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bd and sd do not get along

goinginsane's picture

Ahh, so, I am living with my bf of 2 years. I have a four y/o daughter from a previous relationship and he has a 4 y/o and a 2y/o from 2 previous relationships. The 2 y/o is lovely....the 4 y/o is an absolute horror. She is just so mean. I feel so bad for my little girl because she has to put up with this little girl on the weekends. Its ridiculous. She is just cruel. She will say and do things just to make my daugher mad and start a fight. She will tell my daughter she hates her and when my daughter apologizes(even though she did nothing wrong) she will say"sorry doesn't do anything". She yells and screams,hits, one time even peed into a cup and poured it on my daughter, she be-littles my daughter. The girl is only 4! How does she know how to kill someone's self esteem like this already!?!?!? She always has to be the "biggest, best, first, blah blahblah and calls my daughter the loser, stupid, etc. She is disrespectful to myself and her dad. I have voiced my concerns with my bf. That didn't go so well. He of course defended his daughter. Which I knew would happen. I honestly just want a happy household. Every weekend with this little girl is just miserable. All there is is yelling and crying. My daughter is unhappy the majority of the time and I am about ready to pull my hair out. I would LOVE some suggestions on what to do. Maybe forms of discipline I can use? I have never had problems with my daughter so I am just at a loss on what to do with this kid.

Jsmom's picture

How old is your daughter? She is your priority. Not the SD. I would not encourage them to be together.

iwishyouwould's picture

I would say, take your daughter out for as long as possible, sun up to sun down the entire time that child is at your house. Expose your child to that girl as little as humanly possible and do not let them be alone together - if she was a playdate, i assume you would never let them play together again so keep that mentality. And remember that if she is like that at four - just imagine what she will be like at 13. Good luck.

startingover2010's picture

why should she have to run away froom this heartless brat? i did that idk how many times during my 5yr hell-period with my ex. always took my bd in the car and drove for hours when things at home got too bad with exsd. its not fair!

honestly, u may want to leave for good hun. this 'thing', your sd, is not going to get better. and your bd will suffer from it, not your sd. protect your bio daughter!!!!!

iwishyouwould's picture

She didnt say she wanted to leave her relationship, so i didnt feel it was appropriate to suggest it. I was simply giving my personal, and possibly incorrect and misguided opinion.

Wicked.Witchy.Woman's picture

The behavior chart is a GREAT idea. If she want's to be #1, then she can be #1 in behavior. I would present the chart to the kids as a group, even include the 2 year old so it doesn't seem like SD and BD are going head-to-head. This might help her to understand that in your household people are being judged by their good behavior, not who's bossier, etc. I would also have your BF present it to them. SD is more likely to want to follow it coming from him.

The next hurdle would be keeping track of the behavior. If BD tells you she did something to get a star on the chart and SD claims she didn't do it, you're going to have a mess on your hands. Does anyone have a solution to that?

Synaesthete's picture

I have no good solution to that, but I just wanted to second that I think the chart is a great idea and I also really like the idea of introducing it to the group overall. Smile

midwestmama's picture

So these 2 girls have been exposed to each other since they've been 2yo? And you got with your bf directly after he had a newborn with a third woman? Hmm...just from my experience, this is gonna take effort for it to work.

With that being said, I think the kids are at ages that this Could become very manageable, depending on how well the adults all co-exist. One thing for sure is that your bf "taking sides" only means he is "against you" and that will never work. It cant be you and your kid against him and his kid - or you may as well just end it now.

If your bf wants to work together with you, the two of you can decide the best way to manage these kids and their different personalities. When my kids were 4yo, they were old enough to understand rules and boundaries for sure. You can both sit these girls down and talk about "nice" behavior and "not nice" behavior, as well as rewards and punishments that the 2 of you agree on. You can use charts or something. You know these kids, so figure out their currency. You need to know what matters to them in order to be able to reward/punish them. The last thing you need is "I dont care!" when you try and punish them.

The key will be CONSTANT will feel like a job, but will be worth it in the end. They can possibly even reward each other - if the only way to get a good mark is for the other to point out nice behavior, it might incent them to be nice? Only you know what will work. But generally speaking, using all negative enforcement wears out. Taking things away eventually leaves a kid with nothing, and they figure "why bother to be good?"

Hope this helps a little!