15 y/o stepdaughter wanting dinner with her dad my husband and her bio mom only. Siblings and I aren't invited.
I have a 15 y/o stepdaughter I don't have a very good relationship. Her dad and I have been together 7 years. We have a 6 y/o son together and I have an 11 y/o daughter from a previous relationship. My daughter doesn't see her dad at all. I've not pushed for a relationship due to her having a very involved mother and I didn't want to step on any toes. Though I've always bought equally for the kids for birthdays and Christmas. I go to as many events as possible for her at times her only parent there. Always invite her to activities even if her dad isn't attending. Always to be turned down. She use to stay equally between both house holds till 2 years ago when she quit coming over. Due to rules in our house hold like going to bed and getting off cell phones at a decent time on school nights. Help w chores etc...Big thing is hearing no from me because I believe in trying to discipline equally. My husband and her mom never tell her no and she always gets to make all decisions. Problem is both of the other kids are noticing this and commenting to me how they feel and see she gets everything she wants. I've spoke to my husband about this and how he communicates more w his ex and his daughter and us other 3 are left out. He responds he always heard no as a child and never got to do anything. That's fine but the other 2 hear no all the time. His daughter now wants to be taken out of school for a special lunch w just him her and his ex-wife for the daughter's birthday. He just took her on a special daddy daughter date and shopping which he does w my daughter also for birthdays . Should I be upset that it feels he is allowing her to put an even bigger wedge between her and i, him and I and him and the other children? My daughter was very upset and felt left out since it was planned when she was present and I was not, I heard about it from my daughter.
So it's planned? Definitely
So it's planned? Definitely going ahead? Wow.
I feel for you. My stepdaughter hasn't been here in over a year now - we treat her as a 13 yo, her mother gives her equal say in all decisions, including adult decisions, and doesn't make her do anything she doesn't want to do, ever.
My darling husband was absolutely broken when she announced she was no longer going to come here. I've never seen him in so much pain. Little bitch.
My stepdaughter will only see my husband without me, so he takes her out for dinner about once a fortnight. I hate it but it is what it is.
I would definitely have a
I would definitely have a problem with this. Anything where the exW is included and I am specifically excluded - I would have an issue with. I think your partner should have refused his daughter, and if this was all decided without even checking with you then he is treating you like dirt.
Welcome to the site, btw! :-)
So this, to me, is the danger
So this, to me, is the danger of a stepmother taking over discipline from a weak and wimpy Disney Dad. I know the alternative is just as bad, which is for her to get away with murder at your house, which is no good either.
I personally wouldn't stay married to a man who thinks kids should never hear the word "no", and left all parenting to me, even of his own child? But if you are staying, then you have to tell the kids that in your house, the rules stay and they can just suck it up, never mind what goes on with SD. They are YOUR kids, and so the rules are different for them.
And I'd be fine with DH doing stuff alone with his daughter, but not with the ex. Though in the end, I'd lose all respect for him for being such a ball-less wimp.
This is basically them 3 living in the past
instead of accepting reality that your husband has moved on, has a new child together with you. Sd is intentionally excluding you all and hubby is going along.
we had 2 past visits with my hubbys 3 kids with ex because they couldn’t and wouldn’t come over to our house because mummy says so and because they are lazy. By the 2nd meet alone hubby realising “hang on i’m at work all week, spend maybe 1-2 hours with the kids before bedtime, now weekends i have to pick up all 3 kids with the exwife because they won’t meet wherever is convenient for us or meet us halfway, now my wife and 2 toddlers are home alone and my 3 kids with ex never ask about us, they couldn’t care less”. So he told them these visits alone will not happen anymore as they are intentionally excluding us when me and our 2 kids are part of hubbys family so they either accept it or there will be no more visits. The eldest daughter said hopefully she can meet up, ss as usual silence because he only cares of himself.
when your husband is going behind your back, making all these plans without discussing with you, excluding you intentionally, he is living in the past and not accept its the present and working towards future he should be living so he’s still emotionally married to the ex
See, now that's a man who can
See, now that's a man who can stand up for himself and his new family. That's how it's done.
Trust me it took a long time to get to this placeand intentional
Me telling hubby i felt his kids with ex walked all over him, emotionally guilt him because that is what they’ve seen mum do to their dad their whole life and the same shit is going on. Except they have been to blinded to see there are 3 new people in hubbys life who have shown what a functional marriage and relationship should be. Even our 2 toddlers are setting a better example than 3 stepkids of ex aged 13, 20 & 23.
they’ve tried to guilt and manipulate him playing happy family just them 3 kids of ex wife intentionally excluding us. Hypocritical thing is they do not contact their dad during the week, only when they need something and ss who lives with us when not at university totall ignores everyone in household and only talks to dad when he needs something (usually money), our 2 toddlers always demanding cuddles from their dad, always playing and talking to him so it wasn’t hard for hubby to get to the realisation that this is such hypocritical bullshit he’s dealing with his elder 3 kids and he’s very disappointed and lost respect for them behaving this way. I chose to not participate in these meets because ex-wife thinks she can inconvenience me and our 2 toddlers by demanding i be present at these meet ups where we are ignored.
I got to a point where i saw eldest daughter ask her brother what he was having and he said steak, its real nice, want some? That is the only conversation they had the whole lunch and i sat there thinking i’m wasting 8-9 hours away from home forced to cater to them, drive hours away to pick their lazy arses then go to whereever shopping mall for lunch then drop everyone off when i could be having productive time at home with our kids and me and our 3 kids are being ignored by them. No thanks!!
hubby came to the same realisation too and not alot of spouses get to this point.
i read that these people don’t realise they have an objective person in their spouse who sees things the bio parent may not so they shouldn’t dismiss them but thank them for bringing this to their attention.
stepkids need to grow up and mature with the real world thats tough. Op sk is no doubt intentionally excluding her parents new family and siblings and thats not ok. Birthdays are always spent with family
Not certain what is going on
1. Is your DD complaining about what your DH does for his own DD's birthday? She needs to be told not her business.Agree with pps, stop getting information from her. I would not be happy with his ex being there, but I would trust my DH enough not to go balistic.
2. Your SD is 15. I seriously doubt if she cares about you coming to her events at this point.
3. As to rules re bedtime, etc., does the 15YO have age approriate limits? Or do you lump the 11 and 15 with the same rules. Are the younger kids complaining that the 15YO has different rules?
4. You said that you did not push for your ex to be a father to your 11Yo becuase you were so involved, but it looks to me that you have tried to replaced him with your DH. That is very dangerous.
ETA -- if SD has stopped coming over, how in the world are the othes complaining about unequal treatment.
Special lunch with only
SD, your SO and BM. NO, NO, NO. They should not be playing HAPPY FAMILY !!! They could of stayed together, and play Happy Family 24/7. But they did not. When someone goes into a new relationship, there are rules, looks like SD has no rules also DH has no rules. This would be the first “ hill to died on “ NO this would not happen if he wants to stay with you. Because it’s looks like there will be many more.
Not invited to graduation, wedding, grandkids. You will be paying for it and not invited. As I am sure you will be paying for lunch for them. Can’t let this happen
Why do you say she will be paying?
What makes you think OP will be paying? Do spouses not have any discretionary funds? Is OP paying her share for her kid?
No child should be taken out
No child should be taken out of school for lunch , whether their birthday nor not. Regardless of if you and other siblings/step siblings were also invited. The kid belongs in school.
IMO, the SD wanting both Mommy and Daddy to escort her for a special birthday lunch is playing games, with both her parents. The parents have been divorced at least roughly seven years. She knows d*mn well after all these years this isn't how her birthday will work. But what has my mid going WTF? Why did your DH agree to this? It's all sorts of wrong. And no, inviting you and the other kids would not make the request any better.
There are plenty of life events where SD's parents will be both attending (her graduation, wedding, possible grandchildren births) but 15th birthday lunch isn't one of them. You mention your Dh has two older adult children also. Do these two belong to this same BM s the 15 year old? If so, did DH run off and have special lunches with BM for them too?
And now the other hand... while I do not approve with this 'planned' lunch, I also do not agree that your bio daughter (who is not your DH's) should be comparing what she gets/does/to what happens with the SD15. SD15 has two active parents, your bio daughter has one active parent. There is no comparing the two situations. Sd15 should not be expected to only get actions from her father that your Dh is also willing to do for your bio daughter.
You're upset Dh is thinking of going to a private lunch with SD and BM, but I have a hunch for your bio daughter she is more upset about the thought her stepsister may be getting to cut school an gets two birthday lunches vs her not getting to cut school and your DH only taking her for one birthday shopping/lunch dinner. There is no reason for your bio daughter to be out of sorts about the idea your DH may do something with his birth bio daughter that he doesn't do with your child that isn't his.
But anyway, bottom line? H*ll no. No extra birthday lunch with just BM and Dad. No cutting school. And if your DH wants a wife after the 'planned' lunch he best learn to tell his little darling NO.
Skipping school
I do not beleive in skipping school, but where I live, High School students can leave the campus for lunch. If they have a free period on either side of lunch, they can be out for that too. Would OP rather they do the lunch on a Saturday? Doing it during school is less intrusive to her family.
First of all just no to the
First of all just no to the lunch with the ex.
Second you have a very similar situation to me and sounds like your SD has the same entitlement issues mine does. Instead of being grateful and feeling lucky that she gets more and has 2 parents shes decided that shes just more deserving as a person and is entitled to get her way all the time. It's a difficult situation because it's really impossible to make it completely fair and it's not actually good for either kid.
And to your DH...of course he hated hearing no all the time as a kid, what kid doesnt? But that doesnt mean saying yes ALL the time is good for a kid. If kids knew what was good for them they wouldn't need us to parent them.
After seven years?
Is your man really that dense? Not sure how you put up with him for so long. His answer to that request should have been NO. If everyone got along, then maybe yes, but he is clearly showing that he has no idea about the games b!tches play... I would be very on guard if I were you.
Bitch?
Is that word referring to the SD? I hope not. Actually, I don't see a need to use that word. I agree, he should have just said I will birthday with the SD by myself. But I would like to know more, does OP expect that she and her DD get included? Was this a move by the kid to avoid them?
Maybe to announce she's
Maybe to announce she's pregnant? Or gay? Or wants a car?
Nope, No lunch between the
Nope, No lunch between the SKid, the XW and your DH without you present. IMHO of course.
And... why is anyone allowing SD-15 to just not visit? There is a court order in place. She visits or ... BM suffers through a contempt motion for failing to surrender the Skid per the visitation CO. Each and every time the SKid is not surrendered for visitation. Lather, rinse, repeat.
She cannot refuse visitation as long as she is a minor. And daddy needs to keep bringing the pain rather than surrendering his testicles to his daugther and XW.
Simplistic answer
If it goes to court, in many places, the judge will allow visitation to stop. And I doubt OP can make her DH "bring the pain."
Direct and simple works far
Direct and simple works far more effectively, more often than not, than the catering to a toxic blended family opposition which rarely works if at all.
If a judge will not enforce the CO that they issued, then find a different judge who will.
We kept the pain front and center for 16+ years and kept the toxic blended family opposition mostly under control. This allowed us to protect the best interests of my SS and my wifes interests as his CP. If the opposition were resonable then we we were reasonable. If not..... we beat them about the head and shoulders with the CO.
A CO is the best tool that either the NCP or CP have to manage the Custody/Visitation/Support elements of their lives.
If, as appears to be the case in this OPs post, the CP fails to deliver the kid for visitation as stipulated in a CO, then the NCP has to use the CO to force compliance with their visitation schedule. A minor child gets no say. It is the CPs responsibility to surrender the child for visitation as stipulated and it is the NCPs responsibility to return that child to the CP as stipulated in the CO.
Judges make rulings. If that ruling is not in copliance with a CO that is in force that is what appeals are for. That is also what news papers are for. Which is what we used to get the attention of the original Judge in our blended family legal battle.
Keep it simple, drive for compliance to the CO, and when the opposition fails to comply... bring the pain.
Ask your H if he would be ok
Ask your H if he would be ok with you, your X, and child with X going to a birthday dinner together? How would he feel if the tables were turned? In my opinion if your H opens up the door to allow this, it will open up Pandora's box for other f@ckery to enter.
I wouldn't start a trend and now is the time to set boundaries with SD and your H.
Not her old family
Among other things, Skid is being allowed to check out of your family, to behave as if she/BM/your husband are the only family unit she recognizes. It’s disrespectful to you and her siblings, and it’s up to your husband to stop it.
CG are you clicking like on
CG are you clicking like on your own posts hahaha!
If it were my DH, I would let
If it were my DH, I would let him go. How awkward would that be, to be manipulated to go out with his ex wife? As far as I’m concerned it would be fitting punishment for his stupid actions.
Of course my DH hates BM, I have no worries he would cheat on me, especially with her. If he should do so, I’d say good riddance, I have put up with this stephell for so long. I’d be sad, but it would be almost a relief not to have to walk on eggshells, in my own home, around a hostile teen and her accomodating father.
This is just a small part if what's going on.
One of his older son's had to have surgery 2 hours away from home my husband wanted to go also to be with him along w his son's wife and his ex wife. He said he couldn't go he had to get kids from school. I was off work and since all 3 of the younger kids go to the same school I said I would get them all my daughter had a basketball game to cheer at and he always picks his daughter up so she can attend w her friends. He asked the step daughter if she could ride w me or if he needs to stay home to take her to the same game. She made the choice for him to stay. So two vehicles are driven to this game 30 mins from home. He always picks her up from school she lives 2 blocks from school. On the days im off work we drive 2 cars to pick kids up. He pays child support and for e everything else her little heart desires. If she wants to eat at a specific restrant she calls he jumps and goes picks her up and takes her then runs her back home. Our 6 y/o son told me she s his favorite she always gets her way and asks me why. We did have a big family part for his daughter at our home where my family, husband's family and the ex wife attended. My husband has always said he believes in equal treatment of the kids and no labeling as step. Wants to adopt my daughyer and saus it hurts his feelings she doeant call him dad.Our girls get along great my daughter sleeps over at her house often. They go to church together etc... I had a several hour discussion w my dh today about these issues and will see where things go from here. Thanks everyone for your input it helps greatly.
Nope.. your husband doesn't
Nope.. your husband doesn't go on a special date with his ex wive and daughter excluding you.. in fact.. he doesn't do this thing with his EX even if you are included.. they are no longer a family.. he already took princess out for her special date.. that is it.. period
Are yu threatened at all by
Are yu threatened at all by DH and BM being around each other?
I see 2 choices, read books and work hard to teach DH how that is disrespectful to your marriage, that it gives false hope to the SD, and you aren’t ok with it. That’s a huge battle to win but with good talking points maybe possible?
or 2, trust in your relationship and check out of what he does with SD. If any of the other kids complain to you then let them vent, agree, and say I know it’s is not something I would do.. but I’m not her parent so it’s up to them to figure out how to get her through life. We are different people DH and I, and with blended families sometimes the differences show. But at least we have... them go on a positivity speech.