regrets? Torn feelings? what is wrong with me
When DH and I were dating and were engaged(after 6 yrs together) I asked if he wanted another child. If he said no, it might have been a deal-breaker for me. He said he did but we had no plans on acting. Fast forward, we were engaged for 3 years and married last year. Bought a home. It was a two bedroom. We had plans to add a third bedroom and a bathroom in the partially finished basement, but since we closed on our home we (okay I'll be honest, DH not "we") have been having nothing but money problems. Since we bought the home, family and friends have been asking when we are having kids. At first DH was all "we have a kid" (ss10) I told him it's not the same.
SIL came over with two of her friends about a week ago to visit. Somehow I ended up being pulled aside and she told me DH wants us to have a child. I laughed, but she seemed serious. We started talking about the pros and cons of having kids (DH was asleep in living room watching a movie with ss) and I admitted I didn't think there was any way it would work because DH has to work overtime ALL the time and I would feel like I would be raising a child by myself. Plus I know he would have extreme guilt if he spend ANY time with "our child" and not ss. DH still feels extreme guilt for 'abandoning' his son due to things not working out with BM. And to be honest, I'm counting down the years until SS turns 18 and hopefully things calm down as far as visitation and CS.
I always thought I would have kids. I would get married with a man I was crazy for (check) we would buy our first house together (kind of check, it was my first house, not his so it wasn't this "fun happy-together experience" I was expecting) and then have our first child...
When I was a teen I basically ended up raising my brother at 10 y/o, then factor in marrying a man with a child, I kind of feel like I'm "done" dealing with kids...but then I have a friend who is getting married next year and they just bought a house and are already "trying"...then add on the odd convo with SIL, I just wonder if I will regret it. Kind of feels like I'm watching everyone have my dream and I can't; We can't financially afford a child, and I'm already almost 33.
Ideally...I would have to get off birth control and hopefully have a child by 34 but then I'm doing the "kid thing" all over again only this time it's with a newborn that we have 24/7 not a 15+ days a month with a few overnights kid. When you are with a man that has kids you find yourself making a LOT of sacrifices that you wouldn't think you would be comfortable making. Adding another kid is just sacrificing even more, I feel like I would "lose myself" and my marriage would just get worse. I already feel like dh has NO time for me especially when ss is over and with all of his overtime...adding another child? I don't think I would exist. But what if ss stops visiting as much, but by this time I am now in my 40's and I end up regretting NOT having a child? It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.. and NO a child isn't like a "cute accessory" or a puppy, I get that. But I just feel like I've sacrificed so much for this man, am I willing to give up wanting to have a "family" of our own? What if we have a baby but DH works all the time and SS turns into a jealous brat and I end up hating the baby...dramatic I know but my head is spinning.