Would you be concerned?
Dh and I are living apart but dating. We have 50/50 of our 4th month old and he has 50/50 on opposite weeks of his other kids. We live apart because his oldest scares me, for more background I left my past posts up. Kitten killer is flunking out of school and needs a tutor. Dh hired a teacher from the middle school to help him after school at their home. She comes over and helps him 3 days a week from 6 to 7. Dh is always home when she is there and on bm's weeks dh still does the tutoring at his home since bm isn't always home. Bm in turn does activity driving for the other kids almost all the time. I say that they have a pretty good arraignment worked out. The problem is that this girl is just out of school, she is hot and she is single. Dh is a hot attractive man. I am so insecure and worried now. Sd will post pics of the tutor and kk on facebook and dh is always hoovering. Sometimes they are sitting at the table laughing and once she had dinner there. Dh said kk invited her because he had been sick and missed 2 sessions and had a test coming up. She had volunteered to make up the sessions and stay late. Dh will drop kk off after tutoring and then come get dd from me on his weeks. He really seems to still be into me but this girl really looks like she is into him. Do you think I should be worried? I love dh more than anything besides myself and my kids. I don't want to loose him but I am so jealous and concerned right now.
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I don't expect him to choose
I don't expect him to choose me over kk. Is it to much to ask for an ugly tutor? I don't feel right asking him to switch tutors. I guess I just keep being jealous.
I know.
I know.
Yes, it would be too much.
Yes, it would be too much. You busted up your marriage and made it clear you can't stand the kid. Pretty sure that means you don't get a say in who tutors the kid!
but taking them to the pound
but taking them to the pound to be murdered is fine? handing over a baby to a dh that you think turns a blind eye to tossing a baby is fine? Circle of life, not all animals are vegetarians and if kittens being killed either way at least ss had decency to use their life for food not garbage.
That's pretty harsh
That's pretty harsh considering the tutor doesn't live in the home and have to deal with SS as a parent. It's not the same at all. I'm not sure why you posted knowing you weren't going to offer anything helpful.
OP, I obviously don't know your DH but I don't think inviting an attractive, single woman for dinner is appropriate when you're married, I don't care who she is, tutor, nanny, next door neighbor, whoever. How would he feel if you invited the hot, single plumber to stay for dinner? There's just no reason for it, and for me, it's just not something a married person should be doing. It's blurring lines between a professional relationship and a friendship, which for me, would be a boundary I'd expect my DH to respect, whether I was living in the home or not.
We are legally separated but
We are legally separated but we are working on our marriage. We are still together. It isn't okay for him to date! Dh said that kk had already asked her to stay and dh felt very weird uninviting her. He called and told me what was happening and invited me to join them. I said no. Maybe I should have gone.
He invited her knowing she
He invited her knowing she would say no. She hates KK. She wasn't about to load up baby and head over to play happy family with baby and KK . It was a safe invitation to make. With SD snapping pictures and putting them on FB OP was going to know tutor had dinner with the household whether he told her or not.
So, if your daughter was
So, if your daughter was dating a man who was also dating the mother of his 4 month old child, you'd tell her, "That's perfectly acceptable because he's legally separated?"
Or would you suggest to her that it would behoove her to consider whether the kind of guy who dates multiple women at once is right for her, to consider what kind of relationship he would be available for given his current dating/parenthood situation, and to consider whether this guy is the kind of guy she wants on her dating 'resume'?
The husband may not know he's
The husband may not know he's dating the OP and working on his marriage. :? He may see it as being separated but still able to have sex with his wife unheard gets around the the divorce. That may be the story that he is telling the tutor.
Plenty of posters here have said they started dating their husbands while they were separated. Of course most BMs will say they were separated(or not) but were trying to work things out until the other woman showed up.
If he wanted to work on the
If he wanted to work on the marriage he would be living with OP during the time his kids are away, she begged him to and he declined. I think he has concern and care for her as the mother of his baby and wants her to be ok but is just picking the right time for her to be strong enough to tell her its over. A legal separation to me is very much akin to a divorce.
How many women out there have
How many women out there have been blindsided by men who tell what they want to hear (I love you, I will do anything to hold on to you, I will never leave you....) all the while they are plotting and planning their exit.
Just because her husband is saying what she wants to hear, doesn't mean he is being honest with her. A man who is fighting for his marriage to allow the hot little tenderoni to hang out and have dinner (or anything else in his home).
As a matter of fact, the little tenderoni could meet (or drive) the kid at the local library, coffee shop, diner....for their tutoring sessions.
Let's be real here. None of us are a bunch of silly, love struck 18-22 year olds. We know how the world works. We know the games that men play. If we haven't been dogged by a man, we all have family and friends who have.
Simply posting what the OP wants to hear, when you know darn well the odds are against her is just mean.
You are spot on. I am not
You are spot on. I am not trying to be mean to OP but honest, she needs to shape up and fast and lose this obsession over the kid (who did no worse imo and better to the kittens than she did) if she wants to keep this husband. She needs to dump the friend who is encouraging her to continue in the same vein of thinking (that being ss is a creepy pos but really dh is still really into you even though he moved out). Um no, now is the time for action if she wants to salvage this.
Going to say a chick who
Going to say a chick who accepts probably has a couple screws loose herself... no way would I voluntarily walk into a hot mess like this.
True, but most of the time I
True, but most of the time I am wary of a person who toes the boundary with someone already attached. Never been wrong yet on that one. 22 wasn't far away for me (I'm 27) and even in this situation I would know enough to tell SS that I can't stay and make some excuse as to why.
More for my safety too because what if he has a crazy ex/crazy wife who comes around and tries to run me over with a car? I wouldn't leave room for interpretation.
If he invited his wife... I
If he invited his wife... I would say he probably doesn't mind the new chick knowing his marital status.
Yeah, you kidding? If SS said
Yeah, you kidding? If SS said that too me, all the more reason why I wouldn't accept. Entire situation smells of insanity to me. That, and professionalism.
However, I really don't think it's fair for you to jump to the conclusion that most here would. Not sure what you're basing it off of since many people are also expressing concern.
I don't know...from her
I don't know...from her perspective it could look like this. Hot, attractive man living on his own. Dedicated enough Dad that he has kids all the time (his 50%) and no qualms about being able to manage a young infant the other 50%. Caring enough to hire teacher as a tutor for struggling son. Is still legally married but don't live together because she demanded he exhile his kids and he wasn't having it. Could see very much where this would make OP dh look not only yummy due to being hot and living single, but due to his paternal nature and ability to do right by his kids, like super nice guy.
She doesn't have to fecking
She doesn't have to fecking LIVE with his demented son.
I only call him that here. It
I only call him that here. It wasn't a misunderstanding and the jerk tossed my newborn. KK and I aren't going to have a relationship. There is something seriously wrong with that kid. Dh and I decided to date until his kids are grown.
Dh comes and gets dd after
Dh comes and gets dd after tutoring and dropping kk off.
Wait but you said your DH was
Wait but you said your DH was there when this toss happened right? What kind of bm willingly gives over 50% custody to a bd that is fine and dandy with his infant being tossed? How much can you trust him with babies safety in other ways if he is truly a bd who agrees with tossing of infants? Or did the tossing thing not really happen the way you said? Did the kid set down the kid on the cushion next to him and walk away?
I see a counselor for my ppd
I see a counselor for my ppd and dh and I see a marriage counselor. I am working on my issues with kk. The kid scares me and creeps me out. He is the only thing that really upsets me. It's like an instant rage since I found out about the kittens and he tossed dd.
Talk this over with DH and
Talk this over with DH and the marriage counselor.
Why is SD taking pics of her
Why is SD taking pics of her brother and his tutor then splashing them on FB?
Because she knows I will see
Because she knows I will see it I think.
I think you should be
I think you should be concerned. She's hot, into him, and doesn't despise his kid.
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and your children more. I don't understand why that is wrong?
Do you think dh will be
Do you think dh will be annoyed with my jealously? I have ppd and was pretty emotional for a bit. I am getting better and stronger. I am afraid to throw jealousy in there at him.
No? I think if you guys have
No? I think if you guys have a good marriage counselor and he's really supportive he'd be able to see why you'd have a problem with it.
Imagine if you got a honkin' hot male babysitter who accepts a dinner invitation by a toddler (when your kid is a bit older)--bet you dollars to donuts he'd have a problem with it too. You guys are going to counselors to fix issues, so go, bring up these issues, and fix them.
Also, imaSmom gave you great advice, I suggest you take it to heart.
We have counseling tonight. I
We have counseling tonight. I will broach the subject. Thanks. I was worried I'd look crazy.
Don't bring it up in an
Don't bring it up in an accusatory tone. I'd start off with--"I have something I'm not even sure if I should bring up because I'm worried you guys will think I'm crazy..." and then go from there.
I went to enough counseling sessions with my own DH to know what gets a defensive response and a supportive response.
If it isn't this girl it will
If it isn't this girl it will be another. I respect your dh so much the way he did not allow you to boot his kid out the door. Honestly if he was still that in to you he wouldn't be coming to pick up his infant, he would be staying. Of course this is just imo. Just letting you know how it looks on the outside. Maybe he is perfectly fine with it but most wouldn't be.
If I understand it correctly,
If I understand it correctly, you and your husband are legally separated and "just dating" for the next six or seven years until skids are grown? Your DH was the one who quickly decided to move out after the ruckus over the SS and kitten incident, right?
Here's what I think the fundamental issue is. Your DH wants a happy home with his children... ALL his children. He is already more than half-way there as he has his own place, he can have his kids visit freely without drama, and he also gets to have your infant 50 percent of the time. It also seems as though he is managing somewhat of a working relationship with the skids BM.
Now he has an attractive, single woman in his life who gets along with the most troublesome skid (KK). Your DH seems to enjoy spending time with her, beyond a professional relationship. If you are separated and "dating" each other, I would imagine it is not much of a stretch for him to think he can "date" anyone else, too. Especially when there is ripe fruit hanging around right in front of his eyes.
Do you know if the "tutor" has seen/spent time with your own infant? Wouldn't be surprised if she has. If so, I also wouldn't be surprised if your DH is subliminally test-driving the tutor to see what kind of wife/stepmom material she may be. Men frequently find another female place to land before they will completely disconnect from the one they have. After all, he can say to himself, "Look how well "tutor" gets along with my kids! Look at how much we laugh and have a good time! All I get from Ram is trouble and demands."
I'm sorry - but it seems to me that your DH is not invested in your marriage. Have you thought about just going through with a divorce at this stage? I don't think the future bodes well for you in this relationship, I'm afraid to say.
I also don't think it is realistic to live in separate households for the next six years and maintain any kind of healthy relationship. There may be the rare couple that can do it, but I don't see it here. I'm sorry.
Do you have family that you can discuss this with? I know you are seeing therapists/counselors, but sometimes talking with a loved one who "has your back" can be very helpful.
I don't want to get divorced
I don't want to get divorced and loose him. I am suffering with ppd right now and i am having a horrible time with it. I know that alot of my anger and feelings toward ss come from this. I just can't help it. I am on meds and I am getting help. Dh has said he is committed to making us work. I have my bf to talk to. She also thinks kk is creepy. She thinks I have nothing to worry about and that dh still loves me and this woman is just a tutor.
Losing him and getting
Losing him and getting divorced isn't just your decision. Your DH already made his when he chose to move out. Not trying to be harsh, but sweetie, you have to face reality.
I understand that you are going through PPD and trying to get help. But the fact remains that not all spouses are truly as patient and sympathetic as they should be. Of course he is telling you he is committed to making it work, because to do otherwise would make it seem like he is kicking you when you are down.
And I do reiterate that you should be talking to other loved ones, not just your BFF. Especially your own family - your parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc. People who are older and wiser, and who know YOU and your life history! If you respect their opinions, then you should reach out to them - they can be very helpful.
Actually you can help it.
Actually you can help it. Yes ppd is real, yet if your boss irritated you likely you would be able to behave appropriately. If a policeman stopped you would likely be able to hold it together. It is just that your ss isn't important enough for you (nor is his dad apparently) to make the same effort. Calling your ss kk here and bashing him with your bf is not 'working on it'.Working on it is getting some perspective on the situation and how you reacted. Not encouraging yourself in your current disordered thinking and entrenching it more. Are you doing cbt?
Fact? I had a crush or two
Fact? I had a crush or two on young adult men who helped my child with difficulties. Their skill at working with him, the fact they wanted to do that kind of work, the compassion, and understanding, that they are trying to improve things, that they could see the good in him that others overlooked. Of course I had a wonderful supportive husband so it really just was a very innocent appreciative admiration not that I wanted to get with them! Now if I had a spouse who despised my kid, told me I could never be with spouse and kid at the same time, broke up the household...whole different story.
That may only be because the
That may only be because the DH does not want to look like an ogre for leaving his wife and newborn. He may well be on his way towards a mandatory minimum waiting period, and is just counting down the clock. Of course, he may not want to admit this to OP, so he is saying they are "still working" on their marriage.
Yep, sounds like he picks up
Yep, sounds like he picks up the baby, leaves and goes back to his own house. This is one story that stuck with me. OP took some kittens to a shelter (where they kill them), ss took some kittens and used them as food for a beloved pet (they were killed humanely before doing this per the previous posts). She went beserk that his method of killing was so much worse than hers, then went off on the kid for holding his sibling. I'm pretty sure the 'threw the infant' was not 'threw' because if so and dh saw this and was fine with it why would the OP allow 50/50 to a parent that would allow/be ok this??
The dh went to the lengths of getting his own house so he can have contact with ALL of his kids away from OP and her demands he bail on his older kids. He goes to the lengths to get tutoring for his son that needs help, gets along well enough with bm. I don't think this married but separate thing will last for long.
I do wish the OP well but she needs to make some serious and dramatic changes if she wants to salvage this marriage.
True. This fantasy that when
True. This fantasy that when the kids are grown they will live together doesn't hold water. This does not sound like the kind of Dad that is going to exhile his young adult kids, their families (grandkids) as time goes on from his home and he certainly is not going to abandon them on holidays for OP. There is really no good end game here for OP at this point, unless she can make some drastic changes.
She took kittens to the pound
She took kittens to the pound (where they likely got gassed and threw into an incinerator). SS took kittens home, they got gassed and instead of being thrown into an incinerator were used as food for a beloved pet. Yet, ss is a monster? Very hypocritical. In the case of ss at least they were used for food, which is more honorable than the first scenario.
That is why she is getting flack. Her reasoning is faulty and per her, her dh has tried in counseling to get her to see this but she refuses.
While nobody loves the idea
While nobody loves the idea of dead kitties and puppies, me included, I find her ss behavior of gassing them and then using them for food better than them being gassed and incinerated at the pound. Yet, she can't get rid of the idea that ss is a monster and surrounds herself with voices that cheers her on in that regard.
Also the story that she handed over the baby 50% of the time to someone she claims didn't give a rip that the baby got tossed leaves me to wonder if she is retelling that sitch accurately. If this really happened and dh did nothing why would she happily hand over her baby to that kind of person?
however op admitted in
however op admitted in previous posts she took the kittens to a place where they get killed, she is superior because after that murder they were destroyed rather that going on to contribute to the life of another animal, makes no sense but i don't think either of you will get the hypocrisy of it, oh well, life goes on
Kid didn't kill the kittens.
Kid didn't kill the kittens. SF gassed them. The rest went to kill shelter as OP could not find homes.
you are right... so if the ss
you are right... so if the ss still earns the title of kk i guess the OP should be labled with the same title, she also delivered them onto their death
took perverse pleasure
took perverse pleasure killing animals? Not even the OP postings said that, in fact they said the boys sf killed the kittens, they were not fed live to the snakes. The hypocritical part is cheering on this OP on what a pos the 15 year old child is while overlooking she took part in the exact same end for the kittens she took in. Only difference is the kid's resulted in nutrition for a carnivorous animal and the OP was likely just slopped into the incinerator. Ok, I will let you have the last response because i don't want to highjack the thread about animal rights (gosh think of all the animal habitats destroyed when land is cleared to make room to grow all those fruit and veggies, ok i'm done except to say i have 2 rescues myself-1 from a no kill and 1 I saved from his D day at the local pound, both spayed, i do understand though that there are carnivorous animals in the world and if an animal is killed i would rather see it go as nutrition for another animal then just dumped somewhere)
You remind me on my DH's ex,
You remind me on my DH's ex, SS's BM. She played this game where she "left" (cheated and got kicked out) to show DH what he would be missing without her. She gave him 50/50 as you gave your Ex and he realized he could do it without her, as your DH is finding out. I think you will learn as BM learned the hard way not to make a bluff with consequences you aren't ready to accept.
very good points, hope she
very good points, hope she will heed your warning if she truly wants to hold on to this marriage
I'm sorry if this is too
I'm sorry if this is too personal (and feel free to tell me to go to hell if it is) but are y'all sleeping together? The reason I ask is because if you are still consummating your relationship then that stops the clock on those mandatory waiting periods before divorce. If in the back of his mind that might be something he is thinking of pulling, then he is SOL. Also, you know how a lot of men are. If they aren't getting it then they start looking at places where they can get it. Not all men are like that of course. I sincerely hope your relationship makes it. PPD is AWFUL and it can make you do and say things that you would never normally do. Hell, I thought about just hopping in my car and driving to Mexico and just texting my (then) husband that he needed to come home and get his infant.
Having a marriage takes
Having a marriage takes commitment and grit. Sorry about all this.
If he wants to cheat he will.
If he wants to cheat he will. No worrying or anything else you do can change that. I am not saying he is or he will, but that when someone wants to they can easily.
Personally I have frank open conversations. Ask if he is seeing anyone, if he is interested in anyone. How he sees your relationship right now and what he thinks of the future. Talk about how sex works for you two now that you are in this new phase in your relationship. For him does dating you mean he is also free to have sex with others too. If he does this does not necessarily have to be a negative but may require careful conversations to ensure that you are both physically and emotionally protected. What you two are doing is a new venture for you two. By talking it through and being as open, honest, frank as you can will help you two to work out a way to make it work (or not if that is the way it goes).
Personally I doubt the fresh college grad is interested in a dad with two (or more?) kids by two different mothers that is not even divorced yet. You might be attracted to him but on paper he is not a good catch. Your emotions are ok to acknowledge and talk about but don't let them get you obsessed. Talk it through with him and then either accept what he says or move on, being paranoid all the time is not a fun way to live.
It honestly sounds like you
It honestly sounds like you both ended the relationship on a bad note. He moved out, and not so suddenly. It sounds like it was planned. He just happened to move into his rental the next day.
You proceeded to get a legal separation agreement. You probably should have waited until you were in a better emotional place.
He is moving on. If he wanted to work it out he would love one week with you and one week without. I wonder if these dates are romantic or familial. I would tell you that it is in his best interest to keep you somewhat happy so you aren't volatile to go forward in a divorce.
I will tell you that the tutor thing does not sound innocent. I am married, and my husband would not be inviting a tutor to dinner. It doesn't look innocent because it isn't.
You need to set up boundaries for your own emotional health. Join some meetup groups so you can be around like minded people.
He probably is likeing the fact that he is getting an ego boost. And let's face it, if she comes on to him in any way, then he will see how far it will go. He will probably justify it his head that he is legally separated and divorcing. In the long run, she prob won't want the reality of the situation, but that is besides the fact. Whether it is her or anyone else is irrelevant. Are you okay with him sleeping with other people, is he okay with you sleeping with other people.
I will tell you that when bm threw out my dh, he had all sorts of women feeling bad for him. He also had 50/50, which made him feel not guilty as a father. She thought they were working through their issues. I met him a few years later, after the legal divorce.
Most kittens are adopted out.
Most kittens are adopted out. It's the older cats who are likely to be euthanized. So get off the OP's back about being a hypocrite.
You are your own worst enemy.
You are your own worst enemy. You continue to manufacture crisis in your life because you crave the drama and attention. You say you're in counseling but I have my doubts based on your actions.
The kitten situation? Get the eff over yourself and stop calling your SS names. You're being childish and ridiculous over nothing. And I am saying this as an animal lover.
The baby tossing thing? You have gone back and forth on the events of that day and I no longer believe it's as bad as you say it was.
You have been diagnosed with PPD. Has it crossed your mind you have blown everything out of proportion and keep digging yourself deeper into your little self-righteous hole?
Find a better counselor and a medication that truly works for you. You need help and I truly hope you get it before you completely destroy your marriage. I really pity you.
I absolutely second every
I absolutely second every word of that. I hope for the OP sake she takes it to heart and fast. Or at least learns from it for her next relationship.
If he wants to cheat he is
If he wants to cheat he is going to cheat. People who want to cheat will always find a way whether they are married, living with someone, working it out. Whatever. Happy marriage, not happy marriage. Cheating can happen for 5 minutes in the broom closet at work.
Living apart is not really like being married and I am sure it probably gives him more temptation or opens up more options. Personally for me, if I wanted to still be with my husband, we would be living together and working through our issues (isn't that what marriage is?).