Step daughters father is very difficult...
I'm engaged to be married. I have a 6 year old daughter and my fiance has a 7 year old daughter. First, I love being a dad. I love hanging out hanging out with my daughter and my partners daughter. They are the most interesting people I've ever spent time with and I have a strong drive to provide them with the oportunity to recognize a realistic sense of self worth. V is my daughter and L is my partners daughter.
L's father is a difficult person to work with. He and my partner have been out of their relationship for almost 3 years and he is persistant in shaming my partner for her difficulties to pay the bills, making appointments, cooridnating visits etc. He calls her lots of names and yells at her when he comes to pick up his daughter. I make it a point to keep a distance from him. I've reached out to him asking him to stop with the verbal assults only to be threatened with violence.
He does not help with money time or really anything for that matter. Some how beyond my beliefe and what I consider to be the realistic odds, my partner manages to make it all happen while still being the most amazing mother and partner to me and team for my daughter.
I own a graphic design company and we make shirts. L has some of the shirts my company produces and he has told her that she isn't allowed to wear those shirts. He told her that he hates me and hates my company. Which I'm mostly okay with. He is clearly troubled and having a difficult time somwhere. My problem is him shaming his daughter for spending time with me. She stopped being okay with me taking her to school and when I asked her if there is anything I can do to make her mornings easier and to let me taker her (her mom goes to work early) she said she can't ride with me because it makes her dad sad. This makes me so sad to see her carying the burden of a 30 year old man. I'm trying to figure out how I can help. As of now I talk to L about how I think her dad is confused and struggling with some things and that I'm sorry she has to carry his weight. I explain to here when she talks to me that he should not say those things to her and that she is not the reason for his anger. I don't know what else to say. I always make a point to tell her that I know he loves her and that I hope to be friends with him when he is ready.
I've come up with a few ideas:
1. Be there when he comes to my partners house in an attempt to let him see how involved I am and to potentially be a reason for him to not start yelling and cursing (at my partner, she responds but not with yelling or cursing but she is firm and sometimes a little antoganistic).
2. Reach out to him via email and let him know that his behavior is worrying me considering my daughter and I will soon be living with his daughter and daughters mother and that if he chooses to continue the same behavior in our new living situation (or at all), that I will choose to go through the system to ensure our safety and security.
3. Not do anything and hope with out much hope that he will settle down
4. Try to just be as available to L and possible and hang in the background.
My daughter is not witnessing any of this but I have heard her asking L why her dad hates me. I usually just let them talk about it without asserting myself, inveitably one of them asks me a question about it and my response is always pretty consitant.
"I think he is feeling alot of emotions that he hasn't been taught how to express appropriately. I'm sorry he puts that pressure on you and I am here to listen if you need to talk" I try to leave it there.
I'm a terrible writer/speller and I hope this wasn't too confusing. I'm hoping to some perspective and possible advice.