. I even read comments you left others and can see that you have something valuable to offer others. Yet you still want to argue about your thoughts/opinions of me like they are an absolute truth! I'm not trying to argue with you. I know that you won't change your mind about what kind of woman I am and what kind of man I am engaged to based on any information I give. I stood up for myself to you. That is what kind of woman I am. You can call me desperate all you want it doesn't make it true. That is and always will be YOUR OPINION!

Yes, I have noticed what this site is for and that is another reason I questioned why you were here. When you spout out advice in that manner (your very first comment) if you can even call that first comment advice you seem bitter! I was curious about why you were here! Thanks for clearing that up. I'll stop picturing a bitter old step child on the other end here Wink I'm also glad to hear that you learned all your lessons on the very FIRST try/failed relationship! BRAVO!!!!! You are obviously leaps and bounds above everyone else here due to that!