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Meeting SD13's Therapist Tomorrow

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

SD13 said she wanted to be a boy at the start of the school year. DH and I took her to get boy clothes last fall. SD13 behaved like a little bitch the two times I went and helped to shop, so I haven't gone since November. DH takes her to buy boys clothes now, all the way down to the same boy underwear that DH wears. SD13 is a very late bloomer at 13.5, started her cycles a year ago and also has regressed terribly since hitting puberty. If you don't know my back story, there is plenty in my bookmarks.

I picked out the therapist for OSD19 when BM died two years ago. At my urging, DH set up appts with the same therapist last fall after SD13 said she wanted to be a boy. She went to about 3 or 4 sessions in August and September. The therapist said SD13 was done grieving for her BM and that she was still "very much a girl." Whatever.

SD13 went to another session at the end of March after not going over the winter and holidays. At that time, the therapist asked that I come to the next session. It's tomorrow. I am going to speak up abut DH's lack of parenting and boundaries which have led SD13 to be very confused. I am going to speak up about SD13 acting like a 7yo and regressing, and also about her hygiene. I'm also going to let her know that there is a huge problem with OSD19 coming home with that damn hedgehog in a matter of weeks, when she returns from college. I'm also going to say that I think SD13 declaring that she wants to be a boy is a coping mechanism to help her deal with BM's death. SD13 showed no emotion, and did not grieve her BM's passing when she was 11-1/2 years old. DH has made sure that SD13 is relatively happy, but I think the real problem has yet to be revealed.

I believe that since the onset of puberty when SD13 started getting breasts last summer, she has been afraid of dying of breast cancer. Just like BM did. Being a boy helps her escape this reality. Boys don't get breasts like girls do. This little "boy" is different, he's not the little girl who's BM died of breast cancer. I have this feeling that tomorrow will be very emotional for me and I won't be going to many more sessions with SD13. I care about this skid, but I can't care and do more than DH is doing, with his head buried in the sand.

I had picked out my own therapist and was supposed to start sessions about 10 days ago but there was a family emergency, out of state. He should be back next week and I will meet him then. I hope to get a few sessions in before OSD19 lands at my home for six weeks.

Just blogging my thoughts because this is all going to rear it's ugly head soon with OSD19. These skids aren't going to change, and even if DH woke up, I still don't think it would be enough to see a change. I keep dreaming of my own place a year from now. Or just going back to my rental without my dogs, but I don't want to leave them. I have started a game plan, but it may take months for it all to work out.

I will make sure everything is in place and that I am good and ready. My friend and I were talking today, and we spoke about the Bible. God first, then spouse, then children, then everything else. I still respect my husband and love him very much. But I just don't think he's going to change. When the time is right I will take my dogs and go. My best friend is a realtor so she can help guide me if I decide to buy a new home. OSD19 is enough, but even if she launches soon, I can't see myself with YSD13 for close to ten more years.


~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Those have been my thoughts exactly. I did another search for a therapist in our area that specializes in identity/transgendered issues, and this same one keeps coming up.

I don't think DH has asked her any hard questions like I will. DH also doesn't parent, so everything is hunky-dory with him most of the time. Let's see what happens when I go in there. Pass the popcorn.

~ Moon

Redredwine's picture

Moon, we had a therapist for one of the skids and we were able to send letters to the therapist ahead of time about current situations. In our case it was useful since we weren't in the sessions with the skid. Perhaps this one would let you submit info ahead of time so the session can be more therapy than history. I realize this first one is tomorrow, but perhaps for future ones.

notarelative's picture

This therapist does not seem to understand how kids grieve. Every significant event brings grief. Graduations, marriages, births,etc all bring up grief emotions. Developing into a woman, for a child whose parent died of breast cancer, can be traumatic.

This therapist may be great with gender/trans issues, but she fails at grief therapy.

Janemae's picture

I'm sorry you are so unhappy. I hope things turn around for you and if they don't then I hope you find peace when you move on. hugs!

ChokinOnLemonz's picture

(((( moon ))))

I can tell you're a really compassionate and caring SM. I think you may be right on the money about why your SD wants to change genders. It's all very sad.

Rags's picture


You have put a lot of effort into your thoughts on this and I think you have nailed it. On all fronts.

I hope stays in remission for his chronic case of Cranio-Rectal syndrome and can help his daughters.

Good luck.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Thanks everyone. I'm nervous about today. I don't know what to say and what NOT to say in front of SD13. I guess I'll be honest and say it all. The therapist can note SD13's reactions to everything.


BarkAtTheMoon's picture

So I went to the therapy session. It went better than I thought, but I guess I have to drink the KoolAid now. Not happening. I can support this child but still be entitled to my opinion. The therapist started with calling SD13 by her boy name and using boy pronouns. I don't know if DH has heard this before. The main focus of the session was to start calling her a "him." All three of us adults told SD13 that she needs to slow down because we are ALL changing with this new identity thing. DH also interjected and told SD13 that she is only 13 years old. She spoke very maturely in the session. Wish she could do that at home...... So I see it as her stepping up when it's something she wants. And at home if she forgets or doesn't want to do something, she regresses. But we didn't have time to bring that up. I reminded the therapist that this was the first time I'd heard anyone call her by her boy name. My understanding was that when DH and I met with the school guidance counselor last January, DH decided to wait until HS started, to use the boy name. I added, that SD13 was invited to that meeting at the school but declined. So she didn't even own it.

The therapist must have thought things were hunky-dory at home and I opened her eyes. I told her that DH and I are never around because we work and have long commutes. Told her how SD13 feels like we don't listen, but at the same time, 9pm on a work night at lights out is not the best time to bring up teen drama. We can better "listen" over the weekend when the schedule isn't so demanding. Yet, DH is always watching sports and never really listens. I explained to the therapist that SD13 is naive to the adult needs of DH and I, and that we do a lot each day to provide. SD13 tried to throw me under the bus and I defended myself. I told the therapist about her eavesdropping and me calling her out on it, and how what she heard me say was misunderstood by her. I had actually been supportive to DH when I was speaking with him and being eavesdropped on. I had suggested to DH that he take her to therapy again in March, and he did. SD13 overheard it as I was saying she needed more therapy like it was a bad thing. I threw out the date and said that she needed the session to better explore her feelings. I also explained to the therapist that just because I discipline SD13 as I would any teenager, it doesn't mean I HATE her for wanting to be a boy. I told the therapist that SD13 was confusing the two, and did all but say that SD13 was throwing pity parties and loving the attention. Such a juvenile kid.

DH added that SD13 has cried more now with the identity issue than she did when BM died. DH brought up the fact that I thought SD13 hadn't grieved her BM's passing. The therapist added that she and SD13 went through lots of grief therapy. (Funny, there were only three visits last fall, so I guess that's "lots.") Therapist saw the look on my face and quickly added that people deal with grief differently. I'm sorry, but someone NOT crying over the passing of their BM is not normal. I still firmly believe that. I also told therapist that I majored in psyc in college. I still stand firmly that something isn't right since there were no tears shed at BM's passing. I told the therapist that I feared something was buried deep. SD13 was squirming.

I asked why SD13 was a girly girl and then just changed overnight last summer, when her breasts started developing. DH brought this up as well, asking why it happened overnight. The therapist said that when puberty hit, SD13 thought it was the time to come out, because she felt even more like a boy trapped in a girl's body. That made sense to me, made me feel a little better. I also brought up that I feared that SD13 was isolating herself. The therapist thought that SD13 was involved in all of these support groups. Um, NO. SD13 has gone to a support group three times since last fall. Therapist seemed a little surprised. I added some other things to that because I remember it all. DH, not so much. SD13 whined again that there is never any time for her. That's right, pumpkin. It's called LIFE. I still felt bad for her because she is so naive to the ways of the world.

It came down to us three adults telling SD13 that she needs to slow down. We all want her to be safe in the world out there. SD13 replied, "Well when I go into HS in the fall, I'll go in identifying as a boy, so I'll be ok." :jawdrop: The therapist added that it can take years for family members to deal with the changes, and the same goes for SD13.

SD13 is naive and clueless and thinks she has this all figured out. So......DH asked her to go home and call her Girl Scout leader and tell her she's a boy now. He also told her to call Gma. I added that would be nice since she's going to the beach with her for a week in June. Biggrin For once, DH was addressing SD13 like I do. Firmly and realistically. DH further told SD13 to call her aunt and uncle and let them know, too. SD13 replied, "But I thought you already told them....?" DH saw that she just doesn't get it about the world out there. DH tried to throw me under the bus a little when I said we have different parenting styles. I told the therapist that DH was never around because of work, and that I have stepped back (disengaged) since last summer, even before the identity thing. The therapist asked why and I replied that SD13 and DH need to be responsible for SD13 before I am. I told her I have no rights to this child but she lives under my roof, so I expect her to learn to be responsible. DH didn't like that. I also offered up "hygiene." I repeated the word four or five times, sarcastically, as SD13 sunk into her chair. I told SD13 I didn't care if she was a girl, boy or other, there are certain responsibilities that are expected of a thirteen year old. Who was playing with Littlest Pet Shop figurines last week at the kitchen table. The therapist supported SD13 on that. Um, ok...... Clearly more therapy is needed.


~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Ever since August, she has tried to get her school GC and her therapist to "do her work" for her. She has pushed for this boy name thing behind our backs, even when DH said wait until HS, so we have time to adjust. All of us. It didn't work with GC and she moved on to therapist. At one point today, SD13 started spewing out lines as if she was in rehearsal for a play. I looked over at the the therapist and said, "Damn internet." The therapist smiled. I still call BS and I'm sick tonight, seeing my future with these SDs. OSD19 will talk down to me and be the BPD narc mini-wife. SD13 will get beat up at school and that will be the drama. I'm not cut out for this shit when I have no respect from anyone. Damn. This home is some kind of fucked up. We've been on the edge of a black hole, teetering, and I think I just officially fell in.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

She's been to a group a few times, but it's like day camp. They do fun activities.

SD thinks she knows how the "bad things" really are. She has no clue.

Thanks for your kind words. Disengage, disengage, disengage. LOL

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Oh sounds like this therapist doesn't have a clue! You are on to something...this sudden going from girly girl one day to wanting to be a boy the next with NO tale-tell indicators that there is any kind of gender identity issue before...something isn't quite right there. Just like HHB...November she was all into this guy, lying about having to stay after school to go make out with him and such, and come December she is suddenly lesbian? Of course, at least there were some tale-tell signs (things on social media, the girl being at our house as often as she was, the "beard" boyfriend, Robbie, who we were never really introduced to, HHB having to go to emo's homecoming dance with her, etc.), as I posted in these forums I was already suspicious of her and emo friend. If anything, HHB MAY be bi...or, she just has sex with ANYONE who will pay her any mind at all! So for me, it wasn't just "hey, I'm a lesbian" come December...I already suspected because more observant than DH ever will be!

Even in HHB's case, I think the girl needs some sort of therapy. It took her 4 months to come out on her own on social media, as she finally posted on hers that she identifies herself as a lesbian! Before that, it was posts from emo girlfriend that gave it away. HHB's way of handling the backlash of coming out is just telling people to get over it. She needs to understand that people won't just get over it! Members of the LGBT community are regularly bullied and ridiculed, as there is still a large portion of the population who are not accepting. Like your SD13, HHB has no clue what she is getting into. "Oh look, I have a cute!" Of course, if HHB did go to a therapist, we would probably be dished out the "it is normal for girls to experiment with their sexuality" kool-aid! Is it "normal" for a girl to have sex with anyone who will pay attention to her?

At least HHB doesn't live with us any more, so I don't have to be in the middle of the madness. I so feel for you and the cluelessness of everyone else involved in your home!