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BM schedules another dr appt and guilt trips DH

iamlosingit's picture

I have posted on here numerous times about BM scheduling things without talking to DH, then guilt tripping him if he can't make it. Last time it was a dr appointment on a Wed at 10a.m. (not 100% sure on the time but too tired to check my other post). He ended up not being able to go due to work related issues. Then it was conferences scheduled in the morning again without discussion. Now she has scheduled a second Dr. appointment for tomorrow (a non skid weekend for us) at 345 and once again contacted DH with the "it's at ____, are you coming?". No, this is not an emergency check up it's just another routine one. At 10 y/o I also don't understand the need for all of these constant appointments either. We had family plans to get ready for the upcoming holiday and she just sprung this on him last week. DH is worried that if they go back to court BM can use this against him because he is not usually able to go to any of her scheduled dr appointments for ss because she just schedules them without talking to him and guilt trips him if he can't accommodate. Here's my issue; if its not a detrimental appointment why does he even NEED to go? I've never heard of two separated parents having to attend all dr appointments together. Heck when my parent's were still together my mom did all the appointments. If BM didn't want to or wasn't able to bring ss to any appointment she could call DH and he could schedule it on HIS time and bring him alone. I just don't see why they both have to go. They both have insurance cards from DH plan. This seems like a deliberate act on BM part to intrude on "our" time, and given all the drama we have had going on this week I really don't appreciate it. It's right in the middle of the afternoon making it extremely hard for us to get anything done beforehand unless we get up at 6a.m.
Have any of you gone through this? What did you do?

iamlosingit's picture

I can't figure out how to edit but I want to add that it doesn't say anything in the CO about appointments other than DH has to have SS on his insurance and pay for most of the costs.

twoviewpoints's picture

A court can hardly come down on Dad for not being able to attend appointments and P/T conferences he has no inclusion in making. In fact, I'd see it the other way around 'Ms. BM, why aren't you consulting with the father as to when non-emergency events are convenient for both of you and the father to attend?'.

At age ten, I can't imagine Dad needs to go in for a routine check-up. Would the little girl even want her father present in the room while dr is examining her? And if it's a case of conferring with the dr , Dad could confer via phone at the office's convenience. My daughter's dr's office nurse has called and conferred via phone several times when Dad ran her in for appointment but sat out in waiting room (my daughter is older than ten) when I could not make it in.

thinkthrice's picture

SIX skids??!!! :jawdrop: I thought Chef was bad off with THREE! You must have had to take out a 2nd mortgage on a mansion to pay the CS!!!!

marblefawn's picture

My parents stayed married and I can't ever remember BOTH of them coming to my medical appointments. I recall both parents coming to teachers' conferences after my dad's workday was over. If it's not done in an intact family, why do it in a split family?

blueskies4me's picture

Smells like PAS attempts? Your DH should be documenting all this biohag conflict. If she schedules on his time on purpose that is PAS.

thinkthrice's picture

BINGO! It's called a set up for failure. The Girhippo did this as well and brought her clan in on it.

To the point of having Battleaxe Gallactica (BM's enmeshed BM) do an about face when she saw us at the skid's school play. She was escorting YSS, at the time 6 years old to the bathroom and didn't want YSS to see us there as it wouldn't fit the Girhippo's narrative of us not bothering to show up.

iamlosingit's picture

He tried having a talk with her on Saturday that seemed to go well, but it still involves both of them going to the appointments together. He said "I have no issues with you telling me about our child's appointments, but if you want me to be there you need to call me beforehand so we can find a date that works for both of us and not just you. If there is an appointment you are not able to bring him to, let me know and I will schedule it and bring him"...Um...I appreciate him talking to her, but now it's giving her permission to jointly schedule these appointments and DH going to each one. She just scheduled an eye doctor appointment in December on DH day but earlier then visitation time, and now they are both going and he thanked her for letting him know in advance. Any time I bring up my discomfort he says "you just don't want me to co-parent". Um...no, co-parenting doesn't involve going to appointments together...it involves taking turns bringing him to appointments. Doesn't it? Am I missing something??

Frustrated4ever's picture

100% PAS.  So get this......my SD had a broken wrist which needed set (not on my DH's "day") so BM set up appointment and told DH she couldn't go.  My DH had a meeting so I took a vacation day to take SD to her appointment.........which infuriated BM.  Because DH didn't jump through a hoop (despite the fact she could have taken her), she called the doctor's office and threatened to sue them because I was not authorized to consent to medical treatment. Rather have a child with a broken arm than let me take SD.  We stopped doing the appointments "not on our days" after I schlepped out $150 for a new retainer at the ortho then was told by a guffawing SD that her mom ordered it even though she never lost her other one.....just to "stick it to me".  I hate them.

 

strugglingSM's picture

My dad never went to a doctor's appointment or parent teacher conference in his life. Granted, they were all pretty standard. Perhaps if I was having real medical troubles he would have gone to a doctor's appointment. My mom managed all the education, though, so even if I was struggling, I doubt he would have gone to a parent teacher conference because that was her realm (my mom is a teacher herself). Also, he certainly wouldn't have rearranged his work day to attend. Sounds like your DH has been firm with her on what his boundary is - if she wants him to go, they need to reach agreement on scheduling time; if there is an appointment she can't manage, he will arrange it and attend with the child. Now, he just needs to enforce that boundary and remind her what he said. If the child is 10, there is surely no reason for him to be there.

Ispofacto's picture

This. Most intact families only send one parent to these standard appointments.

Our BM is completely psycho, and tried so many different tactics to gain facetime with DH so she could try to manipulate him. This was one of those tactics. He didn't fall for it.

Goodluck's picture

IAMLOSINIT, I know this post here is from last Nov....Lady--you have your hands full with your BM. 

Hopefully by now you have learned it is OK that dad is not at appointments with MOM. A judge has heard this 10000000 times. Half the times bm's will bring this up in court  :bio dad wont go to appointments,,boohoo...later it is discovered the BM doesnt take the kid anyway the Grand parents are doing it for the bm. Sometimes Bm's siblings too.  Here is the fix about those AND about parent teacher conferences.

1. Call the teacher and request that there is a seperate conference for dad, when ever the teacher if free. This is not the first time a teacher has provided seperate times for divorced parents. Heck, dad can get on board with the teacher and email 1x a week and also use school portals to stay up to date with grades. Also ask the teacher how to be signed up for robo calls from the school and the school district for up to date info. . KEEP this close to the vest. Do not ask BM for anything unless it is an emergency.

2.  bm, thanks for asking me to go to the doctors appointment. (never say sorry cant go because of work)  IF you want me to take her when I have her, I will be more than happy to. We can really make this super easy and split custody this way I have her equal to you then I can make all the appointments and take her. It would be so much easier for our kid this way. Wink

 

 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I'm REALLY confused as to why they both have to be there... Out of the past 4 doctor's appointments the skids have had. I took them alone for two of them, and DH showed up just a bit after I did for the other two (shots and nose swabs... That way I had help holding her down. LOL) If it's routine though, I don't see why one can't just take them, and if something is wrong, just inform the other parent and then go on their merry way...

I can't see why Dh not showing for EVERY doctor's appointment could count against him. He's working to provide for the kid, so as long as the kid is receiving medical attention when he needs, there's nothing that needs to be done, IMHO... Your BM is just finding something to b**** about. If it doesn't work with his schedule, your DH just needs to tell her no. 

Also he can call the teacher like someone said above, I'm sure they'll be willing to accomidate a second visit Smile

Curious Georgetta's picture

that the Dr. can see me at x time. If it is an emergency , they give me an earlier time. The doctor usually has a pretty full schedule so there ars not a lot of available scheduling options.  Follow -up appts are usually scheduled at the end of the appt. The ex may just be following the office scheduling protocol. It may not be in anyway related to a desire to exclude the dad.  

At our kids' school, they no longer have parent conferences, they now have family conferences at times scheduled by the school.  Family members are expected to attend collectively. The got away from the  term patent conferences because of the various iterations. of  parent types and family structures.

Families ars reminded that teacher time  is limited and they ate encouraged to put aside personal differences out of respect for the teachets' time and the best interest of the child. It is a private school and the patrons seem for the most part able to attend these group conferences and act in a civil manner.. 

It is unreasonable to expect teachers to have multiple conferences because parents lack the ability to behave in a civil manner.

Maybe, as a group you guys might get along better if you did not take the view that action was somehow meant to be a dig.

The mom may ,(or may not) think that given the time limitations imposed upon both of them by a CO that the dad might genuinely want to have some first hand involvement. Perhaps it is nothing more sinister than that.

Where acrimony is expected ,it is likely to be found.  Neither parent is any way damaged by both attending a Dr's appt, but it might give the child a sense that even though his parents ATS not together they both care about the events in his life.

Even when the parents are separated, the child is the 24/7 child of each parent. They are not just parents during the CO time.

 

 

 

 

 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

The issue isn't that the DH doesn't want to be there I don't think. I read it as, BM schedules stuff without discussing with him, expects him to make it, and then guilts him if he can't make it. That's less about protocol, more about, if they're putting differences aside, then it has to be at a time that works for both for appointments, and if someone can't make it due to a scheduling conflict they shouldn't be guilting the other party for not being able to make it.

My mom's a teacher, she's more than willing to meet with both parties in that kind of a situation, because of the interesting family dynamics she understands that sometimes it's more beneficial to have seperate meetings and keep both households informed.

iamlosingit's picture

You are 100% correct.  DH does want to be there.  She just doesn't include him in the scheduling and gives him heck if he can't bend over backwards to make it at the time SHE scheduled.

1wonder woman's picture

I have never heard where both divorced parents have to attend a doctors appointment together with their kids? I come from a divorced family and I am dating a divorced man. My Dad had custody of us and he always took us kids to our doctors appointments without my Mom... unless I was sick on a day my Mom had me then she'd take me to the doctors but never together. My dad would never schedule a doctors or dentist appointments on a day my mom was suppose to have us either nor would she do the same thing to him. Sounds like to me his ex is using these appointments to get him alone with her and to just get him to spend his money and make him miss work on purpose.  Heck even married couples  very seldom go together to the doctors appointments with their kids unless the kid is really sick with cancer I could see it. Why miss work and spend money that is unnecessary? My boyfriend has never went with his ex to any of his children's doctors or dentist appointments and she has never attended any appointments with him either... Now his ex recently did schedule a eye doctor appointment for their 10 year old daughter on his scheduled day to have his kid without his permission and that really made him mad. But she has done this time and time again in the past and he allows her to do it and she gets away with it... she will on purpose schedule a dentist appointment or a doctors appointments on his day to have his daughter this way BM gets out of taking her plus Dad gets stuck with paying for the doctor visits, new glasses or prescriptions..SHE PAYS FOR NOTHING AND THE COURT PAPERS STATE THEY ARE TO BOTH PAY 1/2... BUT BM NEVER PAYS ANYTHING. BUT AGAIN HE FEELS SORRY FOR BM! HE SPOILED HIS EX WHEN THEY WERE MARRIED AND HE IS STILL SPOILING HER!  What I do not get is this.... both of them are made to carry health insurance and BM gets a copy of his medical cards but he does not get copies of hers. MAKES NO SINCE TO ME?  Why does she need any cards when he gets stuck taking the kids to the doctors sick or not sick and to their dentist appointments plus she gets to claim the kids at the end of the year. I hate when she tells him two days prior that he has to take the kid to the doctors when the kid is not sick. He lives pay check to pay check...  Again every parent should show some respect at least ask permission from the other parent before scheduling these appointments ... especially if it's not a day you are to have the kid. I'm not stupid... these Parents are just out to control, manipulate and out to spend the other parents time and money and make the other parent lose income on purpose! 

iamlosingit's picture

..SHE PAYS FOR NOTHING AND THE COURT PAPERS STATE THEY ARE TO BOTH PAY 1/2... BUT BM NEVER PAYS ANYTHING.

-What I do not get is this.... both of them are made to carry health insurance and BM gets a copy of his medical cards but he does not get copies of hers.

^^^^^ THIS

same with this BM.  She is ordered to pay 40 and DH has to pay 60%....we haven't seen a dime from her.   The latest escapade, ss had a tiny "bump" on one of his toes.  BM brought him to the doctor without consulting dh.  When he picked up ss for visitation, she waited until that night to text dh and tell him that the doctor said ss needed to soak his foot for an hour, then use a "stone" from the spa section (that dh would have to purchase) to rub the bump in attempts to remove it.  DH said it was a wart and he could get something over the counter for it.  BM said no.  So we go out and do what she asked.  FFwd a week and ss missed school to go to the doctor and have the wart frozen off, dh didn't know until he picked up ss for visitation.  She also made a second appointment without consulting dh, I guess it has to be done twice.  She told the judge she couldn't get insurance for ss through her work so they made dh have it.  She is somehow covered by the state.

Rags's picture

As stipulated in the CO the SpermIdiot was responsible for carrying insurance on SS and both parties were responsible 50/50 for any uncovered medical expenses (Co-pays, etc, etc, etc....)

He never procured insurance for the Skid so I carried he and my wife on my employer provided plan.  The SpermIdiot's CS increased by the increased amount it cost me to cover SS whic was only ~$15/mo.  Never in the 16+ years that we lived under the CO did we receive a penny from the SpermClan for any of the Skid's med and dental expenses that were not covered by insurance.  SS is 25 and we still send the SpermClan a statement twice a year with ever increasing accrual of penalties and interest on what they owe us.  When the spirit moves us.... we will drag their asses to court to get our money.  They are at the $14K level now on actual expenses of ~$9K.

SpermGrandHag quit calling and complaining about the bill a number of years ago though none of those useless wastes of skin have every settled a penny of their debt to us.  She used to refer to our billing them as "harrassment".  I am actually considering selling the debt to a collection agency and letting them go on the SpermIdiot's useless ass.  I would have too much fun with that.   Diablo