You are here

I feel like I have to 'check' my love for my daughter

Duffman40's picture

Submitted by Duffman40 on Fri, 03/15/2019 - 11:00am

Forums: 
Blended Family Issues

I'm in a long-term relationship with a woman who has a daughter. We are engaged, so she will be my step-daughter (if she isn't already). She is about 6. We also have a daughter together, who is almost 2.

I have never felt love like I do for my daughter. She is my whole world. She fills my heart with so much joy.

My fiancee tells me she understands that the bond is different, but I feel this immense pressue to extend tihs same love to her daughter. I care for her daughter. I watch out for her. I play with her. I am willing to be her step-dad and treat her as her rightful place in the family.

I just can't extend this special bond I have with my own daughter. Every time I bring her up as "my daughter", or mention wanting to get her a toy, my fiancee gets upset. She swears she understands and gets mad when I have to clarify that I can't help the difference in relationships between me & my daughter and me & my stepdaughter . . But she always seems to take offense when this difference naturally is shown.

In turn, every time I want to play with my daughter, or show her love, or act on this special bond whatsoever, I am looking over my shoulder. This is so unfair to me, my daughter, and our relationship. Yet to ever even approach the subject makes me look like the worst person ever in her eyes.

I don't know what to do, but I need her to understand that I can't live like I have to keep my love for my daughter in 'check'.

Duffman40's picture

Submitted by Duffman40 on Fri, 03/15/2019 - 11:09am

He's in the picture. He gets her every other weekend and a day here or there during the week. There is no huge drama there really (though not without moments)

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Fri, 03/15/2019 - 5:07pm

So her father is involved in her life.

It's unrealistic for your fiance to expect you to a) love SD like you love your daughter, and b) minimize the affection you feel and want to show for your biological daughter.

I agree... counseling.

STaround's picture

Submitted by STaround on Fri, 03/15/2019 - 11:13am

If your fiance cannot accept that, I would recommend family counseling (allthought difficult to find a good counselor experienced with step families). 

Next time, ask her what does her ex do for your kid?  Both kids have two involved parents, and that is great.  

 

 

sunshinex's picture

Submitted by sunshinex on Fri, 03/15/2019 - 11:50am

I'm with you, here. 

My stepdaughter is 7 and lives with us full-time. My son is 16-months and the love I have for him is incredible. It's almost heart-wrenching. It doesn't help that I'm an avid writer so I tend to post very sentimental thoughts when I post photos of him on social media. I try to treat SD equally in terms of time, money, effort, etc. but when it comes to affection, it simply doesn't come naturally. Like, at all. 

My husband understands, as you mentioned, but I can tell he gets hurt by it, especially when SD whines that she wants to sleep with me too (toddler co-sleeps) or things like that. I'm not very comfortable with physical proximity with anyone other than my husband and my toddler, so while I try to give her hugs, cuddles, etc. like I do my son, it's not the same. And why should it be? I gave birth to, breastfed, etc. my son so it's going to be different. 

I find the best way to make up for it and keep my DH from getting bothered is planning special time with SD - sitting down and putting together a puzzle, making bracelets, taking her grocery shopping with me, little things that I can't do with my son because he's too little. She really likes it and my husband appreciates that at least in some way, I'm having my own bond with his daughter. 

It's hard and I feel for you. The most frustrating part is, the early toddler years are absolute magic. Watching them discover new things and start appearing more "kid" like. He's figuring out the simple parts of life. Going down a slide on his stomach, trying to put a shoe on, little things that, as a first-time mom, are incredible to see.

So I take him to new places like the park, indoor playground, etc. to watch it even more. And of course, I have to bring SD too, and she tries to monopolize all the time and attention when all I want is to watch my first baby discover the world. It sucks. I really do feel for you. 

skatermom's picture

Submitted by skatermom on Fri, 03/15/2019 - 12:02pm

Your wife is the mother to both kids, so she feels the same for both of them.  You have no relation to her older kid, so have no feelings for her, it's normal.  

I had a stepfather growing up and my mother would get so upset because he never spent any time with us kids or showed any affection what so ever. Now that I am a stepmother, I totally get it!  Having a stepkid in the house is like living with an alien in the house part time.  It's totally unnatural

elkclan's picture

Submitted by elkclan on Fri, 03/15/2019 - 3:06pm

but do you ever wonder if you had a different experience as a kid you might be having a different experience now? 

elkclan's picture

Submitted by elkclan on Fri, 03/15/2019 - 3:16pm

This must be tough. I'm super lucky that I am with a guy who has kids and I have a kid and they're all about the same age and get on. I will never love his kids the way I love my son. He will never love my son the way he loves his kids. There will be no 'ours' baby. The problem I guess in your case is your SO loves those two kids in EXACTLY the same way. At one point though my son asked me if I loved my steps as much as I loved him. I assured him that I did not, but that we were making a success as a family that he even had to ask that question. 

But pressuring someone to love is the sure way to turn it sour, instead of acknowledging that it's different. But your partner probably feels awful that she doesn't get to spend all her time with older daughter and certainly doesn't want her time with mom to be marked by feeling as an outsider. 

Take the opportunity to have special time with your daughter (who is not just 'my daughter' but 'our daughter' - when you use the 'my' you kinda exlude the mom) while you partner spends special time with her daughter. 

As others have suggested - family therapy. And whatever you do - don't turn a problem with your partner into resentment for the kid who didn't ask for any of this. 

 

Headmayexplode's picture

Submitted by Headmayexplode on Mon, 03/18/2019 - 6:04pm

best advice I have ever heard for this situation is treat them the same love them differently.  So treats and discipline and tolerance the same for all kids in the house, biology means you love them differently.