Dh never holds ss accountable
Okay I need to vent. It's our weekend with ss7. Dh reheats pizza for him on one of my glass plates. Ss promptly drops it, breaking the plate in half. I was in the living room when this happened and didn't say a word, but put my head in my hands. Dh first gets upset, then somehow creates an ENTIRE conversation in his HEAD about my reaction and lashes out at me. "These things happen! Your just like an old lady too attached to her china and her dog!" Um...I hadn't said a word, those words hurt. After listening to dh rant I reminded him that ss has several plastic spiderman plates, why wasn't he given one of these if he was going to be eating in the living room and not the dining room?? This led to a new rasnt in front of ss with dh saying "okay ___,from now on you can only eat off plastic". That's not what I was trying to do, I don't understand why it escalated the way it did when I only said one sentence! To make matters worse, no apology was given by ss or dh, they are now playing with legos and acting like nothing happened! I know it was an accident, but I was raised to be held accountable for my actions, is it to much to expect any sort of apology?? This has me worried, we are getting married in July, is this what I have to look forward to, ss never being held accountable for his actions? Should I not expect an apology if ss does anything in the future? Am I making to much of this? Worried!
It's not just that something
It's not just that something got broken - your intended is an idiot.
A small child should never be given something fragile to hold and carry. Broken, shattered glass is quite dangerous. His son could have been hurt too.
He is normally only given a
He is normally only given a small glass plate when we serve him dinner at the dining room table. We usually don't eat in the living room, why dh chose to not only give him a glass plate but in the living room as well, I don't know.
Yes, this is what you have to
Yes, this is what you have to look forward to.
Why would a wedding change anything? He's predicting your behaviour and reacting to what he thinks you'll say. Don't expect anything to change.
I don't yell or make a fuss
I don't yell or make a fuss or give anybody a hard time. This is the first time anything like this has happened, I have never seen dh react that way. I understand it was an accident, I was raised even if it was an accident the typical response would be "I'm sorry, it was an accident". That's all I expected. If roughhousing with your cousins and you accidentally injure one another, wouldn't the response be "I'm sorry, it was an accident?" My worry is DH is now showing child that he (dh) will escalate the situation unnecessarily and take the blame for anything that goes wrong, child will never be held accountable for his actions and expect daddy to cover for him. I don't want this to become a behavioral problem in the future. "Please" "thank you" and "I'm sorry" are usually taught and understood by the time a child enters first grade. I've read far too many posts on here about the bio parent never seeing fault in anything their child does wrong and the non bio partner is left in the dark or without a voice. I just don't want that to become us.
Do you not think you're
Do you not think you're blowing this out of proportion? It's an incident of a broken plate. It's not a history of bad behaviour over looked or rewarded. Try hear what the op's are saying and move on from there.
The entire event is messed
The entire event is messed up.
I think both you and your SO need a parenting book. This one is my all time favorite.
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.
Please get it and have both you and your SO read it.
True But when you deal with
True
But when you deal with someone who is constantly nit picking about your kid, you tend to get a bit defensive.
Simply put, both adults
Simply put, both adults handled it wrong. Neither came from a place of mutual respect, kindness or understanding. Her putting her head in her hands, showing her exasperation with a plate being broken, him saying what he said like a passive aggressive spoiled man and them making an issue in front of a seven year old.
I break plates, cups etc here and there. Oops. Its ok, its allowed. My SD and DS break stuff. Oops. Its allowed. In fact, all my plates and cups are from Ross. Life is gonna happen. I am not going to stress over broken plates. And I am not gonna make any kid feel bad about it.
Both adults really need to see that they both made it something it isn't. The bigger issues has not been dealt with. If kept unchecked, this will be one unhappy household.
And I do agree with not reheating in plastic. I do think it is toxic for your health to do so.
I know I stated in my post
I know I stated in my post that it was an accident. I also agree with not reheating on plastic, DH should have transferred the food to a proper plate for a child and not glass. I agree with not making the child feel bad about it, but accident or not, would you not apologize to a cousin if you accidentally hurt them while roughhousing or broke something they owned? No its not the end of the world, it is just a plate. I don't want this to turn into other posts I've read on here, where the ss is never being held accountable for any actions and dh acts like nothing is wrong. And how am I supposed to react when something is broken in the future? Smile? I believe I handled it very well by putting my head in my hands. I don't blame the child, but I don't think a "I'm sorry, it was an accident" is too much to expect. Most children learn "I'm sorry" "please" and "thank you" at a young age.
Wow isn't she allowed to be
Wow isn't she allowed to be upset about the plate?
I would be. The kid should have been given the plastic plates. My grandkids get plastic and they're not emotionally or mentally scarred by it. They understand they may break a hard plate and get cut...
The fdh knew he'd done the wrong thing when it broke. He was too lazy too get the plastic one and knows it.
He took his guilt out on you. I wouldn't cop that. You hadn't even said anything. Imagine if you had. Woah...
I don't care who did it, if
I don't care who did it, if you break something isn't it normal to say "I'm sorry, it was an accident"? Pretty sure most kids are taught "I'm sorry" "please" and "thank you" at a young age and understand the concept, especially if they are in school. This has nothing to do with the fact that he is my ss. I don't want this to turn into the other posts I've read on here where the child can "do no wrong" and the step parent is left in the dark to just "deal with it". Seeing how dh dealt with this, I see this becoming a problem if anything like this happens in the future. "oops, I dropped your laptop and it broke, no big deal dad will make a fuss at her and I just have to stay quiet".
Have you ever broken
Have you ever broken something and been so scared you wet yourself? And then been spanked so hard you saturated yourself in urine?
It is just a plate. Why people place so much importance on material things and not life lessons and morals is beyond me.
It is JUST a plate. My SS has broken things and quite simply put I don't give a crap. What I do care about is he says "Hi Monchichi" when he get's to my house and doesn't behead other kids.
A broken plate *gah*
I broke plenty of stuff in
I broke plenty of stuff in our house growing up. And no, I didn't have to say sorry each time I broke a plate, glass, picture frame.... Kids (and adults) break stuff. That is a part of growing up.
I didn't have to say thank when my mom or dad cooked dinner. As a matter of fact, I had no idea anyone expected that from a kid until I read about it here.
Yes, I was taught to say please, thank you....
THIS I just don't understand
THIS
I just don't understand why some people expect kids to be more mature/responsible than their dads.
Disneyfan, please read my
Disneyfan, please read my addition to the post on the bottom of the page. I titled this poorly and can't edit it, No child is being expected to be more responsible then any parent. My peeve was that DH reacted like a spoiled man child in the sense that he wants SS to feel nothing but happiness and daisies and butterflies when he is over at all times. All I wanted from the SS was a normal acknowledgement of what happened, a simple "oops sorry". No yelling from dh should have even been necessary, SS should have been given a chance to say a simple "sorry". The situation escalated way out of control by dh, no simple apology was given by anybody, and I was shown it is okay to talk to SM like that if SS accidentally breaks anything in the future its okay, "DAD TO THE RESCUE AND THE KID WILL FEEL OUT OF PLACE THE REST OF THE DAY" (insert sarcastic superman theme song).
The plate breaking doesn't
The plate breaking doesn't bother me - sh!t happens and things get broken. What bothers me is her DH being a total a$$hat and yelling at her. How about "Sorry honey, it was an accident." OP could have requested that next time a glass plate is used for SS, that it be carried to the table as the kid is 7 and kids have butterfingers.
OP, if it is bothering you this much, try to have a CALM discussion with your DH.
"DH, about the glass plate. I realize it was an accident. I never meant that SS can only use plastic plates from now on. He's a kid and accidents happen. In the future, when we use glass plates, how about we carry it to the table?"
I think the issue is more
I think the issue is more about the fdh going off at her in front of the SS then the stupid plate.
Yes it was an accident, which the person normally says sorry for, but the father defended his son by going on a rant. This took away the sons chance to apologiise. You can't pre empt what someone's going to say and then yell at them before they've even spoken.
This is a red flag you can take note of or ignore. I wish I hadn't ignored mine. They currently all lodged in my back.
Jzell, her DH/ SO/ spouse
Jzell, her DH/ SO/ spouse should never dress her down in front of a child. That is nothing to do with the SS. Her topic/ heading/ blog starter is this:
Dh never holds ss accountable <--- how can a 7 year old be accountable in the scenario described? That is what I think most of us are struggling with.
Lady, PPP will apologise for
Lady, PPP will apologise for an accident. However neither me or my DH would be yelling at each other. Nor wold we be putting our heads in our hands. The whole scenario as explained speaks volumes and none of it is the real issue.
IMHO no ones spouse should treat the other as described.
Where in my post does it say
Where in my post does it say I was yelling? I made one statement the entire time about using a different plate if he isn't eating at the table.
I agree I titled this wrong.
I agree I titled this wrong. Please read my addition to this post on the bottom of the page since I can't edit or add anything to my post.
wow - This is an interesting
wow - This is an interesting post!
Seems like DHs, skids and good dining items are a hot point!
LOL.
Yes, I fully admit they are for me too.
I don't trust SD11 OR DP with good glassware/dishes. Period. Neither one treats kitchen items with any respect whatsoever. I just had to throw away TWO new pieces of tupperware/storage containers...one of them expensive that should have never been used as a lunch item that ended up with a week + of rotting food in it that DP refused to take care of and refused to have SD11 take care of. I will be ordering new pieces on HIS credit card this fall. And that's just plastic storage containers.
One of my new crystal wine glasses (!!) broke when DP was putting it in the dishwasher right after I told him no crystal in dishwasher and be careful with it...crack...(me, head in hands...).
All my good china and antique stuff (but for my sugar bowl which only I use) is in boxes in storage. For our new house I went to the thrift store for the glassware - and a good thing because many pieces are now broken. See, DP doesn't enforce the plastic cup thing with SDs, esp. when they are outside. So I squarely blame him. I just had to take two glasses away from SD9 and her friend who were playing outside. they had left glass cups precariously balanced on a railing, above a cement pad. Told them to go get plastic cups if they wanted water (I have plenty), nope, the decided no water. I grew up using plastic outside and STILL DO when working in the yard.
DP bought most all the bowls/plates so those are on him; I just supplemented with more thrift store items b/c I will not buy them new. Utensils are not an issue which saves my sanity; although I have had to teach DP how to take care of good knives.
Basically it's about teaching the skids and *most importantly* DP about how to treat things, especially breakables, that maybe other people may value more highly than you do. Duh.
The kitchen and cleanliness and orderly cupboards is my hot point.
If I could edit this post I
If I could edit this post I would, I didn't realize how detailed and specific I needed to be. I would also change the title.
1. ss did not walk anywhere with the plate. DH set the plate on a surface in the living room and went back into the dining room to use his plugged in laptop on the table. SS somehow drops plate from surface, yes I was aware it was an accident. I do not say a word, make a face, sigh, NOTHING, I just put my head in my hands because my dish is broken and now I have pizza sauce on my carpet and we are moving on Friday. Goody. DH comes into the living room upon hearing glass break, sees what happened, looks at me, looks at kid, sighs, looks at me, looks at kid...and loses it in less then five minutes. Nobody has uttered a peep.
2. DH made comment throughout his rant that I was "acting like an old lady, too attached to her china and her dog!" SS hasn't said a word, neither have I, I believe we are both in shock. I calmly replied "he has plastic spider man plates, why wasn't he given one of these if he was going to be eating in the living room? No more glass unless we are at the table". Maybe the role of SM is simply to not have an opinion or be respected, but help pay for everything and pretend you are a happy family and btw skid can do no wrong and you are not allowed to show any feeling but happiness when he is over. I listened to him go on and on and twist it around to make it my fault for reacting before any reaction is allowed by either ss or myself. I felt had to say something.
3.he drug the ss into it by saying "okay ____, from now on you can only eat off plastic" like I am some sort of rule making plate Nazi. Now I am somehow the bad guy and skid gets the "thrill" of listening to his dad talk to me like that and be shown no respect.
4. we have TONS of plastic everything. We go camping, I have spider man cups/plates/bowls right above my glassware, for some reason none of these were used. It has nothing to do with me not being prepared for having a child around.
5. I am NOT mad at the child. Things break. I am mad that I was spoken to that way in front of ss, my feelings and my things weren't taken into consideration. Children often behave based on the environment they are subject to. DH just showed ss that when things happen I either have to pretend they didn't or I am allowed to be yelled at if I react, and that apologies for anything aren't required at dads house. It became "dads house" since now it seems I am not allowed a voice.
6. DH is overcompensating for guilt over leaving the household even though its been over 5 yrs. I know guilt when your a parent never leaves, but it can be dealt with in a better fashion then "my child will never feel any emotion at dads but happy". Since this is the first time this has happened and because realistically you can't expect nothing to be damaged when you have children, it is apparent that we will DEFINITELY need some counseling concerning his attitude in general when his son is over, and so I can gain a better understanding of what I am allowed/expected to say/do concerning my role as a SM. I have a feeling this will lead to another argument about ME no matter how gently I try to approach it. I am not a moron. I am not heartless. But dammit I will be respected in my home I contribute half to. It has to become OUR home in order for this to work.
other then SS not being
other then SS not being allowed/expected to apologize, even a "oops, sorry", not really. Again, dh just showed ss that there are no consequences (don't like that word but I can't think of another) if anything is broken. No, NOT saying ANY type of punishment by any means should even be considered (it was an accident) but I do really think that no yelling by dh was necessary and that SOME type of acknowledgement of what happened needed to be given in the form of an apology instead of dh acting like a "man child".